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Worst Miniatures Rules Ever!

FireLance

Legend
On the advice of a friend, I got a starter pack for a new line of miniatures recently. Opening the box, I discovered that it contained sixteen Small and sixteen Medium-sized figures. The figures were non-random, which was a bonus for me, but quite repetitive. All the Small minis were identical except for colour (eight black, eight white). There was a greater variety of Medium-sized figures, but even so, there were only five unique designs among the sixteen figures and the equal distribution between black and white figures was slavishly adhered to. The design of the minis was a major disappointment. The sculpting for all the minis was stylized, even simplistic. The Knight figure, for example, was represented by a crude horse head. The starter pack came with its own 40 ft. by 40 ft. battlemat, though, which was a minor plus.

The rules, however, were the worst I had ever seen. The designer had obviously never heard of the d20 system, and the rules are utterly lacking in any kind of internal logic or consistency.

For example, combat is exceptionally deadly. The advantage is always to the attacker, who never misses and is able to destroy any figure with a single strike. This means that even a lowly footsoldier (Pawn) is able to eliminate a mighty castle in just one round!

Movement also seems arbitrarily restrictive. Most figures are only able to move in straight lines (no change of direction during a move), and are further constrained to move only horizonally and vertically and/or diagonally. A single friendly or enemy figure can block movement (except in the case of the Knight). The designer has obviously never heard of overrunning or allowing an ally to pass through your square. Furthermore, movement never provokes attacks of opportunity in the game, except in one very specific set of circumstances. Other movement quirks are: the Pawns are incapable of retreat, and the Knights must move in a peculiar L-shaped pattern. No explanation is given for any of these constraints.

Finally, the designer seems to have difficulty deciding whether the setting is a low-magic world (the Bishop figures cannot cast spells) or a high-magic world (the Castles are somehow able to move and attack). This interferes tremendously with my suspension of disbelief.

I would advise everyone at EnWorld to give Chess a miss.
 

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It's a fair bit better than the earlier rules which used only flat tokens and restricted movement to a single space (excepting when "jumping"). That version didn't even use half of the board spaces (there's a pattern referred to in the jargon that I can't quite remember).

Thanks for the playtest review, though, and for the warning!
 

Actually this particular mini game does not compare to the original live action version as depicted in History of the World Part 1.

"Knight take queen. Bishop take queen." ;)
 



Teh Queen is broken! She can move all over the place.

It's OK, though - I hear version 1.5 (Called "1E Revised") will give pawns the ability to charge 10 feet, and kick the butt of any piece it passes - but only on the first turn. They're also taking away the "castle" shared feat of the king and the rook, because the playtesters thought it was too lame.

But they're giving the queen the ability to move like a knight! That's the lamest thing ever! They take a broken class, and make it EVEN MORE BROKEN? L4m3st rulz evar! Must be some kind of a thing to bring more women into the game, because the King is so central to the game.
 

That's nothing...

I bought a game on the advice of friends and colleagues that -- on the surface -- looked as though it would be a great minis game. It had a fancy wooden board with plenty of squares, so I knew that movement would be a major factor in the game.

But, when I opened the two boxes of minis, I was shocked to discover that they all were the same design! The only difference was that one box had black minis and the other box had white minis. And -- get this -- it was the lamest figure design I'd ever seen: small ovoid coins. No fancy paint job, no intricate body details or accoutrements. Just little coins.... At least there were a lot of them.

And no dice. None. Nada. Zip. Zilch. What kind of minis game comes with no dice? Where's the randomization? How do you decide initiative?

Afraid I had purchased a faulty or incomplete game, I turned to the booklet that came with the set. Whoever wrote this thing has no grasp of gaming. He kept referring to the minis as "stones." More shockingly, he seemed to think that you should place the minis -- er, stones -- on the line intersections instead of the squares on the board! :eek: What was he thinking??? Was there no QA or playtesting with focus groups? Surely he could have asked someone how other minis games are played!

Now comes the worst part of the game, in my opinion. You start the game with no forces at all! Apparently black always goes first. So, how do you decide who gets to be black? "The weaker player." Great... Now you're encouraging all kinds of stereotyping, teasing, and generally bad-sportsmanship just to figure out who goes first. To make the game even worse, if you really want to make the player of the black "stones" feel bad about his ability, you can let him have "handicap" pieces on the board before play. Talk about ruining someone's sense of self-worth.

So, you place "stones" one at a time, alternating between players. You can place them anywhere. That's right, folks. No "starting side." No "assembly area." Just plunk 'em down wherever you like.

I'm sure that by now, you're thinking, "Okay, that's bad, but how about movement and combat rules?" Well, you can't move. Ever. :confused: Once you've placed your fig on the board, it's stuck there. How do you attack your opponent. Surround him with "stones." Talk about ludicrous. At least when you kill a fig, you get to take it off the board.

There was one unique thing about the game. It had a lot to say about controlling territory. Apparently there's some kind of dominion rules with the game. I didn't see any more on it, so I'm guessing this guy thinks he can pawn off some kind of future expansion to further bilk the masses. My FLGS didn't have any idea what I was talking about when I asked them about it, and when they called their supplier they were told that what I got was it. Maybe the guy's already gone out of business. Wouldn't surprise me.

Weirdest thing of all -- and the thing that threw me off the most when I bought it -- is that this game is called "Go." Which is the one thing that never seems to happen. I set up a game with a friend the other day, and when we each had several "stones" on the board, we took turns screaming, "Go!" until we were red in the face from exhaustion. Nothing. We were thinking maybe there was some sort of vibrating mechanism in the board -- you know, like the old football tables -- that might turn on. But, nothing ever happened. The best we could figure is that, as you place "stones," you look at your opponent and say, "Go."

So, fair warning. Go is a big fat no-go in my book. I took it back and traded it for a more colorful game that I'm planning to examine today. It's called Pente, which I'm guessing means there's a lot of in-game intrigue about building home computers or something. I'm looking forward to it.
 

So, when did you figure out what he was doing? It actually took me until he said that the advantage always goes to the attacker. The 40 by 40 battle mat should've cued me off.
 

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