[Updated!]I think my life has decided to fall apart

[Ankh-Morpork Guard]

The money - absolutely. (Although if she was in the States in May, and she's five months along now, I'm not certain why she actually let you put down money on a ticket...?)

She didn't actually KNOW until we got back here...

Keeping you sane - she's reneged on that one.

...point.

Keeping you from injuring yourself - she's the cause of that one.

I was actually referring to more than one incident. Only one happened to be recent...its actually been a year or so since anything got that badly(before it was things to do with my own mother)

As for promises... is your Wiccan handfast still under warranty? If so, it sounds like promises are something of an abstract inconvenience to her, rather than a binding oath. And depending on the promises in question, circumstances may render them impossible to keep...

Technically, it still is 'under warranty'. I think what surprises me(and hurts) so much is that she's always been the same as I have been with promises. Only makes ones that can and WILL be kept. They aren't things to be taken lightly. Everytime I think about it, I start to wonder if its not me who needs to grow up or if its her...

Ah, like I say - I know how you feel. And this is the sort of advice I wouldn't have listened to at the time too

Well, think of it this way, I got here to the UK on stubborness. I've got NO family here(well, her mom's pretty much family now), and my entire family back in the States was very...against this. If only because everyone has always stayed close.

I definitely understand the advice you're giving, but like ByronD said, I have to listen to my real thoughts. A few times I have managed to clear my mind of panic and such and just think on things. Everytime, it comes down to me waiting on her. What I do with my life until that point gets to be a surprise to me, but there's a goal of sorts at the 'end' of it. I've spent too much of my life to let it die like this.

Hmm...I never seemed to believe that writing things down helps think them out, but I've gone from depression to determination in a matter of hours. Some things between she and I are of the such that I can't discuss with others. It means that I have to tell people "Trust me on this" and that's what had my family so worried. I can honestly say that if I wait for her, she will eventually realize I'm still there. I'll have changed, of course, but...I'll still be me. The love I have for her is something that can't change. It really IS a part of who I am by now.

Maybe things aren't as hopeless as I try to make myself think. I picked this path for my life not because it was easy, but because I KNEW it was right. All of it, not just parts of it. Its not something that I could just pick and choose from, and that's not changing. So now I'm here, and I've realized this path is a lot harder than I expected...no turning back anymore, though. I guess all I can do is hold onto the fact that I know its right. Hold onto that and keep moving.

Life's too complicated sometimes.

 

[Treebore]

Real love is a two way street. If she doesn't have it for you then it won't happen. Are you sure you see something hidden or are you just lying to yourself to avoid the pain?

Give yourself time and distance, when your mind clears of the confusion then you will be able to make real choices. It took me about two years. Then another two to find my wife. We have been married for 14 years and I had no idea I/we could be this happy after 14 years of being together. We are happier now than ever before.

My first love? A sick and twisted memory that doesn't hold a candle to the real thing. She is not the end all, be all of your life. Some day you will find out what that really is. First you have to learn better.

Who knows? Maybe she is just as torn up and twisted inside as you are and has convinced herself that you and her can't happen. Maybe.

More likely she comes first in her mind. That is not real love of another, that is love of herself and what she wants.

If you and her are really meant to be give yourself that separation and time to clear your head. If your meant to be she will wait for you because she will come to realize that there is no one else for her but you. If she doesn't come to realize this, on her own, then it isn't for real. When you have the distance and clarity to look at this situation without so much emotional turmoil, maybe then you will realize the truth of things for yourself.

Either way, your in for a lot of pain. Just remember there is a life after her. Don't give up on yourself. Everything else will fall into place when it is time.

 

[Ankh-Morpork Guard]

Real love is a two way street. If she doesn't have it for you then it won't happen. Are you sure you see something hidden or are you just lying to yourself to avoid the pain?

I can honestly say I'm not lying to myself. Lots of reasons, but part of it being I've given up on avoiding the pain anymore.

The hardest part for me explaining things to anyone is that I may be young, but I have a lot of experience I shouldn't have at this point. I've grown up too fast because of situations with my parents, but I've come out stronger from it. It also makes me sound arrogant, and honestly I'm not, I just can truly say that I KNOW certain things to be true. Finally learning to trust my instincts more(something she taught me to do, ironically enough), and believe myself when I really do know something.

Sometimes it really annoys me how things come back to bite me in the butt so quickly. Seems like these last couple of months have been the perfect times for a lot of old sayings(that I've always agreed were true) to come back at me. The current one seems to be:

"If true love it is, then set it free...if it comes back to you, then it was meant to be."

Note to self: Take. Own. Advice.

 

[Hypersmurf]

She didn't actually KNOW until we got back here...

She didn't know she was pregnant; she knew she was sleeping with her friend while handfast to you!

-Hyp.

 

[dream66_]

Girls don't get 5 months pregnant without noticing. She knew

 

[Ankh-Morpork Guard]

She didn't know she was pregnant; she knew she was sleeping with her friend while handfast to you!

-Hyp.

True. She shouldn't have gotten pregnant...but that's just another proof of how good birth control is these days. I dunno, that doesn't both me as much as being lied to.

Thinking about it, that guy's going to end up a lot more messed up than anyone in all of this. He thought I was going to rip him apart when he told me. The two of us stayed up all night just talking about all of this, and seeing him since he's got a very...confused air to him now. He knows that there are things she and I have to do on our own, and everytime I've talked with her about what she's going to do about all of this...he never gets mentioned.

She just used him as a doormat or sorts while I wasn't around. She did it to many people...it started to happen that way with me, and then that's when all of this started. She's told me a hundred times she doesn't want that...she needs an equal, but he can't be that, nor can any of the other people she's walked over without meaning to.

As arrogant, stupid, and stubborn it may sound, I know that I can be. It will take time, work, and probably a lot more pain...but the end point is well worth it. I wouldn't here, let alone still alive, if it wasn't. And until I can make it to that point, I'll fall back on my art. I let it slip anyway...something to focus on and put all my emotion into.

Most people would be angry in this situation, but then again, its not something that HAPPENS much. In fact, this is a very unique situation. Trust me, I'm listening to what EVERYONE has said. But I'm having to put that together with what I already know...and I know I'm not angry. Sad is almost right, but its one of those things where words just don't work right. Love never worked right either. Not a strong enough word for the connection between the two of us.

Gods, its already 2AM...I think I'm going to go get some sleep. The cat that has followed me around all week looks tired too. Heh, there's another reason I can't leave. The two cats here(her's and her brother's) have become like shadows to me. If I left, they'd die from lack of attention.

 

[Hypersmurf]

She shouldn't have gotten pregnant...but that's just another proof of how good birth control is these days.

The advantages of monogamy...

-Hyp.

 

[Baron Opal]

When I was in emotional turmoil over someone I thought was to be my lifemate, I found two things of great help: a) distance, and b) a time limit. The distance allowed me time for the confusion to settle down and figure out what she and I needed and wanted. The time limit was a time frame for me to figure out if she was really the one and to see if she / we were really able to get our situation sorted.

I think you need a good two months away from her. Your studying at the university will help you occupy your mind. Once you have sorted out your feelings for her and how the situation has impacted them (and it wounds like your getting close on this) then you can figure out how long you can wait for her.

Don't wait forever. Trust me on this. Don't waste your life waiting for your dreams. It just makes you bitter.

 

[Treebore]

Sorry but you don't walk all over people without meaning to, you do it because you don't care enough about doing it to stop.

I used to be the big jack-*ss bully type who's behind didn't stink. I was very strong, very smart, and very good at hurting people. My wife has shown me the better way. One of the first things she taught me was that I hurt people because I didn't care enough not to.

Your GF doesn't care enough about others. She can change, and maybe your the one to help her, but you sure won't be able to make her do it. She is going to have to want to.

Maybe you two are meant for each other, God knows everyone thought my wife and I were making a big mistake. It would have been too, but I was willing to change. So was my wife.

You and your GF are going to have to do a lot of changing and you both have to be willing, otherwise it will NEVER work.

Good luck, I hope you two prove everyone (naysayers) wrong.

 

[Angcuru]

Don't wait forever. Trust me on this. Don't waste your life waiting for your dreams. It just makes you bitter.

This is so very true. For the past two years (until about a month ago), I'd been in love with a friend from high school, and circumstance and my own cowardice kept me from telling her. So about a month ago a get a chance to talk to her between classes at college. That, and no more. Whether she hasn't been getting my messages or is simply ignoring me, I don't know. But what I DO know, is that pining after her for another year will do me no good and more than enough harm. Love IS a two-way street, and I was truly in love with her, but I will likely never find out if she could feel the same way towards me. So, instead of wallowing in lonely self-pity and bitterness (see: the past two years), I acknowledge that there's nothing for me there, and move on like I should have before. My false hope of being with her has kept me from pursuing any other possible relationships, and I regret that very, very much. I'll still have feelings towards her for a time, but there's nothing I can do about that. The only good that came of this was that I now know what it's like to be in love, and while I don't know how it feels to BE loved, that it can HURT when your love is not reciprocated.

I guess my whole point is that I can even BEGIN to imagine how you must be feeling right now. But stay strong.