We're All Gamers Together: Why Harassment Has To Stop

Another piece talking about the harassment of women in tabletop gaming has surfaced on the internet. At least one of the incidents related in that piece has been substantiated as being true, so I am willing to accept that there is more truth in that article. Whether gamers, or geeks in general, want to admit it or not, there are serious issues within our communities with how people act towards women, people of color, and the LGBTQI. We need to knock that off right now. Obviously, this is an opinion piece.
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Another piece talking about the harassment of women in tabletop gaming has surfaced on the internet. At least one of the incidents related in that piece has been substantiated as being true, so I am willing to accept that there is more truth in that article. Whether gamers, or geeks in general, want to admit it or not, there are serious issues within our communities with how people act towards women, people of color, and the LGBTQI. We need to knock that off right now. Obviously, this is an opinion piece.
Just as a warning, for those who might be bothered by certain sorts of content, some of the incidents that were relayed to me, the stories that were told, have jarring, uncomfortable occurrences in them. If mentions of rape and unsolicitated physical contact will bother you, you might want to skip the rest of this article. I know reading the emails and PMs from these women bothered me as they came in.

As much as what these women related bothered me, and obviously bothered them as the targets of the harassment, I felt that the fact that it was so uncomfortable was exactly the reason why this current piece needed to be written. We, as a group, need to start looking the people doing this harassment in the eye and telling them that we don’t think it is okay. We need to stop pushing these accounts into the shadows, under the rugs, and pretending that they do not exist. We need to make our communities into better places for everyone, and not just a bunch of men.

I put out a call over my various social media feeds (which was shared a lot), asking for women to share their experiences of harassment in tabletop gaming with me. Anonymity was offered to those who wanted it, and not surprisingly most respondents asked that their names be kept confidential. The reasons for them wanting to be kept anonymous were one of two. First, they were afraid of further harassment within their communities for calling out the bad behavior. They seen how women who tell men to stop get treated in small, closed communities and, for better or worse, they want to continue with their hobbies without additional harassment. The second reason was a bit scarier. Some of these women are professionals, working in tabletop gaming in a number of different capacities, who fear that publicly coming forward would negatively impact their careers within gaming.

I’ll just say that last one again, with emphasis: they were afraid that coming forward about their harassment, or the harassment that they had witnessed, would negatively impact their careers in tabletop gaming.

Because of these reasons, I will be keeping the identities of everyone who asked anonymous. Everyone who spoke with me identified themselves, I am just not identifying them.

One of the common threads through the experiences shared was rape. Most of these women had had characters raped during convention play, online games, or at events at stores. Sometimes the rapes were matter-of-factly introduced into play, others there was a titillating level of graphic detail to the assaults. One women talked about how a regular attendee at a local convention bragged of having a “rape kit” in his car for the women at the convention, and at one point he yelled at her to “find him women to sleep with.” She also talked about the organizers of the convention having a “men only camping retreat” and when she was on the board of the con the only way that she could attend was “nude and wearing a dog collar.” Another woman talked about the GM of her online game suddenly having her character knocked unconscious, taken away on a ship, and then graphically narrated raping her character. All of this occurred on voice chat while using a popular virtual tabletop site.

Another woman told me that her attempts at organizing a couple of women only games for a VTT online convention was met with such vehemence from male gamers that the games were pulled from the schedule of the convention.

People wonder why more and more people think that anti-harassment policies are needed at conventions. After all, even Gen Con has one:
Gen Con: The Best Four Days in Gaming! is dedicated to providing a harassment-free Event experience for everyone, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, disability, physical appearance, body size, race, religion, or affiliation. We do not tolerate harassment of convention participants in any form. Convention participants violating these rules may be sanctioned or expelled without refund at the discretion of show management.

And an Ethics policy:

All of the following constitute grounds for expulsion from the convention without refund:
  • Violating any federal, state, or local laws, facility rules or convention policies
  • Failure to comply with the instructions of Gen Con Event Staff or security personnel
  • Using anything in a threatening or destructive manner against person or property
  • Endangering the safety of oneself or others
  • Threatening, stealing, cheating or harassing others
  • Failure to conduct oneself in a mature manner

The creators of the 13th Age RPG have anti-harassment policies for their organized play because “Nobody shows up for a game with the goal of feeling uncomfortable or unsafe, and sorry that they came. But organized play brings together many different types of people with different expectations and approaches to play. An anti-harassment policy sets ground rules that everyone can recognize and follow, resulting in better games and more fun.” In the policy they outline harassment as “Everyone has the right to a space that is safe from any type of harassment: physical, verbal, emotional, or sexual.”

Honestly, considering the experiences that have been related to me, these sorts of policies should be commonplace for conventions and organized play. I have heard that Paizo is currently drafting an anti-harassment policy for their organized play, and Ad Astra Games has one in place already.

These are some of the more overt things that women have to deal with in their tabletop gaming experiences, and doesn’t go into the more “casual” or systemic harassment and sexism that women deal with at conventions, in online play and at game stores. One of the women talked about women being a subclass in society, and it being more so in gaming communities. “It sucks for a female gamer, going into a store and having that reaction.”

Men are openly commenting on women’s body parts in a sexual manner. Sexual content is added to games because “that’s the kind of stuff that women like.” Crude sexual references and jokes are made.

I’m not saying that there is no place for sexual, or adult themes, in gaming. Just the opposite, in fact. In my personal groups I game with grownups, and we play games that can have adult material in them. We have, however, agreed that content like that is okay in advance, and most of the time we agree that players’ agency over their characters should not be railroaded by the story of the game, or the actions of the GM. There is a huge difference between making awkward sexual comments out of the blue, because you are hoping it will interest a woman gamer, and making awkward sexual comments that people expect in their game. This goes doubly so for games in public spaces, like conventions or stores.

And just because it is okay with your wife, girlfriend or the woman in your gaming group at home, that doesn’t mean that it is okay with all women. If it makes someone at the table uncomfortable, or makes them feel like they are being harassed, just don’t do it, or apologize for having done it.

And, of course, none of them are safe from accusations of being a “fake geek girl,” or being in the store to get something for their husband or boyfriend. Apparently the idea that a woman would want to buy her own dice or miniatures or rule books is alien to some gamers.

As Jon Peterson, author of Playing at the World, points out in an online essay, there have always been gender problems in tabletop gaming. But he also points out that women have been interested in tabletop gaming for a long time. But, just because something has “always been that way,” it does not mean that it has to stay that way. Even in the 1970s TSR Games employees were taken to task by fandom, and female designers, to be more respectful of women gamers and to stop using phrases like “ladygamers.” Sadly, these attitudes that were considered to be outdated back then are still being perpetuated now…in some cases by some of the same people.

My first AD&D group, back in 1979, had a woman for the GM, and about half of the group were women. Most of my groups since then have had women involved in them. We need to be better, as a community, about these things. We need to speak out when we see women being harassed, online or in person, and we need to tell the people who think that doing this is okay that it isn’t. We need to be active in making the change that creates better communities where we don’t have to worry about our friends being harassed because of their gender, or their sexual preferences, or their ethnicity. We have to convince conventions and organized play societies that having anti-harassment policies is a good thing, and enforcing them so that everyone feels welcomed and accepted is a better thing.

Guys, we have to remember that this isn’t about us. This isn’t about our perceptions of what is happening at conventions, during organized play events and in online games. We sit back, listen and ask what we need to do, rather than try to make the discussion about how it “isn’t all men.” We already know that. We need to not take the focus away from what needs to be done.

There are never going to be completely safe spaces, in gaming or outside of it. However, we can make better places where no one has to worry about their body parts being part of the table talk, or their characters being sexually violated. It is the 21st century, and we should be better about this than we are. We need to stop being quiet, stop facilitating harassment, and we need to start making better spaces for ourselves and our fellow gamers. A group, like nerds, that talk so much about being harassed in their youth for being different should really be more sensitive about harassing others. We can, as a group, be better about this, and we need to do it.
 

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I don't have the link like you said this is a huge thread to look through. It suprised me the numbers too that is why I keep reposting them and I even asked above if anyone like me thought it was crazy high. I do trust that even if they are not exactly r ight someone like Umbrian would not post purposfully miss leading info I have had more then a few discussions with him (some I agree with him others not so much) but he has always been honest inteligent and a pretty straight shooter.

You also raise a point about the news why isn't this on the news more...should we all right CNN and FOX and our local stations to do a peice on the extreme number of young women who are raped at comic con and gen con?

I mean I would have assumed that the number of sex assaults at gen com would be less then 500 in its 50 years total learning it is closer to that many a day scared the you know what out of me

I find the number of assaults at a convention like that to be wholly unbelievable. There's no way that a bunch of gamers are that much worse than gang members, pimps, slums, and so on.

I don't think Umbran would knowingly post misleading info, but that doesn't mean that the study he's talking about is correct.
 

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I agree. I think even with adjusting the 8% down to account for how many females are there you're still left with a number so high that it'd be a much better known problem - both by convention staff and by our community.

Something else that could modify the number of people being assaulted at gaming conventions. Was the poll in question asking about a specific gaming convention or was it asking about people's complete experiences at gaming conventions - which would obviously, for many people, account for multiple conventions.

If its the latter, then obviously not all of the people who've will be sexually assaulted at gaming conventions will all get assaulted at the *same* gaming convention. Some will inevitably not get harassed/assaulted at a specific gaming convention but could get harassed at one or more in the future or has been at one or more in the past.

Yeah. Maybe the 8% number was the number who have ever been assaulted in their lives at any game convention. That would make more sense and drive the number at any given convention down to more normal crime levels.
 

I find the number of assaults at a convention like that to be wholly unbelievable. There's no way that a bunch of gamers are that much worse than gang members, pimps, slums, and so on.

I don't think Umbran would knowingly post misleading info, but that doesn't mean that the study he's talking about is correct.

I have been Useing half that number... 4% instead of 8 just to give margin for error... At 4% it is still 500 a day. Of it was 500 per year it would be staggering...that is 1% this needs addressing there should be 0 rapes and less then 10 sexual assaults at the cons...not 500 a day
 

Its the cops job to find out who did it they can't all be as inept as my local ones...

Dude, this isn't a TV police procedural with labs that get you definitive answers in an hour, and Sherlock Holmes doesn't actually exist. If you reach over and grab a woman, you very probably don't leave any physical evidence they can use. Lacking physical evidence or a recording of the act, it becomes "he said, she said", which goes nowhere fast.

And, again, you're now requiring the victim to support a court case that's going to happen a thousand miles away from where they live months after the convention.

Moreover, there comes a point where trying to divest ourselves of responsibility to act becomes ethically questionable.
 

And again as long as 500 women a day (aprox) are being assaulted at gen con I don't see why we need to worry about tee shirts jokes or free speach all of that pales next to 500 assualta a day


Edit to try to clairafy so I don't get us derailed again: earlier we were argueing 0 tolerance and marking the con safer by not letting people say things that was not directed at you but a clirfy what I meant by putting aside speech. Yes threats of violence (assault as you defined it) needs to be stoped too. I am agreeing now that we need to raise the level of security I just think we. Need to start with 8% assualts

yeah lets do that. lets do that because it means you and i dont have to do jack. it means i dont have to do the uncomfortable stuff like asking the bloke beside me his comments or roleplaying is unacceptable, it means i dont have to reach out to a complete stranger and make sure she is ok, and I dont have to be the spoil sport who tells the joker at the table that he is not funny but is crude and offensive.

thats a cop out from where im standing. the behaviour is undesirable and it makes others feel unsafe. we can be men in lots of different ways - standing up for others who dont have the voice or the power to do it themselves is a perfect start. and if you dont do it at least support the person that does and side with them straight away. dont wait to see if they cop any flack first.
 

I did nothing but clarify legal definitions. I never suggested wearing an offensive t-shirt alone constitutes assault, nor did I mention inappropriate jokes. Now if I were a black person and you showed up in my presence wearing the white hood of the KKK that could reasonably be construed as assault. Asszult is merely taking an action or words that creates the fear of harm in a reasonable person.

An assault needs to be a threat coupled with an apparent and present ability to carry out that specific threat.

Just wearing a KKK white garb isn't enough to fit that bill, just as carrying a confederate flag above your head or having it on a T-shirt doesn't fit that bill. I'm not going to post pictures of recent KKK demonstrations (rallies, protests, marches, etc) but some of their members are bold enough to wear the KKK white garb in public and the police don't bother them. Google images can bring up plenty if you care to look.

Yes a private venue does have the RIGHT to limit the kind of speech or clothing worn in their venues. If they lower the bar on speech to eliminate anything that offends or makes others uncomfortable that is their RIGHT. If they do so because they believe limiting peoples ability to offend others is good for business, that is their RIGHT. Free speech is not an unlimited right, the USSC as found for legal limitations, slander and libel, incitement to violence, pornography beyond the standards of the community, and PRIVATE venues, non are protected under the Constitution.
A Black Baptist church does not HAVE to allow KKK members preaching hate on their premises, and Con organizers do not HAVE to allow clothing or comments that make people uncomformtable. Pretty simple really.

A convention could also make it a male only event, but just because they could doesn't mean that they should. There's nothing wrong with people voicing their opinions about policies going too far, especially this day in age when there are plenty of examples of policies going too far. Surely there are policies that we can put into place that both help reduce incidents and at the same time aren't overbearing. The issues being discussed here seem to be where the line should be drawn.
 

yeah lets do that. lets do that because it means you and i dont have to do jack. it means i dont have to do the uncomfortable stuff like asking the bloke beside me his comments or roleplaying is unacceptable, it means i dont have to reach out to a complete stranger and make sure she is ok, and I dont have to be the spoil sport who tells the joker at the table that he is not funny but is crude and offensive.

thats a cop out from where im standing. the behaviour is undesirable and it makes others feel unsafe. we can be men in lots of different ways - standing up for others who dont have the voice or the power to do it themselves is a perfect start. and if you dont do it at least support the person that does and side with them straight away. dont wait to see if they cop any flack first.

I'm straw man...I promised we do ALOT more... We need like a neighbour good watch but a con watch we need to help with more security and report any and all activity... I don't know where this do nothing thing comes from
 

I have been Useing half that number... 4% instead of 8 just to give margin for error... At 4% it is still 500 a day. Of it was 500 per year it would be staggering...that is 1% this needs addressing there should be 0 rapes and less then 10 sexual assaults at the cons...

Your 4% is almost as bad. Let's assume that the convention is as bad as the gang infested slums of Los Angeles. Let's also increase con attendance to 100k, instead of 61k. We now have 2 rapes and 20 assaults per day. Not 500. Not 1000. It needs to be fixed, but let's at least try to fix the reasonable number and not one that is blown way out of proportion.

not 500 a day

There aren't.
 


I find the number of assaults at a convention like that to be wholly unbelievable. There's no way that a bunch of gamers are that much worse than gang members, pimps, slums, and so on.

Well, consider that, depending on whose studies you read, over 60% of sexual assaults and rapes go unreported to the police. So, if you are basing on reported crime rates, you have to *more than double* to get the actual incidence.

I don't think Umbran would knowingly post misleading info, but that doesn't mean that the study he's talking about is correct.

I think I was pretty clear about its provenance, and posted links. The raw data is available. It was an *informal* study, done by an attendee, and I remarked that I myself would prefer to have more rigor.

But, let us take that 8% number just as historical: 8% of ComicCon attendees are harassed at some point in their con-going career. San Diego ComicCon 2015 had something like 130,000. That means if you were there, you were standing in the company of 10,000 people who have been harassed at some convention. You go to see the masquerade? These people are *all around you*. There will be several in your line of sight at pretty much all times. Consider that.
 

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