DnD while married/relationship - any advice

[aramis erak]

How often do you guys meet up?
If your married with kids has that slowed down Your frequency in meeting up as usual?

Cover's some advice for husbands to prepare the house.

What have you guys encountered?
Any advice on making things as smooth as possible so game time happens?

Was only an issue due to performances and the birth of the kids, Wife is a gamer, kids both became gamers and GMs.

Edit to add the advice, since I was time crunched this morning.:

• If one of you GM's and the other plays, make certain that you don't give any specific preferential treatment to the spouse.
• If they don't game, to try to coerce them into it.
  • If they see the group having fun, they may join in anyway.
• If they have some hobby that also requires the home space, make certain they're not at the same time.
• Some weirdos don't want to play but do want to listen. if that's the SO, let them.
• Remember that, if gaming in shared home-space, even if the partner doesn't play, the partner should have a say in the lines and veils. And an X card.

And a bit of general use partner advice (approaching 27 years): after an argument, don't go to the same bed until it's resolved. Resolve it ASAP.

 

[The Soloist]

My wife played D&D with me from 2e to 5e. All went very well but a few years ago she decided she didn't want to play RPGs anymore. I'm hoping when she retires in two years that she will find time again. Maybe for a one-player + GM setup.

During 2e and 3e, we had a couple who got married, had two kids and then a few years later divorced. We stopped playing with both, not taking sides. The wife plays D&D with her kids and new husband. The ex-husband is still very immature and irresponsible. Don't want him at my table.

My advice:
1) Life will happen no matter what.
2) No gaming is better than bad gaming.

 

[The Soloist]

Years ago, I was in a relationship with a woman who did not get it and was jealous of the time I spent gaming. At one point she told me I had to choose between her and D&D... that did not go they way I bet she thought it would.

I had a girlfriend like that. Same result as you!

 

[Baron Opal II]

If your spouse doesn't game,

1. Have them understand the time commitment.
2. Give them space so they can engage in their own hobby with the same time commitment.
3. Clean up after yourselves so you don't impose.
4. Pay attention to them so they don't feel neglected. (Had to tell a couple friends this. Kind of surprised.)

If you have kids,

1. Pay attention to your kids. If they're interested, great! If not, put up the dice for a bit. Human training is more important.
2. Eventually, they will demand their space. This gives you time to pick up the dice again.

 

[Willie the Duck]

How often do you guys meet up?
If your married with kids has that slowed down Your frequency in meeting up as usual?
Cover's some advice for husbands to prepare the house.
What have you guys encountered?
Any advice on making things as smooth as possible so game time happens?

tl/dr: marriage and/or kids are just like all the other commitments that tend to accumulate as you get older; and the primary way to keep gaming going with competing commitments is to communicate, coordinate, and advocate for your preferences.

I am married. We do not have kids. My wife is not a gamer. She has her own hobbies (and we have shared hobbies as well). I've made clear that gaming is important to my mental health and happiness, and my wife respects that. It takes priority for me, so much as leisure activities do. I make sure I can game by making sure my commitments do not come due during the scheduled game time. This requires me to be very organized, to be very good at coordinating with my wife, and to have a 'do your chores first' mentality, so that come game time, I already have all the things that might come up done.

Honestly speaking (and for myself), I don't feel that the married-ness contributes to the challenges of gaming moreso than simply being more of an adult with adult responsibilities and commitments than I was at the age when I was single. I have a house, a car, retirement accounts, a job (that I certainly don't leave behind when I log off for the day), a TBI, compared to my 20s I have to work-out and cook real meals to stay healthy, and my parents are getting older and need my help. That's what tends to conflict with gaming. Sure, some weekends it is my wife's parents who need help, or the interfering activity is orchestra tickets we have together, but more often then not, no. If I miss gaming, it is because of stuff I would be doing as a middle aged single person as well.

The folks with kids... yeah, you do have to spend a lot of time taking care of their needs, and there's going to be a lot less 'fairness' arguments you can make about it. That's part of the commitment. It's not cut and dried though, and you can say that you need X things that are for you and if gaming is a high enough priority, well then it must take precedence 9 times out of 10. To do that, you need to set expectations, and negotiate for what you want, and you and your spouse need to be willing and able to coordinate and plan ahead. And you may need to agree that if they are responsible for minivan duties on Saturday afternoon, then maybe the Sunday morning that in your 20s you could have slept in with a hangover you are instead up making pancakes and making sure the short people of the house make it to their playdates.

 

[cranberry]

Spouses, children and job come first.

TTRPG's comes second.

 

[Queer Venger]

Spouses, children and job come first.

TTRPG's comes second.

That sounds boring.
You can have it all; if you have a supportive spouse, access to childcare, and have a good life-work-family balance.

I don't have kids, (and thank the gods do not ever plan to). I am married, my husband is a fellow nerd (Star Wars, Dr. Who) and has his own interests; I have seven players, 5 are married, (except for 2 who are single). One just had a baby (now 3 years old) and he makes time to attend my monthly Saturday D&D game, he has made it very clear to his very supportive spouse that D&D Saturday is sacred; she honors and respects that.

Admittedly this works for my group because we only meet once a month.

 

[cranberry]

That sounds boring.
You can have it all; if you have a supportive spouse, access to childcare, and have a good life-work-family balance.

I don't have kids, (and thank the gods do not ever plan to). I am married, my husband is a fellow nerd (Star Wars, Dr. Who) and has his own interests; I have seven players, 5 are married, (except for 2 who are single). One just had a baby (now 3 years old) and he makes time to attend my monthly Saturday D&D game, he has made it very clear to his very supportive spouse that D&D Saturday is sacred; she honors and respects that.

Admittedly this works for my group because we only meet once a month.

I didn't say you can't do both.

It's a matter of priorities, and making time for all things in your life.

But ultimately, IMO, family and job are more important than games.

 

[MNblockhead]

Spouses, children and job come first.

TTRPG's comes second.

Generally, yes. But if you take this too far, focusing only on two of the 3 legs of healthy relationships, things will get wobbly personally.

I feel it is very important to carve out time and attention for friends and hobbies. I think it makes you a better parent and spouse.

 

[MNblockhead]

A related discussion, which I find interesting, is how important it is for you that your significant other, whether married or now, to be a gamer.

My wife isn't into to gaming at all. Personally, it hasn't been an issue. She has her own interests that I don't share. I think it can be healthy for spouses to have friend groups, interests, and time that do not involve the other.

I also think that gaming is a hobby that makes it easy to enjoy if your spouse is not into it. We have friends that are a married couple who are really into dogs and dog shows. I think it would be much more difficult if only one of them had that interest. You can't just store away the dogs between shows.

But most hobbies, like gaming, sports, hunting, dancing, etc. are not that difficult to accommodate when spouses do not share an interest in them.