[Updated!]I think my life has decided to fall apart

[Ralts Bloodthorne]

OK, buddy....

I'M going to blunt and cruel. First, I'll tell you where I'm coming from, so you don't think I'm some 13 year old reading a Dr. Ruth magazine...

I'm 34 years old. Divorced at 19, widowered at 21, and now married for 11 years. I've got 4 kids (2 mothers), and started sleeping around at 13 (Ahhh, the 80's...). I've lived in Europe and the US, and prefer (now) Central Germany over most places in the United States.

I've started over a few times. House burned down once. Lost everything I owned when a Texas Twister threw a trailer home into my house. Lost everything again duing a flood. Lost everything I owned when I went to Desert Storm and some low-life stripped my house.

So, I'm not exactly blowing sunshine up your butt with the following:

You're 18. You have a full life, and lots of women ahead of you.
You also have an option that you don't see, that most people would never have the guts to take. You seem like you do.

WALK OFF!

Pack your stuff into a napsack, as "Mom" if you can put the other stuff in the attic, get a handful of Euro's and start walking around. Do odd jobs here and there, sleep in hostels, work taking out trash for a bistro for breakfast. Sit beside the road and compose poetry.

DO SOMETHING!

You have the opportunity of a lifetime. Forget her. She's gone. Let her have her handfasting and her lover. You can take your life and do something you'll remember forever.

Make your way across Europe, promising "Mom" you'll come home in a year or two, settle down, get a job, and be productive. Take the time to get your head straight, move on with your life, let "cheating girl" move on with hers.

You have a major opportunity that someone needs to kick you in the ass and get you started on. See the culture, and immerse yourself in it. Only arrogant F**ktards think that America is the end all be all. You have an opportunity to do things you'll eventually be able to tell your grandkids about.

Stop moping about, stop pining over her.

It's over. She's gone. Move on.

"But I don't want to!" "But it can be saved!" "But I can fix this!"

Hey, go into her purse, get your testicles, and hook them back on.

Pack a change of clothing into a napsack, get a map and "Europe on $5 a day" book, and start walking. Rent a bicycle. GO see Europe.

You have no attatchments. If worse comes to worse, you can come back to "mom" in defeat if it gets too much for you.

Take a chance.

 

[Ankh-Morpork Guard]

WALK OFF!

Pack your stuff into a napsack, as "Mom" if you can put the other stuff in the attic, get a handful of Euro's and start walking around. Do odd jobs here and there, sleep in hostels, work taking out trash for a bistro for breakfast. Sit beside the road and compose poetry.

DO SOMETHING!

This I can say that I WON'T do. I'm going to go to school. I WANT to go to school. And while I nearly DID just walk off without a work last week, I decided against it because I don't even have enough money to survive that way.

Right now, going to College is more important to me. I've got the chance to do it, and I'm taking it.

 

[Ralts Bloodthorne]

This I can say that I WON'T do. I'm going to go to school. I WANT to go to school. And while I nearly DID just walk off without a work last week, I decided against it because I don't even have enough money to survive that way.

Right now, going to College is more important to me. I've got the chance to do it, and I'm taking it.

College is different. Good thing to do.

Honestly, though, I met a lot of people who did the "backpacking through Europe" thing during a summer break, and it really gave them an unusual outlook on life that I appreciated.

I guess my post boils down to: Live your own life, and move in with it.

Besides, you say you don't have enough money to survive that way? What about the people that drift from town to town in Europe, working here and there, surviving off of basically nothing and talking weird subjects at the hostels? Or is that not done any more?

Like I said, I guess I'm just suggesting you set her to the side, chalk her up as a lesson in life, and move on.

 

[Maerdwyn]

See, here's the thing...she USED PROTECTION. I can't stop defending her from certain things, mainly because she doesn' 'sleep around' as has been suggested. Its become a very awkward situation, and I do agree that getting out is what I have to do.

I just can't get out physically. I'm stuck HERE for now. If I try to get out of here, I'll have a hundred more problems piled on that I can't deal with right now. But since SHE will be moving out, and won't be contacting her mother(she's lived on her own before...never once thought about 'home'). She'll be too busy dealing with things on her end to have time to even try staying in contact. So I'll get that seperation, whether I like it or not.
<snip>
From people here, most of the advice has been similar. Get my own friends being the key to it all. No one says 'get out' because they know I can't, but they DO say to go off an have my own life. I never really wanted that before, but now I think I do. I would LIKE her to be a part of it, but right now that's not going to happen...so I'll just have to deal with that.

(A little blunter, this time, but not out of unkindness. I won't write more after this unless you'd like me to, and you can take this or leave it, as you choose.)

Just to be clear, I think several of us here are saying 'get out'. While you live with her mother, regardless of her daughter's presence, you are not your own man, and can't know the pride of being your own man that your word show you crave. If you are in a situation you cannot support on your own, you need to get into one you can.

That is, you need to if you want to be thought of, by yourself or anyone else, as an adult. If you want to have a permanent, adult relationship with this girl, both you and she must relate to each other as adults, without her mother supporting either of you. Your part is to be a man - at which point you can honestly evaluate whether this girl is acting like the woman you want to spend your life with.

At 18, I still had several years of growing up left to do. That may or may not be the case for you. But If you are a fully formed adult, there is no reason you cannot find yourself some other living situation, even if it one less desirable, comfortable, or emotionally charged as your current one. If you are not, admitting it, and doing something about it would be a big step in maturity. Children hide mistakes and deny failures. Mature people recognize and rectify them.

College sounds like a good step - it's where I, and a lot of other people in the past few generations have done a lot of their growing up - as long as it's living on campus, and as long as you, like her, have no contact with the mother. Otherwise college, right there, continuing to live with her mom, is just an expression of the fear that if you leave (the house, Britain, whatever), that you will never get back together with her. It would be just an attempt to hang on, desperately trying to avoid admitting to yourself that you may have made a mistake, or failed. Failure is not the worst thing that can happen to a person - perpetuating failure when there are ways to end it, is much worse.

 

[Ankh-Morpork Guard]

Maerdwyn...

Another thanks to you. I've got a few people here that I'm trying to get in contact with, and its possible that we could move in together for College. I doubt it will happen anytime soon, but it IS something I've been looking at. I guess when I say I can't get out, I mean I can't do it NOW. I have to work towards it, and College and a job are two ways to aim towards that.

Warlord Ralts...

The backpacking across Europe is another thing I'd thought about for a while. I know right now it isn't something for me to do, but everytime I think about it I kind of grin and wonder what it would be like. Its something I'll probably try to do eventually, but College is priority for me at this point.

 

[Maerdwyn]

Maerdwyn...

Another thanks to you. I've got a few people here that I'm trying to get in contact with, and its possible that we could move in together for College. I doubt it will happen anytime soon, but it IS something I've been looking at. I guess when I say I can't get out, I mean I can't do it NOW. I have to work towards it, and College and a job are two ways to aim towards that.

Glad to hear it, AMG. Good luck to you; it sounds like the thing you're planning will get things going in the right direction.

 

[dream66_]

Let me tell you a little story of my own life.

I had a boyfreind who cared about greatly I loved him. After just a few months of us dating, He wanted me to move a great many miles with him half way across the country, he told me he would support me there, I didn't need to worry about my family or money or job or anything he'd take care of me when we got there.

I looked inside myself, I wanted to go, I badely wanted to go, but I couldn't make myself fall into that dependancy. Turns out his reason for moving was to be closer to a girl that lived there he had never really gotten over. And when she didn't want him and he couldn't find a job and ran out of money, he came home.


Until you take that step away, get that seperation you'll never be able to see what's really going on. You can't see the forest for the trees, so climb the mountain and get the big picture. It's hard, but life is hard. We're only trying to help you here.

 

[Banshee16]

Real love is a two way street. If she doesn't have it for you then it won't happen. Are you sure you see something hidden or are you just lying to yourself to avoid the pain?

Give yourself time and distance, when your mind clears of the confusion then you will be able to make real choices. It took me about two years. Then another two to find my wife. We have been married for 14 years and I had no idea I/we could be this happy after 14 years of being together. We are happier now than ever before.

My first love? A sick and twisted memory that doesn't hold a candle to the real thing. She is not the end all, be all of your life. Some day you will find out what that really is. First you have to learn better.

Who knows? Maybe she is just as torn up and twisted inside as you are and has convinced herself that you and her can't happen. Maybe.

More likely she comes first in her mind. That is not real love of another, that is love of herself and what she wants.

If you and her are really meant to be give yourself that separation and time to clear your head. If your meant to be she will wait for you because she will come to realize that there is no one else for her but you. If she doesn't come to realize this, on her own, then it isn't for real. When you have the distance and clarity to look at this situation without so much emotional turmoil, maybe then you will realize the truth of things for yourself.

Either way, your in for a lot of pain. Just remember there is a life after her. Don't give up on yourself. Everything else will fall into place when it is time.

I would tend to agree with you here. I may not have as much experience, but my "first love" is somebody I'd known for years. I thought for sure that was going to be it. Until I was cheated on. We ended up breaking up, even though I didn't want to. And we tried to stay friends, which was a mistake. The problem is that it makes it very difficult to heal....almost impossible, really.

The fact that Ankh-Morpark is staying in her mother's house, in a country so distant from his own, won't make things easier. I think a clean break, and time away is important. Ankh needs time to clear his head, and meet other people, and perhaps realize that this woman *isn't* his soulmate. Or to realize that she is, and no amount of time away will make things better. At least in the short-term though, staying in that situation is very unhealthy, IMO.

Not that I went in order to meet women, but I did find that University was an excellent opportunity to build new friendships with bright people that shared similar interests.

Banshee

 

[Tarrasque Wrangler]

You aren't listening to those who are trying to say it more tactfully (will except for TW anyways lol).

The internet is no place for tact. I stand by that . But since my message may have gotten lost in my love of soundbites, here's the touchy-feely Oprah version of what I said before:

Ideally, we want to choose life partners who share our interests, passions, intellectual bent, favorite sports team, etc. I can tell you that all of these things are negotiable. I've dated people who were TW Dittoheads and people who argued constantly with me on everything from politics to favorite bagel topping. The only thing that isn't negotiable is morals. If you are someone who values personal morals and ethics, if you're the kind of person who would never cheat on or lie to someone you love, then you must have a 100% zero tolerance policy for anyone who doesn't hold those values.

Hey, go into her purse, get your testicles, and hook them back on.

I love this guy! Someone buy him a beer on me.

 

[Superunknown_GP]

Ouch.

AMG, I haven't been logged in here in forever, but I just did after reading this thread.

This is the first time I've ever read a thread and felt worse about someone else's love life than my own.

Kudos.

Now, on to the advice:
RUN. Run as fast you can. Yeah, maybe it's true love, and maybe it's not. On your part. But she cheated on you, got handfasted to someone else, and has left you behind with her mother. So she obviously doesn't love you. Or at least, not enough.

Get the hell out of the situation. Go back to the US, or wander around Europe, or even just find a job wherein you can work under the table, but you have to get away from her for a while. 6 months is probably the LOW end of the amount of time you need. I'm 24, I've been through some awful in my love life, and let me tell you, the perspective you'll gain by being away for a little while is astounding.

Honestly, I'd tell you to go find another girl, even in a not-very-serious relationship, if I thought you'd listen to the advice. You've chased this one across an ocean, and all it's gotten you is hurt.

And I know this is going to sound awful and condescending, but every time I've fallen in love (thrice, for those counting at home), I've felt like it was the big one, the real thing, eternal, conquering all. And the last two times? I felt like the previous time was just a joke in comparison. What I'm saying here is, maybe when you fall in love next time, you'll feel really foolish about this one. 'Cause she doesn't deserve you, if she's treating you like that. I can tell, because about six months ago, I would've written much the same post.

Go. Live your life. Be someone. If you meet again on the path, then consider it. But give it a few miles first.