Describe your last RPG session in more than 5 words.

[Golden Bee]

The night I died. by Robin D Laws.

“Mr. Black and Mr. Blue are some of the most persuasive men in America,” said Trey.
Lala started sprinting. “You can't persuade when you can’t catch!”

October 30, down in Nawlins. Lala Santinella has an uncommon problem. Her daughter Devi’s orphanage is hemorrhaging money. Despite getting the location for free (it was the former home of self-destructive vigilante The Penitent), the place had ten children and two French chefs. Silver candlesticks, caviar… A bit upscale for a charity.
JP Diamond, hometown detective, was achieving greatness with his girlfriend Captain Ivanova… until he disrupted the afterglow to question her loyalty. And worse, she decided to storm out and crash on his sister-in-law’s couch. So he had two women mad at him.

Elsewhere in town, Thaza O’Rourke decided to steal a pocket watch from a visiting Arabian prince… and as an ex-con, the suspicion fell on the Jade Jaguar, Tácito Uriel Velasco.
Oh, and there was a case! Kent DeWitt, society swell, was worried that his fiancée had gone around the bend. The players visited fiancée Therese, who she said was perfectly fine. Just ask her housekeeper, Mrs. Boutelle. The group was suspicious, but overplayed their hand and we asked to leave.
Thaza, the cat burglar raised by apes, decided to case the place. And soon enough, Therese was sleepwalking through the New Orleans fog. Not the safest move…Luckily, her criminal guardian angel was able to guide her away from some French Quarter muggers! Therese arrived at her destination, still unconscious… the local zoo. The sleepwalking woman had a one-way conversation with an entity she called Queen Nitocris, requesting more time. Thaza watched warily as the walker woke, shadowing her home and preventing further mishaps.

The next day was just as rife with incident. The group investigated a Pickman exhibition at a local gallery. There, they found Therese had been associated with society matron Juanetta Crane. But when they tried to visit Crane, her street was filled with a jazz funeral. And she had given all her money to something called the Anthropos Foundation.
The group needed a way to get Therese alone, so they invited her to a fundraising holiday party at the orphanage. They confronted her, and she shared the horrible truth.

“I’m dead!” cried the woman.
“Not the best feeling in the world,” agreed Diamond.

She had been in a car accident six weeks ago, but her soul was pulled back into her body because of Kent’s love. If the group would break up her engagement, she could pass on to heaven and he could move on. Until then, they were cursed, and would suffer for knowing she malingered between realms.

The group considered this, until the Mexican lawyer made a counterpoint. “It’s not our duty to believe suspects and then secretly do what they want.”

The ZSS foursome decided to visit an open house of the Anthropos Foundation. Of course, they shouldn’t do it as detectives, so it was time for Halloween costumes!

JP, who had patched things up with his girlfriend, decided to go as a parrot and dress his pet parrot up as himself. Tango was mostly OK with this, but kept chewing on her tie.
Tacito, picking up on an Egyptian theme to the case, decided to disguise himself as a mummy. Lala wore a Mina Harker stunt-double costume, and Thaza was the Headless Horseman.
Awkwardly, the Anthropos mixer was not a costume party. Still, the group got the lay of the land: a collection of society folks were here, hoping to have leader Trey Natal solve their spiritual problems. (The most amusing problem was Lorna Geary, who claimed the spirits made her unlucky in love… as she successfully flirted with Tacito and Thaza.) There was a boring speech, and the group learned that the society wasn’t founded on magic… Simply flim-flam, rewriting wills, and hypnotism! But that meant that Therese was…
Sleepwalking into the local zoo! Lala put all her driving skill to use, roaring through the fog like a banshee. The group arrived just in time to stop poor hypnotized Therese from opening the leopard cage!
Thaza freed the local apes, demanding they follow her instructions. Unfortunately, they were very distracted, stopping the cassowaries from clawing them to pieces!
The group confronted the crooked zookeeper who worked for Trey, but quickly realized there was little to be gained by fighting wild animals. instead, they fled to the police, making one of the weirder reports of the night.
After that chaos, Teresa wanted to return home. The gang insisted on protecting her from vengeful criminals, and she was safe in her room… until Mrs. Boutelle gave a command.

“Plummet.”

The brainwashed girl dove for the street, only to be saved by Thaza! The ‘Horseman’ swung on a strand of Halloween lights, saving Therese. Lala tackled the old woman, who was secretly Trey’s mother and a vital part of the conspiracy.
It was solution time. Kent and Therese agreed to be wed immediately, taking their honeymoon “anywhere but New Orleans.” Thaza reluctantly cleared Tacito’s name. Captain Ivanova used Tango the parrot’s ability to repeat speech to guilt her boyfriend. Lala made a sensible fruit-and-oatmeal breakfast for the orphans.

 

[Voadam]

Awkwardly, the Anthropos mixer was not a costume party.

 

[ART!]

The witch is not dead!

 

[Voadam]

Camp begins, parent drama aplenty

My improv group's D&D game first session is now on Youtube.

 

[Golden Bee]

Mayhem at the Manor!
Rafe Lancaster had a new mansion upstate, and there was only a minor problem: a haunting. A minor haunting. Something his mentee and her pals could solve over dinner. Technically after, because chocolate mousse was followed by a séance. One hosted by, and this was a complete coincidence, gorgeous twins that Rafe was flirting with.
The manor’s unholy entity overwhelmed the Fairweather sisters, but Miss Velyapur was able to contain it. The next step was easy, and not based on what would be the most fun: sneaking into the local historical society! It turned out the mansion was previously owned by a piece of trash demonologist. But why ghosts?
Secrets smuggling tunnels were another part of the mystery. The group got the drop on the local gangsters, with Professor Hazoul taking one out with a single well-placed kidney punch. The former goddess of the Red Jasmine Cult helped with two others, including a giant bruiser who look like Rondo Haddon. Unfortunately, their blood activated a sigil, summoning a pit demon! Luckily, the goddess was more than ready for this, and as Mr. Bingen swept up the summoning circle, and sent the creature back to hell.
Questioning the gangsters revealed the plan: Dutch Schultz and his associate had used the previous owner as a mark, and were burying stolen gold on the property. They faked a haunting which turned out to be real. And they would've gotten away with it… Except for the two professors, the butler, and the 13-year-old. Callahan, believing the story, immediately went to the garage to build a metal detector. That's upstate for you.

 

[Golden Bee]

THE DEVIL’S CHALICE by Paul W-W Williams

”It would be easy. We actually have some reels prints in the plane.”
“Please do not attempt film piracy in front of my lawyer.”

Do you ever wonder who poses for the cover of pulp novels? It turns out it's Giovanni Barbosa-Lima, the latest and brawniest adventurer so far!
He was in Boston, meeting with his buddy Giula “Lala” Santinella. They met up with three other stalwarts: lawyer Tácito Uriel Velasco, millionaire industrialist Rafe Lancaster, and sneaky butler Aldous Bingen. It was late October, and a spooky story was dominating the headlines: an abandoned ship crashed into Boston Harbor, with the captain dead and lashed to the wheel!
The players bartered with a hobo for information, with Rafe breaking a five in front of the man before paying him off. Apparently a hairy man and a giant were-bat had fled the vehicle right before it crashed.
As they were headed back to the hotel, they saw a nebbish professor being dragged into a convertible by thugs. And instead of giving chase. the butler and the millionaire had a "no you" for who was going to drive Rafe’s expensive sports car.
Luckily, the lawyer had a roadmap, and was able to guide the group to cut off the kidnappers. Rafe pulled up alongside the other car…at which point Giovanni, man of muscle, grabbed the other car and held it in place while Bingen encouraged the man to jump over! The professor did, just in time for the industrialist to swerve and send the ne'er-do-wells into an apple cart.
The professor was named Tomic Iordanescu and he was a specialist in Eastern European folklore. He had been waiting for a package from the crashed ship, and his capture couldn't be a coincidence. Without any other clues, the players rowed out to the stranded vessel, eager to get its clues before the villains could.
The steamer was already listing when the five arrived, and while they found some evidence (like the fact all five crew members had been drained of blood and had puncture wounds on their necks), the shoddily repaired vessel began to capsize!

Rafe used his knowledge of engineering to create a mental map of the boat and relied on Giovanni's sharp senses to navigate him through the darkness. Above deck, Tácito slipped and barely grasped onto the railing, forcing the smaller Bingen to try and pull him up. He did… then lost balance himself, falling to a lower deck and barely clinging on. As an extremely prudent person, he couldn't muster the audacity to yell and alert others to his position. Jade Jaguar Tácito had to scramble down himself. The two were about to fall into the icy harbor when La La appeared beneath them, rowing hard in the rescue boat! The group watched in horror as the SS Dimitri sank beneath the waves.
There was other madness in Boston. The sole survivor of the ship had gone mad, and was biting people, convinced he was a vampire. The group beat him up and wrestled him to the ground… And when he promised to behave, Rafe antagonized the man so hard that the "vamp" bit his neck! Not deadly, but certainly painful.
After putting the clues together, the players were off to the home of the undead… Romania!
Their research led them to a monastery north of Bucharest, but first, Lala decided to stop by a public library… and accidentally but quite stubbornly, tried to start a sideline in international motion picture distribution. It turns out selling films was still hard…even if you have a library card.

The players weren't welcomed at the monastery, until the monks got a load of Giovanni. As ascetics, they had never seen someone with muscles upon muscles. They were happy to help as long as they could draw him.
Under the "grave" of Vlad Tepes III was a scroll that led to a golden-handled sword which was found in a foggy graveyard*. Tired of painful horse-and-buggy rides through the countryside, the players elected to land their DC-3 as close as possible to Dracula’s castle, forming a runway out of damp mud and determination. Devika, owner of the jet, did not want to go and traipse around in the muck to get bitten by a “tuxedo-wearing freak”, and elected to stay with the vehicle.
It turns out the monster the group was after was Colonel Drakkenheim of Stuttgart. Thanks to the himbo Barbosa, the group was discovered and placed into a death trap. The horrifying machine was designed to suck their blood dry and concentrate their suffering. The Nazi commander would go to Dracula’s throne room and drink the blood out of the devil’s chalice, giving himself immortality!
But he hadn’t counted on a male model. Giovanni had muscles in places most people didn't have places and he was able to pop the medical restraints with powerful flexing! The group freed each other with utmost alacrity. As a trade-off, however, all of them got their own blood sprayed on their clothing.
The guards were dispatched, and Rafe Lancaster had a few moments to examine the machine. Drakkenheim was going to drink the mixture… But that meant anything that went through the tube would end up in the final mix. The group took a few extra minutes to despoil the tincture.
Above, the colonel gloated and gloated about his plan. How he had used a special needle glove to siphon the blood of the sailors, making the ship crash evoke Bram Stoker. The players arrived, and still he monologued, how he had…

“Just drink the thing already!” yelled Rafe.

The villain did… But instead of a glorious vampyr, he was turned into a pulsing blood beast! He screamed in semi-solid fury vowing revenge on everyone around him!
This was just what the Jade Jaguar was waiting for. The cursed goblet had turned the Nazi into a supernatural being, the kind especially susceptible to Brujo boxing. Giovanni proved himself a great addition to the group, when he took Dracula’s throne and threw it through the oozing monster!

The creature was a furious, lamprey-mouthed beast. It took every ounce of luck the players had to survive until Giovanni came up with a simple solution.

“What if I hit him in the face with this medical tray? Really, really hard over and over?”

The throne room, once a symbol of medieval elegance, looked like the inside of a strawberry milkshake. Our heroes didn't have much time to gloat themselves, as Nazi reinforcements were swarming the castle. Lala shot out the stained glass window, leading a group rappel down the castle walls. After that, they still had a mile’s hike through the Romanian wilderness, when they ran into the last obstacle.

“You are not getting on my plane covered in blood!”

[As a Paul W-W Wade adventure there were way too many dungeons and fights, so this part got truncated. To run roughly 4 hours in a fast system, I cut a street fight, a lake fight, a graveyard battle, a battle against skeletons, an automotive gunfight, and two mini dungeons.]

The Beast:

 

[Voadam]

Golden Bee these are great and sound like a lot of fun to play through.

 

[Golden Bee]

Golden Bee these are great and sound like a lot of fun to play through.

Glad you like'em. Any favorite characters?
I start from the beginning here.

 

[Golden Bee]

Angola Momentum!
“If it’s not the bugs, it’s the feckin’ leopards,” complained the Scot.
Her Soviet companion laughed.
“This coming from a woman so pale she should put on moonblock.”

Diamang is one of Portugal's great diamond companies, and their office in Angola is a shining star. So when they invited members of the Ziegler Security Service, they splurged: a limousine at the airport, with a literal red carpet to lead them to the boardroom.
They were not expecting Marilyn Moriarti, an angry Scottish veteran spy. They might've been pleased by the presence of Aldous Bingen, diplomatic and charming butler. And they were downright pissed to see the third member: Captain Semya Ivanova. Still, the board worked their charms, convincing the trio that this was a labor dispute with mystical misunderstandings, and not an effort to get more work from their slave laborers.

The mission started relatively well. The commie Captain led the group through a few days of jungle exploration, with only one attempted (and failed) mauling-by-panther. Unfortunately for Diamang, the jig was up when the group discovered that the laborers were uncompensated and the head overseer, Eugenio, bragged about the blood on his whip. Marilyn gave him a stiff jab to the kisser. She wasn’t a fan of bullies.

The natives were led by a shaman, but our heroes won her over. That night, she brought them deep into the mine, where with the help of some dynamite, they discovered a passage to a hidden shrine. Ivanova, tremendously gifted in languages, saw an incantation that would summon a spirit to slay all the non-native pilferers of the country’s wealth. (Mr. Bingen asked if that would include them, because they were paid in escrow by the Portuguese.)

The Captain wouldn’t raise a finger to save imperialist swine, but the other two persuaded the shaman the spell was a bad idea. The Angolan stormed out of the tunnel …and was shot in the head.
It turned out Eugenio wanted revenge! But in a moment of brilliance, Marilyn convinced the overseers that the group had infiltrated the workers as part of a scheme. And now that the shaman was dead, the workers were going to revolt, so all the colonizers should leave the camp ASAP. They did!

With no countervailing social forces, the Captain organized the mine into a Communist cooperative. They had the product; the company would have to meet their terms.
The following negotiations were intense. The group used everything, including the death of the shaman, to chisel the corp. It was tough… But a deal was hammered out. And the pièce de résistance was yet to come.

The Scottish woman smirked. “Now that you've signed here, we have fulfilled the contract and restored service to the mine. We are excited to receive payment for fulfilling our original obligation.”

The players were ready to leave when they had a thought. Who were the diamonds for?
They uncovered duplicity, and trade with Fascist Spain. Diamang was dealing with Francisco Franco^!

“The Fascists want to use the diamonds for a giant laser? That laser would be better used for the peoples’ liberation!”

Because what greater trade partner for a Communist diamond mine than the Soviet Union? There was a lot of kerfuffle, duplicity, disguises, altered manifests, and dock surveillance regarding the diamond shipment, creating a stalemate… until Aldous, in the dead of night, took the shipment and snuck it onto the ZSS plane. Mission complete.
Captain Ivanova has another win, keeping the security company, the people, and her Soviet overseers satisfied. Aldous put down more coasters.

^Franco hasn't been more than alluded to in several years playing time. He chased the players when they were in Tenerife, also in Africa.

Captain S:

 

[Golden Bee]

Stretch and pan!
I’m not bad...

Another week, another great guest star. The group (Devika, Lala, and Rafe Lancaster) were dining at the Brown Derby with a man who felt the need to introduce himself to the waiter.

"Who am I? Teoslav Malgorzo, Europe's Greatest Painter!"

Sadly, the Brown Derby didn't have adequate security. The four diners were interrupted by someone who claimed to be an old show business friend of Lala’s, the truly insufferable Ernie Cohen. His cousin, former animation kingpin George W Cohen, went missing. In Atlantic City. Months ago. And he wanted to hire the detective agency, not that he had a lot of money, or any money at all, and he didn’t have a picture, just George’s self-portrait. But family was important.

“Not important enough to hire detectives back when you had money,” said Devi, trying to signal for the doorman.

The quartet finally agreed to take the case, if only to shut Ernie up. Rafe and Lala were squabbling over dessert, so nobody made an effort to stop the bouncer from bouncing the still-talking balaganer client off of Wilshire Boulevard. (Our beloved heroes were smart enough to get the address of the studio and Ernie's contact information before having him ejected. but it's reiterating how annoying this guy was.)

Over in Atlantic City, the studio was… disgusting. Food was rotting in plain sight, dust and grime covered everything. Devi and the mother-she-adopted searched filing cabinets for clues. There were a few leads about financial information, ones that would be difficult to follow up with considering how long ago the company had gone bankrupt.

Of course, when you are millionaire industrialist Rafe Lancaster, rules are really more of a starting point. He suggested that they go to the bank, talk investments with the manager, and mention casually that they wanted to follow up on an old friend.
This plan went swimmingly, with Devi acting as the super-eager mentee, while Mr. Lancaster leaned back and glowered wealthily.It turned out George was part owner of a road house 20 miles south of the city. The gang called Ernie (whose mother picked up the phone), filled him in on the details, and got some background … And enough confidence to drive to the middle of nowhere, New Jersey.

The roadhouse was nearly empty and freezing. The bartender, the only person around, earned the gang’s suspicions. Apparently he had thin noodle arms underneath his coat… And when Lancaster offered thousands of dollars to buy it, the man fled into the back room and punched the pursuing Teoslav in the face with a ten foot long arm!

The creature seemed to have animated hands, but the fearsome foursome responded with mental pressure. Lala used some harsh words in a Betty Boop voice, Devi filtered her mystic gaze through some dirty shot glasses, and Rafe used his specialty: money.

“You only have five dollars in the register. I know you will bend and stoop to get even one of my platinum cufflinks. Stop fighting, and get paid.”

The barkeep broke under the pressure, throwing off his coat and revealing that he had eight spidery limbs. Before the crew could investigate further, he tossed down a black circle and dove through!
Lala tried to go through after him, but it was just a stain on the floor. A search of the roadhouse led the gang toward a nearby hobo camp. But instead of a typical man camp, the woods contained an idyllic clearing! The place was gorgeous and animated. Wait a minute, animated? Yep, there was an entire technicolor town with rubber-hose buildings that bounced to the beat! And at the center of the town was the Pen ‘n Ink Club!

The only entrance was a big steel door, and while the gang had some clever ideas ( like editing the marquee so their names were on it), the only technique that worked was name-dropping.

"Don't know who I am? I am Teoslav Malgorzo, Poland’s defender of the Avante Garde!”

The heavy steel door opened.

Now, Teo was an accomplished satirist. To distract the doorman, who was in this case an 8 foot tall gorilla, he snuck to the nosebleed section of the Club and drew a very rude picture. Then, the Polish Painter returned to the front and demanded a refund for being put in the "vulgar gorilla doodle" section, distracting the ape long enough to let the other three in.

The club had a great show, with magic and dancers, but the finale was something else. The star was a spitting image of the guy the heroes were here to rescue … Except with red skin and devil horns!

Old Scratch ended the show and came over to the table, but refused to identify as the person in George’s self-portrait. Teo pounced.

“That's good, because whoever drew this was an ignoramus with no idea of line, weight, structure, an imbecile unworthy to hold a pencil.”

Somehow, the demon turned even redder. He was about to call on furious hellfire… When Lala asked him to dance. The lonely host agreed! (When battling cartoons, use cartoon logic.)
Rafe and Teo used the opportunity to destroy a suspicious backstage device, ending animation’s domination and returning the clearing to a sad hobo camp in New Jersey.
The illustrator, despondent, looked up at the Pole. “You ruined everything! Who are you?”

"My name is Teoslav Malgorzo, Europe's Greatest Painter!"