Need help creating a stand up comedy routine in a fantasy setting

[solamon77]

Hi guys!

I'm a DM who is currently running a Pathfinder / 3.5 RPG (set in the Forgotten Realms however) and my party's getting ready to enter Waterdeep.

I thought it might be fun if one of the taverns had a bard delivering a stand up comedy routine and I need help coming up with some world appropriate jokes. I'm really struggling with this. Can anyone help?

 

[Mad_Jack]

An elf, a dwarf and a human walk into a bar. The Halfling walked under it.

Punchline: "The unicorn does have a point, y'know..." "Yes, and it's on the end of his horn."

 

[Henry]

Bard 1: So, there's this adventuring party, which formed up ranks to face off against the foul orc horde, and in the front, they put their mightiest Champion, Hu..
Bard 2: Hu?
Bard 1: Exactly.
Bard 2: What?
Bard 1: no, Watt was on the left flank, casting lightning bolts.
Bard 2: i cant tell who was on the left flank!
Bard 1: No, dummy, Hu was in front!
bard 2: I DON'T KNOW!
Bard 1: no, she was in back, invisble!
Bard 2: Who?
bard 1: no, Ida Nau! Would you listen?

 

[Henry]

My new boyfriend, i'm thinking of dumping him... he's so arrogant, it's like i don't exist... plus I caight him looking at another woman walking behind us, last night... to be fair, he's a beholder, so...

What's the difference between a paladin and a goblin?
The goblin doesn't pee on people and talk at the same time...

(Talking to a heckler) are you a wizard, or do you not have a good reason for smelling like bat guano?

Ghoul walks into a restaurant, and the waiter says, "get out! We don't serve your kind here!"
Ghoul says, "that's OK -- is the human fresh, though?"
(Stolen from fallout 4)

"Roper? I hardly knew her!"

 

[MarkB]

Q: How many gargoyles does it take to light a torch?

A: Two - one to hold the tinderbox, and the other to rub his face on it.

 

[solamon77]

Nice! I can see the scene taking shape now! Here's a joke I found online recently:

What did the dragon say when a paladin grabbed him by his tail!
Ahhh! This is the end of me!

 

[solamon77]

Here's a little Snow White routine I just wrote (which may or may not work depending up whether or not you assume fairy tales exist in your world):

So, I don't know if you folks keep up on recent developments, but a survey just found out that six out of seven dwarves ain't Happy!
ZING!!! A little Snow White humor for you there folks...
But seriously folks, I love Snow White! But then, so do plenty others! Afterall, she's living with seven other guys!
Snow White? More like Ho White!
I can see her now sitting on Pinocchio's face:
Lie to Pinocchio! Lie to me!
HOO-RAH!
Hey, that reminds me, what's pink and has seven dents?
Snow White's cherry!
Get it! Snow White's cherry!?
...
Tough crowd tonight...

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

"Take my knife...PLEASE!"

"Did you hear about the Necromancer King who created an army of mummies to build his stronghold? It was a pyramid scheme."

"I hate disembodied spirits...they're SO possessive."

 

[Dioltach]

"Did you hear about the Necromancer King who created an army of mummies to build his stronghold? It was a pyramid scheme."

To build his tomb, surely?

 

[Hand of Evil]

Make the Bard a Mime - can't get out of a box, pulling a rope, going down stairs, juggling objects, playing an air guitar (sound FX behind the curtain) , etc...

Bard doing bird calls, ka-caa ka-caa...

Jokes: any one liner can be converted to work in a fantasy scene, just look them up.
- Why do orcs have big nostrils...ever see their fingers.
- How do you find a kobold's hole...lift it's tail.
- What's better than a dead goblin...two dead goblins.
- Why was the miller afraid of his wife...she was a hag.