Best D&D Joke
- Thread starter Pielorinho
- Start date
Demmero
Explorer
I can't believe I don't see my all-time favorite joke either in this thread or in the archived one Dark Jezter gave a link to! No idea where I first heard it, but it was several years back, and I don't remember it all, so I'll have to ad lib a little....
A pair of very virtuous paladins arranged a rendezvous so they could swap stories of good deeds done, foul monsters vanquished, etc. The first arrived at the meeting place, and a few minutes later the second showed up, riding on an unfamiliar horse. After a few words of greeting, the first paladin motioned towards the horse and said, "I can tell there's a story behind your new mount." The second paladin nodded and proceeded to tell the tale.
"On my way to our meeting, I was traveling through the woods and heard someone crying out for help. I raced forward and found a young maiden on horseback surrounded by a dozen goblins. I charged to her defense and slew all the goblins. The lass insisted that I take a reward of some sort, even though I told her that none was expected.
"She climbed down off the horse and peeled off all her clothes, leaving them in a pile by the horse. Then she slowly approached me. 'Take anything you desire from me,' she said in a strange, husky voice."
The first paladin looked at his comrade, then at the horse, and finally nodded.
"You chose wisely," he said. "The clothes would never have fit you."
A pair of very virtuous paladins arranged a rendezvous so they could swap stories of good deeds done, foul monsters vanquished, etc. The first arrived at the meeting place, and a few minutes later the second showed up, riding on an unfamiliar horse. After a few words of greeting, the first paladin motioned towards the horse and said, "I can tell there's a story behind your new mount." The second paladin nodded and proceeded to tell the tale.
"On my way to our meeting, I was traveling through the woods and heard someone crying out for help. I raced forward and found a young maiden on horseback surrounded by a dozen goblins. I charged to her defense and slew all the goblins. The lass insisted that I take a reward of some sort, even though I told her that none was expected.
"She climbed down off the horse and peeled off all her clothes, leaving them in a pile by the horse. Then she slowly approached me. 'Take anything you desire from me,' she said in a strange, husky voice."
The first paladin looked at his comrade, then at the horse, and finally nodded.
"You chose wisely," he said. "The clothes would never have fit you."
Silver Moon
Adventurer
Not a joke, but a gaming related story that you might enjoy (some of you have probably already heard this one before):
My wife Kriskrafts and I never agree on what type of milk to purchase. She drinks skim milk, where as I always go for whole milk or 2%. As a result, we usually buy both kinds.
Shortly after our first child was born she decides to cook up a batch of brownies for the game. They come out of the oven just as the game is about to start, and she brings them in to the game room. The entire group digs in, and players start to comment about how good they are. Kris then says "And they're healthy for you too, because they were made with my milk." As the players begin to gag and spit out the food she realizes what she said, and explains that she meant skim milk.
My wife Kriskrafts and I never agree on what type of milk to purchase. She drinks skim milk, where as I always go for whole milk or 2%. As a result, we usually buy both kinds.
Shortly after our first child was born she decides to cook up a batch of brownies for the game. They come out of the oven just as the game is about to start, and she brings them in to the game room. The entire group digs in, and players start to comment about how good they are. Kris then says "And they're healthy for you too, because they were made with my milk." As the players begin to gag and spit out the food she realizes what she said, and explains that she meant skim milk.
Kae'Yoss
First Post
Then there's the other classic:
A couple of adventurers - a dwarf and a heavily loaded human walk the wilderness, when they suddenly see a bunch of orc barbarians coming over the hill. Of course, they charge immediately, and the two flee (as they're outnumbered). The human looks back, sees that they're gaining, and starts to open the straps that hold his pack.
So the Dwarf asks him: "What are you doing? Even without your loot you won't be faster than them!"
To which the Human replies: "But I'll be faster than you, and that's enough."
A couple of adventurers - a dwarf and a heavily loaded human walk the wilderness, when they suddenly see a bunch of orc barbarians coming over the hill. Of course, they charge immediately, and the two flee (as they're outnumbered). The human looks back, sees that they're gaining, and starts to open the straps that hold his pack.
So the Dwarf asks him: "What are you doing? Even without your loot you won't be faster than them!"
To which the Human replies: "But I'll be faster than you, and that's enough."
Dark Jezter
First Post
Great jobs, Dammero and Silver Moon. Your jokes both had me in stitches. 
Q: Why are dead elves buried 30 feet underground instead of 6?
A: Because deep down, they aren't really that arrogant.
Q: What do elves use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.
Q: Why does Luskan have bloodthirsty pirates and Silverymoon have elves?
A: Luskan got to pick first.
Q: What's brown and black and looks good on an elf?
A: A rottweiler.
Q: What is the inherent problem with elf jokes?
A: Elves don't think they're funny, and nonelves don't think they're jokes.
Q: Why are dead elves buried 30 feet underground instead of 6?
A: Because deep down, they aren't really that arrogant.
Q: What do elves use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.
Q: Why does Luskan have bloodthirsty pirates and Silverymoon have elves?
A: Luskan got to pick first.
Q: What's brown and black and looks good on an elf?
A: A rottweiler.
Q: What is the inherent problem with elf jokes?
A: Elves don't think they're funny, and nonelves don't think they're jokes.
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Kae'Yoss
First Post
3 Adventurers - a dwarf, a halfling and a gnome - meet the Druid-Hierophant of Obad-Hai. The Dwarf, Biffi (Stoneaxe) asks him "Does the Church of Obad-Hai have any dwarven nuns in the north?" And the other two start to grin. When he tells him that there are no dwarven nuns of Obad-Hai anywhere, the gnome and halfling start to chant "BIFFI **** A PENGUIN!! BIFFI **** A PENGUIN!! BIFFI **** A PENGUIN!!"
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