The Stigma of D&D OR Help! I'm Stuck in the D&D Closet?

[MDSnowman]

Around my area, I have one analogy that puts all others to shame: NASCAR.

In South Carolina, if I know people who drive 300 miles for a weekend race, know the win-loss records of every driver in the sport, and decorate their house like a shrine to Dale Earnhardt, then I can damn well have my D&D material and feel proud about it. The only people at work who EVER ribbed me about it were two of my superiors, and after I reminded them the lengths they go to for NASCAR season, it's not registered on the radar since.

My father is one of those people... though he refuses to call it a shrine... he perfers the term "tribute". As long as he keeps it in the garage with a garbage bag over it he can call it whatever he likes...

As for my own experiences in geekdom...

I used to be very very tenative about letting anyone know. Especially my senior year of high school. I shaved my ratty muschae started to dress in colors aside from black, essentially tried to fit in. If anyone knew that I loved to RP I would have been mortified.

This carried over to my Freshman year of college as well... and inevitablly lead to a weird situation or two (On a personal note you should know... beautiful women think Cthulhu plushes are neither cute nor funny). Afterward I grew a bit as a person and since then I've come to grips with my geekdom... I freely admit I'm a geek. I own lots of Anime, I've got Manga, I've got Daredevil Trade Paper Backs, I love D&D, Playstation 2, and I've been writing a Mutants and Masterminds superlink book... I am a geek... and you know what... I'm damn proud of it.

As for women I've also realized that I have more success with women who accept who I am and are willing to indulge in it a bit too. It's a lot more emotionally fufilling than having to hide all the things I love to do from a woman for fear of scaring her off.

 

[buzz]

Might the simplest answer to this be:

a) Don't be ashamed of being a gamer, no matter how you were treated in school (as everyone gets treated badly in school at some point), or what the uninformed public thinks

2) Be open about being a gamer to the limit of your comfort level, but feel free to use discretion.

The point of 2 is that we can't deny that gaming has a certain stigma attached to it, even if it's a stigma we should be working to eliminate, and thus its okay if you don't want to advertise your being a gamer to everyone you meet, 24-7.

I mean, I freaking love Tenacious D. OTOH, I'm not going to quote their tunes and skits around my grandmother, as I know for a fact she'll probably find them offensive. This doesn't mean I'm going to make it a secret that I'm a fan of the 'D. I just know when it's appropriate.

 

[jamieraleigh]

I've never been called a "heathen" for playing D&D. This is coming from a person who has been a true Christian for eight years. In fact, the group that I play with are all members of my Sunday School class and includes . . . *GASP* . . . TWO WOMEN!!! My wife is a gamer, introduced to the hobby by me. Let me tell you, there is something special about having one's wife purchase him D&D books for his birthday and Christmas.

Jeff Davis
www.jeffreyadavis.tk
www.inspiredbyfaith.tk

 

[Chupacabra]

Although I am not an 100% out of the closet I'm-loud-and-I'm-proud shout it from the rooftops D&D'er to society at large, all my peers at work (I am an Assistant District Attorney (prosecutor)) know that I am quite the gamer. They know I own a bunch of computer/console gaming platforms: because I self-depreciatingly joke about them all of the time. They know I frequent comic-book stores: because I self-depreciatingly joke about them all of the time. They know that I get together every Wednesday night with a bunch of non-work folks, hang out, drink a few beers, and play something (usually D%D). They know this because again, I joke about it alot. At the end of a long hard day, especially after a big trial, I am not shy about say that I am going home to either "Kill Nazis" (play computer games) or "Kill Orcs" (play D&D).

I get my share of flak for my D&D playing from my peers, but it seems that every one of us has some odd hobby or quirk that we freely embrace and freely take a good-natured ribbing for. My collection of work friends include gun nuts, guitar nuts, biking nuts, baseball nuts, karaoke nuts, etc. We are all, in our own special twisted ways, nerd or fanatics about something that the rest of society at large may see as a bit dodgy, childish, or strange. We all take sh*t for our obsessive hobbies, but we all dish it right back out. None of us are socially maladjusted. All of us bathe regularly. All of us are married with spouses that either share in / are supportive of / are casually indifferent to our obsessive hobbies. All of us joke about how we obsess about our own particular "thing".

And you know what, every time I have a question about guns, or sports, or music, I go to one of those fanatics and we have a decent conversation about their particular area of expertise. They do not try to convert me or wierd me out by talking strange jargon. Same goes for me: I am not trying to convert everyone I meet into a gamer nor do I go around loudly extoling the virtues of D&D, with a twelve-sider rattling thru my fingers. If they have a question about computers, or videogames, etc., I'm the office go-to guy for that. I'm the guy everyone pesters about what game (video, computer, or board) to get their brother / cousin / nephew for Christmas or a birthday.

Just about all these guys played D&D at some time or another in their lives, and a few were much more into it than I ever was growing up (I never, for example, founded a D&D club in High School, like one of my work buddies did: I actually wanted to get laid in High School). No, I wouldn't say that I'm proud that I'm a 34 year old D&D'er - still playing a game I picked up at age 10. But I'm certainly not ashamed of it either. Its a hobby, nothing more, nothing less. Not a way of life, not a religion, simply a pasttime. I derive pride from my family, my work, etc.

There is a big, big middle ground between an "in the closet D&D'er" and the dude with the Frazetta posters all over his cubicle wearing the t-shirt that says "Wizards do it by the Book". Find that middle ground, and embrace it.

 

[Sir Elton]

What to say when the guy who has many D&D books is 42 years old!!

It's probably why no women ever come home!

A girl I know thought I was supercool for writing for D&D. She's in New York State, now.

 

[barsoomcore]

I get my share of flak for my D&D playing from my peers, but it seems that every one of us has some odd hobby or quirk that we freely embrace and freely take a good-natured ribbing for.

Exactly. And I bet in your office there's a person or two who seems to have NO hobbies or quirks whatsoever. And I bet nobody likes them.

...the dude with the Frazetta posters all over his cubicle...

My wife's favourite t-shirt is this Frazetta poster that she had made into a custom transfer. Nobody thinks she isn't awesomely cool, I can tell you.

 

[Hypersmurf]

... you just can't shatter your ankle rolling dice.

You're just not taking your dice-rolling to the extreme!, obviously.

-Hyp.

 

[mossfoot]

My own experience has been, that I'm a proud gamer, and don't hide the fact. Though I don't carry my dice bag on my belt like the characters in KODT

However, I had a group of five (count em! FIVE!) girls back in B.C., and they definately are closet gamers. They loved the game, and are still gaming with me online, but they would never EVER admit it to anyone (one of the gals is a professional singer and an editor, the other works in administration, but does some side work as an extra on TV).

And no, as much as it sounds like it, this is not in my imagination My GF

Is also a gamer (and just happens to look like Sara)

She'll admit she's a gamer, but she's a geek too

 

[GoodKingJayIII]

Baron, I'm struggling with your problem... but only to a point. My best friend and my all-time favorite DM is 24 years old. He's very charismatic. Funny kid, intelligent, witty, friendly, and genuine. He plays DnD, and doesn't go out of his way to hide it. And people like him anyway.

I'm nowhere near as charismatic as my friend, but I'm no social wasteland either. I know how to communicate with people, and make friends. And I've found that, basically, people are either looking for a genuine person, or they're not. And I don't really care about the other people; I want genuine friends, and I want my friends to know I'm genuine.

If you love this game, it's a part of who you are. You're not just hiding books. You're hiding yourself. I know it sounds meladramatic, but I'm serious. That's not something you should do.

 

[Umbra]

Which way do you prefer to explain this passion to your friends.

I explain that the game is like an improvised radio play with rules and dice rolls to determine if a particular action is successful. A let's pretend without the "I shot you" "I ducked" arguments.

As to the coming out process, you need to trust that you can cope with the other person's reaction, even if it is unreasonable (at first?). As a gay man, I didn't come out till I reached that point where I knew I could deal with it. Much too my surprise, I had no bad reactions, I lost no friends and although I had some uncomfortable reactions, they eased over time as they realised I was still a gorgeous...(cough)... I mean normal guy and still their friend.

Perhaps start with "I play an RPG", explain what it is and let them find out its DnD later in the conversation/another time.