DnD while married/relationship - any advice

[MNblockhead]

Sorry for all the posts. One other thing for in person gaming in a home you share with others, you want to get a setup where you can enjoy the game without worrying about furniture and rugs and having to watch out for where people put drinks and food. For some people that means specially designed game tables and dedicated game spaces. I went the other direction.

I have a variety of heavy duty fold up conference, catering, and work tables in various sizes that allows me to use one or more modularly depending on the the activity (crafts, games, home-improvement projects). I also have commercial grade vinyl plank flooring in the lower level. I don't care where people put their drinks, don't worry about spilling anything on the floor, and people can leave their shoes on if they want to.

I think it is important that people are comfortable when gaming at my place, that I'm comfortable having even big groups over, and that my wife is comfortable that we aren't going to ruin anything nice.

 

[MNblockhead]

Years ago, I was in a relationship with a woman who did not get it and was jealous of the time I spent gaming. At one point she told me I had to choose between her and D&D... that did not go they way I bet she thought it would.

Yeah, unless it is negatively impacting your parenting or work, or you are truly neglecting and not spending time with your spouse, that's not a reasonable demand and a big red flag.

 

[delericho]

I have an understanding, but strictly non-gamer, wife. Being married made virtually no difference to my game-time - we always gave each other space, and it was fine.

Having kids, though, has basically been the death-knell to my gaming. I now basically have no free time, and even if I could carve out some for the actual game itself I would be missing out on the bits I most enjoy (crafting my own campaigns, settings, adventures).

 

[manduck]

My gaming group is getting older. I'm married with two kids now. A few others in the group are also married with kids. My wife and I respect each other's hobbies. She's not into table top gaming but she give me time to play. She'll watch the kids while I game. When she wants to do something with her friends, like her book club, I watch the kids in turn. My group plays twice a month, whatever two Saturdays we can get in. That way our schedule is flexible enough to accommodate whatever schedule hiccups come up. Even then, we don't all make two sessions a month all the time. That's totally fine. Flexibility is the key though. We also schedule so that our games are more afternoon into the night. That way a good chunk of our game time will be when our kids are in bed. That makes it easier for the parent watching the kids.

I also have a dedicated game room, so we don't take over the house if I host. In our group we take turns hosting so that we can all get a turn not having to drive. So we play in my finished basement when I host. We're out of the way. If something comes up where I may need to lend an extra hand with the kids but it won't take a lot of time, I'll ask to host. That way I can step away from the table to help out with the kids if I'm needed.

We also keep the door open for anyone having kids who needs to step away from the group for a while. Having a newborn in the house is a lot different than a toddler or older kids. So new parents or growing families often have to take a break for a while. Then when they're ready, the just rejoin the group.

I've been gaming this way for 6 years and had no issues. Communication, flexibility and time management all work wonders for keeping up a gaming hobby with a family.

 

[Umbran]

Marry someone who is a gamer or someone who can be converted.

Sure on the former. No on the latter: Do not enter into a long-term relationship that depends on the other person changing. If they don't work for you as they are now, do not make a commitment.

I met my wife when she joined a D&D group I was forming. We didn't start dating until about 5 years after that. So, no real problem keeping gaming in my life.

I GM for a group that's been meeting for.. 15 years or so now? One of my players met a woman, dated her for years, then got married and has had two kids, all while being part of the group. His gaming has always been a part of their relationship, so maintaining it hasn't been a big deal either.

And therein lies the "secret" - being open about what you do, and how much time it takes.

 

[Blue Orange]

None of my relationships hindered my hobbies in a significant way. The kid though, now that's eating up time like popcorn. Can't wait till he's big enough to roll dice.

"DAD! When are you going to stop with those dumb nerd hobbies and come out and teach me to play catch?"

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, but sometimes it falls further than we expect...

 

[aco175]

"DAD! When are you going to stop with those dumb nerd hobbies and come out and teach me to play catch?"

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, but sometimes it falls further than we expect...

My son ended up taking all my Magic cards and somehow they are part of his collection now. I mean, I have not played in 10+ years and he started to get into it with my brother and cousins some so it is not a big deal.

I'm entering that phase when your kids are grown up enough to not need you. I guess we will see how far away my son moves to determine if we still play together.

 

[Blue]

Couple of different directions.

First, when we got married we knew that we fell in love with each other as we were, not just who we would become as a spouse. So we each had one night a week for our own things. For me that was RPGs, my wife did bellydance. We made time for each other because we didn't want the other to give up what they enjoyed.

Second, I play and run in groups with lots of married couples. Including a few where one spouse is the GM. But we're all older (30s to 50s), and I haven't seen any favoritism or anything like that - if just works. The "worst" is that we usually are sized where we can play down one but not down two, but if a couple can't make it that's two and we're off, but if a single person can't make it that means they usually miss the session.

Third, I took a break when my kids were each born, several months. Yes, it interrupted the campaign I was running each time. No, I don't regret it. Babies are a lot of work, and I did everything I could in the evenings and overnight to let my wife get some sleep. She had to deal with everything during the day while I was at work. And when the babies started sleeping though the night and the hour-by-hour care settled down some, after talking to my wife I picked back up running one night and focused on the children the other six.

I right now have a long running Call of Cthulhu game on hiatus because one couple of the players had a baby, and we have a long running 5e campaign that we're rushing to complete because the DM and one of the players are expecting in April. They are also players in my game and I'm holding off starting my next campaign until probably June/July so they can join it.

Another game has a single father with his two young (<10) girls. They come in sometimes and wave to the camera, or need him for a few minutes. We're adults, we understand, and if giving him a 10 minute break in a session means we can keep gaming with our friend and give him some fun, that's more than worth it.

 

[Manbearcat]

1) Never cede an inch of territory. If you give an inch they take a mile. If you give a mile, they annex all territory.

2) Break up/divorce.

3) Live under oppressive authoritarianism with a legion of various sized jackboots always breathing down your neck.

4) Get a dog and be happy.

---

There is no option 5. Choose wisely.

 

[rickbm]

Marriage did not impact my game time. I played every other week. When I had a kid I took a 6 month break. Then we played a bit unregularly for about a year. During the pandemic I started playing online with my friends and went back to playing every other week. Then I had another kid and a 3 month break this time.

Now I play online for about 3 hours every 2 weeks. The advantage for me and my friends it that it saves us time traveling (two live out of town). I can do most set-up in advance, so it's all just play for 3 hours straight.

I do miss being together in the same room, but I'll take what I can get.

I think the key is clear communication of your wants and needs with your spouse (not just with planning game nights I suppose). On evenings where I play, I start play after my wife and I put the kids in bed. Then my wife takes care of them if they wake up or whatever (I do the same for her when she has Raid night in WoW).