So, finally time to read and comment.
[sblock]
Ok, this time I must admit i cheated and read the short comments from yesterday, since I didn't have the time to read the stories then. That might have influenced me, of cource.
Piratecat A really strong story, but I'm not as impressed as many others. It has no obvious weaknesses, a well described main character and a good narrator (I feel that Parker is the main characterer and the narrator is the sidekick telling the story. Much like Dr. Watson and Holmes). But still for me there is
something not quite to my liking, but it is very hard pinpointing it, so for the first time since school I'll try dissecting the story (or analyse it, as the proper term probably is
) I haven't done this in 20 years or so, so bear with me...
Even though written in 5 parts, the story is really divided in 4. First in Florida we get introduced to the characters and the setting and plot. A lot is not said, but enough to set the mood and get the interrest of the reader. I felt maybe allready at this stage that I knew which story I was reading, and that might be what is giving me the "this is great, but..." feeling.
The second part show us more about the (possible) conspiracy to stop the Armageddon and the power of a almost returned Messiah. It lacks drama to me. The lowtoned murder shows very much how cold blooded Parker is, and he still seems like the untouchable killer. But the no fuss murder is in too much contrast to the strong emotions of the narrator. To me the scene dillutes or weakens the emotional experience so it doesn't really hold the impact it should to build up to the last scenes.
The third part has the dervishes giving information, which is the one place I feel the pictures dictated the story. It is not far fetched or anything, but I feel it is a bit too sudden. Maybe some hint earlier would improve this scene. The other section of part 3 is the, to me, expected "I need a diciple" speach. It felt very much like the scene near to the end of Men In Black: "I haven't been training a partner, I have been training a replacement" At that point I knew the ending, which is a bit sad.
The last part is very nicely done. The total and enormous power of the Messiah, even in a normally disgusting vessel, is shown, and the narrator shows that Parker's work over the last weeks did work. I "knew" the end beforehand, but the writing is very strong in the last part, so I didn't feel as let down as I had expected when no sursprise apeared.
So, that was the dissection, and I'm still not sure why I have ambivalent feelings about this story. It might be that I have seen it a bit too many times (hey, I've even used it as a GM a couple of times), but the writing is good, the picture use is brilliant, except maybe the dervishes which is only good. It feels like a good story, but to me this one is only
almost perfect.
Berandor I have been writing these comments while reading, and was goint to start this with "you really have something to compete against here", but right now I feel like moving that comment up to Piratecat. This was also an excellent story, and this one hit closer to home for me. First the story of the Dan losing the love of his life and being burdened with a parody of a child. The trip leading to his suicide and the small hints that Adam is something more than just a deformed child is nice foreshadowing. The courtroom use of the picture is inventive and the use of the rather plain and boring book-sale picture is brilliant. It shows how low Dan has fallen.
Then the story of Adam. Suddenly we see what he is, and it is a good confirmation more than a surprise. A super intelligent boy caught in a misshapen body. And then we get to see that he is not nice... I was actually surprised at that as I hadn't seen any indication before, but it still made perfect sense. The test run on his "brother" is a very good use of the egg-picture. And only showing the results of studies and work on a new body works very well.
I feel the ending is a little bit short. We have no hint that he is being chased, but seeing the world through Adam's eyes, this might be expected. Maybe some scene showing how sloppy he is or something might have been done. Or maybe a run in with someone to show how solid his new body is could have done it? The EMP-gun to shut him down works nicely, though, and waking him up to be executed is very nice.
The end is very good, I think, and classical. Failing in a "simple" thing like looking at the Prince at night, or speaking, ruins the magic and in this case ends Adam's life.
I can really only think of two things I would have changed in this story. There should be a scene with Rachel dancing in the first part or early in the second part where the picture should go. Placing the picture at the end with the brilliant "Mother," picture seems like a throw-away. Maybe a sentence or two added (and the picture) when Adam first experiences his new body would be the best place. If he imagined dancing with his mother then or remembered it in the third paragraph in the second part (which could not be after birth, but he remembers thing from before birth, so he could have experienced it) the ending would be even better, and you would have avoided two pictures in the end scene.
(Hmm, that seemed unclear. The two things I would suggest changed is:
having the dancing picture earlier and
having a better foreshadowing of the dancing. Maybe that could be the very first thing Adam remembers?)
So what I am sure of is that this is one of the very best pairs of stories I've seen through the years of CDM, and I'm very happy not to be judgeing it. Brilliant work, both of you.[/sblock]
Håkon
