Closure with letter writing exercise. ADVICE NEEDED

[CherubKid]

AuroraGyps,

3 things, maybe one of them will help...?

First, Write without any intention of sending it.
This will free you to say what you feel, instead of planning how he might react.

Second, Putting all of those screaming, frustrating, recurring thoughts onto paper really does help to quiet the heart and mind.

Last, if it's hard getting started, try making it a list instead.
I can spend hours trying to word my sentences just right, but I get a lot further if I itemize and get it all out of my system at once. You can always write something formal later.

Warm Wishes,
cherubkid

 

[AuroraGyps]

I wouldn't suggest calling cause that will make him feel weird and dredge up horrible feelings with you.

Well, I don't really care if I dredge up horrible feelings with me, and that's part of the scary part. The amount of anger & bitterness I have for what he and others did to me is scary. While I don't think sending the letter would do much, if he felt guilty or angry at me, I don't really care.
That's why I hope writing this letter will help. I don't like feeling so angry, cause really, I'm a nice person. Unfortunatly, the way I was treated did ALOT of emotional damage, and I was already dealing with depression and the anxiety thing while I was married. If the letter did ANYTHING, I'd hope it would make whoever read it be more careful in the way they treat people in the future.

 

[LightPhoenix]

I really don't think the point is to send it to him. My therapist said something to me, and I think it may be somewhat pertinent here as well. Forgiveness does nothing for the person you're forgiving... forgiveness is all about yourself. Writing the letter isn't going to change anything, except to hopefully make you feel better, so there's no point to sending it if you don't want to. In fact, knowing you're going to send it will automatically make you be guarded, which also isn't the point, I don't think.

Just two cents, but I would ask the therapist about sending the letter before you do it, if you choose to.

 

[devilish]

The goal is to just do it. (sorry, Nike.) Along with a little guidance....

AuroraGyps,

if you have a few hours to spend uninterrupted (and I think you do because
you're here reading...) then read this, then follow it:

1) turn away/off the computer.
2) open one of the red books
3) take out a pen or pencil - doesn't have to be fancy for this step.
4) open to the front page --- no thinking!!!!!!
5) Write the following (filling in the <> as necessary )
"Dear <ex's full name>
I need to write down what I'm feeling right now because I hurt
inside. Here's what I'm feeling: <list 4 emotions>"

NOW, start thinking *and* feeling. Write it. Write it if it doesn't make sense
Write something even if you can't think of anything ... write "I can't think
of anything right now I'm feeling so <emotion>! I have nothing to write! I
have nothing to write! I have nothing to write!"

Keep this up until it gets painful, then look at the clock, and write for 5 minutes
more.

Do it now! Don't respond to this thread until you've done so.

And good luck.

-D

 

[AuroraGyps]

I really don't think the point is to send it to him. My therapist said something to me, and I think it may be somewhat pertinent here as well. Forgiveness does nothing for the person you're forgiving... forgiveness is all about yourself. Writing the letter isn't going to change anything, except to hopefully make you feel better, so there's no point to sending it if you don't want to. In fact, knowing you're going to send it will automatically make you be guarded, which also isn't the point, I don't think.

I don't think I will EVER forgive him, or his family and his friends, for how I was treated. Even if I don't forgive, I have to work on not being so angry and bitter. I don't know if I'll ever send this thing either, but I'm not afraid to be honest to him about how I feel. When he decided he wanted a divorce, he said he had to be selfish... when I needed to to tell him how things were effecting me (when telling a therapist or my mom didn't help), I told him, saying that I had to be selfish too, for my own health.

Devilish, thanks for the advice. Unfortunately, I have some time dependant things I'm working on and need to concentrate on. However, I plan to do exactly what you recommended once some of these other things are straightened out, which should hopefully be by the end of this week, if not sooner (& I'm hoping for sooner). It's a lot of paperwork and dealing with people, both of which I'm very bad at and get really, really stressed out about. So, "the letter" will have to wait until some of these other things are ironed out, cause I can't fit more on my plate (which doesn't hold much of anything... it's more like a saucer, than a plate :\ ). Thanks for the advice though.

 

[fusangite]

It sounds like your therapist's approach is quite different from that of therapists with whom I have dealt. Good luck with the letter. Have you posted this idea to any divorce coping message boards? Many have very dedicated and experienced posters who feel they owe a debt to the board for its help in getting them through their crisis and so do just a superb job in providing advice and support. A recently divorced friend has found a couple of these incredibly valuable in dealing with the collapse of his marriage.

While I question whether penning the letter will result in the closure you seek, my advice is to wait until a moment when you are especially enraged at your ex-spouse and sit down at the computer and begin typing furiously. That should produce a pretty good first draft.

 

[Torm]

I don't think I will EVER forgive him, or his family and his friends, for how I was treated.

Maybe not. But bear in mind that forgiveness is about letting go of the grudge and the pain - NOT about being stupid and opening yourself back up to people who hurt you like nothing ever happened. Always forgive, never forget. Or at least, that's the idea.

Ask yourself this: What do I want to happen to these people in the rest of their lives? The answer may be something pretty negative, right now. You'll have gone a long way toward healing yourself and clearing out a bunch of junk clogging up your mind when you reach a point where you can truly answer, "I don't care", or maybe even, "I wish them well - just away from me." And if you're already there, then you're better off than you think, maybe.

 

[AuroraGyps]

And if you're already there, then you're better off than you think, maybe.

Yeah, I'm totally NOT there. It's such a long, painful thing that would have been hard enough for a "regular" person, but all this happened ON TOP OF me having the depression and the social anxiety thing, and these people that I thought were my friends and family still treated me awful. It was like I just kept being kicked while I was down over & over for almost three years. Now, almost 4 years later, it looks like everyone is totally happy: getting married, having kids, etc, & it's like I never existed or I was some kind of bad luck thing. As for me, I'm so gun shy and screwed up from what happened, I don't even know how to make friends, I'm afraid to make friends, so I spend all my time alone w/ my cat. I applied for SSI and was turned down, which I get to appeal (which will take about 2 years), and I'm on Medicaid, food stamps, and state aid, & am on temporary disability (the anxiety thing). I stayed in Buffalo because I love it and it has so many opportunities to offer, but it hasn't been very lucky for my.
It all makes me wonder what is so wrong with me. It hurts that the people I cared about the most, even though things were messed up, didn't want to take a last chance to fix things with me. They all went with the ex... in fact, I think they were all my friends only because I WAS his SO. I have no friends I'm in contact with from High School, because I wasn't in school cause of the anxiety thing, and I guess "outta sight, outta mind". All my life I wanted a "normal life". Ya know, in HS, ya hang with friends, learn to drive, have a part time job, take the SATs, & apply to colleges (well, most of you I'm guessing). I never did any of that. I didn't even attend my own HS graduation (which I only made it because of a home tutor) because I had an anxiety attack while I was getting ready. I made it to the ceremony and sat in the audience ("I'd be next, Mom"). I was in a 10 year relationship (7 of which we lived in Buffalo and WE, my EX & I, were totally lax about my medical care and made a bunch of other mistakes), and all I got out of it was a cat (who had no choice in the matter, but still loves me).
I really like people and I hate that I have this stupid problem that makes it difficult for me to be around them and also for them to be around me. Sometimes I wish I had the $ so I could go be a eccentric hermit and live off somewhere by myself. I keep trying to get it right and I don't know how... and very rarely do you meet someone that gives helpful advice and instead acts like a insensitive jerk.
I'm done ranting for now. I'm gonna go cry on my cat (who is almost over her cold and feeling much better and won't eat dinner without Mommy around ). Plus, The Tonight Show looks like it might be funny and Jack Hanna's on Letterman (that guy is SO clueless). Thanks for listening and for the support and the advice. I swear, I'm really much more fun in person.

 

[AuroraGyps]

Sorry for venting

I just wanted to apologize for spewing a bunch angst last night in my post. I just have a bunch of things on my mind, mostly paperwork, and when I get overwhelmed, I kinda get freaked out and ramble. Today, I just took it easy. I didn't make any phone calls, and only had to wait around for one, and tried to not think of all that stuff. I ordered in chinese (the best moo shu chicken I've ever had... the cat & I had a feast, plus we have left overs). I'm going to veg the rest of the night in front of the TV, clipping coupons and making a grocery list, finish some laundry up, and make sure I have everything I need to go out in the "great white north" weather we're having here in Buffalo tomorrow afternoon. Plus, I'm gonna get my hair cut Friday, and that'll make me feel so great (I finally found a great hairdresser @ Super Cuts... $15 w/ tip for a wash and a great cut).
Anyways, again, I'm sorry if I brought anybody down.

 

[LightPhoenix]

I just wanted to apologize for spewing a bunch angst last night in my post.

See, that's the point of the exercise. Spewing angst. It's like puking after being really drunk, it tends to make you feel a bit better. Not great, but a little better. Besides, I'd gladly read a post full of angst if it was helpful in any way.