(Totally-OT) I really need some advice... bad!

[omedon]

I just checked out that girlfriend stealing site and it echoes some of what I have said. Here are some quotes.

Ted Carpenter
help me dude! I'm in love with this girl. send something back asap. i need some tips on what to do when i first see her again friday. I'm planning a big hug where i lean over, hug, and pick her up off the ground with a kiss on the neck slipped in so nobody sees and only she knows. it would be best right around her boyfriend. then she would know how i really feel. i'm also planning on tellin her she looks beautiful hoping i beat her boyfriend to it and maybe even that i love her. what do you think?

The Playa
(a) Love is a four letter word. Chicks do not dig this coming from a guy that they're not already bent into knots about. Getting that word out of you should be a battle for her, and it's the battle that holds her interest. If you say the four letter word, then she's won without even fighting, and you're a sissy pushover, and she's on to the next challenge. You're in the power seat because you're forbidden fruit, and she's at least partially interested in you. If you say this word, you'll become yesterday's silly dalliance.

Ted Carpenter
Here's something else. 99% percent of our phone conversations have me calling. Is that ok? think she's not interested in me on the phone?

The Playa
This is not OK

Remember, you have to get her to want you. The primary way of getting her to want you is to appear that she can't have you. If you're constantly calling her, she's getting her ego stroked (a bit too much). You've crossed a bad line here... what you want to be doing this stuff:

Call her, talk for two minutes, then say, "! I forgot to call [insert name of imaginary or real girl here]! We're supposed to go out tonight, she's going to be pissed... I have to run, I'll call you back tomorrow." Then, call four days later. If she asks you why you didn't call, then she's biting the hook. Give it a little tug and say, "Oh, I'm sorry... I forgot." Ohhhhh she'll crave the ego stroking now, because she'll feel like you're losing some interest.

Or, make plans to come out and see her, then cancel the day before with something a bit more important.

Follow these rules:

Never call when you say you're going to call. Always call at least a day late.
Never call twice in one week.
If you call her, never talk for more than 15 minutes. Have something important which you have to go do, or someone else that you have to go see, or a party or something to go attend.
Never call her twice in a row, let her place the next call.
The goal of these rules is simple: you want to show her some attention, but you have to use the attention you give her AS A REWARD. If you lavish her with attention and compliments right now, you're the boring sappy pushover.

Besides, if she craves the attention and secretly loves it, and you're giving it to her without her having to change her situation, then she can use one of the girlfriendstealer's mottos on you, namely, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" She's got TWO boys throwing lots of attention her way. She's in control, and doesn't even have to pick up the phone.

So, be cool. Be the thing that she wants, and cannot have. The first step is by fixing your phone habits. You'll never get anywhere by what you're doing right now.

 

[DMaple]

What did you say your alignment was?

 

[Rinndalir]

Never works. EVER.

YES. This man is correct and wins the gold star, along with everyone else who said it. This type of thing can only in in YOU getting hurt. Women DO NOT view platonic relationships the same way as men do - with us, nearly any platonic friendship with a girl has (in our head) potential to turn into something else if we only play our cards right. To most women, however, a friend is just that - a FRIEND - and there is hardly ever any latent romantic interest as there is on our side.

If there's one lesson I've learned about women, it's that once you're in the "friend zone" don't ever count on getting out. I've been through this one and have learned my lesson well, and watched others go through it too...if she's a friend, the kind you hang out with and have a good time with, and especially if she's the kind you can talk to...look elsewhere. FORGET ABOUT HER. She will not, with 99.999999% probability, feel the same way about you as you do about her.

FOR THE LOVE OF BLACK JESUS, take my advice. Your sanity will thank you later.

 

[kenjib]

In response to some posts since my last comment just four points:

1. People are not toys.
2. Love is not a game - there are no "winners."
3. "The Playa" is probably a balding middle aged white guy who lives at home with his mother and hasn't had a date since High School.
4. Nice guys don't finish last. I happily married my high school sweetheart after knowing her for many years. She's my closest friend and we love each other very much. We have two wonderful children. I'm a very happy guy and I like to think that it is because I've always tried to do the right thing, and not to gratify my most primitive shortsighted instincts.

Why would someone want to take things from other people and wish them ill will (i.e. hoping that their relationship doesn't work out). Some friend!

 

[Impeesa]

Hmm.. Re: the 'friend zone': Let me tell you a little story about a girl I know. I have known her since elementary school, and we were good friends on and off until late high school. At that point, I had a few different circles of friends sort of 'consolidate', and I wound up spending a lot more time around her. Well, I really started to like her, and when I realized that I could think of no other words to describe her other than abstract superlatives, it occurred to me that I should do something about it. About a month later a friend inadvertently revealed that she had confessed to him her (very similar) feelings for me. Well, that was all the prompting I needed... we celebrated two years together about a week and a half ago. Conclusion: It can be done.

As for telling both 'Ann' and 'Morgan', don't. I now submit for your approval another pointless anecdote: I have seen this happen before, I was not involved but I witnessed it firsthand. It wasn't pretty. Ok, I have four friends involved here: 3 guys, one girl. Everyone is very good friends, but it's getting scary already. Guy #1 has a total head-over-heels crush on her. Late one night he gets up the guts to call her up and make a confession, she turns him down. He basically goes off the deep end, but to save space he basically doesn't talk to her anymore. She later claims he might have had a chance had he been willing to talk things through, and that her rejection was at least partially due to her shock. Oh well. So Guy #2, about a month (maybe less) later, asks her out. She's a little more receptive, this lasts about a month. Guy #1 is now no longer talking to Guy #2. Both loath the girl. She, meanwhile, finds her way together with Guy #3, who isn't as proactive (for lack of a better word) as the other two, but probably more of the 'serious relationship' type. Guys #1 and #2 now do not talk to either her or Guy #3. Fallout from this little soap opera (yes, this is *very* condensed) is still felt over a year later. Conclusion: it's probably a very bad idea!

If all else fails, talk to Morgan, point out Ann's faults, etc, until he grows equally dissatisfied and dumps her, then offer your shoulder for her to cry on. Sure, it sucks being the 'rebound' guy, but it's possible to turn that into something lasting.

--Impeesa--

 

[Pielorinho]

I mentioned this thread to my girlfriend, and she made a good point. Assuming that you're a decent person and not the horrible slimeball kind of person who would deliberately break up a relationship, she added one more piece of advice:

Be careful, lest you become the rebound guy.

Advice about being there, waiting for her as soon as she and Morgan split up is all good -- but remember that after folks leave a relationship, they often are looking for something shallow and reassuring. The rebound guy can be in for some good sex and light fun, but isn't generally in for the long haul.

If you're wanting a long-term relationship with her, you might not want to mac on her immediately after her breakup, while she's not looking to jump into something long-term.

Daniel

 

[Kichwas]

The great problem of the teens through mid 20's is that you're hormones are ruling your life. Often in ways you are completely unaware of.

Love at this stage is intense. Everybody's the 'love of your life' and we all have that desire to star in a Leonardo DiCaprio film...

And of course most of us think we're all 'above this' and such foolishness is only for other people; our condition though is actually 'real' and not just hormones.

I could give you a mountain of sound advice and explainations on what's really going down but chances are you'd reject it.

So I'll leave it with this: she's not your soulmate. But that's probably also true for her and your friend.

Stay clear of messing up your friendship with either of them. No matter how strong the passion has you know; in a few years you'll be over it, if not sooner.

Chances are if you get there on the dating scene you'll meet three or four women in the next year that seem to be 'the love of your life'.

Nice guys don't finish last.

In my experience Nice Guys (and nice Gals) DO finish last; but still manage to win the race. Quality counts over Quantity.

 

[SHARK]

A Man Without Honor Is Not A Man

Greetings!

Well, I would say that you should leave her alone. Do that which is Right--not what gratifies your own desires. Your friend Morgan and her too, as your friend--have placed an expectation of trust in you. That means you don't impose yourself romantically towards her as long as they are together, period. Even afterwards, it could be considered tacky and classless, like a vulture waiting in the wings to feed.

My father used to explain to me to think about everything that I do--How will this reflect on the honour and dignity of another person? How will it effect my honor, and my family's name? How will my friends think of me? All of these things must be considered if one is to be an honorable gentleman. If such things that I would do or say bring shame and dishonor to others, my family, or myself, then it certainly isn't something that I should do. A gentleman, a man of honor, does what is right no matter what the cost to him personally.

Thus, I leave these thoughts for you to consider.

Semper Fidelis,

SHARK

 

[Horacio]

Wow SHARK!
That was a post!

I missed you, man...

Well, about the problem... I lived it. I was the friend who loved the girl. And she loved a friend of mine. And I told her my feelings. And all went wrong. I lost her as friend, I lost him as friend and I finished covered with . I spent two years trying to forget her.

Even today, when I'm married when the most marvelous girl in the universe, and we have the prettiest daughter, sometimes, in the night when I cannot sleep, the wound still hurts.

I know I'm not giving an answer, or a solution, because I think all the solutions will hurt you (it's a no-win situation, IMHO), I can only say 'Be careful' and 'Best of lucks'.

 

[apsuman]

I have not read the follow ups to your original post, I figure they are irrellevant (sp?) to my experience.

I had a similar situation occur myself. My advise is to keep your feelings to yourself.

The me that was 20 did this (mainly because I could not find the courage to act). However, it turns out that it was the best thing I could do.

You risk the certainty of making three (you, Morgan, Ann) people feel bad (or at least very awkward) just so you can get something off your chest. I say do not do it. What good will come of it? What's the best case here? She dumps him and dates you, how would that make you feel? How would Morgan feel? Could you still be friends with Morgan? Would you be able to trust that Ann would not dump you in a year and a half because some other guy cam up and said he was in love with her? What's the medium case? She rebuffs you breaks your heart, and Morgan does not trust you anymore? What's the worst case, Ann and Morgan both do not talk to you? Again, what good can come of it?

We (and by that I mean US society) are in love with being in love. As children we learn all about true love in all the fairly tales we see. Current popular media does a thrifty business rehashing this idea too. Nobody seems to point out the rational idea that relationships have to exist on more levels that merely (yes, I said merely) loving someone.

Let me give you an example. A woman who was raised as a Seventh Day Adventist and wants to have raise children in a similar home is dating a man that drinks heavily. (Adventists do not drink, as I understand.) Now she loves him, but this is just a relationship doomed to failure, but I bet you can find one very similar to this one that has been dragging on for years with both people unhappy. They probably had a couple of kids to "fix" the unhappiness. (Sorry, I am starting to digress.)

Having a relationship (not even talking about marriage here) requires a great deal of trust. You want to be the homewrecker here and then want her to trust you. Would any of your other friends trust you?

The best thing that can happen to you is you find someone else (or rather they find you and a way to your heart). The best thing you can do is bite your tounge. If you are lucky and they break up and she becomes fair game, still you might need to bite your tounge lest she think you a stalker.


g!

p.s. I will read the other posts now