Round One - Match Six
Rodrigo Istalindir vs. Drawmack
Drawmack – The Case of the Disappearing Husband
Ceramic DM seems to invite private-eye stories, I suppose because they’re people who are likely to see weird stuff. This story offered a feast of clever phrases and pithy comparisons, and as a language lover I definitely welcome those.
I find the 1940’s private eye narration fades after the first scene. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, as I found it becoming distracting in the beginning. I’d rather see some of the clever, fun private-eyeisms sprinkled throughout instead of concentrated so much in the beginning.
I wasn’t sure at the beginning what time period the story was in, since it was using the old style, but then Laura’s manner of speech and some of the references like “cancer stick” threw me. It wasn’t until the end of the first scene when a Suburban was mentioned that I knew we were in the modern day. I like the idea of mixing a genre so attached to one era into another, but a hint earlier on of when we are would have helped me concentrate better on what was going on.
The other matter that sticks in my mind is the file that Laura gave Jack. At first I wondered why she needed him if she already had all these names and numbers. She already knew about Iserpio, and probably some other things too. Surely if she knew these things there must be something else going on. Throughout the story I was waiting for the shoe to drop. I think I kept expecting that because there wasn’t much conflict in the story. Things went pretty well for Jack; he had the file, he managed to talk to everyone and get what he needed with little trouble. It made his comment at the end a little strange, since while he saw weird stuff, it didn’t seem stressful for him.
The pictures are used to give the scenes somewhere to take place, but aren’t necessarily integral to the story. Iserpio is strongest, giving us the idea that something weird is going on here, and that Karl was into some strange, strange stuff. The coffin picture illustrated that something wasn’t right, but it’s never explained what, or why no one questioned it. The people on the bench seem to be mostly a landmark, but don’t have bearing on the scene happening around them.
Rodrigo Istalindir – The Things We Do for Love
You jump right in with the action here, and it pulls the reader in with it. Your first scene is a great example of showing and not telling. There’s almost no dialogue, and we aren’t getting an explanation from Charlie’s narration, but the descriptions show us exactly what’s going on, if not why.
Two of the pictures are beautifully used. The owolf and the skeletal couple both introduce something that shows up again in the story, as well as being integral to the story in their initial appearance.
The coffin picture is fine, although not terribly important. What throws me there is that we just heard Paul talking to the Mounties, and in the next paragraph he’s dead. How did he die? I assume from his injuries, but except for mention of Charlie bandaging him we never had any idea of how serious they were. It’s possible he killed himself after his daughter ran off. (Ok, so I don’t really believe that, but since we don’t know it could be.) I think the picture would have felt more significant if the whole thing had become a major incident. Paul’s death from those wounds, if known to the public how he got them, would be the kind of scandal that throws political spin machines into overdrive. Although the story wouldn’t wander into that territory, the reader would accept that funeral as a very important event.
Sam is the only character here that I think gets shortchanged on development. There was enough that I was surprised by her taking Gretchen and running. We saw her being uncomfortable in trusting Charlie and appeared to want to take charge more than once. Where she doesn’t fit is in that last picture use. The mention of the mustache helps some, but the outfit just doesn’t seem “Sam”. My imagination wanted her in a stylish men’s suit, not lederhosen and odd make-up.
These are two interesting stories, both of which I enjoyed very much. For strong picture use and a nice, complete, well-styled story I’m calling this one for Rodrigo.
Herremann-
“And so continuing the evening’s festivities if we will. Please good imps provide for me the offerings from Rodrigo Istalindir and Drawmack and with some pace please.” Upon the instant, the two imps handed me two weighty offerings. With a tap of her Dark Grace, I began.
“Rodrigo has advanced us somewhat into the future with a tangled web of relationships as Charlie assists his ex and her partner to freedom and a new life. Drawmack has slid back in time in terms of feel into a world of Dames and PI’s and the case of a missing husband. Both are well presented so let’s take a closer look.”
“Rodrigo gives us a story of satisfying tension, as we slowly make sense of the fake suicide scene and the relationships between Charlie, Gretchen, Sam and Paul. The action at the cabin was then brilliantly scribed taking me right into the thick of it and the eventual tarnished success of the mission. The action here is incredibly well expressed providing a satisfying rush after the well paced and manipulated build up. The conclusion was like a pie cooling fresh out of the oven: nothing spectacular but satisfying all the same. All in all, I found this a very enjoyable story constructed with a deceptive degree of skill.”
“Drawmack has likewise given us a well-styled story of the case that had to be taken. I thought this highly enjoyable. You were able to maintain this style confidently for most of the piece so well done there. However, in terms of the story itself, after reading it a couple of times, there is something I couldn’t find convincing. If Karl and Ralph were trying so hard to stay hidden, why was this strange cast of people trying their hardest to help Jack find them? What’s so special about Jack?”
“In the end, I could not attach a true sense of wonder at the machinations involved. It ended up feeling more like a curious slide show, amusing filler but that was all. This is a shame as the conclusion while somewhat clipped was absolutely spot on. Perhaps if the trail Jack was following could have been reversed, with the final result being the dramatic image of Iserpio, more tension could have been induced. On the whole, great stuff in terms of style but in terms of structure and motive, it could have been stronger.”
“And so imps of the jury, cast your initial positions please for this judgment.” The imps seemed paralyzed by indecision as they slowly moved into position. Aside from a short series of clipped words between a few of the imps, the jury seemed happy to present Rodrigo with eighteen imps to Drawmack’s fifteen. I nodded to the Gnopf who clicked several levers into place upon his projector presenting the court with an image of two people, one a pretty girl and the other of indeterminate sex.
“Rodrigo has allowed this image to infuse his tale. As the eventual marriage photo sent to Charlie, it provides the motive for the tale of getting the same sex couple out of Dodge and into a new life across the border. Normally, the “photo” use gets a bad rap from the judges but because Rodrigo has in fact based the entire story on the eventual union of Gretchen and Sam, I thought this perfectly reasoned. To draw such significance out of a slightly tricky image was well done.”
“Drawmack’s use on the other hand while more immediate was weaker. The club scene was mildly amusing but seemed to unnecessarily pander to this image. The picture was quickly glanced over holding little significance. To get a particular story to fit, you have to sometimes do this so the use while nothing inspired was suitable. Good jury, progress to your newly defined positions please.”
The imps shuffled slightly, progressing the tally to twenty imps in Rodrigo’s favour leaving thirteen imps aligned with Drawmack. I nodded to the Gnopf for the next image and once again he was able to provide perfect service, an image of two sitting skeletons in partial embrace presented upon the back of my garage.
“Rodrigo has used this as the spark to get his story firing. The initial fake suicide scene presents several elements of confusion that the reader will seek to unravel. It also confirms the lengths Charlie will go to adding to his interesting characterisation. I felt this use quite strong, gluing several important elements of the story together. I like the way that Rodrigo is able to add depth to such a static image.”
“Drawmack has used this picture as the cemetery meeting place, confirming that Karl and Ralph are still alive. While an attempt has been made to supernaturalise the scene (lack of snow around the statues compared to other parts of the cemetery), the image is just a passing waypoint, not having further meaning that its most basic presentation.”
“Imps, your opinions once again are needed.” The imps seemed a little lethargic, with the tally updating to twenty-one imps to Rodrigo and twelve to Drawmack. I tapped ‘Lady Death’ to continue and once more the Gnopf was able to perfectly present the penultimate image: an owl with the head of a wolf.
“Now this was an image I had concerns about when yangnome selected it. I wondered what the hell the competitors would actually be able to do with it? Neither disappointed! Rodrigo has gone the futuristic route where the creatures are genetic creations to augment border security. I liked the way Rodrigo was able to induce significant tension with the creature. It’s appearance really turned the action-meter up a notch. Likewise Drawmack has unveiled Iserpio equally as a strange genetic mutant crafted by the devious power of SansLogik. I really liked this use and just wish that you could have garnered a little more momentum from its use. Rather than pushing Jack further into a web he could not escape from, the sense of danger was allowed to flag a little. Still, I have to say that both competitors strongly used this image. Imps, to your updated positions please!”
The imps clambered this way and that seeming to pick and choose between the two. Somewhat surprisingly, the momentum was swinging the other way back in Drawmack’s favour. Rodrigo’s lead was cut to nineteen imps to Drawmack’s fourteen. There must have been something in there that they really liked.
“And lastly,” I waved to the Gnopf, “we have the image of a…”
I tapped the scythe to further gain the Gnopf’s attention but he seemed to be in deep discussion with one of his sub-ordinates. I looked at him sternly but my gaze was dismissed. I moved towards him to see what the problem was. The Gnopf was listening to the strange tongue of a fey regarding the discourse with pure venom. The smarmy look upon the fey seemed to indicate the transgression of some contract or binding deal. The Gnopf looked most upset with the creature’s tenor, pulled out a contraption that glowed slightly before activating. The smarmy look of the fey turned slightly to one of concern. A small buzz and a pop later and the fey seemed to be pulled into the device, prisoner. The Gnopf pocketed the device, said a few unintelligible words to me and then activated the projector. He nodded as if confirming that I was allowed to continue. I simply shook my head and returned. The picture of a casket being carried by six men glowed brightly.
“This image is most likely Rodrigo’s weakest but it still provides a suitable ending to Paul, and how in the end, he did not betray his daughter. While adding some emotional weight, the picture was for all intention a snapshot. It is very difficult to make every image spectacular but heh. Drawmack uses this as the linchpin in the fake death of Karl. It is this that spurs the story forward, as all is not quite what it seems. From this point of view, I thought the image use quite strong. This picture was one I expected to be used well and so in the end, there were mixed results. Still imps of the jury, I will need your final accounting of the two submissions so if you please, a final result for the court.”
The imps laboured long realising that this could hand the match one way or the other. Each time there was overt movement from one or the other, another would counterbalance the move. I cracked the scythe to hurry them up and so in their final positions, we had Rodrigo Istalindir with eighteen imps to Drawmack’s fifteen. Congratulations to both our competitors. This was close to the strongest round so far. As for Drawmack though, ‘Lady Death’ awaits your pleasure.
Yangnome-
Rodrigo Istalindir-
You have a really tight story here, it was an enjoying read. I don’t have too much to comment on, but will make a few notes. I think you tried to explain the owolf too much. It took me out of the story. It definitely needed some explanation, since this is a near-future story, but I think you might have been able to do this in a smoother fashion. Maybe a reference to genetic crossbreeds earlier in the story or something would have worked, or just a shorter explanation. It seemed almost as if you were apologizing for it. The mention of the conyote took me out of the story too, since I had to figure out what you were talking about.
It would have been nice to see a bit more bout the relationship between Paul and Charlie. It would have made some of the interaction later in the story a bit more interesting. I was also surprised by Paul’s sudden death. One sentence, he’s cleared up problems with the Mounties, the next he is dead—at which point his political aspirations no longer matter. It may have worked better to mention that he was seriously wounded.
Picture use overall was strong. I think your best picture was the skeleton couple. Your weakest was the Gretchen and Sam wedding. There wasn’t really an explanation for the attire and though I was expecting the picture, it seemed out of place.
Drawmack-
You started with the weather. I know you’re doing a PI story, but instead of pulling me in, this pushed me out of the story. Then you follow up with detective cliché. I know you were trying to get the feel of the story, but it just didn’t work for me. I realize it is part of the shtick, but each bad simile pulled me back out of the story.
The part where you started talking about Karl and his strange experiments is where I started to get into the story. It felt like things were beginning to get interesting. Unfortunately it didn’t pay off. We get a brief meeting with Karl and Ralph, then are ushered away and Ralph is killed for some inexplicable reason. In doing this, you basically skirted around the conflict and the meat of the story.
As for picture use, I thought your strongest was the wowl. Iserpio was an interesting little character and I would have written it off as an everage use of a picture, but then you turned it into something more—a result of Karl’s experiments and why he’s on the lam. The skeletons were merely scenery and not really part of the story. I thought the couple picture was interesting, though not really an important use. It would have been interesting to find out why Karl was in this environment. Why was he surrounded by these people? The coffin was ok, but nothing very special about it.
I give this match to Rodrigo Istalindir for having a stronger story.
Rodrigo wins this round 3-0
![:]](http://www.enworld.org/forum/images/smilies/devious.png "Devious :]")
