[Updated!]I think my life has decided to fall apart

[Ankh-Morpork Guard]

Alright, I need to vent. Just get things out. Advice is welcome, but before any advice, I need something to be understood:

Yes, I'm only 18 and I've made some serious choices that will effect the rest of my life very dramatically. Many people say I'm too young, but physical age is completely different than mental, and I can say without bragging that I'm probably well over 40 when it comes to mental age. I'm not too young...in fact, I think I'm too old too early. But that's not the point...now, I'll vent.

Some of you may know that I just recently moved to the UK from the USA. Some of you may also know that I did this to be with my girlfriend. I've known her for the last 8 years, and we've gone from mortal enemies, to best friends, to soul mates. It sounds so cheesy, but I can say without a doubt that I love her more than anything. Its not some teenage angst or such(I've dealt with that before, anyway...I know that). This is, whether I like it or not, the real thing for me. Together, the two of us have worked as hard as we could to get money for this big move. We'd met a couple times before(whew, were those interesting), so it wasn't like moving in with a near stranger.

In May, she arrived in the USA to stay for 2 months. She met my family, I showed her around my old home town, etc etc. Did touristy things for her(first time) and as a parting thing for me. Then, in July...after years of working towards it, I held in my hands the plane ticket. Because of passport problems, I had to leave a week later than her, but she waited in London for me. We met up and explored for a few days before coming up here to the middle of no where(Wales).

Through all of this, though, I've felt something was off. I couldn't pinpoint it, but I knew there was something. She'd been almost pushing me away...I couldn't even put a hand on her shoulder without getting growled at. She would fawn over all her friends(and that's not really like her...she's not very touchy feely), but would barely even smile at me. Every time I asked her to be less cold towards me, she'd just pass it off as me being too clingy. Clingy? I've waited years to just be able to see her with my own eyes...let alone hold her hand, even if she doesn't want anyone else around.

Then, from her good friend(and mine now), I found out something that about killed me...and is still hurting very badly. She's pregnant. Five months along now. Not mine either...the good friend that told me. Its his. I should hate him...I should want to kill him, but I don't. I'm more angry that she tried to hide it from me, and made him(we'd only met twice before) tell me. Apparently(and I believe him for good reason), her being pregnant was that whole 1% chance thing. It shouldn't have happened...but it did. And to make things even worse, she's gone behind my back and the two of them were handfasted(Wiccan marriage...lasts year and a day then you figure out from there). The problem with this is...she and I were supposed to be under that.

I'm still living in her house(with mom and brother), but I'm slowly tearing myself apart. She told me she feels more like a sister to me than anything, and that's mostly my own fault. Things have changed between us...but she seems to want them to change more than they have. I will always love her as much as I do now. It can't be changed. I haven't thought of ANYONE for the last four years. I just...can't. She's all there is to me. The most beautiful and wonderful girl I've ever known, and no one can ever surpass her in my eyes. To her though...things have changed. She told me many times before that she needed me because I was her only equal. She's right...I was. But I became too childish and didn't grow up...That doesn't mean its completely my fault, but I'll gladly take a portion of the blame.

I don't know what to do anymore. Everytime I look at her, it hurts...but I can see in her eyes that she still loves me as before. She just won't let herself for...whatever reason. I know(and have been told by many of her friends/family) that this 'thing' with her friend won't last. They're right. It won't. The problem I have is, I don't know how long it will last. I used to think I could wait for her...but now I don't know. It hurts too much, and things really aren't getting any better.

I've applied at College here...hoping to just meet some new people. Friends of my own here. Just friends though...somehow, I have to find a way to wait for her. To stay here and grow up and do the things I need to do in life. I just don't know how. Distracting myself doesn't work...and every weekend she goes off with her friends(like this weekend). I came halfway across the world for her, giving up probably a very good life, and now I'm tossed to the side.

I can't go back. I won't. If only for sheer stubborness. I LIKE it here. The middle of no where feel is something I enjoy. And I know if I go back, things will become even worse for me. Gods, I've rambled more than I meant to...I just...argh. I know WHAT to do, but not how. I will stay here, try to live my life, and wait for her...but, the how is the problem.

 

[ForceUser]

You are a strong and courageous person for making such a bold move at the age of eighteen. You sound like a survivor. Hang in there, it will get better.

 

[Turanil]

Having gone to live in the middle of nowhere at age 18, you are a kind of modern adventurer. My advice would be to stay in UK for a while, and get something out of it. This is an excellent experience. It (maybe) will be time to go back home in a few years, but not right now.

However, for the girl, I think it's hopeless. Definitively hopeless. You cannot forget her, you cannot but dream to get her back someday, but it's hopeless. Time will have to help you there. But you gonna have things to do: get a job, study something, or what not. You cannot stay at her house like that.

Well, just my 2 coppers...

 

[Ankh-Morpork Guard]

Having gone to live in the middle of nowhere at age 18, you are a kind of modern adventurer. My advice would be to stay in UK for a while, and get something out of it. This is an excellent experience. It (maybe) will be time to go back home in a few years, but not right now.

Truthfully, I would have left the US eventually. Probably would have come to this area, too. After living in fairly populated areas, its the kind of change of pace I've wanted. I can't say whether I'll go back or not, but I can say that I doubt I'll let myself just run off again. I came here for a reason...I can't just go back, even after time.

However, for the girl, I think it's hopeless. Definitively hopeless. You cannot forget her, you cannot but dream to get her back someday, but it's hopeless. Time will have to help you there. But you gonna have things to do: get a job, study something, or what not. You cannot stay at her house like that.

Maybe my problem is that I don't think its hopeless. Or rather, I KNOW it isn't. I've known her long enough to know how she acts and what she does. She's had this habit of getting people attached to her. After a month or so, she realizes what she's done, and it ends up really hurting these people. Now, I guess you could say it just took me a few YEARS...but I'll be the stubborn egotist for the moment and say "Its different"...simply because it is.

The reason I'm in this house is because he mother and I have actually become good friends(had to considering circumstances), she won't LET me leave here. Its a stable home, and at least that's something I've got. I won't give up though...I've just got to find a way to not think so much. Then I start dwelling on things and it all gets worse.

But I can't give up. To do that would be more of a failure than anything for me. I have to keep going...and I can see it in her eyes and the way she speaks, that no matter what she may act like on the outside, she's still the same person. Everything is still there...just...hidden. The last thing I'll do is give up though...especially after all this money and work that's gone into this. I've given up my entire family and any benefits that come with that for an unknown. Well....known, but not as well as I'd expected.

I've passed the point of no return years ago. I'm here. I can't go back. It seems like that should drive me on, but when I got here WITH someone...argh. Hopefully getting into College will help busy myself while things just...happen.

 

[Hypersmurf]

Honestly?

Get out of that house.

Tell her you didn't move to the UK to be her buddy; that you're leaving a contact number with her mother, and if she decides she's screwed up and you were what she wanted after all, to give you a call and you'll see how you're feeling about her.

Tell her not to call you just to see how you're doing, or to 'hang out', or whatever. And tell her mother not to give her the number unless she's determined to give the-two-of-you another shot.

Yes, it could mean the end of the friendship as well as the relationship... but if the relationship is actually over permanently, then given the way you feel, trying to maintain that friendship dooms you to years of pain, and prevents you healing at all.

And the hollow AMG-shaped void your absence leaves in her life might be enough to make her sort out what's important to her.

I know that 'see less of her' is the last thing you feel like doing... but it's also the best thing for you, in my opinion and in my experience. You say you need to 'not think so much'? Trust me - you won't manage it in that house.

-Hyp.

 

[Ankh-Morpork Guard]

Like I said, I can't leave here, if only because I've got no where else to go at this point. Sure, I could go and stay in the Halls of Residence at the College, but I don't have the money for that at this point.

However, she will be having to move soon. If only because there's not room here for ANOTHER person(especially an infant). As it stood, I wasn't going to go with her. Was going to stay here. I'm still sticking to that for now...its almost ironic, she even told me that being away from each other(even if just in different houses) for a while could do us both good.

Though I may not like hearing some of this...thanks for being honest about these things. I really don't WANT to fall apart, and I'm doing my best not to. Amazing how hard it can be. I guess I can say one thing about all of this though...a unique experience. And if the whole karma thing is right, I'm gathering enough bad experiences early on that I'm pretty much sure to have a great OTHER half of life.

 

[BryonD]

Don't take anyone's advise. Just bounce your own feelings off of it.



I'm 34. I've been completely happily married 13 years to the woman I started dating over 19 years ago. So I do understand that "young love" can be real.

BUT, nothing remotely like this ever happend with us.

Most people never start anything like a real life-relationship by 18. So there is a nearly unlimited opportunity for you to move on to better things. Things that start bad just do not tend at all to move toward better. So get the hard leaving over with and get tomorrow started.

Anyway, when I comes to your life, I am a complete idiot. Ignore what I said unless your own thoughts tell you otherwise. But listen to your real thoughts, not just the ones you make yourself have.

Best of luck

 

[Hypersmurf]

As it stood, I wasn't going to go with her. Was going to stay here. I'm still sticking to that for now...its almost ironic, she even told me that being away from each other(even if just in different houses) for a while could do us both good.

I just mentioned something similar in Forceuser's thread, but even if she's in a different house, presumably she'll still be there a lot... it's her mother's house, after all.

I personally don't think that's enough separation... I think you need to completely break contact.

But hell, it's always taken me months to get around to finally doing that, even though I should know better, so I don't expect you to agree

-Hyp.

 

[Ankh-Morpork Guard]

I just mentioned something similar in Forceuser's thread, but even if she's in a different house, presumably she'll still be there a lot... it's her mother's house, after all.

Actually, she and her mother don't get along all that well(especially recently...her mother happens to like me and doesn't exactly like seeing this happening), so no...she WON'T be around here a lot at all.

Completely breaking off contact is something I know I can't do...I can at least pull away. I know I need to. If I don't, I'll just sit here wallowing in my own sorrow and self pity. Yes, I am still only 18, and I've got my whole life ahead of me. I know things that I need for that life to happen, but I have to wait for a lot of them. I have to work for them, too. She's told me many times that I need to grow up. Not in an insulting "You're acting childish" way, but more of...hmm...I guess its just that I HAVE been sitting around and not changing.

Even if I could somehow allow myself to break contact, my conscience wouldn't let me. I owe her a lot at this point(hmm, over half the money for getting me here...keeping me sane for years...not letting me injure myself over the last couple of weeks), and I can't just disappear leaving debts like that unpaid. I'm just as bad with promises...I stick to them. And I've made her a few promises that I won't let go of because that's not right.

...heh, never realized I had my own code of honor. Always thought I was CG with Neutral tendencies. Maybe more LG...curses!

 

[Hypersmurf]

Even if I could somehow allow myself to break contact, my conscience wouldn't let me. I owe her a lot at this point(hmm, over half the money for getting me here...keeping me sane for years...not letting me injure myself over the last couple of weeks), and I can't just disappear leaving debts like that unpaid. I'm just as bad with promises...I stick to them. And I've made her a few promises that I won't let go of because that's not right.

The money - absolutely. (Although if she was in the States in May, and she's five months along now, I'm not certain why she actually let you put down money on a ticket...?)

Keeping you sane - she's reneged on that one.

Keeping you from injuring yourself - she's the cause of that one.

Your debt is financial. But it doesn't require personal contact to discharge that one.

As for promises... is your Wiccan handfast still under warranty? If so, it sounds like promises are something of an abstract inconvenience to her, rather than a binding oath. And depending on the promises in question, circumstances may render them impossible to keep...

Ah, like I say - I know how you feel. And this is the sort of advice I wouldn't have listened to at the time too

-Hyp.