World's Most Usless Spells

[Someone]

Actually, I´ve (with any of my wizard characters) ever wanted to design the Detest Magic spell (makes the target hate magic) but never could.

 

[rrealm]

Detect Secret Whores

This spell is great when you're at a party. Helps you narrow down the playing field. Hopefully they don't cast the following spell.

Remove Hands

 

[Mark]

Tweeze Sliver

 

[Nuclear Platypus]

Animate Bread
Improved Flatuence
Delayed Blast Flatuence
Kobolds to Kolaches (with cheese is higher level)
Magic Gristle
Court Summoning I - IX (material component: a citation)
Disco Lights (worse if combined with an Irresistible Dance)

But you could keep the spells but change what they do like:

Message - whispered message is similar to spam mail / telemarketers
Hold Person - target has an irresistible urge to cuddle with a humanoid
Hold Monster - as above but works with monsters
Blink - target feels as tho something is in their eye
Speak With Animals - target must baby talk with animals
Make Hole - creates a hole in a nonlving object
Shatter - somatic component: throw fragile object against the wall, floor, etc.
Wail of the Banshee - target has irresistible urge to sing badly, especially high notes
Curse - caster utters an expletive
Burning Hands - caster's hands burst into flame doing 1d4 points of damage / level (max 5d4).
Acid Arrow - target sees sounds and hears colors (as in LSD)
Shocking Grasp - target is startled after being touched by the caster
Rope Trick - caster's clothing changes to that of a cowboy and procedes to demonstrate a lasso (lariet?)
Secret Page - caster is followed by a servant whose existence was previously unknown

 

[kolikeos]

teleport with error
transmutation
level: wiz 4 sor 4 travel 4
components: v
range: personal
target: caster
duration: instant
save: none
sr: no

as teleport, but no chance of 'on target'

 

[Sejs]

Tasha's Uncontrollable Hideous Daughter.

 

[Aristotle]

Great thread, although as I read through it I realize I could never do this sorta thing in my own game. My players are crafty... they'd end up finding a use for even the most absurd spells.

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

Neutralize Poisson - prevents agressive fish from attacking.

Gary Glitter Dust - summons dust from under glam rocker Garry Glitter's bed.

UnHaole Aura- repels non-Hawiians.

Miracle - summons 1 white horse.

Enlarge Spell - Makes 1 scroll larger

Auntie's Magic Shell - summons a shell in which you can hear the sea. No, really!

Princematic Sphere - colorful dome of energy under which there is a perpetual purple rain which makes doves cry.

Misspell Machic- target can no longer spell the word mayic...moochick...maychuck...

Fore-sight- you see exactly where your ball lands.

Haste Mass - makes your priest say the service very quickly.

Keen, Edge! - compliments the ability of an Irish guitarist.

Elvis Sight- see the King!

Nundetection - they'll never sneak up on you again!

Chilli Touch - your touch makes someone tasty, spicy and greasy.

Webb - summons being who only wants the facts

Divine's Favor - a transvestite must do a favor for you.

Divine's Power - gives you the powers of a tranvestite in combat.

Endure Eminem - you can listen to his music or his political views without cringeing

Magic Muscle - REALLY pleases the ladies.

Fire S.H.I.E.L.D. - puts Nick Fury out of a job.

Fire Storm - puts a storm goddess/mutant on the unemployment rolls