ok...you asked for it:
WHY STEVE WON'T READ ANY ULTIMATE MARVEL:
(the short version)
lessee, as stated, i have over 15,000 comics. we'll estimate and say at least 9,000 of those are marvel.
with the exception of the clearly titled WHAT IF...? , every single one of those 9,000 comics takes place in the same universe.
the same place i've been reading about for years. has continuity been perfect? no. but not as awful as DCs or as it could be.
are all the characters perfect? nope. have all the stories that have been told been perfect? of course not.
the purpose of the ULTIMATE UNIVERSE as clearly stated by Marvel has been to bring new readers to comics by updating classic characters like Spider-Man and the X-Men to modern times. as if their origins were in the year 2000 instead of the 1960. without all the "confusing, convoluted backstory that nobody can follow". they use big-name writers and artists to "fix" the problems in the regular marvel universe titles.
ok. this is WRONG WRONG WRONG on so many levels.
1> instead of spending money on big name writers and creators to "fix" perceived problems in an alternate universe... WHY NOT JUST HIRE THEM FOR THE REGULAR BOOKS?
2> the answer to the question if of course, that in the Ultimate Universe they can do whatever they want, change characters 100%, kill them and do cool "dark" things with them. they dont want to do this in the "regular" books because they have fallen into the trap of not changing their "icons". being afraid of change kills.
3> the history of the marvel universe is RICH and INTERESTING not confusing and convoluted. as soon as you throw out the time discrepencies of "shouldnt they all be 50something if they were teens in the 60s". (i diagree with not aging them, but thats a whole nother rant) I didnt start reading comics in the 60s, but the 80s. When I first picked up a copy of Avengers and X-Men, i didnt say "these guys are cool, but they have a long history so i cant be bothered" , NO, i said "WOW, THESE GUYS ARE SOOOO COOL THAT I WILL READ EVERY MONTH, AND FIND BACK ISSUES SO I CAN READ ABOUT THEIR OLD ADVENTURES TOO" this is the pull of comics, and what keeps comic stores in business, and you cant have a business without comic stores.
4> the real puzzler is the logic. if the regular marvel universes history is confusing and convoluted what will they do in 5 years when the ultimate universe's history us just as detailed (translation: confusing and convoluted) ???? will they make the MORE ULTIMATE UNIVERSE? or the ULTIMATER-ER UNIVERSE? or the ULTIMATE TO THE INFINITE POWER UNIVERSE? how many of these will be published at the same time?
5> the other problem with the logic is even worse. so youre 10 years old and just saw the SPIDER-MAN movie. wow, this guy is cool. you beg mom and dad to take you to the comic store (i know, you have no way of knowing that comic books or comic stores exist, but we'll pretend the local store was smart enough to send a young customer to stand in front of the movie theatre all weekend with business cards, flyers, coupons and free comics in exchange for a nice-sized customer credit even though NONE of the stores in nyc did this.) anywho, you go to the comic book store and ask for SPIDER-MAN comics. you are instantly asked "do u want regular marvel universe amazing spider-man and peter parker spider-man? or ultimate spider-man?" ***THIS*** is more confusing to new fans than anything else. Nobody who hasn't been reading comics understands the difference.
5a> of course, why do i expect logic? in the regular marvel universe, it was decide that no kids could relate to Spider-man anymore because Peter Parker was married, awaiting a child, his aunt was dead after admititing she knew he was Spider-man all along and his major villian was long dead, and replaced by his son who also died (but remember, spidey has the biggest and best rogue's gallery of ANY hero, so you don't need this guy)
so instead, they kidnapped his kid from the hospital during birth and as far as everyone is concerned the kid is dead. his wife left him. and it was revealed that his aunt who died wasn't really his aunt, but a paid professional actress with plastic surgery to look exactly like his aunt and she was hired by the original Green Goblin who hasnt really been dead all this time, but living in Europe and watching his son be Green Goblin and didn't start plotting his major revenege until his son died too. So he wanted Peter to lose his kid, his wife, his aunt and then come fight him.
if you think this is absolutely ridiculous and why you dont read comics you are 100% right. the only reason the story is THIS stupid is because they wanted to wipe out his marriage, his kid, Aunt May's death and the Green Goblin's death. Because even those modern kids can't relate to a married superhero with a kid, a dead aunt and no guy with a green goblin suit, THEY CAN RELATE TO A DIVORCED SUPERHERO WITH A LIVE AUNT, A DEAD KID, AND A GUY WITH A GREEN GOBLIN SUIT AS LONG AS HE DOESNT TALK ABOUT HIS WIFE, HIS DEAD KID, THE FACT THAT HIS AUNT JUST GOT BACK FROM BEING KIDNAPPED FROM A YEAR AND HE BURIED SOMEONE WHO LOOKED JUST LIKE HER. AGH!
6> if the ultimate universe is too sucessful. they will stop publishing comics in the regular marvel universe and make everything ultimate. and theres NO WAY that I'm going to allow that to happen
7> On one of the comic book message boards, John Byrne bashed me for my BOYCOTT THE ULTIMATE UNIVERSE post as soon as they were originally announced. HE rattled on, putting words in my mouth, being a hypocrite, and calling me the "worst kind of comic book fan". i told him that if guys who spend 250.00 on comics every month are the worst kind of comic book fan, he better hope he doesnt get rid of the few of us that are left, because the whole industry would collapse. while i was there, i told him i'd return to him every comic from my collection that he wrote if he gave me my money back, but he didnt take me up on my offer. I'm not sure why it is, but almost every comic book professional who makes public statements or i've had interactions with is A COMPLETE JERK WITH NO SOCIAL SKILLS.
For all these reasons and more, I have NEVER bought an Ultimate title.
Last year, on FREE COMIC BOOK DAY, I did get a free FCBD-version of Ultimate Spider-Man #1. I read it. And it was awful.
I have NO idea why anyone bought issue 2 to see if it got better, thats how bad it was.
you say you never heard of FREE COMIC BOOK DAY?
(wouldnt be surprised, few did)
last year, the Saturday the day after Spidey's release was FREE COMIC BOOK DAY. all the major companies and some of the indies gave out FREE COMIC BOOKS. NO CATCH.
theyre doing it again this year too... the day after X2 comes out.
I apologize to anyone who actually read this whole thing, blame it on Billy and Oni for asking
