[Updated!]I think my life has decided to fall apart

[janta]

She just used him as a doormat or sorts while I wasn't around. She did it to many people...it started to happen that way with me, and then that's when all of this started. She's told me a hundred times she doesn't want that...she needs an equal, but he can't be that, nor can any of the other people she's walked over without meaning to.

She says she wants an equal, but her actions clearly show that's not true. Further, I doubt she really considers anyone her "equal". I'd be willing to bet that the people who don't let her walk all over them are the ones she rejects as hating her, or being out to get her or similar. </armchair psychologist>

I must add my voice to the chorus of those urging you to cut off contact with this girl, at least until you get your life sorted out. Continuing to hash this out will only lead to more confusion and pain. (I speak from experience.) She'll be around; once you've gotten yourself into school, and have an emotional support network separate from her family and friends, then perhaps you can re-establish contact. In fact if nothing else, do whatever you can to find your own friends in the area, people who have nothing to do with her -- at the moment it sounds like the only people you've got to talk to about this are the same ones she's got, and they're certainly going to have some conflicts of interest. I would also suggest that you consider what other resources you have stateside; if it comes down to it, do you have friends or family in the US who would be willing to loan you the money to return here?

AMG, please go back and re-read what you've written. If all this had happened to a stranger, what would you tell that person to do?


--Janta

p.s. -- remember, ultimately the only person you can change is yourself. She can't and won't change until she wants to -- please don't fall into the trap of thinking that if you only try a little harder, love her a little more, help her with everything, that she'll become the person who know she could be. (I know how terribly cliche that sounds, but it's a cliche for a reason.)

 

[Tarrasque Wrangler]

She's told me a hundred times she doesn't want that...she needs an equal

So what she's looking for in a soulmate is a lying betrayer who completely misrepresents themselves to people they claim to love, sleeps around WITHOUT PROTECTION, is too gutless to tell their partner that they got knocked up, and then have the audacity to tell them to grow up. Sure you fit the bill?

Go knock up somebody that you don't even respect behind her back. Then you'll be equals.

 

[Pielorinho]

Ankh, I'm not gonna call her names or condemn her: she's in the same boat you're in. That is, she's trying to figure out the nature of love and relationships. And while I in no way belittle the love that teenagers feel, there's one aspect that it simply can't contain:

Experience, and the wisdom that attains thereby.

I learned a lot from my first relationship, to a great woman that I dated for two years, for whom I put off college for a couple of years so she could join me, whom I was certain I would marry, who ended up leaving me for an older woman after semicheating on me several times.

It took us a little over five years to get to the point where we're email friends, and I still think she's a great person, but looking back on that relationship through the lens of years, I shudder at how awful we were for one another. We were both trying to figure out relationships, and we were both, necessarily, experimenting on one another (because how else to learn?), and we both hurt each other terribly, almost always without meaning to.

So you're learning some lessons here. One lesson to learn is--well, have you ever had a cut in a prominent place, and you couldn't stop yourself from picking at the scab? The more you pick, the more infected that wound gets. Though the temptation to tear the scab away, to worry it, to examine it is overwhelming, you gotta leave it be.

That doesn't mean don't think about it: I may as well tell you not to blink. That does mean trying to remove yourself from the situation, so that the wound isn't constantly reopened, so that your psyche has time to heal.

Moving out is gonna be difficult. Please, do it as soon as you can manage it. You'll find yourself breathing fresh air that you'd forgotten existed.

You don't need to write her off forever (though you may eventually decide to do that). You really should consider at least a two-month period of silence, however. Be aware that she may want it to be longer; she may need it to be years. Respect that, much as it may hurt.

I was convinced, when my first girlfriend broke up with me, that I would never love anyone else. I thought it all through very carefully, and knew that that was the case, that it was darn near a mathematical impossibility for me to love anyone else.

I was, thankfully, inexperienced in the ways of adult love. I was wrong. And my vast wrongness is the closest I can come to offering you comfort.

Daniel

 

[AdmundfortGeographer]

You're 18. You're in a tough bind.

My suggestion, contact your family stateside, let them know that you need to come home but are totally unable to afford such an expense. If your family is as really close knit as you say, they would likely chip in for air fare to the states. I would consider asking any of them to help put you up until you can get back on your feet.

I'm 31. I am married and have a son (he'll turn 4 in september). I was laid off from a very well paying job shortly after Sept. 11th, and remained unemployed far too long. Not long ago, my wife and I sold our house because we couldn't afford payments and our savings were depleted, and she begged me to ask my parents to let us move in with them. My parents accepted joyfully. Right now, I have returned to college to finish a degree, I should be completed in about a year and a half.

You have family. Don't forget them when your life is upturned. Don't let your own pride hold you back.


Regards,
Eric Anondson

 

[Hypersmurf]

One lesson to learn is--well, have you ever had a cut in a prominent place, and you couldn't stop yourself from picking at the scab? The more you pick, the more infected that wound gets. Though the temptation to tear the scab away, to worry it, to examine it is overwhelming, you gotta leave it be.

Heh. I am absolutely incapable of leaving a scab alone.

That's one area I have zero willpower.

That does mean trying to remove yourself from the situation, so that the wound isn't constantly reopened, so that your psyche has time to heal.

Yeah. I tried the friend thing for a year, and it didn't work. Then I moved on to ignoring her for six months, even though we still ended up in the same place a couple of times a week. Which I hated, and it still didn't work.

It's only since I shuffled things around so that I never see her that I've actually started to recover.

-Hyp.

 

[Glak]

I am not in any way advocating that you commit a crime. Personally I would kill her, the other guy, and then myself. That's just me though. Don't do it, as it is illegal.

 

[Krieg]

Yes, I'm only 18 and I've made some serious choices that will effect the rest of my life very dramatically. Many people say I'm too young, but physical age is completely different than mental, and I can say without bragging that I'm probably well over 40 when it comes to mental age. I'm not too young...in fact, I think I'm too old too early. But that's not the point...now, I'll vent.

Don't kid yourself. You are not the same emotionally as the average 40 year old. True emotional maturity comes with life experience, something you are lacking at this point in your life. A difficult childhood is not a substitute for that.

I've passed the point of no return years ago. I'm here. I can't go back.

Bull. There is no point of no-return. That is a rationalization that you are using to justify your actions.

I can honestly say I'm not lying to myself.

No. You can't.

Most people would be angry in this situation, but then again, its not something that HAPPENS much. In fact, this is a very unique situation.

Don't kid yourself. It happens all the time.

Trust me when I tell you that at least some of the folks who have answered you in this thread have been in similar situations to yours (emotionally at least). They are advocating distance for a reason...personal experience.

Everything you have said so far belies your claims of maturity and being on top of the situation. Your words parrot those of every other 18 y/o who has ever lived. You haven't seen more, you haven't experienced more, you aren't any wiser than anyone else and your situation is in no way special or unique. You are a teenager letting his emotions and pride rule his decisions.

Seperation is exactly what you need right now. You don't have to return to the US, but you need to put space between yourself and this girl. If you really want the relationship to EVER have a chance, that seperation is absolutely necessary. If there is any chance for the two of you, you have to get away. Your staying will only drive her further away. If you push now, she will only flee farther. You run a very real risk of driving her away forever.


Am I being harsh?

Yes, but you need to hear it. You aren't listening to those who are trying to say it more tactfully (will except for TW anyways lol). The only real chance you have of salvaging yourself and any chance of this relationship ever working out is to achieve emotional seperation. Immediately if not sooner. End of story.

 

[Maerdwyn]

You can truly love her, and she can truly love you, and it can still truly be the best thing for you to break off all contact with her.

Since you are talking about love that is for the rest of your life, you have to take into consideration what the rest of your life would be like with this person. Not an idealized vision of what it would be like, butan honest appraisal of it which accepts that 1) you don't know her as well as you thought you did, or you would have seen this coming 2) Though she may love you, she is willing to do things that hurt you 3)She is willing to lie to you when convenient for her. Would have kept on lying to you had not the friend filled you in. 4) Does not honor comitments She was willing to do this at the very beginning of your committed relationship, when one might expect the passion and commitment to the relationship to be at a high point.

None of that necessarily makes her "bad," but she may be a bad match for you as a life partner. Both of you have free will. If you wait, she may indeed take you back. But her character will not have changed. By choosing to remain with her, you actively choose a life with a woman who will continue to hurt and lie to you, and for whom comitment is something less than eternal. Who is willing to make you feel as you feel right now. It is entirely up to you wheher you want to sign up for a life of that.

You have made a mistake. Not necessarily by deciding to be with her for the rest of your life - that's completely up to you. Rather, by moving in with her and her mother, you have made yourself completely dependent on the relationship. If you lived alone and had a job, you could make you decisions about her without the knowledge that deciding to leave her would result in financial ruin and social isolation. You need her, and not in the sense of overpowering love. That must change if you are going to rationally evaluate the state of your relationship and the love on both sides of it.

You need to get out of that house. Even if you eventually decide you go back to her, you need to make that decision from a position of strength, or at least equality. If you won't go home to you parents for a while, ask for a loan to help out with expenses until you can get a job that will cover you expenses until you can pay them back. I would suggest that you give it about six months of living successfully on you own before speaking to her at all. If after supporting yourself, making new friends, etc. for six months you still want her, then give her a call.

There is a very good chance that she will want you back much sooner than that after you leave. I would till wait the six months (longer, actually, but if you won't set a longer period six month will do). If she calls before that, don't speak with her except to say you need some more time to figure things out. It may not be the idea of losing "you" that makes her want you back, but rather the ego hit delivered when someone who has been pining after her no longer wants her. In any case, you need those six months (or longer) to get to know yourself as a healthy adult.

If afterwards you still decide that your love for her is for life, then six months is a short and excellent investment, and you will go to the relationship able to support yourself, financially and socially, rather than being dependent on her and her mom for those things. You want an adult relationship, not a parent-child relationship.

 

[Krieg]

Very well said Maerdwyn.

 

[Ankh-Morpork Guard]

sleeps around WITHOUT PROTECTION.

See, here's the thing...she USED PROTECTION. I can't stop defending her from certain things, mainly because she doesn' 'sleep around' as has been suggested. Its become a very awkward situation, and I do agree that getting out is what I have to do.

I just can't get out physically. I'm stuck HERE for now. If I try to get out of here, I'll have a hundred more problems piled on that I can't deal with right now. But since SHE will be moving out, and won't be contacting her mother(she's lived on her own before...never once thought about 'home'). She'll be too busy dealing with things on her end to have time to even try staying in contact. So I'll get that seperation, whether I like it or not.

I'll admit now that I've probably painte her out to be a lot worse than she really is. No, I'm not trying to take back the things I've said, but the blame for many things is just as much my own as it is hers. There ARE ways to 'fix' this situation, and everyone that's said 'get out' is pretty much right. I'm going to seperate myself as best as I can, and getting into College is really the first step.

I DO need friends of my own. I WANT friends of my own, and currently, that'll be the only way to get that. Once I have that, I'll transfer to a Student Visa and then I can get a job...so there's income and a slightly more stable life for me to focus on until...whatever. I'm not going to pretend to know what will happen, but I can say that I'm one stubborn jerk, and while I will back off, I'm not giving up. I'm not giving up because I know that's NOT the thing to do.

You want an adult relationship, not a parent-child relationship.

Exactly! The relationship really BECAME a parent-child one earlier this year due to my own...problems. I stopped doing a lot of things I should have, and focussed far too much on my own probems at the time. This left her stuck in a relationship SHE didn't want either. So, she found one she did want. Thing is, she got more out of it than she'd planned, and it looks to me like this current 'relationship', which barely qualifies as that anymore, is only going to last a few months. That doesn't mean I'm going to jump in the second its over. Far from that...but its something everyone else has seen.

From people here, most of the advice has been similar. Get my own friends being the key to it all. No one says 'get out' because they know I can't, but they DO say to go off an have my own life. I never really wanted that before, but now I think I do. I would LIKE her to be a part of it, but right now that's not going to happen...so I'll just have to deal with that.

Funny, I don't mind you guys being blunt and 'cruel' about this. I DO need to at least hear it. And it proves once more that ENWorld is really a great place. People here care, and that sure seems to be a rare thing on the net these days. I'l say that no matter WHAT ends up happening with all of this...thanks. Even if I don't agree with you, thanks.