Judgement Round 1 Match 3 Berandor vs. Gabriel
Sorry these are going up late. Today was a hectic day at work with three people out sick, and I was still feeling ill as well.
Orchid Blossom
Gabriel – Day of the Goatsess
The idea here is great, and I like that we don’t know how or shy the goatmen appeared, or what they want. From the point of view of the characters in this story we wouldn’t know, and it’s better that we don’t when you come to the end.
Rather than writing this in a flashback format, I would have liked to have seen it written as it was happening. As a flashback we know the characters have at least made it to the point where someone can be telling the story and lose the tension of wondering. We’re curious, but not invested. We have a summary of how the group came together, and just at the moment where the reader fells “ah, here’s the story,” it ends.
The only thing that stopped me from reading smoothly through the story was the incongruity of the main character having time to tell a story as the characters are running for their lives. Sentences such as “I barely had the time to glance back as a shape hurtled past my desk and delivered a devastating head-butt to Peter’s skull, crushing it and killing him,” don’t read naturally. It’s a good descriptive sentence, but more comfortable as a third-person description. Someone just talking is more likely to say something like, “The thing flew by me and caved in Peter’s skull with a nasty head-butt.”
I’d also like to have a better idea of what not-pretty things the goatmen are willing to do, and the only clue we get is the head-butt. Not telling leaves it to the imagination, but we need a place to start. Something as simple as dried blood on the character’s shoes, a mention of vacant-eyed stares, or mentioning flows of red running into the sewers gives us an idea just how bad things are without being gory or graphic. Is it only people who put resistance who are hurt, or is it at the goatmen’s whim?
Each picture is used to demonstrate how someone was found, which are all important moments. The office picture doesn’t work as well, since it would occur in the moment before the important thing happens. Smitty’s picture is the strongest as it illustrates not only how the main character met him, but who and what he is.
I’d have happily read more of this story, but I’d like more not only at the end, but also in the middle.
Berandor – Seeing is Believing
It’s always amazing to see what different ideas people bring out of the same set of pictures. From Berandor we’re getting a bit of a noir feeling, more along the lines of Garrison Keeler’s Guy Noir than classic noir. Despite the mentions of t-shirts and shorts my mind insisted on imagining the people in this story in 1940’s clothes with ever-present cigarettes.
I always appreciate a story a bout someone’s internal journey, and this story was about Sam and how his perceptions change. Sam’s manner of talking pulls us in quickly, making us interested in what he has to say even if just to see how he’ll say it.
What doesn’t pan out well for me is why Sam decides to go out and help Forrest. We see early on that he is in the habit of helping out homeless people with money, and along with his inability to help Polly Walker we can see the story threads that are supposed to pull him there, but it doesn’t feel like enough.
It also felt a bit convenient for Forrest to be walking past the office just as Sam hears the news story. Is it the sight of him that is supposed to push Sam over the edge from sympathy to action?
The pictures work where they’re placed. Making the late Mr. Walker an inventor helps hint at the fan contraption ahead of time. Polly’s accordion playing demonstrates her desperation, and the office picture reflects the humor in the rest of the piece. The police picture is a bit peripheral even though it opens and closes the story. I think it feels like that because it should reflect Sam’s new willingness to at least consider the paranormal, something I didn’t buy into.
The story read smoothly and easily. I liked the character of Sam, who was a fun protagonist to follow. There was enough description to keep pictures in my mind, and the story avoided bogging down in details.
On the strength of picture use and a more rounded story, this one goes to Berandor.
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Herreman:
Berandor vs. Gabriel
And so after a quick clean up after last round’s events as well as a small degree of medical attention, I pressed ahead with festivities, addressing the group.
“This round sees the offerings of Gabriel and Berandor submitted for your…”
At the mention of “Gabriel” a shudder of fear rolled through the jury of imps. Several looked around nervously while others closed in tightly. All looked wide-eyed and completely spooked. I tapped ‘Lady Death’ against the altar with a dull ring to regain their attention but this only served to augment their nervous position.
“Infernal jury, it’s not THE Gabriel, so there is completely no need for nervous theatrics. It’s just some guy writing under a handle. Seriously, as if an angel would submit to being judged by you lot!” My reassurance and berating had little positive effect (if anything, harping on it distracted them further) and so with little choice, I pressed on.
“In terms of story, Gabriel has presented us with a short piece that immediately placed me in the “Dawn of the Dead” mindset except that rather than zombies, we had goatmen. Brilliance - I love it! The story then proceeds to how the group met up, slowly coalescing during an apocalyptic day. The tension then flags somewhat before the final sentence and threat from Shani’s cloven revealing. Unfortunately, what started out so well petered slightly as the story’s tension was allowed to waver. The ending was enough to provide a smile but little more. I would have liked to see things fleshed out (the setting, and Shani as a character in particular) with a little more immediate action rather than retrospectives - again show, don’t tell being the writer’s catchcry. Something was needed to increase the tension building up to that final sentence. All told though, a solid effort traversing an interesting set of images.”
“Berandor on the other hand has given us a fantastic tale of alien vagrants, police brutality and sardonic paranormal investigation. It circles strongly from its start to its completion and ends solidly without getting too syrupy sweet. For me, it’s those little interactions between the story’s various elements that give this story both depth and believability. Rather than simple/linear connections linking one story element to another, Berandor has produced a neat web of interactions, all within the intriguing context of paranormal investigations. Rather than having his story rigidly defined by the images, he has taken a step back, laid his foundation, and then drawn each of the images luxuriantly into his story’s weave. The images become important servants to the story rather than overbearing masters. All told, a very strong piece!”
“For those of you who feel Gabriel has provided you with greater enjoyment, step to the right while for those of you enamoured by Berandor’s effort, movement to the left will be your strongest means of indication. I waved my judging scythe in demand of jury deliberation to see an avalanche of support pile towards the left. As the dust settled and torches stopped flickering from the mass movement, we had a total of 24 imps on Berandor’s side leaving 13 imps on Gabriel’s.
While I thought this reflective, I did notice a trend in judgment. You see, there are three types of imps: those with horns or stubs, those without (clean-faced) and those who defy such simplistic classification. Our horny friends seem to have voted as a bloc on Gabriel’s side obviously finding a more personal and immediate connection to Gabriel’s darker use of goatmen compared to Berandor’s Madonna-loving interpretation. Imps are such fickle creatures.
“And so we progress onto the images.” I nodded towards the Gnopf, who with great energy started up his freshly-patched projector, conveying the image of an office environment and two employees upon the rear of my garage.
“Gabriel has used this as the final moments of Peter the co-worker before being head-butted by a flying goatman while Berandor has used the image to represent Sam sneaking out of his office. Gabriel has used the picture solidly while Berandor has drawn a little bit more. From a blind co-worker with unique fashion sense to his protagonists own “lack” of style; it is these little augmentations peppered throughout your piece that add further depth and even a strange verisimilitude to the story.”
I waved ‘Lady Death” once more and despite several arguments and raised voiced amongst the imps, the tally now registered 27 imps to 10 in Berandor’s favour. I glanced over to the Gnopf who was pouring an unnaturally illuminated fluid into his machine. With a little coaxing he pulled a lever and the image of riot police projected richly upon the garage. The Gnopf communicated several unintelligible words in my direction to which I nodded as if in understanding. He seemed happy enough with my response unaware of my complete incompetence in understanding him.
“Now Gabriel has used this as the turning point of the riot squad’s disbanding and the introduction of Smitty into their group, while Berandor has used it to hinge and frame his story. Allowing us a glimpse into the future, Berandor goes full circle returning to the image late, allowing the reader to fully appreciate the ramifications of the tale in between. While both images were strong, Berandor has incorporated this image as a good frame for the story, performing double duty.”
Again, I pressed the jury and again, there was a slight trickle from Gabriel’s supporters towards Berandor’s, the tally progressing to 29 to 8 in Berandor’s favour. It was at this point that a fight broke out in Berandor’s ranks. While entertaining to watch, I had to take my duty seriously and so with little warning I advanced with the scythe in hand. It appeared that a smaller imp had taken exception to one of the fat ones. Imps, quick to anger are notorious for this type of thing. With the scythe’s shadow momentarily distracting them, they pulled apart with much finger waving. Hey, that was easier than I thought it would be. ‘Lady Death’ gave me a pulse of pain reminding me to get things moving. She was hungry and tasted pretend celestial blood.
With a crunch, the Gnopf projected the image that dulled before illuminating too brightly. It was at this point that I noted his assistant, a small winged creature with two heads. He berated both heads with stinging language before picking up an implement, cracking it into the side of the device before grunting in approval at the corrected image - that of a smiling accordion-playing maiden and a dancing, t-shirt wearing goat.
“Gabriel has allowed this image to permeate and define his story to good effect. The clever derivation from dancing goat to goatmen invasion is well done with perhaps the only disappointment being the lack of further appearance of the accordion - the most effective weapon to date against the scourge. Still, this image helped define a strong opening for Gabriel’s piece.”
This engendered a level of applause and cheering from Gabriel’s supporting imps eager to coax some of their brethren back to the fold.
“Berandor has had to stretch to incorporate this image with adequate results. It is by no means forced but it does not contain the weight of the other three images. The use of a temporarily soul-shifted goat favouring Madonna was a little strained. I think that…”
At this point I felt an urgent tugging at my sleeve interrupting my spiel. I looked down to see a different imp that was not part of the jury. It must have been someone’s assistant or something… I looked around before bending down to attend to the interruption. It whispered several points of apparent cogency.
I straightened; made aware of something I had not previously been privy. “It would appear that it is common knowledge that all goat’s are partial to the music and lyrics of Madonna, a fact I was unaware of. As such I retract my previous statement in regards to Berandor’s use.” There were several snickers and derisive comments from the jury and court at my faux pas. As I tried to regain the ascendancy, further laughter ensued as something was thrown directly at me, impacting with my nose. The smell confirmed the projectile’s horrid composition.
“Well that’s it!” I stormed. I had intended only a firm explosion from the scythe. Instead, the concussive smack upon the granite altar was enough to issue a coruscating bolt of electricity directly into the worst of the offenders. The imp disappeared, apparently vaporised. I did my best not to register too much shock at the result while the rest of the imps looked at me again with renewed and enforced respect, firmly chastised for their insolence. Making quick use of a handkerchief, I resumed.
“And so for a decision on the previous image, please move in the direction of the contestant you favour.” With this, there was significant movement in both directions. A quick count made Berandor’s 24 to Gabriel’s 12 - a slight over-reaction to my mistake I believe. Wait up… I counted again but stopped midway realising why the jury weren’t adding up to thirty-seven and moved on with an embarrassed glance. This time the Gnopf pressed several buttons switching radically between the previous images of the night. With several frustrated growls he smacked the machine and to the applause of the jury, an image of a fan-propelled dork riding a scooter replete with helmet appeared in all its glory.
“Now in this final image, Gabriel has weakly connected it as the image of the hapless Todd. This was OK but a little more could have been made of it. I got the feeling it was more passing reference than not. The fact that Todd and the protagonist injured each other had little if any bearing on the story as a whole. I mean Todd’s dorkiness really could have been emphasised further than just being a burger flipper. Still, it was one of the tougher images in the set to incorporate and so on the whole, the picture-use was OK.”
“Berandor however digs deep and pulls out the goods - a rare diamond even, about the size of half a penny to be precise. If asked immediately upon viewing this image, I had been told that it was an alien vagrant about to successfully traverse his way to the other side of the universe, I would have laughed and said that whoever thought as much was a confused churl of the most easily impressed quality. Well what do I know huh? I have been converted well and truly. I will have the Thames dredged to prove it such is my conviction. This is highly impressive use that ends up propelling [what a terrible pun] the whole story forward. Congratulations.”
And with a final wave, the imps grumble amongst themselves eyeing me off as they attend their final position.
“It would appear that our jury has come to a decision awarding Gabriel’s celestial soul (pretend or otherwise) to ‘Lady Death’. Berandor wins 29 imps to 7. Congratulations though to both our contestants.”
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Yangnome:
Round 1 Match 3
Berandor vs. Gabriel
Gabriel –
Story:
Day of the Goatsees (E03)
Good start for your first CDM. Not only did you not let the pictures phase you, but you finished your story and turned it in quickly.
There’s an old mantra in writing that people drag out over and over again: “show, don’t tell”. It’s an easy trap to fall into and here, you failed your reflex save. You put together an interesting concept for the story, but then decided to have the narrator tell the story during a chase scene. This leads to a few problems. First, you are telling the story, which make it a lot harder for the reader to invest himself in it. Second, because you cut back and forth between the present chase scene and the past, it’s easy to get lost. There were a few times in the story where I got lost. If you want to flash around in a story, it might be a good idea to give the reader some clue that you are switching. I think if you went back and wrote this story in chronological order, your story would have been a lot more compelling.
Some character development for at least one or two of the characters could have really pulled this story into a winner. I didn’t feel invested in any of the characters. I would have liked to see a bit more action and participation from Nora. You pulled a surprise ending here, revealing her goat feet, but there was no build up to make the ending pay off.
Picture Use:
Overall, I think your picture use was ok. You took the goat picture and made it a major premise of the story. Your use of the other pictures was good too, though the collision with the fan didn’t make much sense and felt squeezed in.
Berandor:
Story:
Seeing is Believing
I like the fact that you started this story off with a picture. It got things going right away and made for an interesting start. I also like that you framed the story in this scene.
This story is missing something for me. You use a well developed voice, the story reads well. Still, it seems to lack heart or magic. I’ve seen you pull off the Noir investigator story a couple times now and this was my least favorite one. It seemed to lack some soul.
I also had a hard time buying into the skeptic with a change of heart. I know that this type story can work, but the change occurred too rapidly without motivation. It might have been interesting to see the narrator as sympathetic from the start, or some incident to cause him to change his mind and believe Forrest.
Speaking of Forrest, as a small aside, I didn’t like the “Run, Forrest, Run line.” It pulled me out of the story, then distracted me every time I saw the name in the story after that. You did have strong characterization of your narrator and side characters.
Picture Use:
Overall, it seemed that your picture use was mixed, and this might be where the lack of heart feeling comes from. It seems that you wrote the story around the pictures rather than letting the pictures illustrate your story. Maybe this is my fault for a tough round of pictures. You did pull out a lot of nuances from the pictures though (the blind boss)
Decision: Berandor
3-0 decision for Berandor, congratulations see you in the next round. Good job Gabriel, I hope you stick with CDM.
