D&D 5E Dealing with a trouble player and a major blow up

[jgsugden]

The best thing we can all do, at this point, is nothing. He has advice. He can choose to follow it or not. At this point, this discussion seems to be more about attention seeking behavior than furthering a discussion.

 

[Arial Black]

Given your problems with these guys, and given your field of professional expertise, the best solution seems to be 'switch them off and on again'.

BTW, this soap opera is great! I can't wait for the next episode! I hope 'The Guy In Question' gets his come-upance, but the villians never do; too much fun.

 

[Majoru Oakheart]

The best thing we can all do, at this point, is nothing. He has advice. He can choose to follow it or not. At this point, this discussion seems to be more about attention seeking behavior than furthering a discussion.

Honestly, it wasn't my intention to start the discussion again. The discussion is never exactly good for me. It mostly consists of people telling me I'm not in my right mind, that there's something wrong with me, or that I'm insane for not wanting to lose my friends. It involves people telling me I must be lying because no one acts as badly as the guy in question. It involves people telling me that everything that happened was my fault and the guy in question has every right to act the way he does.

Trust me, the discussion does not make me feel good. But I felt obligated to update this thread because there were enough people who were nice to me near the beginning of the thread who I felt deserved a follow up. I tried to answer a couple of questions and concerns people had.

 

[GameOgre]

You know what I like to do when I'm playing rpg's with someone I have issues with? Talk and debate alignment! Also religion and politics! Man oh man what fun! If nobody is bloody by that point I just bring up Paladin's and how to fall! Woops! Now we are hospital bound! WEEEEEEEEE!

Erased the rest of my post as it would have gotten me banned.

 

[Azurewraith]

Hate to say it but it just looks like you guys cannot play together it happens sometimes to people just bring out the worst in each other regardless of any attempt at anything. Sometimes there is a reason why they don't get along be it old wounds or something else other times its just well at a base level there views are to different to get along. If there is some unresolved issue between you guys causing the inflammation address it worst case is there's a blowout again you say you tried and walk away.

I get that you enjoy play with the others at the table but how does this impact the others at the table its pretty awkward i bet so awkward the awkward turtle may need to come out. You may just need to drop out for the good of the group as you are this guys trigger and it sounds like he wont back out so maybe you should. If the game dissolves it dissolves maybe its for the best or maybe the group will continue without this guy and his gf or maybe without you but thats just life.

There are all ways more players especially with things like roll 20.

 

[steeldragons]

I think you are misreading some of the intentions and interpretations of the responses here, [MENTION=5143]Majoru Oakheart[/MENTION] . People do not think you're insane "for not wanting to lose your friends." That is admirable. Relationships take work and all of that.

People think you are insane that after everything we've read here (and other threads, if I'm not mistaken), you would consider these people (at least this particular person and I, personally, would throw in his girlfriend) as "friends" at all.

That is the crazy and, to some of us, incredibly immature part. They are bad for you. You apparently are bad for/with them (I, again personally, think there are severe behavioral issues here that you are not going to "fix" or somehow navigate peacefully).

The ONLY solution here (which as others have pointed out, you well know) is to STOP PLAYING WITH THEM! Do not have them in YOUR groups. Do not play in THEIR groups. At public play, simply do not sit at the same table. Cut off communications. Do not look for apologies. Do not MAKE apologies. Do not think or seek or accept to maintain a non-gaming "friendship" of chatting on the phone or getting coffee. Cut. Them. Off! Get them out of your life.

LEAVE. THEM. Make new friends. Start a new group. That is the only mentally and behaviorally healthy option here. Everything else you say is excuses and justifications for remaining in a bad situation....THAT makes you "not in your right mind."

Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result...that is one definition/a type of insanity. SO what happens next? You apologize to them? They apologize to you [that you think the correct way to handle that is demanding from the girlfriend?!] And then how many more months until the next insane blow up/aggressive confrontation? Then you'll write another thread/post...You will be told the same things by different people...and you will make excuse after excuse of how/why you can't/shouldn't/don't want to. Rinse. Repeat.

Sometimes it takes an outside perspective to show us what we can not see (for being too close) ourselves.

Move. On...then write us happy posts about how awesome your new group & games are! How you didn't know that playing with people that share your vision and expectations of the game is like floating on clouds! How it was never like this before/you had no idea how good the game could be without emotional baggage and adolescent (made and perpetuated) drama! We'd love to see that!


*SD's universal post disclaimer: In case it's not obvious and/or for the thick of skull or thin of skin, as with all posts on the interwebs, all of the above should be read/taken as "IMNSHO" and is not intended as insult or attack to anyone involved with this thread.

 

[Nellisir]

There are tactics for speaking without arguing. For one, it seems like there were a lot of statements flying back and forth. Try asking questions, and restate what he said to make sure you understand it correctly. Also, maybe you should get up from the table and leave once in a while before things explode. Take a breather, or change the venue. There are arguments you just can't have sitting outside on the grass. Here on EN World you respond at length; it's not hard for me to imagine you as a person that has trouble disengaging from a heated conversation (although I don't know you, so maybe not).

I make a really big point of referring to characters by their name, or by "your character", not "you" (unless it's in character and dice are rolling). The distinction between character and person is important to me, even when people are playing themselves. Every character I play is a facet of my personality, but they're not me. Amedi Vak is, deep down, a person driven by tragedy looking to die (similar to Maximus in Gladiator). Toad doesn't want to die, but has zero compunctions about sacrificing himself to save someone else (The Doctor - no one dies today!). Azae, my tiefling beguiler is trying desperately to be good, but doesn't fully understand it and tends to fall back on the old ways of wrath and ruin when truly angered (pretty much any movie that has someone beginning a systematic campaign of total destruction against the Forces of Evil.)

They're all part of me, but they're not me. Amedi would go into Mulmaster to destroy the current evil lord - and the next one, if necessary. Toad would go in to save as many people as possible. Azae would go in to sow chaos and because it seems like a Heroic Action, and she desperately wants to be a Hero...but somewhere along the line, someone would make it personal, and then she'd level the place if necessary for revenge.

Part of a player's responsibility is to not needlessly derail the plot, and that means finding justification for doing things that aren't obviously reasonable.

 

[MG.0]

@Majoru Oakheart

I think you need to take a long look in the mirror and think about what you really want.

You started off by calling this guy stupid. Perhaps he is, but that is not his fault. Not everyone can be brilliant and creative but that doesn't mean he doesn't enjoy playing D&D. You revealed your feellings to everyone including this girl who is now dating him, so you can bet he knows exactly what you think of him. Do you think that might be a source of friction? Perhaps he has a light trigger around you because he knows you think he's an idiot.

It seems he enjoys playing even if he doesn't contribute much characterization and makes horrible plans. Why does the party follow his plans if they are so bad? Nevermind, it isn't important. It may look like he's being a jerk by walking out, but I know some people with emotional issues prone to outbursts like that and believe me walking away is much better than staying and escalating things. He may be handling it the best way he knows how. Some poeple with Asperger's have meltdowns like that, and rational discussion is impossible in that moment. After they cool down, it's like a lightswitch is flipped and everything is fine, sometimes to the point of almost forgetting the event even happened. Bringing the event up again can be a sure fire way to re-trigger the meltdown.

If you are serious about finding a solution and not just looking for online reinforcement of your opinions about this guy you will do one of two things:

1) Walk away. Stay away.

2) Sit down with him alone and tell him what you want to happen. It may involve an apology from him regarding his outbursts. It should definitely include an apology from you regarding his intelligence.

Honestly number one is probably better as I'm not sure it'd be easy for either of you to get past the fact you think he's stupid.

 

[aramis erak]

Stop it.
Stop picking at this scab.
All you are doing is making an ugly scar.
You know, chocolate is lovely. Turkey is also lovely. But chocolate-covered turkey...not so much.

Turkey Mole is rocking good stuff. (mole sauce is unsweetened or semi-sweet chocolate and hot peppers)

In other words, you guys just don't go together well. The fact they always make non-good aligned characters and you seem to do the opposite speaks volumes about your different expectations for a game.

Yup.

 

[Fildrigar]

I think you are misreading some of the intentions and interpretations of the responses here, [MENTION=5143]Majoru Oakheart[/MENTION] . People do not think you're insane "for not wanting to lose your friends." That is admirable. Relationships take work and all of that.

People think you are insane that after everything we've read here (and other threads, if I'm not mistaken), you would consider these people (at least this particular person and I, personally, would throw in his girlfriend) as "friends" at all.

That is the crazy and, to some of us, incredibly immature part. They are bad for you. You apparently are bad for/with them (I, again personally, think there are severe behavioral issues here that you are not going to "fix" or somehow navigate peacefully).

The ONLY solution here (which as others have pointed out, you well know) is to STOP PLAYING WITH THEM! Do not have them in YOUR groups. Do not play in THEIR groups. At public play, simply do not sit at the same table. Cut off communications. Do not look for apologies. Do not MAKE apologies. Do not think or seek or accept to maintain a non-gaming "friendship" of chatting on the phone or getting coffee. Cut. Them. Off! Get them out of your life.

LEAVE. THEM. Make new friends. Start a new group. That is the only mentally and behaviorally healthy option here. Everything else you say is excuses and justifications for remaining in a bad situation....THAT makes you "not in your right mind."

Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result...that is one definition/a type of insanity. SO what happens next? You apologize to them? They apologize to you [that you think the correct way to handle that is demanding from the girlfriend?!] And then how many more months until the next insane blow up/aggressive confrontation? Then you'll write another thread/post...You will be told the same things by different people...and you will make excuse after excuse of how/why you can't/shouldn't/don't want to. Rinse. Repeat.

Sometimes it takes an outside perspective to show us what we can not see (for being too close) ourselves.

Move. On...then write us happy posts about how awesome your new group & games are! How you didn't know that playing with people that share your vision and expectations of the game is like floating on clouds! How it was never like this before/you had no idea how good the game could be without emotional baggage and adolescent (made and perpetuated) drama! We'd love to see that!


*SD's universal post disclaimer: In case it's not obvious and/or for the thick of skull or thin of skin, as with all posts on the interwebs, all of the above should be read/taken as "IMNSHO" and is not intended as insult or attack to anyone involved with this thread.

Bbbbbut... That would mean he wouldn't have ANYONE to go to Gen Con with! These are the ONLY friends of his who even said maybe.