What weapons are safest for the fumble prone?

[Noumenon]

After hearing a story of someone chopping his arm off while trying to scrape green slime with an axe, it made me think: in a world with critical fumble tables, I would never wield a weapon that could chop off bits of me, get stuck in the scenery, or travel through time and assassinate Lincoln. Wielding a whip while wearing armor would be safe, as would buying a bag of tricks for each day of the week. What weapons would you use to be safe from fumbles, and which weapons would you be sure to not use?

 

[Olgar Shiverstone]

Blackjacks for everyone.

 

[jonesy]

Shield bash?

Blackjacks for everyone.

For a moment there I thought you meant the card game, and started wondering what the fumble table for that would look like.

 

[SkredlitheOgre]

USE: Spiked gauntlets. You can't be disarmed and it would be really tricky to have you drop them somehow. Plus, they make a really cool sound when two of you fist bump after pummeling some poor fool to death.

DON'T USE: A Dwarven urgosh or two-bladed sword, especially when charging. You try to impale someone, fumble and end up shooting your spleen back at your party.

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

1) Anything 2 handed, since the extra hand gives you more control.

2) Any polearm, since it's hard to hit yourself with a blade or point that is farther away from you than your natural reach. Y'know, like how it's hard to kill yourself with a hunting rifle.

3) A bludgeoning weapon, since punctures and slashes are slightly more dangerous than bludgeoning wounds.

Taken together, the safest weapon would be a 2-handed pillow-polehammer.

 

[The Shaman]

 

[gamerprinter]

Your fists? As gauntlets can still fall off, your fists won't fall off. Be an unarmed specialist.

 

[Summer-Knight925]

Dire Flail.

We have a 5% chance of rolling a natural 1, at least look dope when it happens.

 

[DnD_Dad]

Sock full of gravel...

 

[Croesus]

Sock full of gravel...

Sock of butter. (iCarly fans will understand)