Was I too nice?

[Mamacat]

Hi, everyone:

I recently was a member of a game that broke up, but long before that, I became bored and fustrated. I wanted some imput on how you guys would have handled the situation. It was an Eberron game, running for three years, meeting pretty regularly once a week for 3 - 5 hours. In this time, we had only reached 6th level, and I was really frustrated, to the point that I was just showing up, and spent most of my time playing with my infant daughter. The GM's partner and another player were constantly running off, leaving my character and my husband's character to chase after them. And even though I was the rogue, no one bothered to ask me to open stuff, check for traps, etc - they just charged ahead (which, even though I can appreciate that sometimes characters might do that, it kind of negated my character, and the GM did nothing about it).

I only kept playing because my husband enjoyed going, and he was having fun, although he also stopped enjoying it shortly after I quit. The GM and I had a big blow-out over an unrelated event, and it ended with him accusing me of being a bad mother and saying he "feared" for my daughter, etc. My husband also eventually quit the game, because now he was left alone when the other two would run off.

I guess I kept hoping the game would get better, and the GM would take better control of things, but that never happened. The M&M game he ran before this was actually great, but this game just became a chore.

What would you guys have done before things reached a boiling point? Or was there no way around this, especially since it involved the GM's partner?

 

[Pseudopsyche]

IMHO, you were too nice. D&D games are [like] relationships. If your needs aren't getting met, you have (at least) three options. First, hope that the other people notice your unmet needs, care about them, and change their behavior for the sake of the group. In the meantime, you resign yourself to frustration. Second, leave the group, and trust that there are other fish in the sea. Third, communicate, at the risk of finding out something you'd rather not hear, but with the possibility of growing happier together.

 

[rgard]

Hi, everyone:

I recently was a member of a game that broke up, but long before that, I became bored and fustrated. I wanted some imput on how you guys would have handled the situation. It was an Eberron game, running for three years, meeting pretty regularly once a week for 3 - 5 hours. In this time, we had only reached 6th level, and I was really frustrated, to the point that I was just showing up, and spent most of my time playing with my infant daughter. The GM's partner and another player were constantly running off, leaving my character and my husband's character to chase after them. And even though I was the rogue, no one bothered to ask me to open stuff, check for traps, etc - they just charged ahead (which, even though I can appreciate that sometimes characters might do that, it kind of negated my character, and the GM did nothing about it).

I only kept playing because my husband enjoyed going, and he was having fun, although he also stopped enjoying it shortly after I quit. The GM and I had a big blow-out over an unrelated event, and it ended with him accusing me of being a bad mother and saying he "feared" for my daughter, etc. My husband also eventually quit the game, because now he was left alone when the other two would run off.

I guess I kept hoping the game would get better, and the GM would take better control of things, but that never happened. The M&M game he ran before this was actually great, but this game just became a chore.

What would you guys have done before things reached a boiling point? Or was there no way around this, especially since it involved the GM's partner?

The chain of events is a little vague to me, but if somebody accused my wife of being a bad mother, that would have been the last I played with that group.

Thanks,
Rich

 

[Thurbane]

While not excusing the behavior of the GM or other players, if something is bothering you about a game to the point where you just don't enjoy it any more, you really, really need to discuss the problems with the group.

I see so many of these threads where people let it build up to the point where they quit the group before they air any problems. :\

Communication is the key - if the GM or other players are doing something that is making the game "unfun" for you, you need to let them know. Granted, sometimes the problems can't be fixed, but more often than not a certain amount of mature discussion and a little compromise will do wonders for all involved.

I guess I'm lucky - the main group I game with have mostly been my friends for over 20 years, so we all feel comfortable discussing potential problems...

 

[Mark]

The chain of events is a little vague to me, but if somebody accused my wife of being a bad mother, that would have been the last I played with that group.

Thanks,
Rich

Sounds like the GM would have said that or something else as bad, sooner or later, so likely this group was destined for fallout. Mamacat and her husband should start up a new group, perhaps at their own home since there is a child to consider, and just move on without the other GM and group.

 

[Arkhandus]

You were too nice, and should have quit sooner. Or gotten someone else to run a campaign, using, y'know, normal XP advancement rules (or giving out story awards as the DMG suggests, if the reason for slow advancement was just due to a lot of RP-related stuff rather than combat).

 

[roguerouge]

Wow. Seems like the DM was a little... defensive? Is that the polite word for this? And now he's alone with the player he was running off with.

 

[Delta]

What would you guys have done before things reached a boiling point? Or was there no way around this, especially since it involved the GM's partner?

Recommend you decide for yourself very clearly what you want for youself. That's not necessarily easy, it can be tough. Do you want to play in a D&D game at all? Were you just humoring your husband? Would you rather have more quality time with your daughter?

I guess people have different situations, but I have a partner of 10+ years, and we don't do anything together just because one of us wants it. It has to be fun for both of us, or we let the other go do it themselves. The other thing I'll say is that we find having very young kids at game events extraordinarily disruptive... if you were doing that from the get-go, it was probably a sign you weren't really connecting from the start.

Anyway, pick what you're passionate about, focus on that, say "no" to everything else without guilt.

 

[Sigurd]

You weren't too nice. You probably have no conscience questions about your actions in the campaign. You haven't lost anything by being nice, or polite, or thoughtful.

You were probably too patient. You should have discussed it with the DM earlier and definitely discussed it with the other players. Defining your needs in this can only help you enjoy yourself.

I join with the others however that say if someone attacks my lady they attack me. I think the DM owns a big slice of insensitivity.

Couples that can game together have something extra to share. Don't give up on gaming with your husband and\or your daughter. Have no regrets, just look forward.


Sigurd

 

[Lhorgrim]

Welcome to the boards.

You'll get a lot of good advice here, but it's hard to say what I'd have done without being in the situation myself.

It sounds like you suffered in silence longer than I would have. IMO a campaign is a cooperative venture, and everyone should be getting some positive payback from the time, travel, and energy that they invest.

If you aren't getting the payout, then you should probably try to communicate the situation to the appropriate person (DM or group depending on situation). After the communication phase, you can usually tell pretty quickly if things are getting better or not. If they aren't, it's time to find a new game.

Good luck on finding a new group. I hope you keep visiting ENworld and let us know how goes the quest for gaming.