[Updated!]I think my life has decided to fall apart

[Hypersmurf]

And we tried to stay friends, which was a mistake. The problem is that it makes it very difficult to heal....almost impossible, really.

Amen.

-Hyp.

 

[dreaded_beast]

I may have missed it in the thread, but how did you meet this girl anyway?

 

[Ankh-Morpork Guard]

I may have missed it in the thread, but how did you meet this girl anyway?

Met her online in an old clan for playing X-Wing vs. TIE Fighter.

 

[Radiating Gnome]

Here's an important question . . . but first . . .

There are a lot of people in the world, and a lot of different ways to lead your life. Some people let themselves get caught in emotional eddies and live their lives in a sort of tragic, self-destructive, self-perpetuating tragedy. And you're lining yourself up to be one of those people.

Do you want to be a 30 year old who is still broken up over a woman who disappeared from his life, long ago, and when she left you gave her so much of your self worth you don't have enough left to care about someone else? Because that's where you're heading.

You'll falling for the traps that used to catch me -- a feeling that you're needed, that you're special, that even if you're not dating your more important in her life that other people, other friends, even her dates. And what makes it so convincing is that it's really true. She means it, every word of it -- while she's in the room with you.

It's an important distinction. She's not lying, but the truth changes when someone else is in the room -- not because she's a bad person, but because she's a needy mess, and will cling to the nearest source of emotional support she can find.

That's not love, no matter how heady it is. It's a sort of vampirism.

And, the bottom line is, she'll never want you. She's never going to turn around and set her sights on you BECAUSE SHE ALREADY HAS YOU. You gave her your heart and soul already, and in the end that just makes you too easy, to safe, and not interesting enough.

But. If you leave. If you get the hell out of her mother's house and get your own life going, you own friends, your own feet back on the ground, where they belong -- then maybe you'll be ready to be won again -- and who knows, it might be her, coming back to see what she lost, or maybe it'll be someone better, someone who is looking for someone she can give back to as much as she takes.

I spent years -- too many to count (I'm almost 37, started dating at 17, you do the math, it ain't hard) and I've spent years and years orbiting a few women very much like the one you've described. When you in the room with them it's like the whole world is on fire. It's amazing. And while you're not together, you're still thinking about her -- probably having imaginary conversations with her in the shower, writing pages and pages in your journal about her. But all that time you're thinking about her, she isn't thinking about you. She's thinking about whomever else is in the room with her, and how she can get the attention she craves out of the person she's with.

The longer you sit around, mooning over her, especially in her mother's house, the less likely you make it that any sort of relationship will ever really happen between you too. Break out. Get some loans and get a crappy apartment above a pub. Or live in the dorms.

The question I started off trying to get around to asking is this: Do you want to turn into a 40 year old sad sack who spent his whole life loving a woman he could never have. Life isn't a movie. The ones we love don't come back if you wait long enough. That's the exception, not the rule. More often than not they never come back.

Start over, dude. Get out and live your own life, and see what else is out there.

-rg

 

[Ankh-Morpork Guard]

You'll falling for the traps that used to catch me -- a feeling that you're needed, that you're special, that even if you're not dating your more important in her life that other people, other friends, even her dates. And what makes it so convincing is that it's really true. She means it, every word of it -- while she's in the room with you.

It's an important distinction. She's not lying, but the truth changes when someone else is in the room -- not because she's a bad person, but because she's a needy mess, and will cling to the nearest source of emotional support she can find.

That's not love, no matter how heady it is. It's a sort of vampirism.

While I understand what you're saying, this just proves to me that I've misrepresented her because people here are getting the wrong impression. True, I've left out a lot of very major details, but a lot of them are not things that have a place on ENWorld, or with anyone else for that matter. They're thing between only she and I(and possibly a couple other people we're both very close with).

True, I've got to move on with my life. I plan to. I'm doing my best to do that with the resources I have at the moment. But the one thing I absolutly refuse to do is turn back. I will NOT run. I got here because I wasn't afraid to take the hard road. I didn't expect it to get any easier. I KNOW this path I've chosen is the right one. I KNOW that running is the worst thing I could do. I don't know HOW this path is going to work out. I know where its going, and I know the end result...but the direction is what I'm finding out. For me, this chaos currently occuring doesn't change the destination, it just changes how I get there.

Its amazing how determined this thread has made me. I've got a lot of good ideas on what to do now, and I have a lot of ideas on what NOT to do. Maybe her part in my life is over...maybe not. I doubt its over, but I won't say that I'm right on this one. Not just yet at least.

...well, at least I know I've got a hell of an adventure ahead of me, one way or another.

 

[Radiating Gnome]

Well, good luck, with whatever you do. It's your life, and even if you do the exact right thing this time -- whatever that is -- you're still going to screw up plenty before it's all over.

My grandfther said only two profound things in his entire life. One of them was this: You'll be a grownup the day you figure out you're just as big an as everyone else.

There are mistakes and screwups and lifechanging botches galore ahead of you -- this is just the first act of a very long play. So, good luck.

-rg, who wouldn't be 18 again if you paid him. A lot.

 

[cignus_pfaccari]

-rg, who wouldn't be 18 again if you paid him. A lot.

I have to say, AMG's handling this way better than I would. I'd be curled up into a ball and whimper for the next three months.

Brad

 

[Numion]

I'm sure you feel very mature, and you might as well be. So did I when I was that age. But lets face the facts here:

- You moved into another country with no means of support
- With no solid plans for future
- With no exit plan or possibility
- For a girl you've met only a couple of times
- You met playing X-wing online
- Who's already cheated on you
- Pregnant with another mans (boys) child

Thats the gist of it, no? Just saying that after that sequence of events took place you have hard time of assuring people of you maturity. Face the facts, realize that the situation is ed up and admit 'defeat'. Knowing when to quit and cutting your losses in a realistic fashion is something I consider mature. I'm not dissing you - we all do stupid things when we're young. Thats ok, you're allowed to make mistakes young. But realizing mistakes and correcting them is an important part of growing up, and being mature. Start now.

 

[Ankh-Morpork Guard]

I have to say, AMG's handling this way better than I would. I'd be curled up into a ball and whimper for the next three months.

Truthfully, I tried this for a day or two...didn't work. Just made things worse. I think I was trying it again when I first posted this thread. In fact, I tried AGAIN earlier today. Its really not worth it...hard to fight off when it hits, but I've managed it a few times so far so I think I can keep doing it.

You moved into another country with no means of support
- With no solid plans for future
- With no exit plan or possibility
- For a girl you've met only a couple of times
- You met playing X-wing online
- Who's already cheated on you
- Pregnant with another mans (boys) child

1. Do have means of support. I've got a good amount of friends here willing to help(if I can contact them), and this family is doing their best for me whether I want the help or not. At the same time, once I get my Student Visa I can work, so I planned(and still plan to) work to supporting myself.

2. Solid plans are pointless, they always get ruined. I had vague plans, and actually...most of them are still there. While coming here for HER was very important(and still is to me), College is ALSO a big thing. I want to develop my skills as an artist and hopefully(eventually at least) teach others.

3. Alright, truthfully that's probably the dumbest thing of all. I could ask my family back in the States and I COULD get back(hell, I bought round trip tickets since they were cheaper...I could go back December 2nd if I really wanted to).

4. I know it sounds childish, but those few times we met were enough to know I wasn't crazy. I still know that I've done this for the right reasons, and that I'll just have to adapt to things whether I want to or not.

5. Met her 8 years ago through playing XvT...started really talking to her about 5 years ago. For those five years, we talked on the phone for hours nearly every night. She gave up nearly all of her friends outside the internet just to speak with me. I'm not the only one who's had to make a lot of changes.

6. I didn't know she'd cheated on me until after I'd gotten here.

7. This should bother me more than it does. Young or not, this is the perfect thing to happen to her. She needs something stable in her life, and currently, I can't be that. Neither can the person she's 'with'. A child can, and will do that. It'll be very hard on her, but she'll have to deal with it.

 

[billd91]

1. Do have means of support. I've got a good amount of friends here willing to help(if I can contact them), and this family is doing their best for me whether I want the help or not. At the same time, once I get my Student Visa I can work, so I planned(and still plan to) work to supporting myself.

Good plan. Get a job that'll help pay your room and board and move out of her mother's place. Even if it's just down the street or off in the dorms. Set up boundaries and enforce them. That doesn't mean you can't go over to "Mom's" for Sunday dinner or high tea every week. It sounds like she's a nice woman even if her daughter is a bit on the blatantly careless side. Having that contact isn't a bad thing.

2. Solid plans are pointless, they always get ruined. I had vague plans, and actually...most of them are still there. While coming here for HER was very important(and still is to me), College is ALSO a big thing. I want to develop my skills as an artist and hopefully(eventually at least) teach others.

College is good but solid plans are not pointless. Get rid of that notion. That's part of being an adult, especially if you eventually do settle down with this woman and her kid.

3. <snip>(hell, I bought round trip tickets since they were cheaper...I could go back December 2nd if I really wanted to).

Keep that ticket as long as you can. If no job prospects arise and college isn't going that well, it's your exit out of there. I'm not saying you should definitely bolt, but reassess in November how college there is going (it's quite different from here), how things are going picking up a new social network, and job life.

4. I know it sounds childish, but those few times we met were enough to know I wasn't crazy. I still know that I've done this for the right reasons, and that I'll just have to adapt to things whether I want to or not.

5. Met her 8 years ago through playing XvT...started really talking to her about 5 years ago. For those five years, we talked on the phone for hours nearly every night. She gave up nearly all of her friends outside the internet just to speak with me. I'm not the only one who's had to make a lot of changes.

You know what? Since she's used you as a doormat and gotten hitched up with some other joker, all bets are off. She should start over, with competition from whatever other social group you get into, to try to gain your trust and affection. Set up boundaries, emotional and physical, that she has to overcome to get to you. Set up your own personal space and start over.

6. I didn't know she'd cheated on me until after I'd gotten here.

That's irrelevant. She knew and hid it from you. She might have been ashamed, sure, but who's she with now? It's not you. How ashamed can she be of that relationship? How serious can she be about you?

7. This should bother me more than it does. Young or not, this is the perfect thing to happen to her. She needs something stable in her life, and currently, I can't be that. Neither can the person she's 'with'. A child can, and will do that. It'll be very hard on her, but she'll have to deal with it.

Oh no. No no no. This works for some people but don't bet on it. As a single father friend of mine says, after a WHOOPS incident in college that left him with a son, his son was the best thing that ever happened to him, and the worst. If she changes because of the kid, exactly how she turns out won't be easily predictable. She might want to stick with the kid's father out of some sense of responsibility to keep the two of them together. She might go back to you, but still have this guy around as the natural father (nothing like reopening that wound constantly, right?). Or she might not change much at all, meaning that kid will probably grow up as a messed up soccer hooligan or worse because of having a messed up parent.
Do not rely on that child to be the stable thing in her life. It's absolutely helpless for many years and can't do anything to keep her stable. Depending on her, it could well do the opposite. That's one reason you're well off getting out of her mother's house. She might have to rely on mom, or maybe if she's not coping, you should push the mother to take a more active roll as best she can for the baby's sake.
It's also another reason for you to keep up some emotional boundaries around her. She may need friends and it may be a chance for you to repay some of the friendship she offered you when you were down. Keep it at that level as long as you can, as best you can assuming you stay in the area. And keep in mind that you've got your own life, not hers and not the life you thought you had ahead of you when you moved to Wales.