Ceramic DM Winter 07 (Final Judgment Posted)

[yangnome]

Thanks Mythago. When I read your story, I already knew the result. Out in the first round.

Great feedback from all three judges. No laundry list of excuses. It was fun. It did encourage me to write again.

My original idea was to have the dancing be something that the Princess would have to learn, to show that she was serious about becoming a consort to the King in their country. My ideas panned out to being more than I ended up with time for to bring to the story. I wanted to hint at something more to the princess, but not reveal it until the final scene.

If I can find the time, I'll expand on this entry as an exercise for myself. The reviews will help me make it better as well.

Thank you, again, it has been fun. Now I just get to read and enjoy.

GW

I think the idea has a lot of potential. There's plenty of story material leading up to the marriage and potentially some after your point. I really could see this idea developed into a longer short story, or even a novel (or series of novels). Let us know what you get out of rewriting it.

 

[Berandor]

1. comment on drawmack's response to my response.
[sblock]

I was going for tounge in cheeck and really playing up the boring aspect of detective work. Taking what is a very interesting case and making it too easy. Remember his opening line about detective work being boring.

Ah, I see. Perhaps stressing the parody a little more would help in getting that better across then? E.g. "By now you're probably expecting a hard interrogation. In reality, though, people like to talk, even about things they shouldn't. My job is just being the person who will listen. Basically, my job is show (up), and they'll tell."

Or something. Notice the little innuendo I put in there?

Yeah, I probably could have wasted a few words explaining these things. I'm always scared of boring the judges with description and tend to focus more on keeping the action going.

It is very hard to decide where to stop explaining. If you do too little, you confuse the reader. If you do to much, you seem to be condescending or, at the very least, it's boring.

On this, I miscalculated and thought my story was due yesterday. Just me pulling a stupid.

Hey, at least you used the right pictures!
[/sblock]

Now, my running commentary to the next two writers who delivered:
[sblock]
tadk: I loved your beginning! The description, the atmosphere of Thailand is wonderfully dense, and the first picture was awesomely used, giving it a quality of sadness and reality I very much enjoyed. When you talk about how things changed over night, it really intrigued me. Where I think the entry falters a little is in the meeting itself; I didn't fully understand what was happening there and why PS was laughed off, whether he was the small guy in the picture or whether that was TM and what the talk about remaking oneself was about. I liked the ending that basically described a failure, a Midnight-kind-of world where shadows *do* haunt you. Aside from the first picture, the others weren't that strongly integrated, and there were some spelling mistakes I noticed. But I still liked it a lot.

Rodrigo Istalindir: Very, very nice. To me, quite possibly the best story of round 1 (the three missing pieces notwithstanding). The one thing I got a little confused about was the coffin picture; did the father die, or did our hero fake another death? Especially since we start the story with the fake suicide, I half expected daddy to show up at the wedding and I was wondering whether I'd buy such a change of heart. If daddy died, however, then the coffin scene would seem (assonance!) a little weak, so I'm not sure what to believe. Also, I was curious why the protagonist never even checks to see whether the flat tire can be replaced. But I liked the idea behind it, the characters, the plot, the whole shebang. Should you proceed, I hope you'll face anyone except me in round two [/sblock]

 

[tadk]

Well, I'd be willing to share it (once I went over the draft a final time), but it's written in German, so... I don't know.

Thank you
Well worst case i would run it through an online translation site and get an idea

or not
All good and best of luck in CDM

 

[Rodrigo Istalindir]

In reply to Berandor, spoilered for your safety:

[sblock]

Rodrigo Istalindir: Very, very nice. To me, quite possibly the best story of round 1 (the three missing pieces notwithstanding). The one thing I got a little confused about was the coffin picture; did the father die, or did our hero fake another death? Especially since we start the story with the fake suicide, I half expected daddy to show up at the wedding and I was wondering whether I'd buy such a change of heart. If daddy died, however, then the coffin scene would seem (assonance!) a little weak, so I'm not sure what to believe. Also, I was curious why the protagonist never even checks to see whether the flat tire can be replaced. But I liked the idea behind it, the characters, the plot, the whole shebang. Should you proceed, I hope you'll face anyone except me in round two

He died. I'd started a scene with the father and the cops, but didn't think I could flesh it out right iin time and decided to cut it rather than rush it. I figured him not ratting out his daughter to the cops at the cabin was a hint that maybe he'd had, if not a change of heart, at least a slight thaw. The coffin scene is weak; I was trying to leverage the father dying without reconciling into selling Charlie's decision to accept things, and hence make his change of heart more believeable.

Thanks for the kind words. I've been trying to work in more first-person stuff, which doesn't come naturally.[/sblock]

 

[Berandor]

In reply to Berandor, spoilered for your safety:

Ahh! I looked!
[sblock]

He died. I'd started a scene with the father and the cops, but didn't think I could flesh it out right iin time and decided to cut it rather than rush it. I figured him not ratting out his daughter to the cops at the cabin was a hint that maybe he'd had, if not a change of heart, at least a slight thaw.

That's totally okay in my book. After all, it was still his daughter, and most of the connected guys try to do it their own way or no way; his way didn't work out, but that's no reason to sic the cops on her. And perhaps a little thaw was there, too, deathbed and all.

Thanks for the kind words. I've been trying to work in more first-person stuff, which doesn't come naturally.

I always found it funny when years ago, people were saying first person narrative was the go-to perspective for beginning writers because it was easier to write, if harder to pull off perfectly.
[/sblock]

 

[tadk]

Now, my running commentary to the next two writers who delivered:
[sblock]
tadk: I loved your beginning! The description, the atmosphere of Thailand is wonderfully dense, and the first picture was awesomely used, giving it a quality of sadness and reality I very much enjoyed. When you talk about how things changed over night, it really intrigued me. Where I think the entry falters a little is in the meeting itself; I didn't fully understand what was happening there and why PS was laughed off, whether he was the small guy in the picture or whether that was TM and what the talk about remaking oneself was about. I liked the ending that basically described a failure, a Midnight-kind-of world where shadows *do* haunt you. Aside from the first picture, the others weren't that strongly integrated, and there were some spelling mistakes I noticed. But I still liked it a lot.
[/sblock]

[sblock]
Thank you very much for the kind words. It did most of what I wanted it to do. Actually the main character is never in any of the pics. In my mind TM was the dwarf and damned if I knew what to do with the snail pic other than that sudden inspiration to show how run down, taken out by life and the things behind the scenes had the control down.
Overall I am glad with my story, if I had not had to use those pics, then I think I would have done a better job.
Tad
[/sblock]

 

[tadk]

Um yeah. And what sort of drugs should I be doing to make a connection between these pictures, sadist?

eek is all i say

eek

 

[Berandor]

tadk, I'm not sure a babelfish-translation would work. I'd rather give you a rundown on the story (in sblocks).

[sblock]
Dramatis Personae:
Robert, our protagonist
Simon Schuster, his employee and mentor
Tim, a rogue hedge wizard
Anne, an employee of Simon Schuster
extras

Frame narrative 1
Robert enters his apartment. He locks the door and makes sure the mirrors are covered by sheets of cloth. He enters the bathroom and washes blood off his hands

Scene 1
Robert enters Simon Schusters office. We learn that Robert just finished his degree at a prestigious occult university in the US and that Schuster paid the tuition fees. Schuster wants Robert to investigate into a possible leak of information at his company. The boyfriend of one of his employees is a amateur hedge wizard, and Robert is to find out what the guy knows about a macguffin secret project. Robert hesitates for a moment on account of his conscience, but accepts (as if he had any choice)

Scene 2
Robert ambushes Tim (the hedge wizard) in front of a rock club. In this scene, we learn that
a) magic works by drawing runes in blood
b) casting spells in front of "norms" is dangerous
c) the world as we know it is a comforting illusion; there are dark things afoot, and casting spells in front of norms is like a beacon to these things.
d) Robert is able to pierce the illusory veil and see how things really are.
Using subterfuge and luck, Robert manages to incapacitate Tim and distract his friends long enough to abduct the guy.

Frame narrative 2
Back in the apartment, Robert shies from his reflection in the window, wondering whether Simon Schuster has already sent out his monsters to kill him, and whether they'll be able to enter via the window. He closes the curtains, knowing that if Schuster wants him dead, that won't protect him anyway.

Scene 3
Robert interrogates Tim in an empty warehouse. He tries to get a reaction by exposing Tim to snakes and spiders, but the guy keeps his cool. He does panic, though, when presented with a box full of big bugs. Tim spills that Anne, the employee, is behind all the stolen data. Satisfied, Robert shows how all the critters were just illusions meant to frighten Tim, and then goes to call Schuster on his cell phone. Schuster tells Robert to take care of Tim, and to go see Anne, try to talk sense into her, but not to harm her. Robert heads back into the warehouse, fishing for his knife. We are left wondering if he kills Tim...

Scene 4
...but not for long. Standing in front of Anne's apartment, Robert ponders whether letting Tim go with a final warning was the right thing to do. As he enters the apartment, he is filled with a strange longing. Sensual music is playing, a musky smell is in the air, candles are glowing, and Anne is irresistably beautiful and scarcely dressed. It only takes moments, and they kiss passionately. She leads him into her bedroom, but a nagging feeling helps him concentrate just long enough to pierce the veil and see Anne as the monster she really is, with bugs crawling all over her naked body and into her... empty eye sockets. Realizing she's been discovered, Anne pushes Robert away and tries to invoke an escape portal on her bedroom mirror, but Robert smashes the mirror and is forced to fight, and kill Anne by stabbing her and cutting her heart out.

Frame narrative 3
The alarm clock rings. Robert heads into the bathroom and, on an impulse, uncovers the mirror. In it, he sees Schuster's newest monster: himself. He heads into the shower and gets ready for a new day at work.
The end.[/sblock]

 

[questing gm]

Will be posting mine shortly....i know i'm late and felt that i have done a terrible job (this is something so new to me than expected). Does this mean an automatic disqualification?

 

[questing gm]

The cultist of Smik has opened a temple in a small town where man and women dress in garbs of cloth rather than having them fitted properly. The goddess Smik, the patron of spa, mannacures and information keeping has created a ruckus among the females and they have gathered in troves outside her temple [pic 1] . The men that were standing by are probably aspirants who wished to joined the ranks of her clergy as hairdressers. It is interesting to imagine that while that such a religion of intensive haircare would find its worshippers in this small town, they didn't have one that have tailors or at least embroidery for priest or plumbers for that matter.

As a captain of the New Yauk Policing Defenders I have been dispatched to curb a potential rebellion of angry women that lined up in the streets demanding for shampoo, conditioners and spare time to chat with their servants or just among each other. I'm not alone in this quest to maintain law in order in his majesty's honor. There have been also factions that do not see the rise of the church of Smik as something beneficial position. One of them has even sent some 'assistants' to aid in my quest. The Guild of Rock, heavily armed bards of the kingdom that manisfest angry rages when performing on stage with shouting crowds, hypnotic lights and breaking personal property. I was told that they are capable fighters and with their constantly menancing appearance even in studded leather armor, I was assured to be working with the finest of their agent.

Rock music, an invention of the dwarves who lives in their rocky mountains. When they first discover the concept or rhytmn beside their endless chanting rituals, using steel against rock it was probably a natural to give it a name that remains them of their stoned roots. As I was about to leave the Sheriff's office with my writ from the Feudal Board of Inquisition,

I met with my companions just before the gate that leads outside of town. Crotek and Phelix [pic2] . Crotek, a native dwaft that was spawned from the long-line of famous dwarven rocker bands (as their labour union calls it) but certainly a far cry from the notorious Mithralicca. Phelix, not neccesarily the oddest rocker that is generated from the human fans of rock music (again Mithralicca was a big influence) but unusual non the lest. Aside from the formal dress code of the Rocker's Guild, the compulsory hair length and studded leather armor accompanied by any studded accessories, Phelix wore a pair of colorful breeches outside from where it should be kept in. Apparently I was told that he was formally a member of a clergy that preached liberation, peace and smoking pots of inducive drugs. They wore round amulets with a three branched twigs pointed downward as their holy symbol. I didn't dare to imagine or explain to myself the relation between his former beliefs with his current career choice except that there were an extension of each other, some way.....or another.

We stumbled upon a Shelia on our journey who lived in an observation post. She decided to join us in her quest to defeat the cult of Smik because to advance their sacred blessings, they have been testing their haircare products on animals. She is a member of a secret circle of druids that actively pursue to save the lives of animals especially one that has found itself on the wrong side of the heroic adventurer's blade. One of their most secret successes in their activities has been the provisional banning of dragon-slaying by classify them as an endangered species much to the danger they posed to the nearby communities. It is the battle that these secret members of druids fight to preserve ecological over logical balance, that they have called their organization Greenwar.

When we entered the temple of the Smik cult [pic3] , the battle was quick but devastating. The battle songs that we brought were inspirational to Crotek and Phelix who rained havoc and destruction like a pair of bulls unleashed in a china shop. Soon, the fight was over but in their war trance Crotek managed to cut himself from one of the scissors lying around.

In eager need of healing to Crotek's wounds, the druid pulled out a bottle and opened its top. She placed her palm at the opening while she poured the content of the white and non-biodegradable material with a label that said 'Keep Away from Children'. A piece of green jelly-like substance fell onto his outreached palm, she screwed back the top and placed it back into his pocket. With a socially unreadable expression that feints cold professionalism, she handed Crotek the 'thing'.

'Eat it' she said.

'What is it ?' Crotek disgressed because he didn't want to put anything mysterious things in his mouth and green was always mysterious.

'Chlorofilth, it helps to close the wounds. It's good for you just like the same reasons why your mothers tell you to finish your greens.', she replied reminding me of my mother and her membership in the Green Alliance of Mothers.

'I'm not comfortable with the notion that you named it after a sewerage product...' he answered still resistant to green coloring in food products.

'Be grateful that I am not telling you to chew weed instead of an urban processed medication!'.

He swallowed his saliva once as he tried to imagine what it would feel like when this
'Chlorofilth' goes down his throat. Without success of convincing myself, he scarily scooped the icky 'Chlorofilth' with his fingernail and opened his mouth wide [pic4] . Crotek's eyes narrowed at the slim till my vision converged as though he was looking right with my left eye and vice versa. Phelix and I glared as hard as he did, anticipating with anxiety on what will happen once it finds itself down my digestion tract. In a blink and all hands on deck, it slided down his tongue and gone into the abyss of his stomach. When he opened my eyes, he looked at her and said.

'Taste like candy...'