Closure with letter writing exercise. ADVICE NEEDED

[AuroraGyps]

Yeah, I know. Thank God for the internet, or the only people I'd talk to were cashiers and my mom. I've always had a wicked, sarcastic sense of humor (my ex-husband used to joke that the apocalypse could be going on and I'd still be making sarcastic comments). I tend to joke around mostly... well, when I'm not lost in the deep, dark pits of depression. I really try to deal with most things, even my problems, with a light perspective... it's just in my nature and to be honest, I probably would've tried to really kill myself years ago (luckily, I've never even made an attempt ).
And don't forget, I can take my time writing and if I write something stupid... delete, delete, delete. Also, I'm an only child, so I'm used to keeping myself amused and I act much goofier around the house, where only the cat can see me (I think she only puts up with it, because she can't open the cat food cans and because I let her drink her water from a people glass... yup, she's weird just like her mom ).
Basically, I say, "I like people, they just freak me out." Unfortunately, the more people make me all freaked out and stressed, my "people I like" list is getting smaller & smaller.

 

[Umbra]

I can take my time writing

Getting back to writing the letter...
A couple of suggestions:

* You don't have to write it all at once. You could write one paragraph about a very specific detail and then let it go for a day before doing another. Keep them in seperate documents so you don't read them all before doing the next one. In fact, I'd suggest not reading one you have written during the following week.

* Write in the third person. Not "I feel like x when you do y" but AuroraGyps felt x when John Doe did y". This can be a great way to clarify things for yourself.

 

[devilish]

You know one observation I'll make AuroraGyps is that through this digital format you seem to be able to communicate with people on equal footing. Just an observation.

Crazy, ridiculous, do-not-attempt-this-at-home idea but I'm reckless and will
suggest it : then everyone can throw stones at me....disclaimer, disclaimer, disclaimer!!

you seem to be able to write to us about this things pretty well. In fact, you've
written more to us about what's wrong then in the letter to your ex-.
Want to tell us more --- things, of course, that you don't mind that could
possibly be sent to everyone in the cyberverse and stored on google in a
google search .... but do you want to tell us more?

 

[AuroraGyps]

Crazy, ridiculous, do-not-attempt-this-at-home idea but I'm reckless and will
suggest it : then everyone can throw stones at me....disclaimer, disclaimer, disclaimer!!

you seem to be able to write to us about this things pretty well. In fact, you've
written more to us about what's wrong then in the letter to your ex-.
Want to tell us more --- things, of course, that you don't mind that could
possibly be sent to everyone in the cyberverse and stored on google in a
google search .... but do you want to tell us more?

Perhaps, maybe. I don't know, part of the whole closure thing is to write it down "like" you were might send it, but if you never do, that's ok. While I'm writing the letter I might bounce stuff off you guys for advice, but I'm not sure I want the WHOLE thing on the net.

Which reminds me... is there some kind of rule about language used in this writing exercise? Like swearing and name calling? I mean, if I'm supposed to be honest about my feelings and they might include some cursing or calling someone something, is there a line? I know not to make threats and I don't plan on it anyways. The language thing though? Cause you all know I most likely have some prize words/names for my ex, his new wife (who, and I'm not sure if I ever mentioned this before, I believe was part of the reason that he left... to be with her, but I'm not sure he cheated on me while we we're married... although he's told alot of lies...), and some my ex friends. I won't call any of his family names, because they're his family, but I do have some things to say about them. Just wondering.

 

[randomling]

In the writing exercise? On the boards, we have the "grandma rule" so you might need to be a little careful about what you say in anything you post here, but you likely knew that already.

In an exercise like the one you're doing, it seems like there are no rules or restraints on what you can or can't say. The the exercise, surely, is to get your feelings out on paper. Part of the point of the exercise is simply to have those feelings expressed. The other useful thing is that afterwards your feelings are there, on paper, for you to look at (and only you, if you want. You don't even have to show it to your therapist if you don't want to). There is no "should" for this exercise; it's here to help you, and you can use it any way you think it'll help you.

With that in mind, I'd advise you to write whatever the heck you want. Swear and curse. Call him, his friends, and even his family if you want to, every name under the sun. Throw insults about like confetti. Make threats, if you want. Tell your ex and anyone else who treated you like crap exactly what you'd like to do to them if you got them alone in a room with a sharp object. You're safe. You can burn it after it's written, if you like. No one is going to know what you said. It sounds like you have lots of anger to get out: good. It sounds like they deserve your anger. Get it out.

If after you've done that, you want to refine your letter down into something you feel is sendable, go right ahead. Writing something that will make your ex understand what he did to you is different from spewing your feelings out onto paper no holds barred, and OK, I'm not entirely sure which you're after. But if you're going to make him understand what he did to you, maybe a good first step is to write it down and see it in black and white for yourself?

(Oh, and it's the hardest thing in the world, but try not to censor yourself too much when you're writing that first draft.)

In any case, you've got an email on the way.

 

[Chimera]

Been there, done that, even sent one or two of them. So I have some suggestions and advice.

* DO NOT SEND IT. I wrote a 7 page letter to my ex-wife after our divorce was final, then cut it down to 3 and ended up sending that version to her and a number of her friends and relatives (so she couldn't make up false claims of what I'd written). It was like handing gasoline to a person just waiting to spontaneously combust. She had a total meltdown (she's mentally ill) and went off the deep end with paranoid claims - even in the face of proof that I didn't write the things she claimed.

* If you handle working with the computer well, then write it on your computer. This allowed me to re-compose, delete sections, reword things at will, etc. You might find that you regret what you put to paper, or find a better way of saying it after writing it. It also makes it very easy to delete.

* As someone else said, write it with no intent to send it. Just to reinforce the "I don't intend to send this" vibe. Then open up and pour your heart out. Say anything and everything.

* DO NOT CALL. I cannot stress that enough. With a phone call, there is evidence that you called (phone records), but they can make up any claim they want as to what you said. If there is any tension AT ALL between you, then studiously avoid calling. (My ex-wife tried to call me about 30 times and never left a message - until I finally had her number blocked. Then she claimed that not only had she NEVER called me, but that I had been calling daily to harass her. Despite the fact that she had changed her number (to an unlisted) and I didn't know it.)

* Keep it on your computer (as above). Read and re-read it as often as you feel the need. Add to it if you feel the need. Then, when you don't need it anymore, delete it.

I don't know about you, but I couldn't "forgive", because "forgive" to me means that the other person has admitted error and repented. But I found that I could "let go". This means that I found that I could let go of the need for justice, the need to hang on to the pain. To just let her go her own way. In my case, it was made easier by her very public meltdown. I realized that no matter what I wished for her, no matter how much I wanted "justice" for the incredible lies and visciousness....there was no hell that I could wish upon her that would be worse than the one that she had created for herself.

Oh and again, don't send it.

 

[AuroraGyps]

Been there, done that, even sent one or two of them. So I have some suggestions and advice.

* DO NOT SEND IT. I wrote a 7 page letter to my ex-wife after our divorce was final, then cut it down to 3 and ended up sending that version to her and a number of her friends and relatives (so she couldn't make up false claims of what I'd written). It was like handing gasoline to a person just waiting to spontaneously combust. She had a total meltdown (she's mentally ill) and went off the deep end with paranoid claims - even in the face of proof that I didn't write the things she claimed.

Well, luckily, I was/am the mentally ill person in out relationship, so I don't think he'd go nuts. He might get really angry and feel guilty, but he wouldn't go off the deep end.

* If you handle working with the computer well, then write it on your computer. This allowed me to re-compose, delete sections, reword things at will, etc. You might find that you regret what you put to paper, or find a better way of saying it after writing it. It also makes it very easy to delete.

I'm good online, like posting on this board, but I'm kinda old fashioned and like writing w/ pen & paper. Besides, if I'm going to be writing a letter that I know I'm gonna get all emotional while writing, I want to be comfy in my easy chair or sitting in bed, and not be sitting all upright & uptight in a desk chair.

* As someone else said, write it with no intent to send it. Just to reinforce the "I don't intend to send this" vibe. Then open up and pour your heart out. Say anything and everything.

Totally. I'm mostly doing this to get it all out of my system. Sending it would most likely have no effect on him anyways.

* DO NOT CALL. I cannot stress that enough. With a phone call, there is evidence that you called (phone records), but they can make up any claim they want as to what you said. If there is any tension AT ALL between you, then studiously avoid calling. (My ex-wife tried to call me about 30 times and never left a message - until I finally had her number blocked. Then she claimed that not only had she NEVER called me, but that I had been calling daily to harass her. Despite the fact that she had changed her number (to an unlisted) and I didn't know it.)

I haven't been on the phone with my ex for over a year, since just before he got remarried. I have sent hime a few e-mails, mostly about trying to get somethings of mine from his current (my ex) friends and him. I also sent him a message about how I was going to be leaving Buffalo (when, I'm not sure) and how, while I'm not entitled to the information, it bothered me that I'd found out he'd had a kid by stumbling onto his website instead of him sending me a quick email to warn me himself. That's not the kind of thing you want sprung on you that way or maybe bumping into an ex frined or something.

I don't know about you, but I couldn't "forgive", because "forgive" to me means that the other person has admitted error and repented. But I found that I could "let go". This means that I found that I could let go of the need for justice, the need to hang on to the pain. To just let her go her own way. In my case, it was made easier by her very public meltdown. I realized that no matter what I wished for her, no matter how much I wanted "justice" for the incredible lies and visciousness....there was no hell that I could wish upon her that would be worse than the one that she had created for herself.

Yeah, kinda the same thing here. It's kinda a long story (which I might try to sum up the main points and post on here so you guys really know my whole story... you've all been really helpful, but knowing more than just bits & pieces might give you a better picture of me), but a lot of the anger and hurt now is from the fact that he came out smelling like a rose with everyone sticking with him and him having a great life, while I'm struggling to get by day by day because of my problems, emotional damage done to me by people during/after the divorce, and mistakes that WE made while we were married.

Thanks for the advice. Every little bit helps.