How would your group handle this somewhat delicate situation with a player?

[justanobody]

There must be some space in a couple. She has to concede him a game night and he has to trade something in return.

Otherwise their marriage is going in the wrong direction.

Exactly. She demands he be at home when she is now that she is no longer in nursing school? What gives?

It is a give and take relations ship.

Not he gives and she takes, or even she gives and he takes; but both give at times.

It seems like she gives him hell and he just sits there and takes it.

 

[Vyvyan Basterd]

Alot of bad assumptions being made here.

Another possibility here is that Problem Guy isn't all that interested in playing. He sounds very unengaged with the game based on the OPs statements. Maybe he discovered that RPGs just aren't his thing. Maybe he does like D&D but he discovered that he isn't as invested in rules mastery as the other players, based on the comments that it took two dead bards and a dead monk to make him realize those classes suck. He might show up still because he considers you guys to be good friends, regardless of his like or dislike of the game. He could be using his wife as his excuse to skip out most if the time to avoid a game that he isn't enjoying. Or he may not be fighting for his cause to go game as hard as he can because he has no reason to fight for something he doesn't enjoy.

I've had two long-time friends bow out of the group "because of the wives." One of them has no problem being independant from his wife and going out on his own, he just disliked the power-gaming rules mastery of another long-time friend. He used the wife excuse to spare my feelings, it was later comments that opened my eyes to the real problem. The second used the wife excuse because he hates traveling at all to game. We live 15 miles apart and the game is regularly held at my home since I DM and have the best table space. His wife and I are friends too and she has said many times that he should come over to game and bring their son(s) so they can play with my kids.

 

[S'mon]

Personally I negotiated with my wife until I got something she'd accept, in my case two scheduled weekend afternoon games a month. He needs to either do that or drop your game if he can't play at all.

 

[Dausuul]

In my experience, newlyweds end up being unable to leave the house for about two years. We've lost a lot of gaming friends that way, and, usually about two years later, they come back, often with their formerly draconian and / or insecure wives encouraging them to 'go play with your friends.'

I have no idea what causes this sea change, where the spouse who wouldn't let them out of their sight is now shoving them out the door, but it's happened with four friends now (one twice, as he married again and we didn't see him for the traditional two years), so I'm declaring it one of those mysteries that is best unexplored.

Doesn't seem particularly mysterious to me. People get married, and for a while it's all about the new marriage. Husband and wife are all over each other, want to be together as much as possible, and other things kind of fall by the wayside. It's like what happens when somebody gets involved in a new relationship and for a while the couple is joined at the hip - you can't get one without the other (the usual cause of the "gamer's girlfriend" player type.)

From the perspective of the husband's friends, it seems like the wife is being domineering and controlling and demanding, since the husband is always saying he needs to go home to his wife. However, I think it's usually as much him as it is her. He's just using "The wife wants me home" as a way to avoid telling his friends, "Look, you folks are second priority to me now, and I'd rather spend time with my wife than with a bunch of smelly hairy guys, 'kay?"

As time goes by, though, most people can't maintain that level of always-together, all-the-time enthusiasm. Eventually, they start to want time to themselves again... and often it seems to be the wife who starts to feel this desire first, who then shoos her husband out the door so she can have an evening on her own or with her friends. That's when the husband returns to the gaming table with his marital issues mysteriously resolved.

Why is this guy dictating your gaming schedule? He sounds like a warm body drawing in air, not an engaged player. I say, meet when you, the bro, and the buddy of 15 years can get together. Sir Flakeoutalot, Destroyer of Schedules, can show up when he shows up, or not at all.

Yeah, I'd agree. Establish a schedule and stick to it. Give the guy a chance to have some input, but don't let him force you to reschedule every week. If that means he stops showing up to game, so be it. Maybe he'll come back in a couple years, or maybe he'll just drift out of the game for good. In any case, start looking for some new blood.

 

[delericho]

Depends on the couple really.

True that. It seems I too was making unsupported assumptions.

 

[Fifth Element]

Exactly. She demands he be at home when she is now that she is no longer in nursing school? What gives?

It is a give and take relations ship.

Not he gives and she takes, or even she gives and he takes; but both give at times.

It seems like she gives him hell and he just sits there and takes it.

More baseless assumptions, it seems. You have no idea how it actually went down, so I'd suggest you not give advice based on your own made-up ideas.

In fact, unless you've been married, I'd suggest not giving advice on a marital relationship at all.

As for my opinion on this, I'm with Cadfan. This guy definitely screwed up on the day-after-Thanksgiving thing. But in general, adult gamers need to work around each others' respective schedules. Lives and commitments get in the way sometimes. If you want this guy in the game, and you can be flexible when he can't, do so. If you don't care if he's in the game, do whatever you want, I guess.

Having a fixed schedule is nice when you can do it, but you have to realize sometimes it's not possible.

 

[Mark]

There are four members in our group: my brother the DM, me, and two other guys. My brother and I are pretty much available any time. We want to set a firm date to play every week.

One of the other guys we have been having a bit of a problem with. We used to pretty much be able to set a fixed date every week, usually a friday or monday night or whatever, excluding holidays, birthdays, etc. of course.

This problem guy's wife was always in nursing school at night, so he was always free. We didn't seem to have a problem getting together, except for the normal things most groups run into.

Now, there seems to be a complication. She is out of school. The household rule with them seems to be that if she is home, he has to be home. We work our game days around her schedule lately. It doesn't seem to be so much "We never see each other." It seems to be more an issue of lack freedom in a relationship to do your own thing.

I don't want the guy's marital issue, if there is one, to affect our game. At the same time, the marital issue, if there is one, is their problem. I don't know how to approach the guy about this, nor would I be the one to do it.

I have a well-known complete lack of tact in these sorts of matters. If I approached him, it would be something like "Dude, grow a pair, tell your wife it's game night, and if she doesn't like it, tell her she can kiss your 20-sider. If she gives you any more lip, tell her she's cut off. No more nightly deliveries from Mr. Happy."

Of course, I am the single guy in the group. Go figure.

Anyway, any ideas on how to approach this thing?

Thx

If you feel you need to set a game night, set a game night. If you feel you need to have all of the players adhere to a policy of being available for that game night then make sure they all have input on which night it will be and be sure all players are equally invested in making sure the game night happens. Unless your friend expresses some interest in getting advice or help in dealing with his personal situation, you should stay out of it.

 

[Fifth Element]

However, I think it's usually as much him as it is her. He's just using "The wife wants me home" as a way to avoid telling his friends, "Look, you folks are second priority to me now, and I'd rather spend time with my wife than with a bunch of smelly hairy guys, 'kay?"

However, most people can't maintain that level of always-together, all-the-time enthusiasm. Eventually, they start to want time to themselves again... and often it seems to be the wife who starts to feel this desire first, who then shoos her husband out the door so she can have an evening on her own or with her friends. That's when the husband returns to the gaming table with his marital issues mysteriously resolved.

This. The first couple of years I was with my (future) wife, I had much less interest in hanging around with my single friends in one of their basements. But in time, you get comfortable in the relationship and your old hobbies increase in importance again. Perfectly natural, happens all the time.

Getting married didn't actually change anything for me, since we'd been together for 5 years before that, so our relationship had already passed the "newlywed" stage really.

 

[Rel]

The first couple of years I was with my (future) wife...

You're from the future? That explains...oh wait I get it. Nevermind.

 

[justanobody]

More baseless assumptions, it seems. You have no idea how it actually went down, so I'd suggest you not give advice based on your own made-up ideas.

I am able to read the first post in a thread, how about you?

Now, there seems to be a complication. She is out of school. The household rule with them seems to be that if she is home, he has to be home.

Baseless assumption based on the facts given by Joe.