Ceramic DM Winter 07 (Final Judgment Posted)

[BSF]

Congratulations to my feline foe. As always, it is fun to write and I greatly appreciated the shot at taking Piratecat out of the running early.

 

[Piratecat]

Congratulations to my feline foe. As always, it is fun to write and I greatly appreciated the shot at taking Piratecat out of the running early.

Wherein I escaped by the skin of my teeth. Thanks you for setting the bar so high, BSF!

My story had some flaws, and I think Berandor highlighted the biggest of them up-thread. The protagonist is actually based on a co-worker of mine who spent his childhood in an extremely conservative church -- or perhaps a cult -- that follows the laws of Deuteronomy. When he told me that his grandparents divorced because of religious differences, and how the church typically excommunicates and shuns anyone who thwarts them, I knew I wanted to include it. I almost posted the "narrator turns evil because of the knowledge of gods" ending, and although I think the story was too pat and simplistic without it, my emotional tenor at the moment is just as happy to lean towards a possibly happy ending. [for anyone watching the ENnie discussions, it's been a frustrating week for us moderation-wise.]

So I had a big plothole in my emotional logic, but I really like some of the story's aspects as well. I tried to use a very different voice and sentence structure than I usually do. I like how chunks of the story are based on fact instead of imagination, although that's not necessarily obvious to other people, and I like some of the frog imagery I was able to create. Orchid Blossom, you filled me with joy when you said you picked that up the second time through -- that had been my hope. But mostly? Mostly I love how I felt when I was writing, finally, and four hours disappeared like ten minutes. I needed that.

BSF's story was really interesting. I love the slimy, untrusty narrator. It was an honor to go up against him; thanks!

 

[Piratecat]

By the way, on the part of all the competitors, thank you to the judges for providing such useful feedback. I remember how hard it is to read and write judgments.

It's appreciated.

 

[BSF]

A little exposition

Ah, I have children to bed and can now post a bit more.

I took a chance with this story in making Hugh a character that does not find redemption. Call it a bit of cynicism and bitterness in general that bled over into the story, but also call it an attempt to try something different to see if I could gain a leg up on my worthy opponent. It is all the above wrapped up into one.

So in one regard I am very pleased with the observations that Hugh had the opportunity to redeem himself, and still didn't. It was hard not to go that route, not to turn him into some being with a moral fiber. Did it work? Well, maybe not well enough to win the round, but those are the breaks when you are competing. Would I try that strategy again with a different story? I don't know, maybe I would. But I would give it more consideration if I wanted to pursue that element once again.

Orchid Blossom - There is some keen commentary on providing more insight into Gemma. I avoided it because Hugh simply didn't care. He thought he would be using her and it never entered his mind that she might be using him. I had already alluded to where Gemma might end up with Lucinda's comments about witches, and Gemma's interest in the supernatural. I was afraid I had made the story too predictable already so I didn't want to push too much of her perspective into the narrative. But it does make the ending feel a bit rushed toward a conclusion.

I appreciate that you were able to develop a bit of a feel for Lucinda's family. I was trying to bring a lot without devoting too much time to it. I want people to ponder whether Milos fell into the same trap when he was younger and just made a better effort to accept it. I want people to ponder how much Lucinda and Na-na know of their own history. I should have found a way to provide the same feel for Gemma without revealing too much of what was to come.

I am skipping over some of the commentary - I appreciate it greatly but I don't need to comment on all of it. Otherwise this might sound like some odd rebuttal, which it isn't. No, I appreciate the commentary and you all bring to mind a possibility of how I could have possibly strengthened the story in a manner I had offhandedly dismissed.

Piratecat - I thoroughly enjoyed the references throughout. Both the foreshadowing and the bits of fact that I recognized. I thought it was very nicely done. The biggest issue I had was that the character didn't quite ring true for me. I believe Sialia summarized the reasons quite well.

If anything was shared between our stories I think it might be this: We were both writing about characters that we could look at and externally understand, but maybe we can't entirely integrate the character's mindset with our own? So maybe we ended up with cariactures rather than characters. People are complex and I don't think I quite captured that complexity as well as I could have.

But it was great to write off against you.

 

[orchid blossom]

I didn't want Hugo to find redemption, at least I don't think. Not everyone changes when life-altering things affect them. I was cool with him staying what he was.

The thing I find hard in the judging is that I know a lot of the flaws are time-crunch related. So even though I'm mentioning something, if the author had time to let it sit and come back in a while those kinks probably would have been worked out. I know I really have to stay away from a story for a good month before I can go back and read with a new eye. Sometimes longer.

Probably obvious by now, but what I really look for in stories is characterization and language use, the two places where I'm strongest as a writer. (In my humble opinion, anyway) The thing I'm finding most common in every story is that I can see the framework the author is hanging everything on, but there just wasn't enough time to flesh out the story so they become invisible, if you get what I mean.

I can tell you this, the judging process sure teaches you a lot about writing. I imagine this experience will improve mine a couple notches.

 

[BSF]

I didn't want Hugo to find redemption, at least I don't think. Not everyone changes when life-altering things affect them. I was cool with him staying what he was.

The thing I find hard in the judging is that I know a lot of the flaws are time-crunch related. So even though I'm mentioning something, if the author had time to let it sit and come back in a while those kinks probably would have been worked out. I know I really have to stay away from a story for a good month before I can go back and read with a new eye. Sometimes longer.

Probably obvious by now, but what I really look for in stories is characterization and language use, the two places where I'm strongest as a writer. (In my humble opinion, anyway) The thing I'm finding most common in every story is that I can see the framework the author is hanging everything on, but there just wasn't enough time to flesh out the story so they become invisible, if you get what I mean.

I can tell you this, the judging process sure teaches you a lot about writing. I imagine this experience will improve mine a couple notches.

Well sure there may be flaws from the time crunch. But that is the nature of this beast. Yes, sometimes stepping back and rethinking your story is good, but don't underestimate the value of an external opinion! There is nothing wrong with having a strong critique and jumpstarting the re-evaluation process.

You are doing a fine job judging and I appreciate your perspective on characterization and language. I was pleased to see you stepping in as a judge. Primarily because I have liked your stories in the past and I was really interested in seeing what you would do with being in the judging seat.

 

[yangnome]

Ah, I have children to bed and can now post a bit more.

I took a chance with this story in making Hugh a character that does not find redemption. Call it a bit of cynicism and bitterness in general that bled over into the story, but also call it an attempt to try something different to see if I could gain a leg up on my worthy opponent. It is all the above wrapped up into one.

So in one regard I am very pleased with the observations that Hugh had the opportunity to redeem himself, and still didn't. It was hard not to go that route, not to turn him into some being with a moral fiber. Did it work? Well, maybe not well enough to win the round, but those are the breaks when you are competing. Would I try that strategy again with a different story? I don't know, maybe I would. But I would give it more consideration if I wanted to pursue that element once again.

I think that writing a successful unsympathetic protagonist is really difficult. When doing so, for me personally at least, I think it becomes all the more important to have some lesson for the audience, or at least some way to give the audience gratification. I can't really put my finger on it, but I think where the story missed for me was that none of the characters were sympathetic. It might have been interesting to make Gemma a sympathetic character for the audience--at least initially. That certainly could have helped turn the story a bit. Since there was no character in the story to root for, I didn't really feel like anything was won or lost as a result of what happened. With nothing invested in the characters, I didn't get that "aha!" moment I yearn for at the end of a good story. That, for me is a big part of the magic.

 

[yangnome]

Thanks be the judges!

Seriously, very good feedback once again, I'll try and take it to heart for round 2. Speaking of which, is there already a proposed schedule, or do you plan to wait until the whole first round is judged?

I intend to wait until the first round is judged, then post the schedule. We need to determien which loser will be able to advance (and which writer tehy'll face). I'd also like a chance that anyone one writer can go up against any other writer, rather than segregating days of the week. Once I post the matchups, I'll work with each pair to determine the best set of days for the writers. Oh, and if you thought pictures from round 1 were evil....

 

[Gulla]

I can tell you this, the judging process sure teaches you a lot about writing. I imagine this experience will improve mine a couple notches.

Then I guess the others should be really worried when you enter as a competitor in the next CDM. As an experienced spectator I'll just look forward to it

But I was sort of promising to comment on the stories, so in the sblock comments for the next 4.

[sblock]
By the way, reading things more than once is normally not my way of doning things. So whatever I miss on the first read probably will come like a big surprise when someone else points it out to me. So comments are from first impressions.

tadk - In the begining this was compelling and pulling me in, but also confusing. What is happening? who is telling this? and why? I seem to remember from earlier entires that this feeling somewhere between a story and a poetic sketch is your style.
This time I feel it is a bit too sketchy. I get that some great change has happened, but I never really find out what. My gut feeling is that something like a "Shadowrun transformation" has happened, but I never get anything really confirming this.
The use of initials for the only named characters is nice, but Post Scriptum (PS) and (registered) Trade Mark (TM) are disturbing to me since i never really find out why they are named like that. So all in all I like the mood and I really feel that there is something "wrong" with the world and that we should know what, but I end up a bit disappointed in the end not knowing much more than at the start.
questing gm First of all: late is better than nothing and showing up is much better than disappearing. Good work delivering a story. I like the setting, but (probably due to running out of time?) it still feels like a story sketch. The plot seems to be to save the world from the god(dess?) of hairdressers by Rock n' Roll, and with some work and fleshing out the first two thirds of the story looks good. The last part doesnt seem to fit in quite well, and really needs something to get it tied in with the rest. And the punchline (?) is totally lost on me. Wether that is because of my lack of American/English cultural background or because it is no good, I cannot say. Hopefully you live and learn and come back to play another time.


Rodrigo IstilindirWhat is it with this CDM and hardboiled and/or questionable detectives? This story has a nice tension to it, and I like the pacing. We get nice small hints of a rejected man who (I think) still loves the girl enough to help her. The pace is exactly the same as my reading speed, which for this type of story is probably a little bit slow (that is, I'm not "chasing" the next paragraph/page in excitement).
I was wondering why he didn't try to change the weel, but the tire spikes explained that (but maybe you should have explained someway that running over tire spikes normally ruins more than one tire. A short curse or something about all weels being destroyed.)
The owolf is a nice touch and the conyote is a great monster. I think I'll steal that one. The end is a bit too sweet, I think. The father dies with some level of forgiveness for his daughter and the wedding is ok. It just didn't feel on par with the rest. Maybe if the pace through the rest of the story had been a bit faster the relaxing in the end would feel nice, but now it felt a bit like relaxing after having a short walk (which is nice) more than coming to rest after a hard run (which is wonderful). (If that makes any sense...)
DrawmackAnother hardboiled PI, but for me this is the stylistically best of them so far. It made me laugh and I really like some of the pictures and sentences. You basically had me hooked with "a set of gams that would leave a priest needing a confessional". The rest of the story is a nice trip in the dark detectives life, but maybe a bit too little resistance. On the other hand it shows that "detective work is boring" in a vary entertaining way
The end is a bit sudden and short, so I don't feel as satisfied finishing this as I do reading it, but the trip was nice, so I'll just live with the destination being "not so good".

But 4 nice stories and I see that there will be a rough competition in the loosers bracket as well. Good luck to all of you.[/sblock]

Håkon

 

[Herremann the Wise]

Congratulations to Piratecat for a great story and the win - you have been saved despite the imps and their strange opinions. Still, the more you write, the plumper you'll be for the reaping. Best of luck in the next round.

Commiserations to BSF. I thought your use of images was excellent and if you could have only swayed one more judge. Still, that loser's draw is starting to look pretty tasty.

Best Regards
Herremann the Wise