World's Most Usless Spells

[Ravilah]

Okay, my PCs may soon run into a mad collector of "rare spells" and part of the gag is that 99% of the spells are unheard of--and practically useless (One of them is an extremely valuable incantation). Anyway, I remember a while back there being a thread about spells like bull's grace and cat's strength.
Another could be a spell that turns peanut butter into tuna fish, you know?
Can anybody come up with, say, thirty or forty more?

Thanks!

 

[kolikeos]

chal's great smile (illusion)
level: wiz 0 sor 0 bard 0
components: s
cating time: one move action
range: 10 ft or less
duration: 1 minute

an illusion of a big appears in the air and stays in place until the duration expairs.

 

[Planesdragon]

1. Hairball - a thrid level spell that causes the victim to hack of forty-foot radius hairball.
2. Lightning bug - Also third level, creates a bug out of lightning. The bug flies about randomly, and does 1d6 points of damage to the first creature or subject it lands on. (Determine randomly among all those within 120 feet.)
3. Magic Arrowhead (produce a dimly glowing arrowhead.)
4. Feathers-Fall (a'la Dragonlance)
5. Summon Munster (A giant block of cheese appears for one round/level Any creature eating it is hungry again after the spell ends.)

 

[Dark Jezter]

Mordenkainan's Slight Indigestion

 

[tarchon]

Bigby's Clapping Hand

 

[drunkmoogle]

Kwerquip's Blue Pill (Wiz3, Sor3, Clr2)
-Effect: Pleases the ladies.
-Duration: 10 Minutes/Level
A spell that cures impotency? That'll never sell!

Kwerquip's Witty Response (Brd0, Wiz1, Sor1)
-Casting Time: 1 minute
-Effect: Generates a topical, witty response.
Just be prepared to be part of the "one minute ago" crowd while in conversation. However, it is useful for those who see the future, as well as in online forums.

Kwerquip's Allergy Barrier (Brd1, Clr1, Drd0, Wiz1, Sor1)
-Effect: Target gains immunity to minor allergies.
-Duration: 1 hour per level

Man, those would make kickass potions.

Edit: er... not that i'm in need of them... heh. heh.

 

[Aust Diamondew]

Melf's Acid Sparrow.

 

[Kalendraf]

Non-magic missile - Summons 1 to 5 non-magical ammunition in mid-air between you and your target, but each immediately falls to the ground and vanishes.

Hideous Daughter - An image of very ugly female child shows up and begins crying and screaming at the top of her lungs. The effect awakens anyone within 20' (countering sleep effects), but has no other useful effects. Any attack on the image ends the effect. Otherwise it lasts 1 round per level. It's quite common for friendly characters to take a whack at it, just to make it stop!

Repulsiveness (self only) - Your charisma becomes 1 for the duration of the spell.

 

[der_kluge]

I remember that thread.

Some of the funniest ones were:

Exploding Familiar
(usable once, and regular consequences apply)

and
Transmute Dwarf to Elf
(target has to be willing)

 

[MDSnowman]

Caffine Addiction
Once you cast this spell you get a +1 bonus to initative for one encounter. The next day if you don't cast this spell on yourself again you suffer a -1 to all iniative checks for that second day.