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Ceramic DM Winter 07 (Final Judgment Posted)
- Thread starter yangnome
- Start date
Herremann the Wise
First Post
Any chance I can forward to your work to let these pour souls out of their misery?yangnome said:
Best Regards
Herremann the Wise
yangnome
First Post
Round 1 Match 6
MJF vs. CarpeDavid
Maxfieldjadenfox – No Experience Necessary
This story goes in the short and sweet category. But even though it only makes about four pages printed, it had just about everything it needed.
The first person narrative worked well for this story; I felt like I could look up from the paper and see Min Su sitting across from me sipping from a steaming cup of tea. Often, first person suffers from the author using language that’s more formal than a person would use if they were just sitting with you and talking. You avoided that, and that’s no mean trick.
Because each picture is used to illustrate a job and Min Su’s jobs are what finally lead her to the right one, each is important. The bikini skier and the leaf-woman work a little better for me, since the boat and the cockroach don’t have any action. The cockroach was probably the weakest in its placement, although it gets a little more importance because of her sympathy for the poor bugs later.
You gave us enough hints that the ending didn’t seem out of the blue, but I would have liked the foreshadowing to be a little stronger. I think it’s possible to do that without giving away the ending. I would have liked to know what Matsu was the goddess of earlier in the story. Knowing that when the ship capsizes would make an even stronger connection between Min Su and the goddess in that scene. If the birds in the trees and the enjoyment of the snow had gotten a little more weight I would have felt a little more satisfied at the end. You may have gone that purposely to show Min Su’s growth toward her eventual occupation, but that didn’t quite work for me.
The struggle to find out what you’re meant to do is one we’re all familiar with, and the story of Min Su’s journey made me smile.
carpedavid – A Late Aubade
This story starts out with a narrator that is hard to like, but the flashback to the tree shows us he wasn’t always what he is, and gives us hope that maybe he’ll remember that child. And of course the whole story shows us that maybe, just maybe he will. We don’t get that sense of , “All better” at the end, which would ring false in this story anyway, just a sense of him realizing it’s time to rethink a few things.
You effectively sketch in who he is, who he was, how he relates to people and the world without going into exposition mode.
All four pictures are strong. The leaf-woman is the strongest for me, but they all reflect something about Ryan’s life or the world that are important to know. I could go on for several paragraphs but I’ll spare you all. The giant bug was probably the weakest use for me, just because it exposes a fear of bugs we’ve already seen. It does show us just how big the things have gotten and leads us to how Ryan’s father died, but it doesn’t seem really related to the picture itself.
If I was an editor, I’m sure I could go through this and find little things that could improve it, but then you wouldn’t get a judgement until next week.
I don't feel like I did my job here, which is to give constructive criticism, but there just wasn't much to pick at in either story.
Although it’s probably obvious by now, carpedavid’s story really hit every note for me. This is a really tough match-up to judge, with both stories succeeding at their goals. For me, carpedavid takes this one.
Round One - Match Seven
carpedavid vs. maxfieldjadenfox
I was getting excited now; it was time for the final match of the first round. The court looked resplendent in their finery, the excitement of the final match of the round danced around the imps, fey and other creatures present. I stepped up to the altar with Her Dark Grace in hand.
“Members of the court and of course our Infernal Jury, it is my pleasure to conclude the first round with the final match between carpedavid and maxfieldjadenfox.” I nodded and the two imps dressed this time in delicate shades of navy and bisque advanced with firm and exact purpose to the altar. I then pressed the offerings to the stone granite to begin.
“Both carpedavid and maxfieldjadenfox have given us stories somewhere between tale and moral fable. It is interesting to see how a strong image can capture the imagination so readily (as image two - the leaf lady - does).”
“carpedavid’s tale stretches several decades from corporate eco-terrorist, and back in time to innocence and a child’s love of nature, symbolised by an ash tree. It is the conflict between these two fantastically presented sides of Ryan that pushes the story forward; to see whether the child was still inside or whether Ryan was but a husk, with any such memory burnt from his being. I think more than anything else carpedavid has given us a beautiful lesson in pacing. It was the natural and exquisite joining of each of the story’s parts that neatly progresses the story to its satisfying conclusion that had me smiling as I read this one again and then again particularly looking at this aspect. While the conclusion did seem inevitable, there was still a beauty to it that resounded nicely, even after finishing the piece. Congratulations on such a well polished and paced entry.”
“maxfieldjadenfox has also gone for a nature-inspired piece under the guise of employment searching. While at first, this seemed a little bit aimless going from one job to the next and to the next, in the end it was saved by a good conclusion giving meaning to what had gone before. On the whole, I did enjoy this but I’ll point back to carpedavid’s story and how he introduced tension with a childhood flashback. Likewise, this story needed some measure of tension to sustain it. It never really felt like Min Su was ever really in trouble of becoming destitute. Finding employment seemed easy enough as was getting a passport and the money to go to the US. If this had have been more of a struggle, I believe your piece overall would have been stronger for it. Still, an enjoyable and satisfying entry.”
“Good imps, I will strike ‘Lady Death’ thrice, after which I demand of you to find your opening positions for the match. Step to your left for carpedavid or to the right if you wish to align yourselves with maxfieldjadenfox’s fate.”
After a firm series of tapping, the imps finally coalesced into two divisions, nineteen imps to fourteen in carpedavid’s favour. The Gnopf had provided a strange attachment to the projector and as he powered up the machine, this attachment whirred with conviction. An image of a partially sunken boat graced the back of my garage.
“carpedavid has used this image in capable fashion. The boat represents what has happened to the world since Ryan’s childhood. With his hometown flooded, this image represents that whole global warming/ sea rising phenomena. It is with some skill that this permeates the entire piece so well, so as not to be just a simple snapshot. As such, well done. maxfieldjadenfox has also capably used this with the sinking of Min Su’s fine rusted vessel. This was humorously done but at the same time, I was able to get a stronger feeling for her growing attachment to Matsu. As such good use as well.”
I tapped the scythe with the imps progressing to a new position of eighteen carpedavid imps to maxfieldjadenfox’s fifteen! The gap was closing and there seemed to be strong disagreement between the two groups of imps. I thought carpedavid did enough to hold or even extend his position but these imps thought otherwise. I nodded and our next image of a strangely leafed woman appeared, glowing brightly. The Gnopf seemed most satisfied with his new attachment.
“Now this image was by far the strongest of the group. Incorporating it bent both offerings towards an eco-friendly tale/fable. carpedavid’s mysterious lover tempting Ryan back to his childhood, a final realisation of what he had wrought while for maxfieldjadenfox, it was the realisation of Matsu and the Green Man’s hidden influence upon Min Su’s life. While she thought herself an orphan, this image represented her “adoption” to her “real” parents. I thought this a very strong use of a difficultly strong image. Please good imps, advance your positions once more.”
The imps seemed to pile onto maxfieldjadenfox’s side but then there was an equal balancing back to carpedavid. With but a few stragglers finally deciding upon their new positions, a tally of seventeen to carpedavid and sixteen to maxfieldjadenfox was presented as I tapped her Dark Grace in recognition. Wow, this was getting much closer than I imagined! The Gnopf sensing need for progression filtered a picture of a strange trio of bikini clad skiers. There were numerous giggles at the ridiculous image.
“Now this was in some ways, the most difficult image of the match. Incorporating it must have screwed with our contestant’s heads and as such; I’ll be gentle because I thought neither use was strong. Still to actually include the piece without derailing either story was an effort in itself. carpedavid uses this to introduce Ryan’s lover and eventual saviour while for maxfieldjadenfox, the skiing troupe is just another job to be fired from. Really, neither overly inspired but kudos anyway to both for using it at all. Imps?”
The imps threatened to move one way or the other but in the end, not a single move was made. The balance of 17 to 16 in carpedavid’s favour held. “And finally for the final image of the final match of the first round, we have… a large bug on a business roof”. The imps cooed in pleasure at the strange sight.
“On first glance, neither offering seems to outdo the other in using this. While maxfieldjadenfox uses this as another employer, carpedavid, relates this back to his primary theme as well. Giant bugs caused by a radical decline in the frog population was somewhat novel. How to split them? Perhaps in the end because carpedavid has used this as an actual bug rather than just the snapshot as presented, our good jury will find in his favour? The suspense is killing me so please imps, you have seen the offerings, seek your final positions for the match and round!”
The imps looked carefully this way and that. One moved from carpedavid’s side to maxfieldjadenfox’s causing a high degree of tension. Would this be their final positions? It was then that that large bastard of an imp launched himself from carpedavid’s side over to maxfieldjadenfox’s as well. However, his mood was determined as he grabbed as many imps as he could and started dragging them back to carpedavid’s. The fight was on as the two group’s met in a melee worthy of a final. I let them express their angst for a while before giving the scythe one almighty crack. The imps checked themselves immediately, their numbers strewn across my backyard. They seemed concussed by the thunderous explosion long enough that I was able to work out a tally.
“It appears that our final match of the round has gone to…carpedavid by eighteen imps to fifteen. Congratulations to both our competitors but in the end, I suppose the stronger story won out. maxfieldjadenfox, I believe she is calling you once more to her fickle blade. Know though that this time, I believe you are providing her with a much tastier meal.
Maxfiled Jadenfox-
Interesting story. I liked your voice through here, it was pleasant and easy to read, which fit well with this story. I think I might have changed the tense of the story though as it was a bit distracting in a couple places.
You tied together a number of jobs, represented by each picture (which you didn’t label). I felt that this was a bit cheap as it made them a lot easier to string together. Still, it was an interesting approach, and I was happy it wasn’t another PI story . I didn’t feel that there was enough tension or conflict in the story though. You certainly presented problems along the way, and you resolved them in the end, but it didn’t really hook me into the story or Min Su’s plight. Sure, she had bad luck, but it would have been nice to dig a little deeper, especially if you are going to have a string of scenes.
Your picture use was strong overall. We see each of them as a point of bad luck (except the last one) in Min Su’s life. The descriptions matched the pictures very literally and you didn’t really turn any of them into something unexpected.
Overall, good job, as I said above, it was a pleasant read.
CarpeDavid-
I really enjoyed this story. I like the “marketing for the bad guy” theme and you pulled it off well. You also managed to pull off a solid down ending to the story. Your imagery was strong throughout the story and you led up to each picture, they definitely worked well as illustrations for a story that would stand well on its own without them. None of them felt forced.
I do think there were a couple things you could have done that would have made the story work better for me. The mention of the glacier in Colorado was a bit shocking , as up until that point, I thought we were reading a story in the modern day—this also doesn’t match too well with the global warming theme (not as I understand it at least). Second, I might have made mention of the tugboat, or at least the size of the lake earlier in the story. I hadn’t pictured the lake as being that big when reading it, so the tug boat didn’t really fit for me when you got to it. This was the only picture that felt a bit forced to me. I would go on further, but there isn’t too much more to say. Great job.
I have to give this round to Carpedavid. While both were good stories, he presented a solid story that weaved the pictures together well.
CarpeDavid wins this round 3-0
MJF vs. CarpeDavid
Maxfieldjadenfox – No Experience Necessary
This story goes in the short and sweet category. But even though it only makes about four pages printed, it had just about everything it needed.
The first person narrative worked well for this story; I felt like I could look up from the paper and see Min Su sitting across from me sipping from a steaming cup of tea. Often, first person suffers from the author using language that’s more formal than a person would use if they were just sitting with you and talking. You avoided that, and that’s no mean trick.
Because each picture is used to illustrate a job and Min Su’s jobs are what finally lead her to the right one, each is important. The bikini skier and the leaf-woman work a little better for me, since the boat and the cockroach don’t have any action. The cockroach was probably the weakest in its placement, although it gets a little more importance because of her sympathy for the poor bugs later.
You gave us enough hints that the ending didn’t seem out of the blue, but I would have liked the foreshadowing to be a little stronger. I think it’s possible to do that without giving away the ending. I would have liked to know what Matsu was the goddess of earlier in the story. Knowing that when the ship capsizes would make an even stronger connection between Min Su and the goddess in that scene. If the birds in the trees and the enjoyment of the snow had gotten a little more weight I would have felt a little more satisfied at the end. You may have gone that purposely to show Min Su’s growth toward her eventual occupation, but that didn’t quite work for me.
The struggle to find out what you’re meant to do is one we’re all familiar with, and the story of Min Su’s journey made me smile.
carpedavid – A Late Aubade
This story starts out with a narrator that is hard to like, but the flashback to the tree shows us he wasn’t always what he is, and gives us hope that maybe he’ll remember that child. And of course the whole story shows us that maybe, just maybe he will. We don’t get that sense of , “All better” at the end, which would ring false in this story anyway, just a sense of him realizing it’s time to rethink a few things.
You effectively sketch in who he is, who he was, how he relates to people and the world without going into exposition mode.
All four pictures are strong. The leaf-woman is the strongest for me, but they all reflect something about Ryan’s life or the world that are important to know. I could go on for several paragraphs but I’ll spare you all. The giant bug was probably the weakest use for me, just because it exposes a fear of bugs we’ve already seen. It does show us just how big the things have gotten and leads us to how Ryan’s father died, but it doesn’t seem really related to the picture itself.
If I was an editor, I’m sure I could go through this and find little things that could improve it, but then you wouldn’t get a judgement until next week.
I don't feel like I did my job here, which is to give constructive criticism, but there just wasn't much to pick at in either story.
Although it’s probably obvious by now, carpedavid’s story really hit every note for me. This is a really tough match-up to judge, with both stories succeeding at their goals. For me, carpedavid takes this one.
Round One - Match Seven
carpedavid vs. maxfieldjadenfox
I was getting excited now; it was time for the final match of the first round. The court looked resplendent in their finery, the excitement of the final match of the round danced around the imps, fey and other creatures present. I stepped up to the altar with Her Dark Grace in hand.
“Members of the court and of course our Infernal Jury, it is my pleasure to conclude the first round with the final match between carpedavid and maxfieldjadenfox.” I nodded and the two imps dressed this time in delicate shades of navy and bisque advanced with firm and exact purpose to the altar. I then pressed the offerings to the stone granite to begin.
“Both carpedavid and maxfieldjadenfox have given us stories somewhere between tale and moral fable. It is interesting to see how a strong image can capture the imagination so readily (as image two - the leaf lady - does).”
“carpedavid’s tale stretches several decades from corporate eco-terrorist, and back in time to innocence and a child’s love of nature, symbolised by an ash tree. It is the conflict between these two fantastically presented sides of Ryan that pushes the story forward; to see whether the child was still inside or whether Ryan was but a husk, with any such memory burnt from his being. I think more than anything else carpedavid has given us a beautiful lesson in pacing. It was the natural and exquisite joining of each of the story’s parts that neatly progresses the story to its satisfying conclusion that had me smiling as I read this one again and then again particularly looking at this aspect. While the conclusion did seem inevitable, there was still a beauty to it that resounded nicely, even after finishing the piece. Congratulations on such a well polished and paced entry.”
“maxfieldjadenfox has also gone for a nature-inspired piece under the guise of employment searching. While at first, this seemed a little bit aimless going from one job to the next and to the next, in the end it was saved by a good conclusion giving meaning to what had gone before. On the whole, I did enjoy this but I’ll point back to carpedavid’s story and how he introduced tension with a childhood flashback. Likewise, this story needed some measure of tension to sustain it. It never really felt like Min Su was ever really in trouble of becoming destitute. Finding employment seemed easy enough as was getting a passport and the money to go to the US. If this had have been more of a struggle, I believe your piece overall would have been stronger for it. Still, an enjoyable and satisfying entry.”
“Good imps, I will strike ‘Lady Death’ thrice, after which I demand of you to find your opening positions for the match. Step to your left for carpedavid or to the right if you wish to align yourselves with maxfieldjadenfox’s fate.”
After a firm series of tapping, the imps finally coalesced into two divisions, nineteen imps to fourteen in carpedavid’s favour. The Gnopf had provided a strange attachment to the projector and as he powered up the machine, this attachment whirred with conviction. An image of a partially sunken boat graced the back of my garage.
“carpedavid has used this image in capable fashion. The boat represents what has happened to the world since Ryan’s childhood. With his hometown flooded, this image represents that whole global warming/ sea rising phenomena. It is with some skill that this permeates the entire piece so well, so as not to be just a simple snapshot. As such, well done. maxfieldjadenfox has also capably used this with the sinking of Min Su’s fine rusted vessel. This was humorously done but at the same time, I was able to get a stronger feeling for her growing attachment to Matsu. As such good use as well.”
I tapped the scythe with the imps progressing to a new position of eighteen carpedavid imps to maxfieldjadenfox’s fifteen! The gap was closing and there seemed to be strong disagreement between the two groups of imps. I thought carpedavid did enough to hold or even extend his position but these imps thought otherwise. I nodded and our next image of a strangely leafed woman appeared, glowing brightly. The Gnopf seemed most satisfied with his new attachment.
“Now this image was by far the strongest of the group. Incorporating it bent both offerings towards an eco-friendly tale/fable. carpedavid’s mysterious lover tempting Ryan back to his childhood, a final realisation of what he had wrought while for maxfieldjadenfox, it was the realisation of Matsu and the Green Man’s hidden influence upon Min Su’s life. While she thought herself an orphan, this image represented her “adoption” to her “real” parents. I thought this a very strong use of a difficultly strong image. Please good imps, advance your positions once more.”
The imps seemed to pile onto maxfieldjadenfox’s side but then there was an equal balancing back to carpedavid. With but a few stragglers finally deciding upon their new positions, a tally of seventeen to carpedavid and sixteen to maxfieldjadenfox was presented as I tapped her Dark Grace in recognition. Wow, this was getting much closer than I imagined! The Gnopf sensing need for progression filtered a picture of a strange trio of bikini clad skiers. There were numerous giggles at the ridiculous image.
“Now this was in some ways, the most difficult image of the match. Incorporating it must have screwed with our contestant’s heads and as such; I’ll be gentle because I thought neither use was strong. Still to actually include the piece without derailing either story was an effort in itself. carpedavid uses this to introduce Ryan’s lover and eventual saviour while for maxfieldjadenfox, the skiing troupe is just another job to be fired from. Really, neither overly inspired but kudos anyway to both for using it at all. Imps?”
The imps threatened to move one way or the other but in the end, not a single move was made. The balance of 17 to 16 in carpedavid’s favour held. “And finally for the final image of the final match of the first round, we have… a large bug on a business roof”. The imps cooed in pleasure at the strange sight.
“On first glance, neither offering seems to outdo the other in using this. While maxfieldjadenfox uses this as another employer, carpedavid, relates this back to his primary theme as well. Giant bugs caused by a radical decline in the frog population was somewhat novel. How to split them? Perhaps in the end because carpedavid has used this as an actual bug rather than just the snapshot as presented, our good jury will find in his favour? The suspense is killing me so please imps, you have seen the offerings, seek your final positions for the match and round!”
The imps looked carefully this way and that. One moved from carpedavid’s side to maxfieldjadenfox’s causing a high degree of tension. Would this be their final positions? It was then that that large bastard of an imp launched himself from carpedavid’s side over to maxfieldjadenfox’s as well. However, his mood was determined as he grabbed as many imps as he could and started dragging them back to carpedavid’s. The fight was on as the two group’s met in a melee worthy of a final. I let them express their angst for a while before giving the scythe one almighty crack. The imps checked themselves immediately, their numbers strewn across my backyard. They seemed concussed by the thunderous explosion long enough that I was able to work out a tally.
“It appears that our final match of the round has gone to…carpedavid by eighteen imps to fifteen. Congratulations to both our competitors but in the end, I suppose the stronger story won out. maxfieldjadenfox, I believe she is calling you once more to her fickle blade. Know though that this time, I believe you are providing her with a much tastier meal.
Maxfiled Jadenfox-
Interesting story. I liked your voice through here, it was pleasant and easy to read, which fit well with this story. I think I might have changed the tense of the story though as it was a bit distracting in a couple places.
You tied together a number of jobs, represented by each picture (which you didn’t label). I felt that this was a bit cheap as it made them a lot easier to string together. Still, it was an interesting approach, and I was happy it wasn’t another PI story . I didn’t feel that there was enough tension or conflict in the story though. You certainly presented problems along the way, and you resolved them in the end, but it didn’t really hook me into the story or Min Su’s plight. Sure, she had bad luck, but it would have been nice to dig a little deeper, especially if you are going to have a string of scenes.
Your picture use was strong overall. We see each of them as a point of bad luck (except the last one) in Min Su’s life. The descriptions matched the pictures very literally and you didn’t really turn any of them into something unexpected.
Overall, good job, as I said above, it was a pleasant read.
CarpeDavid-
I really enjoyed this story. I like the “marketing for the bad guy” theme and you pulled it off well. You also managed to pull off a solid down ending to the story. Your imagery was strong throughout the story and you led up to each picture, they definitely worked well as illustrations for a story that would stand well on its own without them. None of them felt forced.
I do think there were a couple things you could have done that would have made the story work better for me. The mention of the glacier in Colorado was a bit shocking , as up until that point, I thought we were reading a story in the modern day—this also doesn’t match too well with the global warming theme (not as I understand it at least). Second, I might have made mention of the tugboat, or at least the size of the lake earlier in the story. I hadn’t pictured the lake as being that big when reading it, so the tug boat didn’t really fit for me when you got to it. This was the only picture that felt a bit forced to me. I would go on further, but there isn’t too much more to say. Great job.
I have to give this round to Carpedavid. While both were good stories, he presented a solid story that weaved the pictures together well.
CarpeDavid wins this round 3-0
Herremann the Wise
First Post
Hi Everyone,
Just a quick note. Congratulations to all our contestants for providing me with such wonderful reading for the last week and a bit - it has been very enjoyable. I look forward to reading an even higher grade of story in the next round. Best of luck to all still in the competition, it was very difficult for me to nominate a strongest loser and strongest winner, most of the stories were quite spectacular in their own way.
As for those exiting the competition early, commiserations. I'm sure you'll find Death's blade not quite as harsh as I make out. Please stay in the loop and add comments throughout the competition as this one is definitely going to be something special!
Best Regards
Herremann the Wise
Just a quick note. Congratulations to all our contestants for providing me with such wonderful reading for the last week and a bit - it has been very enjoyable. I look forward to reading an even higher grade of story in the next round. Best of luck to all still in the competition, it was very difficult for me to nominate a strongest loser and strongest winner, most of the stories were quite spectacular in their own way.
As for those exiting the competition early, commiserations. I'm sure you'll find Death's blade not quite as harsh as I make out. Please stay in the loop and add comments throughout the competition as this one is definitely going to be something special!
Best Regards
Herremann the Wise
yangnome
First Post
Round 2:
Match 1:
Carpe David vs. BSF
Match 2:
Berandor vs. PirateCat
Match 3:
Rodrigo Istalindir vs. Tadk
Match 4:
Mythago vs. Miles Pilitus
It looks like we have a couple heavy hitting matches this round. Reminder there are no further loser brackets this round unless someone fails to submit a story or otherwise drops from the competition. Let me know when you'll be available and we'll get it started. The earliest I can post is 9am Thursday (PST).
Match 1:
Carpe David vs. BSF
Match 2:
Berandor vs. PirateCat
Match 3:
Rodrigo Istalindir vs. Tadk
Match 4:
Mythago vs. Miles Pilitus
It looks like we have a couple heavy hitting matches this round. Reminder there are no further loser brackets this round unless someone fails to submit a story or otherwise drops from the competition. Let me know when you'll be available and we'll get it started. The earliest I can post is 9am Thursday (PST).
Rodrigo Istalindir
Explorer
I'd prefer to start Sunday or Monday, but I'm flexible.
BSF
Explorer
Hey CarpeDavid,
It looks like you and I get a rematch from way back when. *smile*
So what is that? Four former Ceramic DMs and an Iron DM in the second round. Wow! I have some illustrious company. Thanks to the judges for my raise dead!
Timewise, I think I can make just about anything work. CarpeDavid, do you have a preference?
It looks like you and I get a rematch from way back when. *smile*
So what is that? Four former Ceramic DMs and an Iron DM in the second round. Wow! I have some illustrious company. Thanks to the judges for my raise dead!
Timewise, I think I can make just about anything work. CarpeDavid, do you have a preference?
maxfieldjadenfox
First Post
Thanks so much to the judges! The criticism portion of the competition is always helpful, and ya'll were pretty kind to me. Carpedavid, lovely writing! It was great competing with you and I'll be watching the rest of the competition (and commenting, of course) and looking forward to the next CDM whenever it may be.
