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Furn_Darkside
First Post
Ok, found the txt file I was looking for...
Two campers sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?!?"
"No, because he's fricken heavy."
And my favorite---
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
FD
Two campers sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?!?"
"No, because he's fricken heavy."
And my favorite---
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
FD
Dr Midnight
Explorer
What do you get when you cross a vampire with a duck?
***WHAT do you get when you cross a vampire with a duck, Dr. Midnight???***
I dunno. Some variety of weird vampire duck, I'd wager.
***WHAT do you get when you cross a vampire with a duck, Dr. Midnight???***
I dunno. Some variety of weird vampire duck, I'd wager.
drunkadelic
First Post
I was at my younger cousin's school the other day picking him up for my aunt, when I went to use the restroom, they had those fun little dixie cups with jokes on them for kids, and I picked one off nonchalantly and it said:
What's big, and red, and eats rocks?
.
.
. <turns cup>
.
.
A big red rock eater.
I don't know if I was stupid at the time, but that was like the most hilarious thing ever. I showed it to my 6 year old cousin and he said,
"That's retarded."
I guess the joke's on me.
Drunkadelic
What's big, and red, and eats rocks?
.
.
. <turns cup>
.
.
A big red rock eater.
I don't know if I was stupid at the time, but that was like the most hilarious thing ever. I showed it to my 6 year old cousin and he said,
"That's retarded."
I guess the joke's on me.
Drunkadelic
Furn_Darkside
First Post
did someone mention a duck?
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Louisiana. We settle small disagreements like this with the Louisiana "Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Louisiana Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck"
Ok, I will stop, heh.
FD
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Louisiana. We settle small disagreements like this with the Louisiana "Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Louisiana Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck"
Ok, I will stop, heh.
FD
el-remmen
Moderator Emeritus
A panda walks into a bar, goes up to the bar and starts scarfing down the peanuts and pretzels in the little bowls.
He then pulls out a gun and shoots the man next to him, and makes to leave the bar.
The bartender is astonished. "Hey! You can't do that!" He calls after the bear.
The panda stops and looks back, "Of course, I can. I'm a panda. Look it up." And then leaves.
Confused, the bartender pulls out a copy of the dictionary from under the bar and looks up "panda"
There is say, "Panda - Eats shoots and leaves.
He then pulls out a gun and shoots the man next to him, and makes to leave the bar.
The bartender is astonished. "Hey! You can't do that!" He calls after the bear.
The panda stops and looks back, "Of course, I can. I'm a panda. Look it up." And then leaves.
Confused, the bartender pulls out a copy of the dictionary from under the bar and looks up "panda"
There is say, "Panda - Eats shoots and leaves.
Furn_Darkside
First Post
nemmerle said:
I love that one.
heh
FD
Piratecat
Sesquipedalian
A polar bear walks into a bar. "What'll ya have, buddy?" asks the bartender.
"I think I'll have a.... .... .... .... .... .... a .... .... .... .... .... beer."
"Sure," says the bartender, "but why the large pause?"
"I don't know," answered the polar bear, holding up one claw. "They've always been this size."
"I think I'll have a.... .... .... .... .... .... a .... .... .... .... .... beer."
"Sure," says the bartender, "but why the large pause?"
"I don't know," answered the polar bear, holding up one claw. "They've always been this size."
Furn_Darkside
First Post
Ugh, I can't help myself- the animal jokes must continue
The wolves were decimating the farmers' sheep. So the farmers' association raised the bounty on them to a hundred dollars a pelt.
Two hunters, Sam and Ed, decided they could use the money. So they got their gear together and headed out to the wide open spaces to shoot some wolves and make themselves rich.
They had just fallen asleep out under the stars when a noise woke Ed. By the light of the campfire he saw the eyes of a hundred wolves -- teeth gleaming.
He shook his friend and whispered hoarsely, "Sam! Sam! Wake up! We're rich!"
The wolves were decimating the farmers' sheep. So the farmers' association raised the bounty on them to a hundred dollars a pelt.
Two hunters, Sam and Ed, decided they could use the money. So they got their gear together and headed out to the wide open spaces to shoot some wolves and make themselves rich.
They had just fallen asleep out under the stars when a noise woke Ed. By the light of the campfire he saw the eyes of a hundred wolves -- teeth gleaming.
He shook his friend and whispered hoarsely, "Sam! Sam! Wake up! We're rich!"
LightPhoenix
First Post
A man walks into a bar, doesn't have any money. He goes over to the bartender and says,
"So, bartender, I don't have any money, can I get a drink?"
"Hell no."
"Alright, how about a bet then? Ten dollars says I can bite my eye."
The bartender thinks, "No way someone could do that", so he agrees. "Sure."
The man takes out his glass eye and bites down on it.
The bartender, being a good sport and loving a good trick, says okay and gives the man ten dollars. The man goes, spends it all on drinks, and comes back again.
"I bet you twenty dollars I can bite my ear."
The bartender is a little weary, but he thinks about it, and says, "No way you can do that! You're on!"
The man takes out his false teeth and bites clamps them on his ear. The man laughs, and gives the guy his twenty dollars. Once again the man goes, spends it all, and returns to the bartender.
"Fifty bucks says I can stand on the bar and pee into a shot glass, and not spill a drop."
The bartender says to himself, "There's no way someone could do this", so he agrees.
The man gets up on the bar, aims, completely misses. Piss is everywhere - the bar, the stools, and even on the bartender. Not a drop in the shot glass. The bartender starts laughing, and so does the man. This confuses the bartender.
"Why are you laughing? You just lost fifty dollars!"
"True," the man replies, "but I bet that guy over there a hundred I could piss all over the bartender and he'd laugh."
"So, bartender, I don't have any money, can I get a drink?"
"Hell no."
"Alright, how about a bet then? Ten dollars says I can bite my eye."
The bartender thinks, "No way someone could do that", so he agrees. "Sure."
The man takes out his glass eye and bites down on it.
The bartender, being a good sport and loving a good trick, says okay and gives the man ten dollars. The man goes, spends it all on drinks, and comes back again.
"I bet you twenty dollars I can bite my ear."
The bartender is a little weary, but he thinks about it, and says, "No way you can do that! You're on!"
The man takes out his false teeth and bites clamps them on his ear. The man laughs, and gives the guy his twenty dollars. Once again the man goes, spends it all, and returns to the bartender.
"Fifty bucks says I can stand on the bar and pee into a shot glass, and not spill a drop."
The bartender says to himself, "There's no way someone could do this", so he agrees.
The man gets up on the bar, aims, completely misses. Piss is everywhere - the bar, the stools, and even on the bartender. Not a drop in the shot glass. The bartender starts laughing, and so does the man. This confuses the bartender.
"Why are you laughing? You just lost fifty dollars!"
"True," the man replies, "but I bet that guy over there a hundred I could piss all over the bartender and he'd laugh."
