Mamacat's helpful hints for gaming with couples with or without kids

[Mamacat]

Let me clarify something - the 'bad' things I posted about (except being called a bad mother) do not currently happen in our group, and most of them are things I've read happened, not had them happen to me. We have a really good group atm, who are very baby friendly, and whom my daughter loves.

And the group where I was called a bad mother? We never went back, and I don't talk to that guy anymore, nor his partner.

 

[Mamacat]

How do I convert my girlfriend to gaming? Before we have kids?

Invite her to play, of course! And don't pressure her.

 

[Mamacat]

Great advice. As a parent, husband, and gamer I agree to all of that.

One other thing, try to be respectful of the parents and keep the language at least PG rated when the kids are around.

Too true - When my daughter was an infant, I informed our group at the time that if her first word was $#*&, they were in trouble.

 

[Goddess FallenAngel]

1. Big one here, and a pet peeve of mine - if you need to apologize, do so to the person you need to, NOT their partner. Apologizing to my husband after fighting with me just leaves me more pissed. If you're big enough to apologize, do it to the right person.

This is one of the biggest pet peeves of mine.

My fiancé and I are in the same game together (we've been gaming together for close to a decade, and in multiple groups, actually), and there have been times where, after an argument or disagreement, the other party will say, "Hey, can you tell J I'm sorry?" or, they'll try to 'explain' their point of view to me, instead of to him - totally useless, considering at least in that instance I had nothing to do with the disagreement.

I have no problem with people coming to me and saying "Hey, I want to apologize to J, but I'm not sure how, can you give me some advice?" or something along those lines. But... me != my fiancé.

Of course, I can be a bit of a b****. My response to "Hey, can you tell J I'm sorry?", was to say "No." and walk away. ;D

 

[Zinovia]

Also, people without children are not necessarily 100% naive, and it's fairly silly and very arrogant to blow off their advice completely. While they have not lost sleep for years at a time like you have, and they haven't experienced the love a parent has for a child firsthand, they may have worked at a day care, read something you haven't... or more poignantly, they may be watching you screw up in a way you aren't willing to admit.

Of course, if they're continually giving you unsolicited advice that is crap, telling them to stuff it is key!

Of course they aren't all totally naive, but many of them are. I suppose the main point here is that people are very sensitive to criticism of their parenting ability. It's a learning process, and everyone is worried that they aren't doing it right. So any kind of negative comment about someone's parenting is likely to get their back up a bit, even if it is well-intentioned. Above all, do not tell someone that you think they are a bad parent, even if you feel that way. It's incredibly rude. If the kids are endangered in some way, call the officials and report it. Otherwise, bite your tongue and follow the golden rule.

Suggestions that make sense such as "Why don't you buy your baby some fuzzy dice to play with while we game?" are fine, because they are positive, not negative. Saying "You shouldn't give her juice all the time like that. It will rot her teeth," are kind of irritating, however much you may have read about that. It's *sleeping* with a baby bottle full of juice that is usually the problem btw. You may feel I'm screwing up, and I may disagree, but in either case, bringing it up is not conducive to a good gaming session.

One of my good friends doesn't have children, but was a nanny for a couple of boys for most of their lives. She knows how to raise kids, and has done so. I'd listen to her advice, but she never has been the kind to push her opinions on others unless asked.

 

[mlund]

Important points to keep in mind:
- Not everyone is capable of balancing gaming and family at the same time.
- No one is automatically entitled to half-ass both at the same time and have everyone else grin and bear it.

If your friends aren't having fun anymore because you had to go and drag your S.O. or children into their game time, seriously consider that it may be time to find a different table or just hang up the dice bag and pay more attention to the spouse and kids. They aren't bad friends or bad people because they aren't moving heaven and earth to make your social life ideal. Don't try to force square pegs into round holes.

Family is about sacrifices and compromises that go beyond the reasonable expectations of simple friendships.

- Marty Lund

 

[Mamacat]

Important points to keep in mind:
- Not everyone is capable of balancing gaming and family at the same time.
- No one is automatically entitled to half-ass both at the same time and have everyone else grin and bear it.

If your friends aren't having fun anymore because you had to go and drag your S.O. or children into their game time, seriously consider that it may be time to find a different table or just hang up the dice bag and pay more attention to the spouse and kids. They aren't bad friends or bad people because they aren't moving heaven and earth to make your social life ideal. Don't try to force square pegs into round holes.

Family is about sacrifices and compromises that go beyond the reasonable expectations of simple friendships.

- Marty Lund

Yes, I have to agree with this. When it stops being fun, it's time to find a new group or take a break. Better for everyone involved. It's what me and my husband did. Another point - It might not be able for parents to both play at the same time for a while, one may have to stay at home with the baby while the other games.

 

[fba827]

How do I convert my girlfriend to gaming? Before we have kids?

Withhold _ _ _ until she agrees to play.

Hey, it will either get her to play or it will take care of that "before we have kids" clause of yours.


But back on topic -- nice stuff for people to keep in mind, on both ends of the parent/nonparent side.

 

[mmu1]

Honestly, the number one point I get out of this whole thing is:

"Don't play with people who try to mix children and D&D"

I mean, I game with some people who are married, a couple of them have kids... and none of them would dream of bringing a kid to a game. Or invite others to play at their place if they knew the kids were going to be enough of a distraction that it'd lead to a tenth of the problems hinted at in the OP.

I'm perfectly happy to go out of my way to accomodate people with kids so that they can play - change the schedule, change the location, play less often, play shorter sessions... whatever. If they need to take time off, their spot will be waiting for them.

But if we do decide to play, I don't wanna be constantly bothered by cats, dogs, children, significant others... whatever. Keep 'em away from me.

 

[Fifth Element]

Honestly, the number one point I get out of this whole thing is:

"Don't play with people who try to mix children and D&D"

...

But if we do decide to play, I don't wanna be constantly bothered by cats, dogs, children, significant others... whatever. Keep 'em away from me.

Your loss, I guess. In the campaign I DM, we play at my place. We have a babysitter for the kids (6 and 3) about half the time. The other half, they're around when the game is on.

The little one enjoys sitting on my lap and rolling the dice for me. He gets a devilish little look in his eyes when I tell him it's a good roll. Definite future gamer there (which is a good reason not to keep him away from the game!) The older one is more shy, and tends to watch a movie or read or whatever until we're done. Most in the group are parents so they understand, and enjoy it.

Like the OP said, the kids always some first. So if the choice is gaming with your friends while their kids are around, or not gaming with those friends at all, it's a pretty simple decision.