Winter Ceramic DM™: THE WINNER!

[Berandor]

My comments in spoiler tags, so as not to influence judges.

Spoiler

So Piratecat straikes again with a great story about the quintessential quest for youth. In but a few hundred words, he brings to life a whole world, complete with technological level and a law-enforcement agency that knows all the tricks (having used them themselves at one time or the other).
A very good tale, in my opinion superior to a lot of possible competition. It almost seems as if the reigning CDM does it again.

So I open Sialia's file - 27 pages! Am I really gonna read that? And isn't it too long for the contest? Honestly, who can write 27 pages in three days and make in worthwile throughout?
Remembering the comment that contestants have tried before (and failed) to string a continuous yarn throughout the contest rounds, I read on.

From a purely rational point of view, I feel the "End of the World" is too long. The village is fine, and it rounds out the story, but I somehow feel entries in the contest should be written tighter.
But emotionally, it gripped me again, and in no small part because it takes its time, allowing for a deeper experience. Volpe singing to Lillabo's sacrifice - magnificient.

Is the immensely satisfying ending of Sialia's story enough to beat Piratecat? I don't know, but in my opinion, it's a closer 2-1 win.

 

[Piratecat]

Berandor, thank you for analysis! The more constructive criticism the better, I think; feel free to "spoiler" it until judging is done, but I know I can't improve unless people tell me what they don't like about things I write.

Interesting confession: what you just read wasn't my original story.

My original story - the one I worked on for two and a half days before making the hard call - was a horror tale called "Keepsakes and Souvenirs" that was hoping to be halfway in tone between Lovecraft and Steven King. It was about a little kid who has to go live with his grandmother, and finds out the hard way that she's a serial killer who worships dark powers and grows insanities like secret fruit. It was meant to be tragic. It had some interesting picture use: one doll head for every person she'd devoured, the "grip" photo as they fought rigor mortus while laying the dead mother's hands against her chest, the frost photo as the boy lay on the cold ground and listened to his shallow grave being dug nearby.

I couldn't get it to work, though. I was having trouble keeping to an 11 year old voice, and it would have taken me too long to write before I could get the effect I was aiming for. Last night at dinnertime I finally bit the bullet and started over with my actual entry, writing it in about five hours. The heaving breasts got discarded in the change, although I tried to allude to a throbbing member just on general principle.

Doing this taught me a tremendous amount - mainly that I need more practice writing! But it also showed me that I'm a faster writer when I'm having fun with the story itself. When I'm having fun, the words begin to leap out of me like a greased salmon from a clumsy bear. In comparison, I was trying to drag "Keepsakes" out of me with a tractor pull, and it was painful and not very satisfying. Switching gears was just what I needed.

I'll wait to discuss the qualitative aspects of Sialia's and my stories until after the judging. Lets just say that I'm stealing the mindflayer amalgam for a D&D game.

 

[Piratecat]

Not that I'm anxious or anything, but I thought I'd bump this for the convenience of judges.

 

[Zhaneel]

Not that I'm anxious or anything, but I thought I'd bump this for the convenience of judges.

Nice of you. So thoughtful.

Zhaneel

*bump*

 

[Berandor]

Well, I'm consciously avoiding detailed analysis because this is a message board game, and no real literary circle. As I'm not one of the judges, I don't think I need to be harsh on anyone, so I stay mostly general as not to offend. I know from personal experience that sometimes criticism just hits you the wrong way.

So don't read on if you're not serious

Spoiler

So... honestly I wasn't too impressed by PCats story. It's still good, but it seemed kind of "phoned in". I got the feeling that I'd read the story before. The indirect defeat of the villain (using his machine against him) was also not very surprising.
As I said, the world your story is set is immediately imaginable. The reader feels at home in the world, and the story - but that's partlly because it doesn't really cover new ground.
I also got the impression the story moves too fast. Where does the name of the female doctor come from? How do they know she's been invited? Do they regularly keep files on their employer's actions?
So the agent takes weapons with her that can't be detected. If they can't be detected, and the weapons are sponsored by the very person she's working against now, how come the guards don't know about these weapons and look for them? I would have expected her to go unarmed, confident to find weaponry in the estate or with using her "Unarmed Strike" feat.
Kane also does the classic Bond-mistake: Capturing the spy, telling all his plans, then leaving her alone in a fool-proof death trap. (not really alone, but a 100+ year old man? Come on) And a window in a freezing chamber... when I read about the freezing chamber and how Isabelle was going to freeze, I already knew she was going to break a window to escape. As I said, no surprises, and that kind of hurt the tension.
I half expected the Lazarus device to work differently, for example tranferring Kanes mind into a younger body, or into machinery, but alas, it didn't. The backwards transformation (teeth forming anew, etc.) was a cool touch, though. In the end, I waited for Kane's reappearance as a child
I also didn't really get why all the doctors worked for him. Simply money? Coercion? Did they know they were working with stolen technology? That's like the "poor workers on the unfinished Death Star" discussion from Clerks, but I wondered. To be exact, I wondered during Kane's "amazing" monologue, as he proclaims he's now gonna beat Isabelle to death, expecting one of the doctors to come to her rescue (pulling the switch, maybe?).
In the end, I felt it was a competent, but not a very ground-breaking story, nor an especially brilliant one. But still much better than the second one, which almost fully fell flat for me (the humour just didn't click)
Your story is a safe choice, but still a good one. I just wished you'd posted the other story, even if it would have been flawed. But playing to win has its advantages, as well. Good luck!

 

[Sialia]

Well, I'm consciously avoiding detailed analysis because this is a message board game, and no real literary circle. As I'm not one of the judges, I don't think I need to be harsh on anyone, so I stay mostly general as not to offend. I know from personal experience that sometimes criticism just hits you the wrong way.

On the other hand, I think both Piratecat and I put ourselves through this ordeal because we both want to grow as writers.
So, what they hey, if you've got comments about mine, lay it on me.

I've already put the stark naked thing out there, and everybody is already feeling whatever they feel about it. Letting me know what effect it had is just making me aware of reality, not changing it.

Thanks in advance!

 

[Zhaneel]

Okay, so I'm afraid I'm going to forget. And I figured out how to use the spoiler tags, so I'm going to go ahead and post.

PirateCat's Story

Spoiler

I really liked this story. I thought it was well written and involving. While Berandor is right that it is somewhat predictable, I find that anything written in less than week tends to be on the predictable side. It isn't until 2nd or 3rd drafts that the surprises and the unique stuff comes in. I thought the main character was very interesting, and I started to suspect she wasn't who she was being presented as early on. Though I thought she was working for the "bad" side [the comment about the confession not being good enough]. The villian is a stock villan, and needs to flushed out. I'm with Berandor that if you want to work on this story more you'll need to establish why the doctors are working for him and to try to avoid the Bond Villian syndrome. But overall, I really liked the story.

Sialia's Story

Spoiler

I've enjoyed all three of Sialia's stories. However, I don't think this one was a strong as the second, though I think it was more interesting than the first. My main beef with this story is Mirabelle's character. The transition from her trying to beat up Miguel for touching her to hitting on Professor Volpe was too sudden and quick for me. Especially in context of this story alone, though it is a little bit more reasonable in the context of all three stories together. But mythago stated that each story must stand alone, so I'm inclined to give this more weight than I would if all three stories were told as one. I think there needs to be something more than drink to give us the impression that Mirabelle would go after Volpe. I know part of that probably springs from Tarby's (sp) death, as death makes people want to procreate, but it still wasn't enough for me. Much of the story was focussing on being in Lillabro's head for the dreams, but the story was about Volpe & Mirabelle, so I think POV needs to be tightened. The emotional loss of Lillabro was blunted because of Tarby's death so close already. I just couldn't work up the emotional reserves to care that she was sacrificing herself. *shrug* It just didn't work for me, personally.

Zhaneel

 

[Maldur]

I mailed my judgement.

Again hard.

 

[Sialia]

Sialia's Story

Zhaneel

All very fair comments. I had a whole lot less time to work on this one, and was worried about some of the same things.

After the judging is in, I will hold forth with my lengthy justification for some of these decisions. Which won't alter the fact that certian things, even if justifiable outside of the story, weren't well contained within the story. that's the author's work, not the reader's.

If and when I do a revision, I'll be sure to bring in any data that I think might be mitigating.

Thanks for your comments.

P.S.

Spoiler

Can't say I wept a whole lot for Lillabo either. Bandeeto and I both came rapidly to the conclusion that karmically, she was for the chop. Really, if there was anything awful about her death, it would have been how the other characters felt about it. You'll note that I didn't switch over to Mirabelle's point of view during the death scene. Every time I asked myself what Mirabelle was doing as Lillabo went down, I got answers like "The Macarena" and "Celebratory shots of Tequila." So we stuck with Volpe, who did, in fact, feel pretty bad about it.

 

[Berandor]

I'm stuck with a review at the moment, but will take on Sialia tomorrow. Promise.

Oh, err, her story, that is.