Death in the party

[Umbran]

No, I am not talking about character death. I'm talking about player death.

One of my players has brain cancer, and he's going to die. Not tomorrow, not next week, but soon enough, he's going to pass. I went to pay him a visit yesterday, and he was talking about making sure we understood who to talk to to find out about memorials when he's gone.

He's been away from the table for a while now, as chemotherapy isn't conducive to half-hour long drives to play, and he just didn't have the energy. The nature of his illness makes it so he suffers from aphasia (sometimes, the words he wants just don't come to mind). He's lucid, he can clearly understand what's going on around him, and enjoys when we tell him about things. But he has a hard time holding up his end of a conversation. This of a man who earned his Laurel in the SCA for telling stories, for those who now what that means.

So, for the collected folks - how have you dealt with the loss of a player in this final sense?

Even though he's been away from the table for a long time now, I am starting to wonder if I'm going to want to retire the campaign when he passes.

 

[Bedrockgames]

Sorry to hear about your friend. That sounds terrible.

Thankfully I haven't had this sort of loss in any of my groups over the years. I certainly think that retiring the campaign would be appropriate if that is what you wish to do.

 

[Morrus]

We lost a friend - and player - to suicide. We didn't retire the campaign; we felt that he was so much more than part of a campaign that that would feel an odd thing to do. When it comes to this sort of thing, a D&D game is so inconsequential. It would feel like reducing his identity. But everyone feels differently, and you have to do what feels right.

 

[Ketherian]

The game I was in fell apart before our friend passed away from stomach cancer.
Afterwards, he didn't have the energy to join the next game (and his very long trips to get chemo didn't help). In the end a mutual friend held a wake for him. Those who knew the deceased best said he'd have wanted us to continue to game - to keep playing for so long as we had the enjoyment and the interest.

If your friend is willing, I'd talk to him about it. How would he like you to continue after he passes. Never an easy topic; but it might give him comfort knowing his wishes have an impact on your future.

 

[Janx]

man that's really tough news. Granted, this be something you been seeing coming for a while.

I don't think there's a right or wrong way here. Like Morrus said.

if it don't hurt, keep the campaign going because that campaign is a memorial to your friend. His contribution is embedded in it. To drop it, ain't quite like dropping him, but it's a shame to not reinforce a shared memory among his friends.

I think the important thing is to do what you and your friends need to do to say good bye, and mourn a loss that's gonna take awhile to finish.

My condolences for all of you.

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

I've never been in this situation, though I came close: a campaign never started because one of the prospective players- a good friend to several others in the group- committed suicide. Fractured the group.

My advice is 2-fold:

1) ask your group about how they'd like to handle it.

2) if it is too hard for YOU to run the game,you should shut it down.

 

[Holy Bovine]

Like Umbran I too have a friend who will soon pass due to advanced cancer. he's lived with it for 5 years and that was beating the odds - he was originally told he'd be dead within a year of diagnosis. The campaign I'm running is for him - I want to keep in touch with him and he has always loved our D&D sessions. I really don't think I will continue the game after he is gone. Hell it might be quite some time before I even want to run/play a game again to be honest.

 

[ExploderWizard]

Condolences all around. One member of our group died due to heart problems back in 07. Another died suddenly in his sleep at age 38 early the following year. Enjoy every moment with your friends that you can. Great memories last a lifetime but none of us really knows how long that will be.

 

[Umbran]

if it don't hurt, keep the campaign going because that campaign is a memorial to your friend.

That is the basic conflict here. I think for a couple of the players, it would become a rather constant reminder that he wasn't in his chair at the table. If they group were not already pulling close to dealing with the BBEGs, it wouldn't jump readily to mind - but as it is I have the thought that pulling it more quickly to a close might be better than adding more BBEGs for the future. Every good story has a beginning, a middle, and an end, and it may be that we want to end this one, and start a new one.

 

[Bedrockgames]

Condolences all around. One member of our group died due to heart problems back in 07. Another died suddenly in his sleep at age 38 early the following year. Enjoy every moment with your friends that you can. Great memories last a lifetime but none of us really knows how long that will be.

Wow, 38 is pretty young. Sorry to hear about that.

 

[Janx]

That is the basic conflict here. I think for a couple of the players, it would become a rather constant reminder that he wasn't in his chair at the table. If they group were not already pulling close to dealing with the BBEGs, it wouldn't jump readily to mind - but as it is I have the thought that pulling it more quickly to a close might be better than adding more BBEGs for the future. Every good story has a beginning, a middle, and an end, and it may be that we want to end this one, and start a new one.

Well, go with your gut. You don't score points for self flagellation.

If nothing else, maybe put it on hiatus, and come back to it in a year or so you guys can vanquish some evil in your friend's memory.

Talk to you crew. You knew that already. And the good thing about hiatus, is it has no expiry. Maybe y'all will pick it up again, maybe not.

 

[Whirligig]

Our group went through this a few years ago. Our friend, NGRI, passed unexpectedly due to a blood clout from surgery due to a pinched nerve. After a few weeks of hiatus, we sat down as a group, talked about it together and decided to honor his character by creating a proper complete resolution and reason for his character's departure from the team - not dead, but off on other exciting adventures. We continued to play the campaign, not by forgetting him/or his character but by smiling every time his character was mentioned.

Also, every year at Gencon, we raise a glass to him and some of our other gamer friends as a way to continue to celebrate them.


Honestly, talking to the group is probably the best course of action and then doing what you all feel is appropriate.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

 

[UselessTriviaMan]

I also want to express my best wishes to you and your friend.

We unexpectedly lost my brother-in-law in 2000 (%#$&ing diabetes), and he was such an integral part of our gaming group that two members walked away from the hobby altogether and haven't played since.

The campaign ended at that point, but a year or so later I rebooted the campaign world and wrote an ending to their story. A century had passed in-game, and the PCs from the old campaign were now heroes of legend. Tony's character in particular went out in truly heroic fashion, defeating an invading demon lord in an epic one-on-one duel, saving the elven homeland from certain destruction at the demon's hands. It may not seem like much to anyone else, but for my sister (his widow, one of the two who hasn't gamed since) and I it was something to talk about and smile, knowing how much he would have liked it.

 

[Scrivener of Doom]

We had a couple of deaths in a close-knit group of friends in our late teens (suicide, drunk driving) and gaming was ignored for a year or so afterwards. (I'm 45 now.) Reality bites... and suddenly gaming just doesn't have the same hold on you. Sadly, boozing does... which probably explains why I am a teatotaller now.

 

[CSwizzy]

My best friend and original DM passed away 8 years ago at the waaay too young age of 28 from Cancer after serving in the military. Our core group hasn't really been the same since. We still hang out all the time and even try to start up a campaign here and there but they've always fallen apart and no one has ever permanently taken up the DM role. I think this is for a couple of reasons:

1. Family life has gotten in the way
2. I think that my deceased friend was the glue that kept the gaming group focuses and together.
3. I think my deceased friend left incredibly big shoes to fill as a DM because he was amazing at what he did.
4. It just doesn't feel the same without him.

I have finally taken it upon myself to step up to the DM role, which I have never done before. I did a trial campaign last year and I think things went really well but my work schedule got in the way. I fully intend to start up another campaign (now that I have a set schedule) when 5th ed comes out and it should go by even smoother considering I learned a LOT from my trial campaign. The thing I learned is I can't try to do things exactly like how my deceased friend did. I know that he would have loved to see me take up the DM mantle, but he would have wanted me to do things my way. I do get a lot of inspiration from how he ran things, but I definitely put my own spin on things.

But to be completely honest, it still hurts from time to time. Anytime I do anything involving RPGs, I always think of him because he's the one who introduced me to everything. The thing that gets me through it is knowing that he would be happy just to see any of us continuing to play.

If I can't get a campaign going with the old group, I will start with a new group of people. If the absence of my friend has affected things the way I think they have, I will need to move on and game with another group. My deceased friend said before he passed that no matter what game it is or who you're playing with, keep gaming, don't let his death stop that at all.

I just wish it didn't take 8 years for me to finally realize this, but reading this post and seeing someone else go through what I did definitely made me think things out.

So TLDR: It will probably hurt to carry on without your friend but just think about the good times and if need be find another group to get away from it for a while.