D&D General Character Description Discrepancy

[Clint_L]

I find the lack of empathy in this conversation to be startling.

Everyone has a different perspective, and judging others by what makes sense to us, especially when we lack almost all the essential information, is how you make serious mistakes. The first thing you learn as a teacher (and, cards on the table, parent of a child with autism) is to check your assumptions and find out as much as you can before taking decisive action. Otherwise you are very likely to make the situation worse.

Looking at this from Edward's perspective, all we know is that he has a strong boundary around this one particular issue. We don't know what the reasons are, and so we cannot assume that his reasons are not valid. We don't know what happened to create the particular hangup. We don't know if he has been frequently teased. We don't know if he is neuro-divergent in a way that can cause him to get stuck on thoughts that seem irrational to others.

In most scenarios, a person, particularly a child, reacting strongly to something that seems innocuous means that there is another issue at play. So scolding them or telling them to grow up or whatever will just make the situation worse (I assume the intent, as the responsible adult, is to make the situation better).

In the long run, your response will vary. In the short run, based on limited information, the correct response is simple: assume that Edward has valid reasons for drawing this boundary. Respect the boundary. Edward is not asking for something difficult; all you have to do is stop forcing the glasses idea on him. Speak to the group about respecting boundaries, whatever they are, and regardless of whether they make sense to us.

In the long run, your response depends on the relationship and your own qualifications. Most of us are qualified to be good listeners, if we try, so do that. Don't try to use what you think are common sense solutions; these are usually derived from pop psychology. Are you experienced in working through these situations? Do you have specific credentials or training? If not, then you deal with the situation as unobtrusively as possible and then share the situation with someone who is more qualified (e.g. a school counsellor, a parent, etc.).

In every situation, your goal is to de-escalate and help the person feel safe. Then find a solution. Many of the suggestions being thrown out here would do the opposite.

Slow things down. Listen. Respect your own limitations. You're not trying to win, you're trying to solve a problem.

 

[Clint_L]

A note about stating that Edward is somehow being bad or needs to grow up, etc. What if, as seems possible given the description, Edward has autism? If he is stuck on something like this, as happens often with people on the spectrum, he does not have a lot of control over the situation. Telling him to just stop is, from his perspective, telling him to just stop having autism. It is communicating not just that his behaviour is wrong, but that he is wrong, as a person, because it is behaviour that is tied to how his brain works.

It is like telling a blind person to just look harder. They aren't going to suddenly stop being blind.

You would never get angry at a person with, say, a missing limb and tell them to just "grow up" and walk faster, would you? Brain disabilities are a real thing and they don't get cured by anger and punishments.

 

[Seramus]

@bloodtide
INFO 1: Did Edward express his dislike of glasses PIOR to being given the magical glasses?
INFO 2: Did Edward express his dislike of glasses PIOR to having the art of his character drawn?

 

[J.Quondam]

Assuming the DM came on board solely as a DM (ie, not parent, teacher, therapist, etc), and assuming the DM has no knowledge that any player has special needs, etc, then this is not really the DM's problem, imo. I don't see any need to deal with it in any special way other than how I'd normally deal with something like this.

Talk to the player (of the PC with the glasses) offline, something along the lines of, "This spectacle item has led to disruptions a few times. Would these disruptions end if we retcon the item into a hat or gloves or something?" If the player agrees, and the others agree never to mention it again, then great, problem solved! Otoh, if any player is belligerent about the attempt to correct the issue (or if any player brings it up again after agreeing not to) then I'd say, "Sorry, I'm not a good fit for this group" and respectfully bow out of the game.

See, in the absence of any other explicit expectations, my job as a DM is simply to moderate the game and keep the table running smoothly in a way that's enjoyable for everyone-- myself included. My job is NOT to make uninformed guesses about the roots of other adult players' personality issues. If they don't/can't abide by the table social contract, don't utilize our agreed safety tools, or don't respond to my attempts to manage the table, then it's best if I just bow out.

 

[Clint_L]

Assuming the DM came on board solely as a DM (ie, not parent, teacher, therapist, etc), and assuming the DM has no knowledge that any player has special needs, etc, then this is not really the DM's problem, imo. I don't see any need to deal with it in any special way other than how I'd normally deal with something like this.

Talk to the player (of the PC with the glasses) offline, something along the lines of, "This spectacle item has led to disruptions a few times. Would these disruptions end if we retcon the item into a hat or gloves or something?" If the player agrees, and the others agree never to mention it again, then great, problem solved! Otoh, if any player is belligerent about the attempt to correct the issue (or if any player brings it up again after agreeing not to) then I'd say, "Sorry, I'm not a good fit for this group" and respectfully bow out of the game.

See, in the absence of any other explicit expectations, my job as a DM is simply to moderate the game and keep the table running smoothly in a way that's enjoyable for everyone-- myself included. My job is NOT to make uninformed guesses about the roots of other adult players' personality issues. If they don't/can't abide by the table social contract, don't utilize our agreed safety tools, or don't respond to my attempts to manage the table, then it's best if I just bow out.

Yes. Unless you have specific training and a specific responsibility, it is not your job to fix Edward or anyone else. Your solution for Edward is perfect: give him other options, and then let the group know that we have moved on and to drop it.

One quibble I have is with your responsibility as a DM. This really depends on the situation and relationships involved. Plenty of folks will be in situations where it is not as simple as just walking away.

At camp last summer, I has a student who really didn't want to be playing D&D, he wanted to be playing a Star Wars game as a Sith. He brought a Darth Vader helmet in a shopping bag and when he got bored or distracted he would plunk it on his head and turn it on so that it made the respirator noises. We just rolled with it. I helped him make a hexblade character and described all his abilities in terms of Star Wars archetypes. This was not an ideal scenario but we made it work and everyone still had fun. Plus I still chuckle remembering him breathing at me with the helmet on.

It's just a game.

 

[jasper]

Talk with Edward. Reskin the item. Tell the artist to get input from Edward about any future drawings. If Edward is still being a pill, show him the door.

 

[Rabulias]

It is like telling a blind person to just look harder. They aren't going to suddenly stop being blind.

You would never get angry at a person with, say, a missing limb and tell them to just "grow up" and walk faster, would you? Brain disabilities are a real thing and they don't get cured by anger and punishments.

Speaking as someone who has needed to wear glasses most of my life, Edward is doing the exact behavior you decry. If I was at that table (and odds are at least one player there requires vision correction), I would be insulted by his statements and behavior.

I agree that anger and punishment will not help, but it needs to be made plain to Edward how what he says and does impacts the game for everyone else.

And while it is not the gaming group's place to do this, they could remind Edward that odds are he will need vision correction at some point in his life. What goes around, comes around.

 

[Oofta]

Speaking as someone who has needed to wear glasses most of my life, Edward is doing the exact behavior you decry. If I was at that table (and odds are at least one player there requires vision correction), I would be insulted by his statements and behavior.

I agree that anger and punishment will not help, but it needs to be made plain to Edward how what he says and does impacts the game for everyone else.

And while it is not the gaming group's place to do this, they could remind Edward that odds are he will need vision correction at some point in his life. What goes around, comes around.

Yep. He's saying "Eyeglasses are stupid". It doesn't matter if it's only his PC, the thing he actively dislikes and is calling stupid is a necessity for many people.

Edward is not a child. Even if he has other issues, he needs to conform to the social contract of a group. For me that means not being insulting. Would it be any different if a magic spell gone wrong had changed his PC to have dark brown skin? Changed his gender? Required him to walk with the help of a cane? Would it really be okay to say "I look stupid because I'm a different [ethnicity/gender]"?

To top it all off, this is completely on the player. If he doesn't like the look, he could give the glasses to someone else. If he can't understand how he's being insulting, or unwilling to change his behavior even if he doesn't understand, then he wouldn't be part of my group any more.

 

[Clint_L]

Speaking as someone who has needed to wear glasses most of my life, Edward is doing the exact behavior you decry.

No, he is not. Read the OP again. Edward is saying that he does not want his character wearing glasses. No reason is given. Probably it is because that is not how he pictures his character in his head. At no point is he described as saying that glasses look stupid or anything like that. That is something that folks here are making up, probably because they are making assumptions based on their own ignorance of the situation, and they are trying to make his motivations fit their world view of why people do things. He just doesn't want glasses on HIS character. It's his aesthetic choice.

A lot of neuro-divergent people, kids especially, will get stuck on exactly an issue like this. They have an image, and that is how they want it, full stop. And he has made this clear. The person who drew the picture either failed to register this, which seems unlikely given how the situation was described, or chose to ignore it. Either way, she violated his boundary. If she did it innocently, then quietly explain why Edward is upset - he stated a strong boundary, and she accidentally violated it. If, as seems likely, her action was intentional, then she is being a bully. In neither situation does Edward owe her an apology.

Obviously if Edward is saying that glasses look stupid in general or anything like that, then it is a different situation than the one described and would be handled differently. Though again, I would be mindful that Edward might have some other issues going on and would strive to resolve the issue through de-escalation.

In my Sith kid example above, he was obviously stuck on an idea for his character that totally didn't fit with the scenario...but so what? Was I supposed to derail the whole game out of my insistence that his hexblade couldn't look like a lightsaber or something? We just had a quiet conversation and resolved it to his satisfaction.

Again, I am startled by the failure to even attempt empathy for Edward in this situation. People keep writing from their own perspective - after all the situation is not a big deal to you, so what is this guy's problem? Try to get the facts before rushing to judgment, and consider that there is a good chance that you are wrong. I am hopeful that folks are writing out of ignorance, having not played with a lot of young folks, or folks with cognitive differences.

As a parent of a child with autism, I cannot express how deeply hurtful it is when people make assumptions about behaviours that they do not understand. The Edward situation is exactly like something my kid might do if he got stuck, and what I am reading here is that folks think he should in effect be punished, bullied, humiliated, ostracized for something that he cannot control and could be easily de-escalated.

 

[Lanefan]

Yes. Unless you have specific training and a specific responsibility, it is not your job to fix Edward or anyone else.

Correct. It's also not anyone's job to have to put up with him...if he's serious.

I'll lob this in, though: there's a small but non-zero possibility that Edward is doing this anti-glasses thing as kind of a long-running joke; that dislike of glasses is his "schtick" and he's simply staying true to it. I've seen this sort of thing before.