ENW Short Story Smackdown Summer 07 (Winner Announced)
Avatar_V
First Post
Thanks to the judges. I appreciate the feedback, and it is well taken. I suppose that isn't very normal police procedure - is it? 
Also, I'd like to tip my hat to FickleGM. I very much enjoyed your story. I know some of the judges didn't buy into the execution of the moral tale, but to even attempt it with 5 pictures impresses me and I thought it was well done given the circumstance. Also, as others have said, I think it would be a shame for the writing community to lose you. Perhaps without the time limit it will feel less like work.
Also, I'd like to tip my hat to FickleGM. I very much enjoyed your story. I know some of the judges didn't buy into the execution of the moral tale, but to even attempt it with 5 pictures impresses me and I thought it was well done given the circumstance. Also, as others have said, I think it would be a shame for the writing community to lose you. Perhaps without the time limit it will feel less like work.
Rodrigo Istalindir
Explorer
Judgement -- yangnome vs Trench
Rodrigo Istalindir
Trench
This is a superlative story. Inspired by the pictures, but not surpassing their literal nature. The central character is mesmerizing, and the trail of his descent into madness (or ascent into enlightenment) is artfully expressed. The writing is spare but effective, and the paragraph leading up to his epiphany is brilliant in its headlong rush. Aside from a couple typos, this is nearly perfect.
The only real weakness is that you don't get to know Noah until he's already on the slippery slope. A little more backstory, some interaction with his family before he starts to lose it, would flesh out the character and make his trip resonate more strongly.
Picture use was excellent. The Halloween picture is taken at face value, yet serves as an excellent introduction to Noah's thought process. What could have been a throw-away instead becomes and important scene. The segue to the taxidermy was very well done. The 'green head USB drive' was a little weak, but really only in comparison to the others.
yangnome
This story has an interesting premise, and the picture use is functional and straightforward. Unfortunately, it takes too long to get there, and it fails the 'show, don't tell' test for the first half or more. Far too much time is wasted on narrative establishing that Joshua is a self-absorbed jerk. A couple short scenes showing him acting like a jerk would have been better. The scene with the ersatz trick-or-treaters, for example, could have been a solid opening, establishing the shallow nature of Joshua and the influence of the fey at the same time.
The writing is solid, but it almost seems like two stories as the point of view shifts from the narrator to Joshua. A little mix-n-match to switch things up would have been welcome. Overall, though, it just feels flat.
Picture use is conventional. The 'intervention' with the animals should have been the big payoff, but the scene was somewhat perfunctory, rendering the picture use weaker than it should have been. Tying the girl in the doorway to the fairy was a good touch. Using the USB drive as a USB drive was a little too conventional, though.
Judgement for Trench.
maxfieldjadenfox
Noah's Lament
I LIKE this entry. There is a sweetness to it that appeals to me, and I like how odd it is. The poor, damaged, mathematician is a lovely protagonist. He is quirky enough to be intriguing, and I feel like you understand him very well. The picture use is pretty solid. The doggies set things up, the taxidermal party advances things and the green man ends them nicely. The first green man isn't really too important, and I think the use is pretty weak, but it does set us up for the last greenman image, so it at least works as a segue. The "mile high club" picture doesn't seem necessary to the story, although his response to her daughter and her boyfriend does offer us more insight into his character. Since the greenman shows up later, maybe there should have been a bigger reference to his repressed sexuality. Green men are earth spirits and the fact that he became one offered an opportunity for contrast that you didn't capitalize on as much as you could have. It's a minor complaint though, I think the last line is killer, and like I said, the story just plain makes me happy.
An Intervention
Wow, hugely different character. The narrative voice makes it feel like a parable or faerie tale, but there really isn't much of an arc to the story. It reminds me a bit of A Late Aubade, CarpeDavid's story last competition. Unfortunately, that story set the bar high. While the picture use her is decent, None of the photos stand out as being used spectacularly. Joshua is not a likeable character, and I am not at all convinced that he had any kind of transformation as a result of his "sit down". I would have liked to see that transformative force. Even his randy-ness could work with the greenman/pan myth, but you haven't connected it. I know you are not a fan of fantasy, Yangnome, and I am impressed that you got as far as you did with this story, but the war hammer and I are going to give this one to Trench. Crunch...
Herremann the Wise
Critique pending, but judgement for yangnome.
Trench advances to the finals, 2-1.
Rodrigo Istalindir
Trench
This is a superlative story. Inspired by the pictures, but not surpassing their literal nature. The central character is mesmerizing, and the trail of his descent into madness (or ascent into enlightenment) is artfully expressed. The writing is spare but effective, and the paragraph leading up to his epiphany is brilliant in its headlong rush. Aside from a couple typos, this is nearly perfect.
The only real weakness is that you don't get to know Noah until he's already on the slippery slope. A little more backstory, some interaction with his family before he starts to lose it, would flesh out the character and make his trip resonate more strongly.
Picture use was excellent. The Halloween picture is taken at face value, yet serves as an excellent introduction to Noah's thought process. What could have been a throw-away instead becomes and important scene. The segue to the taxidermy was very well done. The 'green head USB drive' was a little weak, but really only in comparison to the others.
yangnome
This story has an interesting premise, and the picture use is functional and straightforward. Unfortunately, it takes too long to get there, and it fails the 'show, don't tell' test for the first half or more. Far too much time is wasted on narrative establishing that Joshua is a self-absorbed jerk. A couple short scenes showing him acting like a jerk would have been better. The scene with the ersatz trick-or-treaters, for example, could have been a solid opening, establishing the shallow nature of Joshua and the influence of the fey at the same time.
The writing is solid, but it almost seems like two stories as the point of view shifts from the narrator to Joshua. A little mix-n-match to switch things up would have been welcome. Overall, though, it just feels flat.
Picture use is conventional. The 'intervention' with the animals should have been the big payoff, but the scene was somewhat perfunctory, rendering the picture use weaker than it should have been. Tying the girl in the doorway to the fairy was a good touch. Using the USB drive as a USB drive was a little too conventional, though.
Judgement for Trench.
maxfieldjadenfox
Noah's Lament
I LIKE this entry. There is a sweetness to it that appeals to me, and I like how odd it is. The poor, damaged, mathematician is a lovely protagonist. He is quirky enough to be intriguing, and I feel like you understand him very well. The picture use is pretty solid. The doggies set things up, the taxidermal party advances things and the green man ends them nicely. The first green man isn't really too important, and I think the use is pretty weak, but it does set us up for the last greenman image, so it at least works as a segue. The "mile high club" picture doesn't seem necessary to the story, although his response to her daughter and her boyfriend does offer us more insight into his character. Since the greenman shows up later, maybe there should have been a bigger reference to his repressed sexuality. Green men are earth spirits and the fact that he became one offered an opportunity for contrast that you didn't capitalize on as much as you could have. It's a minor complaint though, I think the last line is killer, and like I said, the story just plain makes me happy.
An Intervention
Wow, hugely different character. The narrative voice makes it feel like a parable or faerie tale, but there really isn't much of an arc to the story. It reminds me a bit of A Late Aubade, CarpeDavid's story last competition. Unfortunately, that story set the bar high. While the picture use her is decent, None of the photos stand out as being used spectacularly. Joshua is not a likeable character, and I am not at all convinced that he had any kind of transformation as a result of his "sit down". I would have liked to see that transformative force. Even his randy-ness could work with the greenman/pan myth, but you haven't connected it. I know you are not a fan of fantasy, Yangnome, and I am impressed that you got as far as you did with this story, but the war hammer and I are going to give this one to Trench. Crunch...
Herremann the Wise
Critique pending, but judgement for yangnome.
Trench advances to the finals, 2-1.
Rodrigo Istalindir
Explorer
When do our finalists want to start?
Also, I'll need more pictures from the judges. Six pictures in the finals, so two each, please., extra-diabolical.
Also, I'll need more pictures from the judges. Six pictures in the finals, so two each, please., extra-diabolical.
This week is fine for me, but I'll wait for Avatar. Sadly, I have no idea what the next week will bring as I don't have my schedule yet. I can wait this week out if need be. But I have to drive down to Southern Illinois next Wednesday and Thursday (19th and 20th), and there's no internet access down there at all- so I won't be able to post on those days.
So early next Sunday is fine, or starting on next Tuesday so I can spend those two dead days writing. I'm not going to have a lot to do (I have a court date, so I'm just waiting around till then. All for a missing auto insurance card which we had...), so I'd welcome the chance to do something besides sit and read.
But having said that, I can see how that may give me an unfair advantage in the finals. So feel free to disregard that. Just as long as we don't have to post anything on the 19th or 20th. We can even postpone it to next Friday if need be.
So early next Sunday is fine, or starting on next Tuesday so I can spend those two dead days writing. I'm not going to have a lot to do (I have a court date, so I'm just waiting around till then. All for a missing auto insurance card which we had...), so I'd welcome the chance to do something besides sit and read.
But having said that, I can see how that may give me an unfair advantage in the finals. So feel free to disregard that. Just as long as we don't have to post anything on the 19th or 20th. We can even postpone it to next Friday if need be.
maxfieldjadenfox
First Post
Congrats to Trench and Avatar V... Get ready for extra diabolical!
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