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Ceramic DM Winter 07 (Final Judgment Posted)
- Thread starter yangnome
- Start date
Rodrigo Istalindir
Explorer
Tadk:
[sblock]I love the way you use language; the metaphors and descriptions are amazing. Its just sometimes when I'm reading your stuff, I feel like I'm missing something; there's a glimpse of something moving in the corner of my eye, but when I look it's not there. I find it a little frustrating because (as you can tell by what I write) I'm much more straightforward. But I suspect that's what you intend, so consider it a success on your part and failure on mine, in terms of imagination at least.
I do like that you write the way you want, though. More so than any other Ceramic DM you've got a unique style and voice, and I'm glad to read your stuff, even if it does make me feel slow somtimes.
[/sblock]
Berandor:
[sblock]
I got up this morning and discarded the ending I wrote last night, which was along the lines of what you'd described. I just felt that it took the focus away from the doctor and felt a little awkward. I also copped out on the 24-petrifcation thing; I'd originally written in a piece about how they used the placenta and amniotic fluid to devise a cure, but it came across as rushed and unbelievable. Also, a little gross.
The penguin pic is a total cop-out, but the rest of the pictures came together so neatly (I think) that they pretty much dictated the story. I'm hopeful that the rest of the pictures are used in such an inextricable way as to carry the one weak one. We shall see!
Thanks, as always, for your comments. You and I seem in tune on these types of stories, so if you don't think something works, I trust that it's a failure on my part and not a simple difference in style.[/sblock]
[sblock]I love the way you use language; the metaphors and descriptions are amazing. Its just sometimes when I'm reading your stuff, I feel like I'm missing something; there's a glimpse of something moving in the corner of my eye, but when I look it's not there. I find it a little frustrating because (as you can tell by what I write) I'm much more straightforward. But I suspect that's what you intend, so consider it a success on your part and failure on mine, in terms of imagination at least.
I do like that you write the way you want, though. More so than any other Ceramic DM you've got a unique style and voice, and I'm glad to read your stuff, even if it does make me feel slow somtimes.
[/sblock]
Berandor:
[sblock]
I got up this morning and discarded the ending I wrote last night, which was along the lines of what you'd described. I just felt that it took the focus away from the doctor and felt a little awkward. I also copped out on the 24-petrifcation thing; I'd originally written in a piece about how they used the placenta and amniotic fluid to devise a cure, but it came across as rushed and unbelievable. Also, a little gross.
The penguin pic is a total cop-out, but the rest of the pictures came together so neatly (I think) that they pretty much dictated the story. I'm hopeful that the rest of the pictures are used in such an inextricable way as to carry the one weak one. We shall see!
Thanks, as always, for your comments. You and I seem in tune on these types of stories, so if you don't think something works, I trust that it's a failure on my part and not a simple difference in style.[/sblock]
carpedavid
First Post
Comments
Comments on all of the stories from this round:
[sblock]
Piratecat: Just wonderful. I’ve seen the “Christ is alive and well and living in Hoboken” concept before – just not from this angle. Usually, the conspiracy is to keep the messiah safe – not to kill him off, so this was refreshing and really fun. I do, though, agree with Sialia that a stronger personality for the narrator would have helped. That’s really the only fault I could find – I heartily enjoyed it otherwise.
Berandor: I like dark and disturbing stories, which yours certainly was. The one fault that I could find is the not-speaking thing. I don’t understand if not speaking actually granted Adam a form of invulnerability, or if that was merely meant to be metaphoric. You were going down a sci-fi angle with the invulnerable body, but then the end felt almost supernatural. I guess I’m not sure which it was supposed to be. While there’s nothing wrong with combining them, the rest of the story suggested that it should be one or the other, and so I was left confused at the end.
Mythago: You tell fairy tales like no one else. Even with the obviously limited amount of time you had to put this together, I think it would’ve been a difficult story to beat.
My Esteemed Opponent: I was amused by how similarly some of the pictures struck us – particularly the anthropomorphic cat and the shriveled woman who had to use illusions to mask her true nature. I was also delighted to see how we used things differently – I loved the idea of the “face shop.” I nervously await our judgment.
Rodrigo: I love the “urban fantasy” genre, and this is a thoroughly entertaining example of it. That’s pretty much it. I liked it.
tadk: Parts of your story had a very spoken-word feel to them, especially the beginning. I could hear the cadence in my head, and I was grooving along. Then, though, it veered into almost-prosaic surrealism, and the voice in my head went quiet. If you could maintain that spoken-word vibe throughout, I think it would be much stronger.
[/sblock]
Comments on all of the stories from this round:
[sblock]
Piratecat: Just wonderful. I’ve seen the “Christ is alive and well and living in Hoboken” concept before – just not from this angle. Usually, the conspiracy is to keep the messiah safe – not to kill him off, so this was refreshing and really fun. I do, though, agree with Sialia that a stronger personality for the narrator would have helped. That’s really the only fault I could find – I heartily enjoyed it otherwise.
Berandor: I like dark and disturbing stories, which yours certainly was. The one fault that I could find is the not-speaking thing. I don’t understand if not speaking actually granted Adam a form of invulnerability, or if that was merely meant to be metaphoric. You were going down a sci-fi angle with the invulnerable body, but then the end felt almost supernatural. I guess I’m not sure which it was supposed to be. While there’s nothing wrong with combining them, the rest of the story suggested that it should be one or the other, and so I was left confused at the end.
Mythago: You tell fairy tales like no one else. Even with the obviously limited amount of time you had to put this together, I think it would’ve been a difficult story to beat.
My Esteemed Opponent: I was amused by how similarly some of the pictures struck us – particularly the anthropomorphic cat and the shriveled woman who had to use illusions to mask her true nature. I was also delighted to see how we used things differently – I loved the idea of the “face shop.” I nervously await our judgment.
Rodrigo: I love the “urban fantasy” genre, and this is a thoroughly entertaining example of it. That’s pretty much it. I liked it
.tadk: Parts of your story had a very spoken-word feel to them, especially the beginning. I could hear the cadence in my head, and I was grooving along. Then, though, it veered into almost-prosaic surrealism, and the voice in my head went quiet. If you could maintain that spoken-word vibe throughout, I think it would be much stronger.
[/sblock]
Berandor
lunatic
Because I live in this thread...
[sblock]
But making it explicit is something I'll consider if I work on the story some more. And thank you for your comment and for not puking
[/sblock]
[sblock]
Just to unconfuse: It's definitely meant to be a technical thing; the not speaking being only superstition (and something I introduced for the illusory "breaking the spell" momentcarpedavid said:
But making it explicit is something I'll consider if I work on the story some more. And thank you for your comment and for not puking [/sblock]
Herremann the Wise
First Post
Judgment sent for Match 2 (PC vs. Berandor).
All other judgments should be completed by the weekend Os-stray-lee-un time which should be early Sunday morning in the US.
Best Regards
Herremann the Wise
All other judgments should be completed by the weekend Os-stray-lee-un time which should be early Sunday morning in the US.
Best Regards
Herremann the Wise
yangnome
First Post
Round Two - Match Two Decision
Round Two - Match Two
Piratecat vs. Berandor
Dancing in the Streets - Berandor
You have fantastic bones here for a gruesome, creepy story. Human cruelty, self-destruction, making a true monster of something that at first only looked like one; it’s all here.
The thing that really kept me from digging this story was that it felt very disjointed. It came at you like rapid fire; short, staccato bursts of story without time to digest what came before. I don’t think it needs to be longer, but more focused. The rapid fire style works, but then you occasionally get more descriptive. In the first scene of Adam’s section it works beautifully, a breather after following his father. But in the very next scene the styles mix, and that threw me off.
I mentioned the story having bones before, but it does have most of its meat as well. To really give constructive criticism, I’d have to go through the story line by line suggesting slight language changes, and I’m not going to do that. I will mention the beginning of the second scene in Adam’s section. I’d make the sentence about it being the best time he’d had so far be the end of the paragraph, and leave out the statement that the nuns and the children are man. You showed us how mean they were in the next sentence. The impact of the statement that abuse by nuns and peers is better than life with his father would be stronger if it were the last statement. The wheelchair is part of the courtyard action, so introduce it in a new paragraph.
Your picture use is pretty darn impressive. The dancers as a hallucination would usually get under my skin, but you set it up well earlier in the story. Adam imagines his mother as a dancer, and his silence because of his belief that making sounds would kill him make that hallucination very important, so it works. You managed to work in even the hand gesture in the egg picture, and the entire piece is built around the picture of the malformed Adam.
The bookstore picture is the weakest. The book becomes important in the story, but the actual picture use only serves to illustrate Dan’s misery, which we already have a good handle on.
This is a very impressive story and I enjoyed reading it.
Piratecat – Thy Kingdom Come
You sir, seem to have religion on the brain. In this case, that seeming obsession treats us to an excellent story. How far would you go to save the world from its savior? It’s a fascinating question, and there are no easy answers.
The story is really a story of our narrator searching for answers. It’s not as strong as it could be because the narrator himself doesn’t have a distinctive personality. Perhaps that’s purposeful, so he can be more an everyman and allow the reader to slip into his shoes. But the questions he wants answered are compelling and universal enough that the narrator could be a distinct personality without damaging the sense that we are in it with him. Even just giving him a distinct style of speaking/thinking would do it.
The Sith Lord comment made by the assassin jolted me out of the story. It didn’t seem to fit. Even with his later reference to Buffy, he doesn’t come across as a sci-fi culture guy, such as one who’d make this comment.
The Buffy comments, he has a reason to know.
I was also a little confused by how Mike was killed. We see the assassin practicing with a gun, a gun is used in the final scene, but it’s never seen when Mike is killed. Does the assassin have some way to cloak what he’s doing? Is Mike’s presence enough that other’s don’t notice? Why will he appear to have died of a heart condition?
Stylistically the story flowed. Each scene our reporter is in a little deeper, understands a bit more, has walked a bit farther down the path to where killing these children becomes first acceptable, then right.
Picture use: Pretty strong here, although the weakest for me is the dancers. Although an attempt is made to make them a symbol of the coming change, it still feels like it could have been done better some other way if it had to be done at all. The bookstore is somewhat the same, but here it introduces the powerful intoxication that comes from the messianic children, so it’s a little stronger.
I had to read both these stories several times, and I’ve gone back and forth about which one should move on about least ten times now. These stories make me hate being a judge. I’m gong to go with Berandor for a story that makes you react from your gut, that disgusts you, but you can’t look away.
Herremann:
Piratecat vs. Berandor
The court had been hastily arranged; as it appeared that Match Two had temporally been brought in front of Match One. The two court imps dressed in their finery appeared to be heavily weighed down by the two submissions. Both had been delicately scribed in gold leaf upon scrolls of finest vellum, replete with golden tassels upon the handles. Their walk to the altar was slowly paced with chins held high with occasional glances to this side and that making sure the court was giving due respect to the two offerings. I bowed to the two as the heavy scrolls were placed neatly upon the granite altar. There was a hush around the Dark Court in awe of the spectacle they were about to witness. One of the Ceramic DM Gods was about to fall. The scythe smelt blood.
“Good court and others present, it is with delight that I present the offerings of Piratecat and Berandor. Imps of the jury, your best behaviour will be expected along with your finest discretion. It is a difficult task this evening I present to you, to differentiate between the two items before me. As such, I shall provide suitable evidence for your consideration. Choose wisely and make your decisions both firm and just. And so shall Round Two begin.”
I delicately tapped ‘Lady Death’ upon the altar, small evanescent bolts issuing from her blade towards the two scrolls. This was going to be one hell of a judgment.
“Piratecat has given us a gripping piece that does not let go for its duration. May I say that:
‘I’m here in this tropical swamp to profile a man named Parker. He kills children, and he claims he does it to save the world.’
is one of THE greatest short story lines I have ever read! In such a simple spilling of words, a dark shadow is cunningly cast over the introductory paragraphs before it. From this point, one cannot help but be drawn towards the story’s conclusion. Each of the story’s partitions is separated with striking momentum, like a perfect line of falling dominoes. Sublime excellence in terms of structure!”
“The dialogue between the unnamed reporter and Parker is likewise exquisite. This reporter is the perfect vessel for the piece, becoming like a clear, see-through observer that the reader cleaves to in the hope of making sense out of something so bizarrely logical - the halting of the Apocalypse; the ultimate battle versus God. Piratecat bites off more than most writers could hope to chew but then swallows it with dramatic aplomb. It is fantastic to be presented with such epic subject matter in a short story. A truly marvellous feat.”
“And one more element of the story that I would like to present that standing back from now, I consider to be a truly sublime moment of the craft of writing.
‘Parker speaks quietly. “Now you’ll see why I sometimes feel like one of the three wise men. I just bring high calibre ammunition instead of myrrh.” I fail to laugh. He does it for me.’
And so do we the reader. I laughed aloud when reading this humour. However, it is almost like from this point we the reader take over the vessel of the reporter. As if we push the reporter into the role of disciple, truly seeing things from Parker’s warped view; inviting the story’s conclusion. I felt this subtle and perhaps even serendipitous. Perhaps I am seeing more in the words than intended but regardless, this is how I interpreted it. Magnificence!”
Before I could continue, there was applause from the Dark Court in my backyard in appreciation of a truly great story. This was the first time this had ever happened. I looked around as the applause continued. Eventually, the grand appreciation ceased allowing me to finally continue. Piratecat, take a bow.
“Berandor has continued his great form in the competition so far with a fantastically dark piece. Split into two parts, the tension is subtle as we ponder Adam. Is he the blank page presented or is he something special - a true savant? Then comes the pondering of whether he will be a heroic figure who has overcome adversity, to transcend his form and upbringing? Adam transcends by falling; being consumed by the victual of hate fed to him from birth.”
“While I thought this was presented well, I found the action at the end somewhat jerky. The judgment of Adam seemed somewhat strange, logic dictating and demanding a different course of action rather than the destruction of a unique hardware. Surely they would wonder how Adam had “created” himself? As such, I fought with the conclusion of what I thought an otherwise excellent story.”
“Imps of the jury, cast your vote with firm indication - to the left for Piratecat or to the right for Berandor.” I brought ‘Lady Death’ up so she could truly cast her “gaze” upon the proceedings. The imps jumped this way and that but on the whole, there was almost overwhelming support for Piratecat. The imps were to start the judgment split twenty-one to twelve in Piratecat’s favour.
Since the previous judgment, I had spoken carefully to the Gnopf that I would be requiring a more consistent visual display for the proceedings, particularly now that more images were being demanded. He had nodded giving an impression of expertise. I suppose we would now see the fruits of his labour.
The Gnopf charged up his projector with several new squirming attachments. From an elevated position, he typed several commands into a fiendish laptop, automatically displaying a truly horrid birthling of somewhat human origin. The imps were jumping up and down in glee, the image very much to their macabre liking.
“For Piratecat this represents the messiah that finally beats Parker with the disciple waiting nearby, trapped into action. In some ways, this use is seamless with the Asian/North Chinese in the background supporting the creature. It’s horridness compared to the other messiah we meet is bizarrely appropriate for Parker’s final capitulation and the manic transferring of responsibility. Perhaps I’m still focusing too much on Piratecat’s story, not separating it from the specific picture-use but frankly, I think that is part of the extreme quality of this submission. When the story has such ownership over the images, each empowers the other, the total greater than the sum of the parts.”
“Berandor has perhaps gone even further in shaping his entire story around this image. With the horror of Adam freshly birthed, we wonder whether this horridly silent vessel will be some sort of hero savant or scarred villain. Of course, as much as I was hoping otherwise, the details were all in the picture. Look closely…” I nodded to the Gnopf who did a high-level zoom of the creature’s crotch, “and the answer is right there. No person, monster or otherwise can have that done to their genitals and not be turned to the dark side.” The jury and several members of the court quickly glanced down like pimply teenagers checking that their flies were not down. “On the whole, I thought this dramatically good use. Please good imps of the jury, if you could further express your collective opinions.”
The imps on both sides started a slanging match of epic proportion. Jibes were sent this way and that with several of the smaller imps being thrown backwards and forwards. At the end of the melee, Berandor’s position had been improved to fourteen cutting Piratecat’s imps down to nineteen. Somehow, Berandor’s side had gotten the idea that hurling the battered imps back to the opposing side while satisfying on several levels was weakening their overall position. A ceasefire had been selectively called leading to their enhanced position. Direction from me led to the Gnopf progressing to the next image, a man and car in front of a books-a-million store.
“This was one of Piratecat’s weakest image uses which is saying something as it still fitted in so well with the overall picture. The “Easter” bunny irony just made me laugh and shake my head, almost as if these images were ordained to be drawn into this particular story. As a “former” messiah, it was a little stretched but the outlandish use is conveyed so convincingly by Parker and the reporter, I did not even blink.”
“Berandor has manipulated his story to include this in the shape of a failed book by Dan Smith. The 30% off sale was meant to represent the final straw for Dan before his suicide and while OK, I did not find this as convincing as it could have been. Still though, suitable use. Imps?”
The melee from the previous round was rejoined but this time more directly. With fists flying, I had to wade into their ranks to break up some of the nastier scuffles. A swing from Lady Death separated head from neck and an imp’s body dropped. I had to kill another one, just to get them to regain their senses. Eventually they made their positions, eighteen to Piratecat to thirteen to Berandor. While Piratecat had a significant lead, he just could not quite put Berandor away. The next image appeared, that of four brightly attired dancers whirling around.
“Piratecat has used this image well but in some ways, this was the least convincing of the quintet. I thought the colourful Sufi reference intriguing as a modern day oracle to find new messiahs but at the same time, not entirely persuasive. It certainly was not enough to knock me out of the story’s flow so I suppose thumbs up once more are deserved.”
“I have to say that I thought Berandor’s use was a little strained. As a visage or memory or premonition, the dancing “mother” thread was something I struggled with. Representative of perhaps Adam’s last piece of innocence, there was not enough there for me to grab and run with. In the end, it simply did not gel like perhaps was planned. Perhaps then imps of the jury, further movement in a less volatile manner should be the order of the day. I do not wish to cull your numbers further!”
The imps wary of movements held static for a moment before there was a slight shift to Piratecat, nineteen imps to twelve. I tapped the altar in recognition, the penultimate image of a shot-strewn child mannequin glowing brightly from the Gnopf’s projector.
“Excellence. That is all I can say for Piratecat’s use of this image. You can almost see how this one image engendered a masterpiece. As the introduction to Parker and his bizarre occupation, it was faultless. Period.”
“Berandor has ably used this image as the final annihilation of the newly formed Adam. I thought the connections here interesting but again, I was not totally sold on the concept. It was suitable but perhaps it was also responsible for a logically jagged conclusion. Bah, it was OK but not great.”
The imps responding to a wave of ‘Lady Death’ and a stern gaze from her wielder actually shuffled further in Piratecat’s favour - the lead a dominating twenty-two imps to nine. While there was a small amount of backchat, the imps seemed to have accepted the inevitable. The Gnopf then presented the final image of a boy inside a boy-sized egg.
“Now this was one of those images that just makes you shake your head when it comes to Ceramic DM. You look at it and ponder what the hell the writer’s are going to make of it. Piratecat actually turned the boy into a messiah soon to meet his fate while Berandor crafted a bizarre engineering feat of brain transplant/transference. This seems strange to say but I found Piratecat’s strange use entirely believable while Berandor’s I thought too fantastic. Something about this seems wrong and I’m pondering my own inadequate perception but this was how I was left feeling. While the engineering feat was encompassed by the envisaged hyper-intelligence of Adam, there was just something here that once again was not wholly convincing. Good enough for a regular round of Ceramic DM but not good enough when competing against a great competitor having penned a story of pure magnificence. Imps of the jury, your final position is required to decide this match.”
The imps stayed unmoving before a final capitulation of three imps to Piratecat’s side. In the end, an astounding round and a dominating performance by Piratecat, twenty-five imps to Berandor’s six. While I thought the imps perhaps a little overenthusiastic, I could not fault their decision nor Piratecat’s offering. Good work from Berandor but immaculate stuff from PC.
Yangnome:
Pirate Cat
Excellent story. It’s hard to find things that need fixing here, but I’ll try to address a few things I liked and a few that didn’t quite work for me. During the first part, where you introduce us to the assassin, I think you paint a picture of a redneck here (at least in my mind), but there’s no real follow through with that picture during the rest of the story. I’m not certain whether this is good or bad, it just didn’t seem like it had follow through. I was also taken out of the story a bit where you talked about how one couldn’t tell if the target was squirming or not at 200 yards, but he was only shooting at a mannequin. At only 200 yards, a shooter should have a good sight on a target, even with iron sights—I’m probably nit-picking here, but it was enough to pull me out of the story. Really good use of this picture.
The bookstore window picture felt a bit forced, but you managed to make this a bog portion of your story, I think you might have been able to integrate this section of your story in with the first section (later in town?) to make it a little stronger. The use of the egg was a strong. It showed the power of the messiah and eventually helps build tension in the narrator’s decision.
The dervishes felt pretty forced and I think this picture is the weakest in the bunch. You build a reason to have the story make a stop here, but it could have been cut out and the story wouldn’t have suffered. I think you might have been able to build this scene up a bit more, or used the picture for something else. The final picture use was strong.
You have a real skill for writing stories that include lines with double meaning (whether intentional or not). For instance, with this one, the editor telling the reporter to just do his job definitely gets turned on its head with a second read. I really enjoy your wordplay in places. The disciple line also gave good foreshadowing. I think I would have liked a little more build up to the narrator’s final decision, but I felt it worked well as is. Great story.
Berandor-
You have a really good story here too. Reading the first part, I thought you were going to knock this out of the park. I was a bit disappointed that the story didn’t have a sympathetic character in it. Your writing really made his father come across as a despicable character, even though it was possible for the reader to commiserate with him on some level. I could see how his treatment (and others’) of Adam led to the ending, but it just wasn’t fulfilling for me. It would have been nice to see Adam as sympathetic, or barring that (sine that would have made an entirely different story), at least his adoptive family.
Your picture use varied, but overall was strong. I felt your use of the dancer was your worst story. You bring it up as a memory, but it would have been nice to have this mentioned earlier in the story since it plays a large part of the end. The bookstore picture was a bit weak—shy would there be a poster for a book that sold 100 copies—but it showed the breakdown of his father. The egg, the child and the mannequin were all very strong. I would have liked to have known why speaking was the weakness that allowed for his death.
This is a tough round to judge. I caste my vote for PirateCat who gave a story that worked better overall for me.
PirateCat wins this match 2-1 and moves on to the next round.
Round Two - Match Two
Piratecat vs. Berandor
Dancing in the Streets - Berandor
You have fantastic bones here for a gruesome, creepy story. Human cruelty, self-destruction, making a true monster of something that at first only looked like one; it’s all here.
The thing that really kept me from digging this story was that it felt very disjointed. It came at you like rapid fire; short, staccato bursts of story without time to digest what came before. I don’t think it needs to be longer, but more focused. The rapid fire style works, but then you occasionally get more descriptive. In the first scene of Adam’s section it works beautifully, a breather after following his father. But in the very next scene the styles mix, and that threw me off.
I mentioned the story having bones before, but it does have most of its meat as well. To really give constructive criticism, I’d have to go through the story line by line suggesting slight language changes, and I’m not going to do that. I will mention the beginning of the second scene in Adam’s section. I’d make the sentence about it being the best time he’d had so far be the end of the paragraph, and leave out the statement that the nuns and the children are man. You showed us how mean they were in the next sentence. The impact of the statement that abuse by nuns and peers is better than life with his father would be stronger if it were the last statement. The wheelchair is part of the courtyard action, so introduce it in a new paragraph.
Your picture use is pretty darn impressive. The dancers as a hallucination would usually get under my skin, but you set it up well earlier in the story. Adam imagines his mother as a dancer, and his silence because of his belief that making sounds would kill him make that hallucination very important, so it works. You managed to work in even the hand gesture in the egg picture, and the entire piece is built around the picture of the malformed Adam.
The bookstore picture is the weakest. The book becomes important in the story, but the actual picture use only serves to illustrate Dan’s misery, which we already have a good handle on.
This is a very impressive story and I enjoyed reading it.
Piratecat – Thy Kingdom Come
You sir, seem to have religion on the brain. In this case, that seeming obsession treats us to an excellent story. How far would you go to save the world from its savior? It’s a fascinating question, and there are no easy answers.
The story is really a story of our narrator searching for answers. It’s not as strong as it could be because the narrator himself doesn’t have a distinctive personality. Perhaps that’s purposeful, so he can be more an everyman and allow the reader to slip into his shoes. But the questions he wants answered are compelling and universal enough that the narrator could be a distinct personality without damaging the sense that we are in it with him. Even just giving him a distinct style of speaking/thinking would do it.
The Sith Lord comment made by the assassin jolted me out of the story. It didn’t seem to fit. Even with his later reference to Buffy, he doesn’t come across as a sci-fi culture guy, such as one who’d make this comment.
The Buffy comments, he has a reason to know.
I was also a little confused by how Mike was killed. We see the assassin practicing with a gun, a gun is used in the final scene, but it’s never seen when Mike is killed. Does the assassin have some way to cloak what he’s doing? Is Mike’s presence enough that other’s don’t notice? Why will he appear to have died of a heart condition?
Stylistically the story flowed. Each scene our reporter is in a little deeper, understands a bit more, has walked a bit farther down the path to where killing these children becomes first acceptable, then right.
Picture use: Pretty strong here, although the weakest for me is the dancers. Although an attempt is made to make them a symbol of the coming change, it still feels like it could have been done better some other way if it had to be done at all. The bookstore is somewhat the same, but here it introduces the powerful intoxication that comes from the messianic children, so it’s a little stronger.
I had to read both these stories several times, and I’ve gone back and forth about which one should move on about least ten times now. These stories make me hate being a judge. I’m gong to go with Berandor for a story that makes you react from your gut, that disgusts you, but you can’t look away.
Herremann:
Piratecat vs. Berandor
The court had been hastily arranged; as it appeared that Match Two had temporally been brought in front of Match One. The two court imps dressed in their finery appeared to be heavily weighed down by the two submissions. Both had been delicately scribed in gold leaf upon scrolls of finest vellum, replete with golden tassels upon the handles. Their walk to the altar was slowly paced with chins held high with occasional glances to this side and that making sure the court was giving due respect to the two offerings. I bowed to the two as the heavy scrolls were placed neatly upon the granite altar. There was a hush around the Dark Court in awe of the spectacle they were about to witness. One of the Ceramic DM Gods was about to fall. The scythe smelt blood.
“Good court and others present, it is with delight that I present the offerings of Piratecat and Berandor. Imps of the jury, your best behaviour will be expected along with your finest discretion. It is a difficult task this evening I present to you, to differentiate between the two items before me. As such, I shall provide suitable evidence for your consideration. Choose wisely and make your decisions both firm and just. And so shall Round Two begin.”
I delicately tapped ‘Lady Death’ upon the altar, small evanescent bolts issuing from her blade towards the two scrolls. This was going to be one hell of a judgment.
“Piratecat has given us a gripping piece that does not let go for its duration. May I say that:
‘I’m here in this tropical swamp to profile a man named Parker. He kills children, and he claims he does it to save the world.’
is one of THE greatest short story lines I have ever read! In such a simple spilling of words, a dark shadow is cunningly cast over the introductory paragraphs before it. From this point, one cannot help but be drawn towards the story’s conclusion. Each of the story’s partitions is separated with striking momentum, like a perfect line of falling dominoes. Sublime excellence in terms of structure!”
“The dialogue between the unnamed reporter and Parker is likewise exquisite. This reporter is the perfect vessel for the piece, becoming like a clear, see-through observer that the reader cleaves to in the hope of making sense out of something so bizarrely logical - the halting of the Apocalypse; the ultimate battle versus God. Piratecat bites off more than most writers could hope to chew but then swallows it with dramatic aplomb. It is fantastic to be presented with such epic subject matter in a short story. A truly marvellous feat.”
“And one more element of the story that I would like to present that standing back from now, I consider to be a truly sublime moment of the craft of writing.
‘Parker speaks quietly. “Now you’ll see why I sometimes feel like one of the three wise men. I just bring high calibre ammunition instead of myrrh.” I fail to laugh. He does it for me.’
And so do we the reader. I laughed aloud when reading this humour. However, it is almost like from this point we the reader take over the vessel of the reporter. As if we push the reporter into the role of disciple, truly seeing things from Parker’s warped view; inviting the story’s conclusion. I felt this subtle and perhaps even serendipitous. Perhaps I am seeing more in the words than intended but regardless, this is how I interpreted it. Magnificence!”
Before I could continue, there was applause from the Dark Court in my backyard in appreciation of a truly great story. This was the first time this had ever happened. I looked around as the applause continued. Eventually, the grand appreciation ceased allowing me to finally continue. Piratecat, take a bow.
“Berandor has continued his great form in the competition so far with a fantastically dark piece. Split into two parts, the tension is subtle as we ponder Adam. Is he the blank page presented or is he something special - a true savant? Then comes the pondering of whether he will be a heroic figure who has overcome adversity, to transcend his form and upbringing? Adam transcends by falling; being consumed by the victual of hate fed to him from birth.”
“While I thought this was presented well, I found the action at the end somewhat jerky. The judgment of Adam seemed somewhat strange, logic dictating and demanding a different course of action rather than the destruction of a unique hardware. Surely they would wonder how Adam had “created” himself? As such, I fought with the conclusion of what I thought an otherwise excellent story.”
“Imps of the jury, cast your vote with firm indication - to the left for Piratecat or to the right for Berandor.” I brought ‘Lady Death’ up so she could truly cast her “gaze” upon the proceedings. The imps jumped this way and that but on the whole, there was almost overwhelming support for Piratecat. The imps were to start the judgment split twenty-one to twelve in Piratecat’s favour.
Since the previous judgment, I had spoken carefully to the Gnopf that I would be requiring a more consistent visual display for the proceedings, particularly now that more images were being demanded. He had nodded giving an impression of expertise. I suppose we would now see the fruits of his labour.
The Gnopf charged up his projector with several new squirming attachments. From an elevated position, he typed several commands into a fiendish laptop, automatically displaying a truly horrid birthling of somewhat human origin. The imps were jumping up and down in glee, the image very much to their macabre liking.
“For Piratecat this represents the messiah that finally beats Parker with the disciple waiting nearby, trapped into action. In some ways, this use is seamless with the Asian/North Chinese in the background supporting the creature. It’s horridness compared to the other messiah we meet is bizarrely appropriate for Parker’s final capitulation and the manic transferring of responsibility. Perhaps I’m still focusing too much on Piratecat’s story, not separating it from the specific picture-use but frankly, I think that is part of the extreme quality of this submission. When the story has such ownership over the images, each empowers the other, the total greater than the sum of the parts.”
“Berandor has perhaps gone even further in shaping his entire story around this image. With the horror of Adam freshly birthed, we wonder whether this horridly silent vessel will be some sort of hero savant or scarred villain. Of course, as much as I was hoping otherwise, the details were all in the picture. Look closely…” I nodded to the Gnopf who did a high-level zoom of the creature’s crotch, “and the answer is right there. No person, monster or otherwise can have that done to their genitals and not be turned to the dark side.” The jury and several members of the court quickly glanced down like pimply teenagers checking that their flies were not down. “On the whole, I thought this dramatically good use. Please good imps of the jury, if you could further express your collective opinions.”
The imps on both sides started a slanging match of epic proportion. Jibes were sent this way and that with several of the smaller imps being thrown backwards and forwards. At the end of the melee, Berandor’s position had been improved to fourteen cutting Piratecat’s imps down to nineteen. Somehow, Berandor’s side had gotten the idea that hurling the battered imps back to the opposing side while satisfying on several levels was weakening their overall position. A ceasefire had been selectively called leading to their enhanced position. Direction from me led to the Gnopf progressing to the next image, a man and car in front of a books-a-million store.
“This was one of Piratecat’s weakest image uses which is saying something as it still fitted in so well with the overall picture. The “Easter” bunny irony just made me laugh and shake my head, almost as if these images were ordained to be drawn into this particular story. As a “former” messiah, it was a little stretched but the outlandish use is conveyed so convincingly by Parker and the reporter, I did not even blink.”
“Berandor has manipulated his story to include this in the shape of a failed book by Dan Smith. The 30% off sale was meant to represent the final straw for Dan before his suicide and while OK, I did not find this as convincing as it could have been. Still though, suitable use. Imps?”
The melee from the previous round was rejoined but this time more directly. With fists flying, I had to wade into their ranks to break up some of the nastier scuffles. A swing from Lady Death separated head from neck and an imp’s body dropped. I had to kill another one, just to get them to regain their senses. Eventually they made their positions, eighteen to Piratecat to thirteen to Berandor. While Piratecat had a significant lead, he just could not quite put Berandor away. The next image appeared, that of four brightly attired dancers whirling around.
“Piratecat has used this image well but in some ways, this was the least convincing of the quintet. I thought the colourful Sufi reference intriguing as a modern day oracle to find new messiahs but at the same time, not entirely persuasive. It certainly was not enough to knock me out of the story’s flow so I suppose thumbs up once more are deserved.”
“I have to say that I thought Berandor’s use was a little strained. As a visage or memory or premonition, the dancing “mother” thread was something I struggled with. Representative of perhaps Adam’s last piece of innocence, there was not enough there for me to grab and run with. In the end, it simply did not gel like perhaps was planned. Perhaps then imps of the jury, further movement in a less volatile manner should be the order of the day. I do not wish to cull your numbers further!”
The imps wary of movements held static for a moment before there was a slight shift to Piratecat, nineteen imps to twelve. I tapped the altar in recognition, the penultimate image of a shot-strewn child mannequin glowing brightly from the Gnopf’s projector.
“Excellence. That is all I can say for Piratecat’s use of this image. You can almost see how this one image engendered a masterpiece. As the introduction to Parker and his bizarre occupation, it was faultless. Period.”
“Berandor has ably used this image as the final annihilation of the newly formed Adam. I thought the connections here interesting but again, I was not totally sold on the concept. It was suitable but perhaps it was also responsible for a logically jagged conclusion. Bah, it was OK but not great.”
The imps responding to a wave of ‘Lady Death’ and a stern gaze from her wielder actually shuffled further in Piratecat’s favour - the lead a dominating twenty-two imps to nine. While there was a small amount of backchat, the imps seemed to have accepted the inevitable. The Gnopf then presented the final image of a boy inside a boy-sized egg.
“Now this was one of those images that just makes you shake your head when it comes to Ceramic DM. You look at it and ponder what the hell the writer’s are going to make of it. Piratecat actually turned the boy into a messiah soon to meet his fate while Berandor crafted a bizarre engineering feat of brain transplant/transference. This seems strange to say but I found Piratecat’s strange use entirely believable while Berandor’s I thought too fantastic. Something about this seems wrong and I’m pondering my own inadequate perception but this was how I was left feeling. While the engineering feat was encompassed by the envisaged hyper-intelligence of Adam, there was just something here that once again was not wholly convincing. Good enough for a regular round of Ceramic DM but not good enough when competing against a great competitor having penned a story of pure magnificence. Imps of the jury, your final position is required to decide this match.”
The imps stayed unmoving before a final capitulation of three imps to Piratecat’s side. In the end, an astounding round and a dominating performance by Piratecat, twenty-five imps to Berandor’s six. While I thought the imps perhaps a little overenthusiastic, I could not fault their decision nor Piratecat’s offering. Good work from Berandor but immaculate stuff from PC.
Yangnome:
Pirate Cat
Excellent story. It’s hard to find things that need fixing here, but I’ll try to address a few things I liked and a few that didn’t quite work for me. During the first part, where you introduce us to the assassin, I think you paint a picture of a redneck here (at least in my mind), but there’s no real follow through with that picture during the rest of the story. I’m not certain whether this is good or bad, it just didn’t seem like it had follow through. I was also taken out of the story a bit where you talked about how one couldn’t tell if the target was squirming or not at 200 yards, but he was only shooting at a mannequin. At only 200 yards, a shooter should have a good sight on a target, even with iron sights—I’m probably nit-picking here, but it was enough to pull me out of the story. Really good use of this picture.
The bookstore window picture felt a bit forced, but you managed to make this a bog portion of your story, I think you might have been able to integrate this section of your story in with the first section (later in town?) to make it a little stronger. The use of the egg was a strong. It showed the power of the messiah and eventually helps build tension in the narrator’s decision.
The dervishes felt pretty forced and I think this picture is the weakest in the bunch. You build a reason to have the story make a stop here, but it could have been cut out and the story wouldn’t have suffered. I think you might have been able to build this scene up a bit more, or used the picture for something else. The final picture use was strong.
You have a real skill for writing stories that include lines with double meaning (whether intentional or not). For instance, with this one, the editor telling the reporter to just do his job definitely gets turned on its head with a second read. I really enjoy your wordplay in places. The disciple line also gave good foreshadowing. I think I would have liked a little more build up to the narrator’s final decision, but I felt it worked well as is. Great story.
Berandor-
You have a really good story here too. Reading the first part, I thought you were going to knock this out of the park. I was a bit disappointed that the story didn’t have a sympathetic character in it. Your writing really made his father come across as a despicable character, even though it was possible for the reader to commiserate with him on some level. I could see how his treatment (and others’) of Adam led to the ending, but it just wasn’t fulfilling for me. It would have been nice to see Adam as sympathetic, or barring that (sine that would have made an entirely different story), at least his adoptive family.
Your picture use varied, but overall was strong. I felt your use of the dancer was your worst story. You bring it up as a memory, but it would have been nice to have this mentioned earlier in the story since it plays a large part of the end. The bookstore picture was a bit weak—shy would there be a poster for a book that sold 100 copies—but it showed the breakdown of his father. The egg, the child and the mannequin were all very strong. I would have liked to have known why speaking was the weakness that allowed for his death.
This is a tough round to judge. I caste my vote for PirateCat who gave a story that worked better overall for me.
PirateCat wins this match 2-1 and moves on to the next round.
Berandor
lunatic
[sblock]Damn. For a moment, I believed Congrats, Piratecat, for a deserved win. Good luck for the rest of the contest.[/sblock]
Congrats, Piratecat, for a deserved win. Good luck for the rest of the contest.[/sblock]I was slightly influenced by Saddam Hussein's quick death despite the chance to psychologically analyze him, so that I totally didn't think that fat-fetched. Adam is a threat first and foremost, and the threat needs to be neutralized. Scientists can then take the scraps and see what they get.Herreman said:
Gulla
Adventurer
So, morning again, and time for comments.
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Rodrigo Istalindir A sweet story about problems with fantasy creatures in a modern world. This feels like a "good enough" story, but is missing the little extra. It might be that I have read far too much fantasy and mythology (is that possible?) but I have the same feeling as with Piratecat's story: I've seen this before. The new setting isn't enough to make this feel like a new and exciting story. Perseus finds a way to look at Medusa, and gets the job done. The small twist with saving Medusa instead of killing her didn't do much for me, I didn't get enough of her story to sympathise.
The picure use is varied. I liked the "priest and zombie" and the "dancers -> doctor & nurse", The video-picture is ok, noth more and the penguin (even though very realistic) is a bit of a throw away and the baby wasn't very exciting for such an interresting picture.
And then what seems to be a reccuring problem this round: "I found perched in a comfy chair ". Who? What?. Missing words makes a jarring interruption for me in a normal text. Som a small minus for that sentence.
All in all a godd story, but maybe a bit bland.
tadk I'm always a bit scared to start on your stories, as I never know what ride you will take me on... This time it is a bit of a dark future thingie. As often before it is a lot of seemingly disconnected picures and scenes, and I feel a story underneath, but this time it is a little too well hidden. I'm normally not very good at picking up symbolism and layers and i have a vague feeling of not quite getting all of it this time. Of cource, there is always the question then: "Is there a deeper meaning and symbolism, or is it just empty words?" I don't think this is empty, but I can't pinpoint the story this time.
The picures feel right, and I have a consistent feeling of the mood. But I still feel it is a little bit too obscure for me, and not as strong as the last round.
So a thight contest, I think.
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Håkon
going to read other comments and a judgement.
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Rodrigo Istalindir A sweet story about problems with fantasy creatures in a modern world. This feels like a "good enough" story, but is missing the little extra. It might be that I have read far too much fantasy and mythology (is that possible?) but I have the same feeling as with Piratecat's story: I've seen this before. The new setting isn't enough to make this feel like a new and exciting story. Perseus finds a way to look at Medusa, and gets the job done. The small twist with saving Medusa instead of killing her didn't do much for me, I didn't get enough of her story to sympathise.
The picure use is varied. I liked the "priest and zombie" and the "dancers -> doctor & nurse", The video-picture is ok, noth more and the penguin (even though very realistic) is a bit of a throw away and the baby wasn't very exciting for such an interresting picture.
And then what seems to be a reccuring problem this round: "I found perched in a comfy chair ". Who? What?. Missing words makes a jarring interruption for me in a normal text. Som a small minus for that sentence.
All in all a godd story, but maybe a bit bland.
tadk I'm always a bit scared to start on your stories, as I never know what ride you will take me on... This time it is a bit of a dark future thingie. As often before it is a lot of seemingly disconnected picures and scenes, and I feel a story underneath, but this time it is a little too well hidden. I'm normally not very good at picking up symbolism and layers and i have a vague feeling of not quite getting all of it this time. Of cource, there is always the question then: "Is there a deeper meaning and symbolism, or is it just empty words?" I don't think this is empty, but I can't pinpoint the story this time.
The picures feel right, and I have a consistent feeling of the mood. But I still feel it is a little bit too obscure for me, and not as strong as the last round.
So a thight contest, I think.
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Håkon
going to read other comments and a judgement.
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