Dating Myth or Truth?

[fusangite]

So, following the important Bokononist precept of never following one's own advice, I'm posting a dating-related question on ENWorld. The reason I am doing so is essentially because I don't like the advice I'm receiving that is, based both on experience and theory, obviously correct. So, I'm hoping to pick up some anecdotal stories that will somehow militate against the vast body of evidence telling me very clearly what is going on.

Anyway, here is the issue: according to most texts I have read on the subject and anecdotal stories I have heard from friends, a woman's opinion about whether a man is attractive is formed in the first few minutes of meeting the individual and that while the woman's opinion of the man might change over time in other ways, her opinion of whether he is a potential mate will remain fixed at whatever was generated in that first impression.

Is there general agreement on this idea? Do people have evidence contradicting it?

 

[BiggusGeekus]

I have no idea if its true or not, but I'd still work out and dress nice.

I met my wife because I dumped $10 in the jukebox at the pool hall rotary club and she wanted to know what music I was forcing her to hear for the next couple of hours. I don't think she made up her mind about me until the second or third date though.

 

[Pinotage]

Is there general agreement on this idea? Do people have evidence contradicting it?

I met my wife while on a hiking trip to a mountain hut in the mountains where I lived. We'd shared a lift to the start of the hike, but while I was immediatly smitten with her, she didn't like me at all. In fact, a few years down the line she'd mentioned that'd she'd actually quite liked my best friend.

We remained friends, though, for a year of more before officially starting to date. While she probably had an opinion of me at that time, it certainly changed in the months following our meeting. Call me persistant, if you like, but I got the girl and I've been married for 7 years now.

Pinotage

 

[Desdichado]

I met my wife in high school. She didn't have "potential mate" on her mind in the least at that time. I'm curious what she thinks about this whole premise though; if I can get her to pick up the phone and call me back today, I'll see what she has to say.

 

[Henry]

I'll say yes, because my wife later told me that she always thought I was cute, though geeky, even when she met me in high school. This was 7 YEARS before we even became friends or started dating.

 

[freebfrost]

A definite "yes" vote here. My lady always tells me that she knew she would marry me the very first night we met.

She was right, of course.

 

[Thornir Alekeg]

Well, since I am a married man of eleven years, I know not pretend for a second to really understand the inner workings of the minds of women. With that caveat, I don't think my wife made the "potential mate" assessment when we first met, at least conciously. Maybe because she was dating someone else at the time. I think it was my actions to show her that I was better than the other guy that convinced her.

I also think it is probably not a smart idea to think that all women react to these things the same way. Some women probably domake that judgement, others probably not.

Dave

 

[Goobermunch]

I disagree. When my wife and I first met (5 years before our wedding), she didn't really find me attractive at all. (She still teases me about my bad hair). Things have obviously changed.

Another factor to consider is that a portion of attraction is based on self-confidence and the aura you project. That's a thing that is highly mutable over time.

--G

 

[Arravis]

My wife and I first met over Everquest, so I don't know what that means for first impressions, much less what kind of decision was made at the time.
By the time we met in person, we had known each other for two years, so I don't know if that counts as a "first" impression.

 

[der_kluge]

There was a radio station in Kansas City that discussed this once, and most of the women agreed, that "when the guy walks across the bar to meet them", they've "already decided whether or not they'll say yes to his advances, even before he speaks". So, cold as that is, I don't think it's the end-all rule.

For example, let's say someone gives you a cold shoulder, and then they suddenly find out you just won the Lotto, and now are a millionaire. That will probably change their opinion.

I don't know about my wife. The first time we met was with a group of people, and she was just getting over a cold. But I think she certainly thought there was some potential there.


Some relationships take longer to form, so I wouldn't dismiss it.