101 Magic Items nobody needs.

[Thunderfoot]

Not necessarily useless, but funny...

Schrödinger's Box: When a feline mammal is placed inside, Schrödinger's box may or may not poison it.

Heisenberg's Uncertain Arrows: Anyone observing Heisenberg's Uncertain Arrows can either discern their location or their velocity (50/50 chance), but not both. Anyone struck by Heisenburg's Uncertain Arrows is, thus, flat-footed against the attack.

Rods of Pythagoras: These two rods are connected at a 90 degree angle, and each telescopes between 3 inches and 4 feet. When the command word is spoken, a line of yellow light runs between the unconnected ends of the rod; the length of this line is always equal to the square root of the sum of the squares of the lengths of the Rods of Pythagoras.

Your use of science and math offends, Sir! I challenge thee to a dual.... (note the spelling)

 

[Thunderfoot]

Dust of Cleanliness - Sprinkle this dust in any room and it will be instantly clean...except for all the dust in the room.
Underpants of Enlarge Prostate - The bane of aging men everywhere.
Boots of the Bunion- Wearing these boots causes 1d6 bunions to sprout on your toes.
Boots of the Norse - Wearing these boots summons one 1d6 bands of vikings to rape, pillage and plunder the village in which you stand.
Gauntlets of Ogre Prowess - You gain the intelligence of an ogre (6).
Ring of Ramming - When worn you immediately begin striking the nearest solid wall repeatedly.
Ring of Feathers Fall - When activated 10d4 feathers appear and fall.
Staff of the "May I?" - Once activated the user must raise his/her hand and ask the staff for permission to proceed with any action.
The Horn of Plenty - Once activated the horn continues to play Dizzy Gillespie trumpet solos, which after a few hours should be plenty enough for anyone.

 

[Asmor]

Your use of science and math offends, Sir! I challenge thee to a dual.... (note the spelling)

You dare challenge me? I'll cut you!

...with Occam's Razor!

Occam's Razor: Sometimes the simplest weapons are the best.

Zeno's Arrow: In the first half of the round, this cursed arrow travels half the distance to its intended target. In the first half of what's left of the round, it travels half the remaining distance to its intended target. And thus it continues traveling half the remaining distance in half the remaining time, but it never actually reaches it targets.

The Unit Sphere: When found, this small, translucent ball is about 2 inches in diameter, and a set of 3 straight lines, each perpendicular to one another and meeting in the center of the sphere, are visible. The unit sphere resizes itself so that no matter what you use to measure it, its radius is always 1.

Boots of Manhattan: While wearing these boots, you cannot move diagonally. (in case you don't get it)

 

[Himoura]

I've heard of my DM using a ring of contraryness (SP) basically the PC had to disagree where possible with all decision they could even if it was the most logical, from memory the group never really worked out why the PC would never go along with the group

 

[Thunderfoot]

You dare challenge me? I'll cut you!

...with Occam's Razor!

Occam's Razor: Sometimes the simplest weapons are the best.

Zeno's Arrow: In the first half of the round, this cursed arrow travels half the distance to its intended target. In the first half of what's left of the round, it travels half the remaining distance to its intended target. And thus it continues traveling half the remaining distance in half the remaining time, but it never actually reaches it targets.

The Unit Sphere: When found, this small, translucent ball is about 2 inches in diameter, and a set of 3 straight lines, each perpendicular to one another and meeting in the center of the sphere, are visible. The unit sphere resizes itself so that no matter what you use to measure it, its radius is always 1.

Boots of Manhattan: While wearing these boots, you cannot move diagonally. (in case you don't get it)

BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!
On a side note have you ever heard of a Manhattan Suppository? It clears all the rectallinear distance of any object on which it is used.

 

[STARP_Social_Officer]

Ring of the Ram - Allows the wearer to cast create sheep 3/day.

Ring of Death - You put it on, you die. Not terribly useful, but I can think of some uses for it.

Rod of Rod of Lordly Might - Pretty self-explanatory; allows the user to extend the length of his penis 5/day. Women probably shouldn't use this one.

Immovable Rod - You can't do anything with it because you can't move it.

Potion of Reverse Fire Breath - Same as the regular kind, except the flame comes from the other end.

Staff of Wood - Has the advantage of being free.

Lump of coal +1 - it's just a lump of coal. But it's a magic lump...

Mirror of government - Creates a duplicate of yourself that can't attack you unless you sign form 34-D in triplicate...

Underpants of elvenkind - I'll let you decide for yourself what these do.

Belt of dwarvenkind - Makes you smaller, so the belt doesn't fit anymore and falls off, thus making you bigger again. Hours of fun.

Helm of Opposite Alignment - Moves your head three feet to the left.

Bag of Scolding - Any item you pull out of it instantly chastises you for leaving it in there so long.

Book of Vile Darkness - Gives bonuses to evil divine spellcasters, but it's written in black ink on black paper.

Staff of the Maggi - Summons 2-minute noodles on command.

Staff of Earth, Wind and Fire - Summons a soul group on command. Not terribly useful, but you could get them to sing at the orcs for hours and hours as a torture.

Nolzur's Marvellous Figments - A set of paints that isn't really there.

 

[Slife]

Basically, anything from the warehouse 23 basement.

 

[Asmor]

Rangerboom: (pronounced rang-er-boom, not ranger-boom) This backwards boomerang returns to your hand before you throw it. After you throw it, you need to pick it up just like anything else you toss.

Hole-y Grail: Good luck drinking from this gilded chalice, as any liquid poured into it quickly drains out through the dozens of holes.

The Inconvenient Compass: Anytime you need to discern north, all this device does is draw circles. Any time you need to draw a circle, it points north.

Goggles of Blindsense: When donned, these goggles shoot sharp, jagged points into your eyes, blinding you.

Bag of Withholding: Anything placed in this bag is safely stored in an extradimensional space. The bag will not, however, allow you to retrieve it.

Cloak of Inflammability: When donned by someone with a poor grasp of the common tongue, causes them to combust.

Bag of Boobies: When the command word is spoken, strange birds with blue feet pour out.

Ring of PCism: When donned, magically changes certain words the character attempts to say. For example, elf becomes "Patchouli-scented sandal-wearing person" halfling becomes "Vertically-challenged person," gnome becomes "Stinky, vertically-challenged person," and Dwarf becomes "Drunken, stinky, vertically-challenged person with a beard."

 

[Andor]

Hewards Handy Car Keys - These enchanted keys can never be lost. They will immediately appear in any pocket you reach into. Now if only someone knew what a car was.

Ioun's Kidney Stone

Mordenkainens Magnificent Mausoleum

Ten foot hole - not portable

Bottomless Mug of Beer - Unfortuantely since it has no bottom it can't hold beer.

 

[Nightchilde-2]

Jeweled Chamberpot of Holding