How would your group handle this somewhat delicate situation with a player?

[Cadfan]

What does she disagree with? A gamer's wife's opinion in this would probably be helpful.

She disagrees with me, remember. Not with you. I'm the only person in this thread who thinks you may be the problem.

My wife is the neurotic type who NEEDS a fixed date for her planner. The idea of scheduling a game for "next week when I'm free, I'll let you know when I see my wife's work schedule" would drive her insane. So she sympathizes with you guys. She sees the need for a date certain for gaming as a genuine need.

In contrast, I do not acknowledge that you have actually been harmed or inconvenienced in any way...

A week or less before the big day this year, we started the get rumblings that all was not well in Camelot. We started hearing he might have something to do with relatives. That turned into family is visiting and we may have to start later. That turned into "I can play all day, I just might have to take off for 2 hours in the middle of it" (we figure no biggie, we'll use that time to eat turkey day leftovers and watch a D&D day appropriate movie). What ultimately ended up happening was us starting at like 11 am and ending at 4 pm.

What a waste of a great potential day. For that, I would have not taken off from work and saved a vacation day. That pretty much sealed the deal for us that he was the wussy in the relationship.

...except by this. He should have been clear up front about what he was willing to do that day. I don't think you have any right to complain about him spending the day after Thanksgiving with his family- that's what its for in our culture. But you do have a grievance because of his inability to be clear up front. That wasn't fair of him.

 

[austenjonesufg]

Hey! just Chill out guys, it's just a game nothing more. It happens sometime when someone is married, it doesn't mean that you start blaming the wife, they are young enough. Even three of you can play and if something works out with that guy well and good and if not you can probably start looking for a new player.

 

[WayneLigon]

I don't think you have any right to complain about him spending the day after Thanksgiving with his family- that's what its for in our culture.

Never heard that one. The day of Thanksgiving is the big family day. The day after has no significance except for shopping. And even if it is? There was apparently plenty of time to make alternate plans. Unless Great Uncle John is making some kind of out-of-the-way pilgrimage to the family abode especially to be with them, the traditional already-planned event should take precedence.

 

[joethelawyer]

Never heard that one. The day of Thanksgiving is the big family day. The day after has no significance except for shopping. And even if it is? There was apparently plenty of time to make alternate plans. Unless Great Uncle John is making some kind of out-of-the-way pilgrimage to the family abode especially to be with them, the traditional already-planned event should take precedence.

We had it planed for a year. He knew it. In fact, assuming we are all alive and still playing, the next 50 yrs are planned as well. There is no real good excuse for the day after thanksgiving disaster.

 

[justanobody]

Especially when it costs people money because someone flakes out at the last minute.

 

[jdrakeh]

Never heard that one. The day of Thanksgiving is the big family day. The day after has no significance except for shopping.

You must not have relatives fly or drive in from other places, then. People who do have an influx of relatives from out of town (or out of state) at the holidays typically set aside blocks of several days for them, IME.

I suppose there are those people who invite relatives from far away to visit for Thanksgiving and then tell them to get the hell out the day after, but I think they're probably in the minority.

That said, it does seem like a brilliant way to clear the calendar for "the next 50 years" — I mean, if you handle family holidays like that, chances are that not too many relatives will show up at your house in the future

 

[justanobody]

Must be something for rich people with houses with plenty of bedrooms. Otherwise that is what hotels are for. Family members visit during the day and go somewhere else at night, just like an amusement park. There be closing hours.

I can see it now otherwise.

Gram I know you have a bad hip, but the only place there is enough room for your oxygen tent is on the floor in the living room so you have to sleep there....so make sure you go before you lay down.

 

[Hella_Tellah]

....He throws his stats at every situation. no RP whatsoever. not much input into decision-making.

Why is this guy dictating your gaming schedule? He sounds like a warm body drawing in air, not an engaged player. I say, meet when you, the bro, and the buddy of 15 years can get together. Sir Flakeoutalot, Destroyer of Schedules, can show up when he shows up, or not at all.

Maybe look for another player or two as well. My gaming groups are most successful when I hope for 4 players, recruit 6 players, and plan for 3-6 to show up each week.

 

[Jack99]

Tell the guy to divorce the overbearing control freak wife before they end up having kids that she ruins their lives as well, and have him reclaim any money he spent on her nursing school.

This has little to do to help your game, but will help him in the long run, and with his free time his own, rather than him being her property he will probably be happier. As a side bonus he gets to join in the D&D games when he has time.

A girl and I once had a conversation like this:

Girl: When we start living together you are going to start doing this this and that, and we will start doing this and that and the other.

Me: Good thing we will never start living together than, eh?

I don't mind working WITH people, but NEVER tell me what I am going to do. I don't think women belong in the kitchen barefoot and pregnant, but with their equal rights means equal, not they got to decide everything. Any partnership means equality, not one controlling the other, and only I control my life!

So yeah, thankfully very much single and without the burden of some psycho like it seems your college buddy has.

Thanks. Now I get it. Makes perfect sense.

To the OP: Some men are so P-whipped that there isn't much to do about it. My guess is that you will have to work with the wife's schedule if you want him to attend every game, meaning that you won't be able to have a fixed night. Now, I do not know how it works in the States, but over here, nurses are required to have their schedule at least 8 weeks in advance. Meaning, you might not have to plan every week, but instead you can plan in chunks of 1-2 months at the time.

Either way, good luck, you might need it

 

[FreeTheSlaves]

From my experience I know where my priorities lie - wife & family. If the baby's unsettled or something comes up, I'll cancel.

On the other hand, I let my fellow players know the situation and ensure another campaign is being played (on alternate weekends) which can be run instead, and we've enough players to handle my absence.

Sounds like the player in question hasn't quite figured out that he would have been best to spell out his priorities, but regardless, his actions have done so. The OP just now needs to take this reality into account, i.e. treat him as a guest player, and if the group's short, advertise.