Anticipatory Grief

[Umbran]

If you don't want to read about sadness, maybe take a pass on this one folks.

Today was... not a good day.

One of my cats has clearly not been feeling well, as she hasn't been eating much. While my wife is a veterinarian, she's in hospice and palliative care, and generally doesn't need or have the bigger diagnostic systems, and doctors shouldn't treat their own family members anyway. So, I took our cat to the best clinic around, to get some blood work and maybe an X-Ray...

And the results of that weren't clear, but also weren't comforting, so I spent the rest of the day at an even bigger clinic that has radiologists around on the weekend for an ultrasound...

... and then a biopsy.

Full diagnosis isn't in yet. But cancer is the most likely. And, for the better form of that, if she tolerates chemotherapy... she has maybe a year. We can hold it off for a while. We can keep her comfortable. So, maybe it can be a mostly good year, a year worth having. But... it probably won't be a great year, and it probably won't be much more than a year.

Other than her care, the important, and kind of hard, thing is now to not allow knowing that to ruin the year. We have to soak up her goodness, and give her as much joy as possible, before she's gone. Allowing our grief before the fact to get in the way of enjoying that limited span, or otherwise seep into our lives and tarnish it, would be a travesty.

But, holding that anticipation at bay, not focusing on it, not letting it lead to bad decisions or fouling the time we have, can be hard. Knowing that grief before passing happens, however, is one key to managing it. So, here I recognize the potential, so I will be more capable of handling it as it comes.

 

[MGibster]

Knowing that grief before passing happens, however, is one key to managing it. So, here I recognize the potential, so I will be more capable of handling it as it comes.

I've sometimes wondered whether it's better to experience a sudden death or be forewarned. I'm morbid that way I guess. The advantage of being forewarned is you get an opportunity to say your goodbyes, make plans, and come to terms with what's going to happen. It gives you some time to manage everything, grief included.

The most difficult part for my wife and I was deciding when it was time to let our dog go. His physical health was deteriorating, but he could still get around well enough, enjoyed his food, and on occasion still wanted to spend time with us. He appeared to have dementia and it just kept getting worse to the point where we figured he was no longer living a good life. It was tough to decide where that tipping point was and I'm not 100% sure we got it right.

I'm sorry about your cat. I'm frequently amazed by just how much joy our pets bring to our lives and how much it hurts when they're gone.

 

[Autumnal]

That’s very hard, Umbran. Deepest sympathy and condolences from here.

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

I’m so sorry to hear that Umbran. You never know how much time you have with anyone in the world, but sometimes you know it’s not much more.

We’re kind of in the same boat ourselves. Our grrrl will make 14 in January…if she makes it that long. She got sick a few months ago, and we thought she was weeks away from death. But she got better.

Still, she’s got vision and hearing issues, and it’s clear to us that she’s experiencing mental decline as well.

 

[Alzrius]

I'm very sorry to hear what you're going through. I have a sick cat myself, so I can empathize with how heartbreaking it is to watch a beloved pet slowly slip away.

 

[Warpiglet-7]

First of all, I am very sorry to hear this.

Several months ago I had a sick pet.
The vet said he was sorry when we had him examined but he lasted longer than anticipated.

Over weeks I watched the breathing and activity and personality change. And then he did pass away.

I cried a lot. Probably daily. Leaving for work I felt Guilt while he was still sick.

I coped by trying to visit as much as he could tolerate. Tried to give special food and so forth. We had some very special moments before he passed. Be strong and allow those to happen. They are as real as the moments when he was not sick.

Anticipatory grief hurt more than I would have thought but resolved more quickly than i would have thought after his passing.

None of us truly know how long a pet has.

I say try to have some good moments. When they happen in the lifespan is not as important as long as they happen. I connected to my pet and he did some uncommon things seemingly showing his attachment to me specifically.

Hang in there and very sorry. I love my pets more than people usually understand sometimes more than my family understands.

Your pet needs you so let that help you do what you need to do. The rest does take care of itself. In the meantime, just show love. It’s important for you both.

 

[aco175]

Sometimes things suck all around and strangers, or quasi-strangers might be better or worse to talk to. When my do got cancer a few years ago, I told the wife that we spend hundreds of dollars on the dog and thousands on the kids. Sometimes ones financial situation is taken into account when talking about care and comfort of an animal. I'm not one that feels the pet is one of the kids in my family so there is that as well.

Mostly things come down to the animals quality of life and its pain and suffering compared to your wanting to keep it around. If things are managed, them fine, but at some point...