"Mat, I think we should sit down with Perrin and these women we grew up with, maybe bring along Cadsuane and Verin, some members of royalty who've got big armies and some of the Ashaman, and get our sh*t together."
"Ok, Rand. I'll go get them."
Mat GOES. Mat COMES BACK.
"Here's everybody. I couldn't find Verin, but I do have the disinherited-but-hereditary ruler of the Seanchan in this duffel bag."
"MRPRPHRHPH!"
"Is she dangerous?"
"Give me three chapters or so, and I'll be in charge of the entire Seanchan empire."
"You can do all that in three chapters?"
"Well, you'll have to make them Perrin-themed chapters."
"Oh, h*ll. Of course, then."
Perrin OBJECTS.
"Hey!"
"It's true, wolf-boy. By the time you're done all your sniffing, scowling and brooding the rest of us will have finished Tarmon Gaidon, cleaned the whole place and put two coats of paint over the scorch marks."
Perrin SNIFFS. Rand smells SARCASTIC. Perrin SCOWLS and LEAVES.
"Yo, Berelain. Go keep him busy for a few chapters while Mat gets his other-side-of-the-ocean sh*t together."
"As my Lord Dragon commands." Berelain looks SULTRY.
"Don't point that thing at me, idiot. Perrin. Go work on Perrin."
"Whoops." Berelain takes her SULTRY somewhere ELSE, after PERRIN.
"That ought to buy us some time, Mat, get to work. The rest of you, let's figure our sh*t out, here."
People who've been DYING to get ORGANIZED for MONTHS get to WORK.
PERRIN spends a whole chapter thinking about FAILE, trying to avoid getting LAID by BERELAIN.
"OK, I want a status update."
ELAYNE enters. "Rand, how dare you! The Lion Throne is blah blah blah blah blah!"
"Shut the hell up. Here's your mom, your old maid and your mom's boy-toy."
Two SPEAR-SISTERS enter, with those freshly-saved PEOPLE.
"The Shaido are over there."
"See those two Ashaman? Bring them over here."
Ashaman ARRIVE.
"Lord Dragon?"
"See these spear-sisters? They're going to take you to a camp full of about ten thousand spear-wielding Shaido. Take some of the boys out there and kill everything that moves in a stiff breeze. I'm going to be out there in half an hour to check up on you, and if I find so much as a chipmunk left alive you're both getting voted off the island."
"As the Lord Dragon commands."
Ashaman LEAVE.
"Berelain, how's it going?"
"It's great. I feel like a kid with a new toy. I rubbed his pillow with my smallclothes this afternoon. He'll be twitching like a little fish on a big hook by now."
"Good. I figure Mat will need at least two hundred more pages. Can you swing that?"
Berelain JIGGLES.
"Good. Go."
Cadsuane ENTERS.
"Rand, you must learn to laugh. You must learn to be soft, and gentle, and loving, and pliant. You cannot win the last battle unless you arrive there with the mindset of a q-tip."
Rand HITS Cadsuane on her HEAD, has her TIED UP and placed in a CATAPULT.
Cadsuane is COLDLY DIGNIFIED.
"If you are going to act like a petulant child, you can expect that..."
Rand PULLS the LEVER. Cadsuane is FLUNG a great DISTANCE and is NOT HEARD FROM AGAIN.
Thom ENTERS, strokes his MOUSTACHE. Julin FOLLOWS.
"Good huck, Rand."
"Thanks. Here's a portal to the Tower of Ghenji. Go get Moiraine."
"Ok."
Thom GOES to get MOIRAINE, with Julin in TOW.
Elsewhere, Lan NAILS Nynaeve. Nynaeve LOVES IT. Both people COO. Perrin BROODS, SCOWLS.
Ashaman RETURN.
"Done, Lord."
"Good. See this guy? He knows where to find Masema, and he really doesn't want to tell us where he is. Get the answer out of him, go there, same deal; sheet of glass, no walls higher than my knees left standing. Find a Whitecloak and do them too, while you're at it."
"Honor to serve."
Ashaman LEAVE, taking GUY. GUY is POURED into the LATRINE when the Ashaman are DONE, Ashaman go to TOWN.
Perrin BROODS.
"Hi, Rand. I'm back. I've brought the military puissance of an entire continent with me. 'Sup?"
"Hi, Mat. Perrin is still brooding. Can you believe that?"
"Yeah. You know, I used to think that you two knew more about women than me, but I was wrong. Perrin doesn't know sh*t. Neither do you. I'm the mack."
Like f*ck, you are. I'm getting all the action I can handle, and it's wired right into my brain three ways. Soon as my school finishes their moving-picture invention, I'll show you."
Avienda, Elayne, Min ENTER.
"We all love you, Rand! Isn't it great that we can all get along and love each other as sisters, and you as a lover?"
Avienda, Elayne, and Min LEAVE.
"See?"
"Damn."
Royalty who've been here all along become UNCOMFORTABLE with this TOPIC.
"Oh, sorry. Mat, royalty. Royalty, Mat. I grew up with him. He's in charge of a continent. I'm sure you'll get along just fine."
Ashaman RETURN.
"Done, Lord Dragon."
"Good. Get everybody."
Everybody SHOWS UP.
Rand holds up a MAP, points to SHAYOL GHUL.
"Saddle up."
Egwene SHOWS UP with an ARMY of AES SEDAI, WARDERS.
"Rand, I am the Amyrlin Seat, you will blah blah blah blah."
"I'll nothing. We're going to fight the last battle in five minutes, here. Perrin's nearly done brooding, for f*ck's sake. You can get in line, or I can take the entire White Tower, turn it sideways and shove it brick-for-brick up your pretentious, serene-expression-wearing *ss before I wipe my own butt with your rainbow shawl."
Everybody SWEARS FEALTY to the LORD DRAGON, SADDLES UP.
Tarmon Gaidon ENSUES. Good guys WIN. Rand gets F*CKED UP. Jordan writes scene that he's had ready for YEARS. It BETTER be GOOD.
Perrin BROODS, wonders where EVERYONE WENT.
