I'm not big for serious topics, but I really feel like I need help/advice here.
(snip)
I want to run a good game, have everyone have fun, and have everyone participate to the level that they desire.
Unfortunately, I don't know that I can achieve all (or any) of these goals.
Does anyone have experience gaming with folks (or are you, yourself, a gamer) with social anxiety disorder? What can I do to
help her come out of her shell and enjoy the game to the fullest extent she wants to?
I don't know how to answer this without making myself sound crazy, but here goes anyway. I'm sure this will turn in to something long (sorry in advance) ...
I, too, have the EXACT same issue she does. I
LOVE story and roleplay and at the table I desperately want to just open my mouth and be more in character or do silly things but I have so many internal issues (that, yes, more than one therapist has officially classified as Social Anxiety Disorder, as well as other things, but that's besides the point). One (of many) reasons I try to be involved in D&D is to try and get myself to open up some more.
When I play purely online D&D games (such as over email or over IMs with friends) I have actually been called the most creative/interactive/descriptive/involved/etc player, but stick me at a table with everyone and I am a clam.
I will just say a few things I've learned over the years of my attempt to make D&D a social experience for myself, followed by a sentence on how you might be able to incorporate something similar for her/your game....
1) I can't actively think of it; I can't put pressure on myself (or on the DM), if it happens, it happens, if not, I have to just go with the enjoyment that I did have and pat myself on the back for the little things I was able to say at the table (even if it was a simple "I hit him with a stick").
For you, this basically means, you have to step back and accept the fact that you are not responsible here, she has issues well beyond your game and all within herself... so don't feel pressure, try to help her enjoy the specific game experience you are all sharing? Sure. Put pressure on yourself to make it work? No.
2) I make it a point to try and visually describe at least one attack per session. For physical things it means using adjectives (Rather than "I move here and attack with my sword" I think of adjectives on how I move or how I swing the sword - wildly, deftly, etc). For magical things it means I can be more visual (Rather than "I cast lightning bolt" it turns in to "a bolt of lightning shoots from my hand"). Does it always work? HECK NO! In fact, in all my
years of D&D as a player I've probably only been able to spit it out
a couple times. But I try and at least
think of the adjective/visual on the off chance that one day again it accidentally spits out of my mouth. I don't have to yell out the description, I can say it as quietly as need be, and if people don't hear, then I only repeat the basic action without the fluff added (the fact that I said it once is enough).
For you, this basically means lead by example -- I don't know how flavorful you do things normally, but when describing monster actions try and do something similar. Do not always go over the top with this or else she'll feel like the bar is set very high. But this way, she may subconciously pick up on it and start doing the same (which, she will feel good about). Just something to consider anyway.
3) As said above, I LOVE the interactive story nature of the game (and it sounds like your player does too). If you're playing 4e, check the DMG for the storyteller player type (that's pretty much me). To make myself more involved, I make sure to write down all the NPC names and plot points and such, that way if we're trying to remember someone, I am able to flip through my notes. It lets me be involved with concrete facts that I can spew out rather than feel embaressed that I'm saying something creatively wrong.
For you, this means to keep her involved at story points -- if the group is trying to remember the name of an NPC or plot point, ask her if she remembers. If she doesn't remember (or she says doesn't remember even if she does) then don't belabor it and move on to ask another quiet person in your group. Or maybe once at the start of a session, when you're "busy setting up" ask if she wants to start the recap of last session and
after she's done, fill in any points that she may have missed, maybe ask different players to do it every time so that she isn't the first (and not the last nor only one) to have to do it. If, and only if, you're feeling bold and she comes to you again asking for ways to help herself, ask her if she wants to keep a rough campaign log and then read that out to recap every session. (so that she isn't singled out with an extra task, make sure other people have one too -- like somoene to keep track of party treasure to split up each session, etc)
4) i make it a point to refer to people by their character name when talking in game. it's a small thing but internally, to me, it makes a huge difference. It helps if the others are doing this too.
For you, as a DM, it's not a bad example to set -- not just for NPC conversations but even when calling out initiative, it's not "player's turn" but it's "character's turn." Over time she will pick it up and get more involved that way. (Of course, you may well already be doing this).
5) I can't draw attention to my problems.
For you, as the DM, whatever you do, DO NOT tell the other players about how she feels. One accidental joke, or even her own paranoia that others now "know about her problem" will make her feel worse. She may have just sabatoged herself by telling you, because (if I were her) I would feel even more self concious now that the DM knows. So do not draw attention to it. And (I know it will be hard now that you do know) try not to seem like you are some how singling her out to do something in any way that other people don't have to do.
6) I know this will sound completely odd, but people LOVE it when I DM. And DMing does make me feel sick but it actually still feels good because I'm able to externalize all my apprehension in to the story I'm creating, and all the focus is on that, rather than worrying about myself. Not just talking one-shot dungeon crawls but immersive character-driven campaigns where all the characters have their backgrounds tied in to the story and what not (it goes with my love of the story aspect of the game). Albeit, when I first DMed, I did have to have it in a confined dungeon crawl type situation so that there were fewer variables for me to freak out over. But when I play with the same people that I just DMed for, I am unintentionally a clam again.
For you, this is actually a make or break thing. It could completely crush her if things didn't go right. So I will actually not suggest that she even try this unless it's her own idea (and to start small).
7) With time, comfort level rises and things get better
For you, this means that by the second, third, or tenth campaign with the group, she will get slightly more comfortable and interact a little more. So that is the main factor here regardless of all else!
8) I hate it when I am asked a question that forces me to think of my own/creative answer (as opposed to reading solida facts off my paper about NPCs) and everyone is stopped what they're doing waiting for me.
For you this means never put her on the spot. a minor question here or there? sure. a fact-based question? sure. but no point where the entire game table is stopping and looking at her response to your question (that involves coming up with a creative/RP/off the top of her head response. That's a freeze-up/throw-up/cry-on-the-way-home-as-she-relives-it-in-her-mind-a-dozen-times moment waiting to happen.
9) Emails are always easier to digest than face-to-face. I want to participate in the face-to-face, so I try and use emails to draw back to the table experience.
For you, I mention it for two reasons... one, it helps give you an idea of the mentality. Two, I don't know what you already do, but once in a while (not all the time) consider tossing out an 'after action report' type email and just talk about 'awesome game' and mention a highlight that every character did ('that crit that saved the day' 'the way so and so talked his way out of that' and so on -- be sure to have one for every character though). As cheesey as it sounds, it will let her think about the good/funny parts at the table and not think about how stupid she feels for doing or not doing something (which I guarentee you, she is thinking about even after she leaves the table).
10) When I look for a new group to join, I ALWAYS seek out a just-forming group (or group that will have at least 1 other new player). It just means that I don't walk in feeling like the outsider from the get-go, it makes things that much harder for me.
For you, this doesn't really mean much, just sharing what her perspective may be depending on whether or not the rest of you knew each other to start with.
I had a couple other points but over the course of typing out the above I've forgotten then. So I'll leave it at that and add more later if I remember ...
The main point out of all this is #7. -- With time, comfort level rises and things get better. Don't push or force anything. You'll find that hiding inside her is one of the best RPGers that has years worth of RPG-excitment just waiting to come out at the right time and in the right way.
Again, keep in mind that this is all based on my own experiences. Her situation seems similar so I shared some suggestions. But realize that not all suggestions will work for all groups or may not work well for her.
Wow that took a long time to type, again, sorry for its lengthiness.
