Hida Bukkorosu said:
as far as how i dress, i want someone who wants the real me, not some fake person i'm pretending to be. what it seems is that the real me is someone who girls aren't attracted to, at least not the kind of girls i'm attracted to.
Um, yet another (quite possibly annoying) person stepping up and commenting blithely on your personal life here. Hi!
You want someone who wants the real you? Congratulations - in all sincerity, that is. Goddamn, if there was only
more of that in the world, not less. Hang on a sec - maybe it's just that I empathise with your feelings there. I'll try to be less associative, and no doubt fail.
"Not some fake person I'm pretending to be"? Yeh, I hear that. But, we are all fake people when in public,
of necessity. Without some kind of buffer between what each of us actually thinks and feels, and every other person with their own (frequently irreconcilable) thoughts and feelings, things would be, well...abundantly more horrible than they may already be, let's just say.
Clothes absolutely
do not make the man, or woman. Ridiculous to assume that they ever could or could have. But they do operate in a similar manner to flags, say. I think that many people who might appear to be 'image-obsessed' or 'shallow' in this area are in fact just utilising those flags effectively, knowing full well that none of it truly means a thing, but happier nonetheless to use the resources available to them, than not to. It's not everyone's choice, but quite honestly I believe that a lot of those 'playing the game' are lucidly aware of the fact that they are doing precisely that. The
real them? Someone not so shallow, quite often. In most places on Earth, you have to wear clothes. So, from there, it's a simple inevitable matter of deciding either what you want to wear, or what you least dislike wearing, according to your outlook. Any people out there who'll form opinions on who you really are based on your
clothing are a waste of your time, clearly - vapid puppets and such.
So what 'kind' of girls
are you attracted to (aiming for a positive rather than a double negative)? No, I don't need to know, but you may or may not. Taking people on a case-by-case basis rather than categorising, that's the key, IMO. Common ground usually helps a bit. Maybe try looking in the same places you'd like someone to find you at (possibly places you feel 'at home'/'yourself'). It worked for me, though accidentally - I met my current longtime girlfriend (and she is
definitely 'the one') in an atypical place, and the meeting was completely unforeseen - and slightly awkward, also mutually nervewracking - but here we are; point being, if I'd thought of that back then, I could've actually sought that situation out actively. It works for others too, from time to time. It might work for you also.
Hida Bukkorosu said:
i guess that's in general how i see life. too much work for too little reward. life requires way too much effort, and there's not enough good things about life to make it feel like it's worth all the work.
Foresight and hindsight are prerequisites for making sense of anything much. Being a roleplayer (I assume), you'd be even more than usually capable of 'seeing into the future', should you wish to. Your future self will forever be in a state of disappointment and disapproval toward your past i.e. present self if you don't take worthwhile opportunities and also create some for yourself.
Hida Bukkorosu said:
i can't just go up and start talking to some strange girl, no matter how much i'd like to... i'm just too afraid...
You and how many others? You'd be surprised. It sucks, but it's how it is. Anything unknown tends to be like that. Anything with a real chance of humiliation, even more so. Someone told me years ago, some disposable platitude like "FEEL THE FEAR AND DO IT ANYWAY!". Heh, I thought. Sure. You first - I'll observe and make my own mind up on the matter...and so, a significant time later I did (make up my mind)...waddayaknow...who woulda thunk it...good advice, as it so happens.
Hida Bukkorosu said:
as far as looking in the mirror and smiling, my forced smiles look terrible.
Nearly everyone looks more crap in mirrors, especially with certain lighting. Same goes for photos, same goes for the sound of your speaking voice in recordings, you name it. And I really wouldn't bother with forced smiles except where strictly required for the fending off of disastrous situations. At least as many people respond negatively to them as positively, IME. And the kinds of people who respond negatively, might well be of more interest to you (as someone who is less concerned with trite conformism than truths, no?)
Hida Bukkorosu said:
i suppose, from an objective viewpoint, it's best for the world (other than myself) that someone like me has their self-esteem crushed. i mean, if I was truly able to realise my childhood dreams, I'd be bringing much suffering upon the world under my despotic regime. there'd be all sorts of suffering and death because of my wars of conquest. but because i have no self-confidence, i can't realise my desires. i think they recognised this and that's why everyone from teachers on down to students conspired to destroy me. because i was a threat, my intelligence combined with my resistance to conformity made me dangerous. but my emotional instability made me an easy target.
It's worse for the world (including, of course, the individual in question) whenever anyone is partially crushed (kind of a euphemism, you might say), because it perpetuates and fuels that same small-minded idiocy elsewhere. And that's my best rendition of an 'objective viewpoint' (though no such thing exists - the term itself is an oxymoron).
Some people conspired to destroy you? I've been there. I was also precocious (a common enough trait among roleplayers, seemingly). I was also resistant to conformity (ditto). On a few occasions I was considered dangerous. I've been emotionally unstable at times. And while I'm not presuming to speak on behalf of others here (only to give unsolicited advice of debatable merit
), I would hazard a guess that a
lot of people could truthfully say the same.
At present, you haven't been destroyed. From this point on, it's up to you whether you faithfully carry on the work of said small-minded idiots in your past and actually succeed at their previously attempted destruction of your good self, or...make your own way. I've been through stuff, and I know people who've been through worse stuff than I have. They've come through it - not unscathed, but whole - with the influences of bloodyminded willpower and good people. Identify the good people in your life. They won't let you down. With a bit of support from them, you'll be able to be whatever it is you aspire to be.
my 2c. I hope even a fraction of it might prove helpful in some way, and if it doesn't, I hope it's forgivable and forgettable garbage.
