Ceramic DM Winter 07 (Final Judgment Posted)
- Thread starter yangnome
- Start date
Rodrigo Istalindir
Explorer
yangnome said:
So, does that mean your transition to LE is almost complete?
Congrats
Graywolf-ELM
Explorer
I'm looking forward to reading the next round.
GW
GW
Hypersmurf
Moderatarrrrh...
Piratecat said:
Interesting how the ending can totally change the story.
I came across an example of this recently, when I discovered that David Gerrold's "Starhunt (Previously published as Yesterday's Children)" was not, in fact, the same as Yesterday's Children.
Starhunt's plot, summarised:
[sblock]Interstellar war; old rickety warship with a captain who's essentially been put out to pasture, and an eager firecracker of a first officer who's yet to see combat. Their patrol route is supposed to be a 'milk run', but they've detected a hint of a sensor trace of an enemy ship, and the first officer convinces the captain to go in pursuit.
After weeks of chase, the engineer starts to suspect that the sensor trace is in fact just interference from mismatched components; there's no ship after all. At one point, we have a scene where the first officer smashes the sensor officer out of his chair, and begins obsessively running and rerunning search patterns.
The captain finally declares enough is enough, and they head back towards the base; as the engineer predicts, the sensor ghost reappears, this time following them. The first officer continues to drill the crew relentlessly.
When they're nearly back to base, and everyone but the first officer has stopped believing there was ever an enemy ship at all, it swoops in and attacks, but thanks to all the drilling, the crew win the engagement despite the surprise.[/sblock]
In the original, Yesterday's Children:
[sblock]The story ends with the first officer sitting in the sensor officer's chair, running his plots over and over in vain, as the sensor officer lies on the floor bleeding...[/sblock]
It really changes everything that comes before, having that ending different...
-Hyp.
yangnome
First Post
Round One - Match Five
tadk vs. questing gm
Orchid Blossom
Tadk – P. S., Transversed
I’ve read through this story a couple times now, and I wish I could do so a couple more before making comments.
The language is stunning. You mentioned that poetry is really your preference and I can see that. Poetry requires an ability in the mind to jump from one concept to a related one while cutting out all the thoughts that got you there. The story, while taking advantage of the more verbose form to give use a rich picture, is still asking us to make poetical leaps. For myself, that meant I spent a lot of time confused.
Any real movement of the plot doesn’t happen until about halfway through, and at that point I was already feeling a little lost in the hypnotism of the first couple pages. I found myself having to go back and reread, trying to pick of plot threads I thought I’d missed.
This takes place in a world gone wrong. Something unknown happened and changed the world overnight, and PS is looking for answers. When I reached the end, after the other members of the crew chastised him, I began to wonder if the confusion of the rest of the story was meant to reflect PS’ state of mind. If we were inside it and he was just as confused as everyone else, so that we felt what he felt. Thus my desire to read this a few more times to see if I got it right.
The slug eating picture was well-used, illustrating just how wrong the world had gone. The picture of the long line of women was too clean to really reflect what you wanted, but the spaceship storefront lent the sense of weird you were looking for. The picture of TM and the tall geek was a little odd, but was one of the things that made me wonder if PS was as messed up in the head as the rest of the world.
Questing gm – Untitled
I love how you aren’t afraid to mix their fantasy and the modern day, and to really go urban modern with it. The piece itself is very short, so it reads like a summary of a longer story. Outline might be a better description.
You have everything there you need, there just wasn’t much in between. Every place you’re taking the story is foreshadowed or explained. We know about the druid, so it isn’t surprising with she has an idea how to heal someone, and we’re told why she’d come along. The idea of dwarves inventing rock and making it a guild is great, and having human hangers on is funny, and all explained. The trouble comes in that it’s all thrown at the ready rapid fire, without a chance to get comfortable and get to know the characters.
On a purely technical note, there are some problems with tense and plurals that a good proofing would fix. (Hard to do when you only have 72 hours to turn the story out.)
The eating of the green, slimy thing is your best picture use, relating directly to something happening to one of the characters that will save his life. The other three show us the environment the story takes place in, but doesn’t really expand on what’s happening to the characters.
I’m going to cast my vote for tadk this round, on the strength of language and mood. While questing gm’s story was clearer, tadk’s still felt more complete even with my confusion.
Herremann-
Well it’s a smaller night tonight with only two judgments to be made and four offerings to be received. Her Ladyship seems well pleased with the current pace although her appetite still seems to be without end. With everything at the ready I began the judgment.
“If our two imps of high repute may bring the first of our offerings forward, we shall begin.” The first imp dressed finely in velvet hues of black and cerise brought forth a weighty offering with an apparent look of smugness. I waited for the other to appear but in this it failed. I tapped ‘Lady Death’ urgently to rouse the imp from either hiding or slumber but to no effect. Just as I was about to intone words of dark purpose, one of Her servants politely sought my attention informing me of several facts of pertinence before handing me a pile of soggy handwritten papers.
“It would appear that our second offering of the match has been delayed. However, because of a loophole in the rules of competition, tadk has graciously allowed his opponent to submit late. I have been handed a copy of this offering and so will use that instead.” How the hell the imp would have a copy of a submission that had not even been submitted yet, I have no idea. I guess they have methods at their disposal beyond mortal understanding.
“And so Infernal Jury we have two rather different offerings to consider. tadk has given us a pastiche of images broadly sprayed with descriptive paint and colour; of a man once the focus of his cause, but who had been defeated, unable to realise the dreams that he had once dreamt. questing gm on the other hand has knocked together a humourous tale pitting the evil cultists of Smik against The Guild of Rock.”
“I find myself swaying backwards and forwards in indecision. What do I make out of the images tadk has provided us with? Is this dribble or brilliance, conveyed with colours too bright or too real? Having read the piece one more time, I am going to cautiously tip the hat on the side of brilliance. The language is completely evocative if almost too so. One cannot help but be taken to the Thai gutters and the lives of the downtrodden. Equally compelling, one can hear all too clearly PS’ flagellant voice, of one who has failed, of one who has lost faith. Of one seeking an imperfect epiphany but, instead is rewarded with nothing. If you listen, you can here a soul being torn apart.”
At this point, the imps looked completely bored with my commentary and the offering, although they held their impulses in check. I had given them dire warning before this evening and they were wary.
“However, is this enjoyable to read? Should it be enjoyable to read? Perhaps the only thing I can say on this matter is that it is not readily accessible. Again though, should it be? Such is my indecision. While all too ready to impatiently dismiss it, in the end I could not. As such good jury, I ask of you to consider this piece more deeply when making your decision.”
The jury were strangely silent - of their motives I could not be sure.
“questing gm has attempted as best as possible a fantasy interpretation of images ill-suited to such treatment. Grammatically, this piece felt rushed and it should be penalised accordingly, however, there is enough of a strange story there, that it should not be instantly dismissed. Where as tadk’s piece has eventually worked for me, this one has not. With time slipping past, the conclusion was rushed and snipped, barely adding anything to a slim plot. There are moments of clarity and humour but on the whole, there is simply no golden thread; there is no spine turning a series of events into an actual story. Ceramic DM is difficult enough joining images together without the pressure of time as well. But even with this difficulty, the basic elements of plot should be adhered to so as to create an element of tension and resolve, otherwise there is little satisfaction for the reader.”
“As such good jury, I will need you to adjudicate either to the left in supporting tadk or to the right and questing gm.”
The imps eager to be doing something piled to the left although as if releasing energy too long held, there was movement backward and forward finally settling upon a tally of twenty-one imps to tadk and fourteen to questing gm. I tapped the scythe in recognition of the movement.
“Now for the moment I have been waiting for. It has come to my attention that some of the judging imps have been in possible discussion with competitors. However as I have not been able to ascertain which ones [I frowned at a nearby imp who had been directed to assist me with the matter - he simply shrugged his shoulders in bewilderment], I have instead asked the Gnopf to take a random selection as an instructive warning to all of you in dealing with any mortals aside from my good self.”
The Gnopf aware of my plans immediately moved forward taking two random imps off of each side before loading the hapless creatures into his reserve projector. There was a ruckus cut short by my slamming ‘Lady Death’ into the altar with suitable detonation. I nodded to him to begin and with a careful degree of thought and aiming, a sharp pop had an imp flying headfirst into the back of the garage wall. Within seconds, a satisfying blood-red pattern of a person about to eat something bad appeared. The imp failed to get up.
“Now tadk has used this image in the most intriguing manner. While open for interpretation, the eating of the snail seems to represent the imperfect freedom that PS once followed and supported but by stories end has come to see as abhorrent and wrong. Strangely evocative use of the image if you poke a little further and see the act as disgusting and only one that the poor and downtrodden would need to resort to anyway. Maybe I’m reading too much into this but it certainly made me think beyond the immediate presentation so full marks there.”
“questing gm has humorously used the green blob [I thought it radioactive snot myself] as Chlorofilth, an all-purpose curative that tastes like candy. Now this is the thing, what does that ellipsis mean at the end? Does it taste like candy… and then he dies from it or, does it taste like candy… and yeah, it’s kind of sweet… ha ha boom tish? A little clarification or signage here would have been good (adding further to the dominant but not necessarily supreme use of the image). Anyway good jury, once again, clarify your position.”
The imps down some of their number responded with several shifts giving tadk the edge, twenty-one to ten… no wait, the collapsed imp has been moved and propped into position so that makes eleven. I nodded to the Gnopf for his next offering and the machine spluttered an oversize imp into the fence (the garage was being cleaned by a crew of daemons). The gnopf got angry at his machine for the poor trajectory and image and started twisting all manner of apparatus upon it. The colourful scene of a couple of metal heads gathering was subdued slightly by poor aiming except for the grossly enlarged crotch on the taller guy.
“For tadk, these are the misfits PS was once representative of. It is a quick snapshot of the group as they assemble to hear the “words of wonder” and perhaps does them a greater disservice than tadk intends. However, the image is not really expanded upon and so does not bring anything additional to the piece. questing gm sees this as Crotek and Phelix from the Rocker’s Guild. To me this was pretty funny as although the image was not taken as far as it should have been, it was still able to give us a funny visual of the two primary characters. I thought this really could have been hammed up further than it was (sustaining the piece and allowing suitable plot elements to be explored) but heh, it was not exactly that easy to pull off either.”
Again I tapped the altar and in response I was given a result of Twenty One to Twelve, the fat imp projectile having bounced several times and assumed position amongst tadk’s mob.
“Now good Gnopf for the third in our series of images.”
An imp bullet blasted out of the machine at highest velocity spraying the wall with fluid before collapsing. The image in fact was a little thin as if the imp had “run out of ink” so to speak. ‘Lady Death’s assistant flew over to the creature pronouncing it dead with the shake of a head. A quick scan revealed that this must have been the same imp cannoned during the previous judgment. The Gnopf had come over to me as well showing that the final imp in his projector had perished when the machine exploded (there was little left of the reserve projector or imp so I nodded sympathetically towards the Gnopf). Still, the jury were able to see a line of Asian Women and a separate line of men with what looked a temple off to the side.
“tadk has used this fairly well incorporating it into the ‘downtrodden’ of Thailand and thus the whole journey to the East for PS. The use mirrors the divide between haves and have-nots. However, I felt that there was something missing here, as if tadk had gained a simple whiff from the visual before exhaling a myriad of images, not all totally related. As such suitable use but not truly spectacular.”
“questing gm has used this as the entry to the Smik Cult for the many who had gathered there. Let’s be honest here, this was pretty soft use of the image. Again, the picture is used but nothing happens. Good jury, once again demonstrate your inclinations.”
And so the jury now down to thirty-three assembled once more in tadk’s favour twenty-two to eleven. Seeing the way the wind was blowing, I tapped the scythe once more and this time, our regular projector was back in action - the reserve projector destroyed beyond possible repair. The court saw a picture of a hairdresser’s salon decorated with of all things a rocket.
“Now for me, this picture was the golden image of the match but neither offering was able to take significant advantage of it. For tadk, it was the bohemian address for his gang of weirdos while for questing gm, it was the actual temple of Smik. While tadk was able to breath a little life into this, I thought questing gm struggled. On this note I shall say no more and allow the imps to finish the judgment. Imps… move!”
The imps tottered in a couple of directions but eventually; they gave the match to tadk without too much harassment - twenty-three imps to ten. I clanged ‘Lady Death’ against the altar registering the final result. This was a strange match-up for me but in the end, I agree with the imps giving the result to tadk and his fascinating piece. Commiserations to questing gm as well as thanks for actually handing a piece in. It would have been easier to give up and not post; but you got it in only slightly late so thank you.
Yangnome-
Tadk- P.S., Trasversed
Your imagery in language is fantastic. I really, really loved the first part of this story, up through the paragraph that started “down far below”. This description for me was really reminiscent of Steinbeck’s intro to Cannery Row.
After this portion of the story though, I got lost in the language. The flowery prose is fine to an extent, and I think it can definitely be a strength in certain circumstances, but after too much, your story got lost in it. You set a beautiful setting, but I didn’t feel it had followed through. I would have liked to see you throttle back on the poetic language and tell your story once you introduced the setting and P.S.
I felt your picture use was mixed. When I read this, I forgot what pictures you used, so I had to flip back to look at them with each reference. The first picture you used was great. The rest, not so great. The main problem was that the pictures are supposed to illustrate important parts of the story. Here, none of these seemed important enough to the story as to deserve illustration. This might have to do with what I mentioned above about your story getting lost in your language.
My advice to you is to take that first few paragraphs and turn it into something. Use the CDM pics or not, but take them and use the setting as a foundation for a story. Step away from the poetry and tell a story. It is ok to indulge yourself here and there with it, but don’t lose the story in the language.
questing gm-
This is a really interesting setting you came up with, something that definitely could be used for a fun satire. You hint at a number of things that make me giggle while reading it. However, you never really get around to telling a story. You hint at an interesting setting and briefly introduce us to a couple of characters. Get them involved in something that has meaning for them and throw some conflict in their path. There are a lot of fun ideas that I think you could develop into something cool and original.
Your picture use was strong for the most part in terms of description within your piece. You managed to integrate parts of each picture into your larger work. However, you were never able to unite them into a common “story” as discussed above.
My vote is for tadk. Tadk wins this round 3-0 and advances to the next round.
tadk vs. questing gm
Orchid Blossom
Tadk – P. S., Transversed
I’ve read through this story a couple times now, and I wish I could do so a couple more before making comments.
The language is stunning. You mentioned that poetry is really your preference and I can see that. Poetry requires an ability in the mind to jump from one concept to a related one while cutting out all the thoughts that got you there. The story, while taking advantage of the more verbose form to give use a rich picture, is still asking us to make poetical leaps. For myself, that meant I spent a lot of time confused.
Any real movement of the plot doesn’t happen until about halfway through, and at that point I was already feeling a little lost in the hypnotism of the first couple pages. I found myself having to go back and reread, trying to pick of plot threads I thought I’d missed.
This takes place in a world gone wrong. Something unknown happened and changed the world overnight, and PS is looking for answers. When I reached the end, after the other members of the crew chastised him, I began to wonder if the confusion of the rest of the story was meant to reflect PS’ state of mind. If we were inside it and he was just as confused as everyone else, so that we felt what he felt. Thus my desire to read this a few more times to see if I got it right.
The slug eating picture was well-used, illustrating just how wrong the world had gone. The picture of the long line of women was too clean to really reflect what you wanted, but the spaceship storefront lent the sense of weird you were looking for. The picture of TM and the tall geek was a little odd, but was one of the things that made me wonder if PS was as messed up in the head as the rest of the world.
Questing gm – Untitled
I love how you aren’t afraid to mix their fantasy and the modern day, and to really go urban modern with it. The piece itself is very short, so it reads like a summary of a longer story. Outline might be a better description.
You have everything there you need, there just wasn’t much in between. Every place you’re taking the story is foreshadowed or explained. We know about the druid, so it isn’t surprising with she has an idea how to heal someone, and we’re told why she’d come along. The idea of dwarves inventing rock and making it a guild is great, and having human hangers on is funny, and all explained. The trouble comes in that it’s all thrown at the ready rapid fire, without a chance to get comfortable and get to know the characters.
On a purely technical note, there are some problems with tense and plurals that a good proofing would fix. (Hard to do when you only have 72 hours to turn the story out.)
The eating of the green, slimy thing is your best picture use, relating directly to something happening to one of the characters that will save his life. The other three show us the environment the story takes place in, but doesn’t really expand on what’s happening to the characters.
I’m going to cast my vote for tadk this round, on the strength of language and mood. While questing gm’s story was clearer, tadk’s still felt more complete even with my confusion.
Herremann-
Well it’s a smaller night tonight with only two judgments to be made and four offerings to be received. Her Ladyship seems well pleased with the current pace although her appetite still seems to be without end. With everything at the ready I began the judgment.
“If our two imps of high repute may bring the first of our offerings forward, we shall begin.” The first imp dressed finely in velvet hues of black and cerise brought forth a weighty offering with an apparent look of smugness. I waited for the other to appear but in this it failed. I tapped ‘Lady Death’ urgently to rouse the imp from either hiding or slumber but to no effect. Just as I was about to intone words of dark purpose, one of Her servants politely sought my attention informing me of several facts of pertinence before handing me a pile of soggy handwritten papers.
“It would appear that our second offering of the match has been delayed. However, because of a loophole in the rules of competition, tadk has graciously allowed his opponent to submit late. I have been handed a copy of this offering and so will use that instead.” How the hell the imp would have a copy of a submission that had not even been submitted yet, I have no idea. I guess they have methods at their disposal beyond mortal understanding.
“And so Infernal Jury we have two rather different offerings to consider. tadk has given us a pastiche of images broadly sprayed with descriptive paint and colour; of a man once the focus of his cause, but who had been defeated, unable to realise the dreams that he had once dreamt. questing gm on the other hand has knocked together a humourous tale pitting the evil cultists of Smik against The Guild of Rock.”
“I find myself swaying backwards and forwards in indecision. What do I make out of the images tadk has provided us with? Is this dribble or brilliance, conveyed with colours too bright or too real? Having read the piece one more time, I am going to cautiously tip the hat on the side of brilliance. The language is completely evocative if almost too so. One cannot help but be taken to the Thai gutters and the lives of the downtrodden. Equally compelling, one can hear all too clearly PS’ flagellant voice, of one who has failed, of one who has lost faith. Of one seeking an imperfect epiphany but, instead is rewarded with nothing. If you listen, you can here a soul being torn apart.”
At this point, the imps looked completely bored with my commentary and the offering, although they held their impulses in check. I had given them dire warning before this evening and they were wary.
“However, is this enjoyable to read? Should it be enjoyable to read? Perhaps the only thing I can say on this matter is that it is not readily accessible. Again though, should it be? Such is my indecision. While all too ready to impatiently dismiss it, in the end I could not. As such good jury, I ask of you to consider this piece more deeply when making your decision.”
The jury were strangely silent - of their motives I could not be sure.
“questing gm has attempted as best as possible a fantasy interpretation of images ill-suited to such treatment. Grammatically, this piece felt rushed and it should be penalised accordingly, however, there is enough of a strange story there, that it should not be instantly dismissed. Where as tadk’s piece has eventually worked for me, this one has not. With time slipping past, the conclusion was rushed and snipped, barely adding anything to a slim plot. There are moments of clarity and humour but on the whole, there is simply no golden thread; there is no spine turning a series of events into an actual story. Ceramic DM is difficult enough joining images together without the pressure of time as well. But even with this difficulty, the basic elements of plot should be adhered to so as to create an element of tension and resolve, otherwise there is little satisfaction for the reader.”
“As such good jury, I will need you to adjudicate either to the left in supporting tadk or to the right and questing gm.”
The imps eager to be doing something piled to the left although as if releasing energy too long held, there was movement backward and forward finally settling upon a tally of twenty-one imps to tadk and fourteen to questing gm. I tapped the scythe in recognition of the movement.
“Now for the moment I have been waiting for. It has come to my attention that some of the judging imps have been in possible discussion with competitors. However as I have not been able to ascertain which ones [I frowned at a nearby imp who had been directed to assist me with the matter - he simply shrugged his shoulders in bewilderment], I have instead asked the Gnopf to take a random selection as an instructive warning to all of you in dealing with any mortals aside from my good self.”
The Gnopf aware of my plans immediately moved forward taking two random imps off of each side before loading the hapless creatures into his reserve projector. There was a ruckus cut short by my slamming ‘Lady Death’ into the altar with suitable detonation. I nodded to him to begin and with a careful degree of thought and aiming, a sharp pop had an imp flying headfirst into the back of the garage wall. Within seconds, a satisfying blood-red pattern of a person about to eat something bad appeared. The imp failed to get up.
“Now tadk has used this image in the most intriguing manner. While open for interpretation, the eating of the snail seems to represent the imperfect freedom that PS once followed and supported but by stories end has come to see as abhorrent and wrong. Strangely evocative use of the image if you poke a little further and see the act as disgusting and only one that the poor and downtrodden would need to resort to anyway. Maybe I’m reading too much into this but it certainly made me think beyond the immediate presentation so full marks there.”
“questing gm has humorously used the green blob [I thought it radioactive snot myself] as Chlorofilth, an all-purpose curative that tastes like candy. Now this is the thing, what does that ellipsis mean at the end? Does it taste like candy… and then he dies from it or, does it taste like candy… and yeah, it’s kind of sweet… ha ha boom tish? A little clarification or signage here would have been good (adding further to the dominant but not necessarily supreme use of the image). Anyway good jury, once again, clarify your position.”
The imps down some of their number responded with several shifts giving tadk the edge, twenty-one to ten… no wait, the collapsed imp has been moved and propped into position so that makes eleven. I nodded to the Gnopf for his next offering and the machine spluttered an oversize imp into the fence (the garage was being cleaned by a crew of daemons). The gnopf got angry at his machine for the poor trajectory and image and started twisting all manner of apparatus upon it. The colourful scene of a couple of metal heads gathering was subdued slightly by poor aiming except for the grossly enlarged crotch on the taller guy.
“For tadk, these are the misfits PS was once representative of. It is a quick snapshot of the group as they assemble to hear the “words of wonder” and perhaps does them a greater disservice than tadk intends. However, the image is not really expanded upon and so does not bring anything additional to the piece. questing gm sees this as Crotek and Phelix from the Rocker’s Guild. To me this was pretty funny as although the image was not taken as far as it should have been, it was still able to give us a funny visual of the two primary characters. I thought this really could have been hammed up further than it was (sustaining the piece and allowing suitable plot elements to be explored) but heh, it was not exactly that easy to pull off either.”
Again I tapped the altar and in response I was given a result of Twenty One to Twelve, the fat imp projectile having bounced several times and assumed position amongst tadk’s mob.
“Now good Gnopf for the third in our series of images.”
An imp bullet blasted out of the machine at highest velocity spraying the wall with fluid before collapsing. The image in fact was a little thin as if the imp had “run out of ink” so to speak. ‘Lady Death’s assistant flew over to the creature pronouncing it dead with the shake of a head. A quick scan revealed that this must have been the same imp cannoned during the previous judgment. The Gnopf had come over to me as well showing that the final imp in his projector had perished when the machine exploded (there was little left of the reserve projector or imp so I nodded sympathetically towards the Gnopf). Still, the jury were able to see a line of Asian Women and a separate line of men with what looked a temple off to the side.
“tadk has used this fairly well incorporating it into the ‘downtrodden’ of Thailand and thus the whole journey to the East for PS. The use mirrors the divide between haves and have-nots. However, I felt that there was something missing here, as if tadk had gained a simple whiff from the visual before exhaling a myriad of images, not all totally related. As such suitable use but not truly spectacular.”
“questing gm has used this as the entry to the Smik Cult for the many who had gathered there. Let’s be honest here, this was pretty soft use of the image. Again, the picture is used but nothing happens. Good jury, once again demonstrate your inclinations.”
And so the jury now down to thirty-three assembled once more in tadk’s favour twenty-two to eleven. Seeing the way the wind was blowing, I tapped the scythe once more and this time, our regular projector was back in action - the reserve projector destroyed beyond possible repair. The court saw a picture of a hairdresser’s salon decorated with of all things a rocket.
“Now for me, this picture was the golden image of the match but neither offering was able to take significant advantage of it. For tadk, it was the bohemian address for his gang of weirdos while for questing gm, it was the actual temple of Smik. While tadk was able to breath a little life into this, I thought questing gm struggled. On this note I shall say no more and allow the imps to finish the judgment. Imps… move!”
The imps tottered in a couple of directions but eventually; they gave the match to tadk without too much harassment - twenty-three imps to ten. I clanged ‘Lady Death’ against the altar registering the final result. This was a strange match-up for me but in the end, I agree with the imps giving the result to tadk and his fascinating piece. Commiserations to questing gm as well as thanks for actually handing a piece in. It would have been easier to give up and not post; but you got it in only slightly late so thank you.
Yangnome-
Tadk- P.S., Trasversed
Your imagery in language is fantastic. I really, really loved the first part of this story, up through the paragraph that started “down far below”. This description for me was really reminiscent of Steinbeck’s intro to Cannery Row.
After this portion of the story though, I got lost in the language. The flowery prose is fine to an extent, and I think it can definitely be a strength in certain circumstances, but after too much, your story got lost in it. You set a beautiful setting, but I didn’t feel it had followed through. I would have liked to see you throttle back on the poetic language and tell your story once you introduced the setting and P.S.
I felt your picture use was mixed. When I read this, I forgot what pictures you used, so I had to flip back to look at them with each reference. The first picture you used was great. The rest, not so great. The main problem was that the pictures are supposed to illustrate important parts of the story. Here, none of these seemed important enough to the story as to deserve illustration. This might have to do with what I mentioned above about your story getting lost in your language.
My advice to you is to take that first few paragraphs and turn it into something. Use the CDM pics or not, but take them and use the setting as a foundation for a story. Step away from the poetry and tell a story. It is ok to indulge yourself here and there with it, but don’t lose the story in the language.
questing gm-
This is a really interesting setting you came up with, something that definitely could be used for a fun satire. You hint at a number of things that make me giggle while reading it. However, you never really get around to telling a story. You hint at an interesting setting and briefly introduce us to a couple of characters. Get them involved in something that has meaning for them and throw some conflict in their path. There are a lot of fun ideas that I think you could develop into something cool and original.
Your picture use was strong for the most part in terms of description within your piece. You managed to integrate parts of each picture into your larger work. However, you were never able to unite them into a common “story” as discussed above.
My vote is for tadk. Tadk wins this round 3-0 and advances to the next round.
Herremann the Wise
First Post
Match 6 handed in, Match 7 to come - hopefully soon (within 4 hours otherwise tomorrow - late Wednesday your time).yangnome said:
Best Regards
Herremann the Wise
