Dr. Seuss Competition - WINNERS ANNOUNCED!

[Wolfspider]

That Sauron-with-pokey-helm!
That Sauron-with-pokey-helm!
I do not like
That Sauron-with-pokey-helm!

Do you like
The LotR films?

I do not like them,
Sauron-with-pokey-helm I am!
I do not like
The LotR films.

Would you like them
Here or there?

I would not like them
Here or there.
I would not like them
Anywhere.
I do not like
The LotR films.
I do not like them,
Sauron-with-pokey-helm I am.

Would you like them
In your house?
Would you like them
And not grouse?

I do not like them
In my house.
I would not like them
And not grouse.

Would you buy them
In a box?
Would you watch them
All on Fox?

Not in a box.
Not all on Fox.
Not in my house.
I will still grouse.
I would not watch them here or there.
I would not watch them anywhere.
I would not watch the LotR films.
I do not like them, Sauron-with-pokey-helm I am.

 

[Scupper]

No One Enjoys the D&D Film, as a Rule

No One Enjoys the D&D Film (as a Rule)

"Young man," said the clerk, "you're sort of a fool.
No one enjoys the D&D film, as a rule.
The film is quite poor, and you might as well know it,
Where people keep trash is the place that they throw it."

"You could rent other bad films (like Beastmaster or Krull)
But you'd be hard-pressed to find one as stupid and dull!
So trust an employee of the month at this store:
You’ll find that this film is much worse than a bore."

Then Marco the gamer said, "It may be you’re right.
A good review of this film is nowhere in sight.
It might be no good, but then again, well, it MIGHT.
'Cause you never can tell just by what people say.
This could be a rental that will brighten my day!"

"Perhaps, despite warnings from countless ENWorlders,
The film isn’t as bad as being devoured by Beholders.
Or less pleasant, in fact, than a bout of ebola,
Or a Rust Monster munching your Toyota Corolla."

"Lamer than a player who always runs late?
Worse than a Night Hag on a blind date?
Or Thanksgiving dinner with Ankheg on your plate?
Surely the film can’t that badly rate!"

"Worse than skinny dipping in Sahaugin-filled water?
Or having a Kobold engaged to your daughter?
More unpleasant, by far, than Troll armpit stink?
(Such comments, I’ll admit, do make me think.)"

"Harder to watch than a basilisk’s gaze?
Worse for your health than a beholder’s rays?
And it can’t be as bad as green slime in your shorts.
(As Morrus and company often reports.)"

"Why, it could contain monsters that I've only seen
In the Monster Manual’s pages or Dragon Magazine!
Foul monsters of temper both vile and unpleasant,
Who, if not stopped by PCs, would devour every peasant!"

"A great big giant, whether fire, hill, or stone!
Why, it’d be worth a rental on that basis alone!
Or an evil Mind Flayer, with tentacles a-plenty,
Might slaughter a fighter (or perhaps even twenty)!"

"A Displacer Beast might make an appearance,
Foiling the heroes by illusory not-here-ence!
A Slaad or two, either red, green, or black!
Or perhaps an undead legion will attack!”

"Gray Ooze, Black Pudding, Or perhaps Ochre Jelly,
An Otyugh (not at all nice, and quite smelly),
Or perhaps an army of Dark Elf assassins!
Or Quasits and Demons of all types and fashions!”

"Hydras and Hobgoblins! Harpies and Howlers!
Nixies and Nagas! Nightmares, Nightcrawlers!
Duergars, Driders, and various Devils,
Dungeon encounters of challenging levels!"

"So I think I will rent it. Yes, that’s what I’ll do.
And watch it myself, if it’s alright with you.
Because you can't always trust other people’s opinion,"
Said Marco the gamer to the Blockbuster minion.

"That might be true," said the minion, "If such things were inside it.
But you’ll find that this film didn’t use D&D to guide it.
So I’ll take your four-fifty, but you’re sort of a fool.
No one enjoys the D&D film (as a rule)."

 

[mtbdm]

the new 3E

the New 3E:

I'm DM
Do you like the new 3E?

I do not like it,
2E's for me.
I do not like the new 3E.

I would not play at "Epic Level".
I do not like demons and devils.
(I prefer Baatezu,
And Tanarri, I like them too!)

I do not like the new 3E!
I do not like it.
2E's for me!

Do you like the optional rules ?
Do you like the "Master Tools"?

I do not like the optional rules.
I do not like the "Master Tools."

Do you like the character sheets?
Do you like the rules for feats?

Nix on the sheets.
Nix on the feats.
No optional rules!
I hate "Master Tools".

I would not play at "Epic Level".
I do not like demons and devils.

Would you?
Could you?
at a con?

Play it!
Play it!
It is fun!

I would not,
could not,
at a con.

You may like it.
You will see.
You may just like
The new 3E!

I would not,
could not play 3E!
Not at a con.
You let me be!

I do not like the new 3E.
I do not like it! 2E's for me!

At home! At home!
At home! At home!

Could you, would you,
play at home?
Not at home, not in Rome!
I do not like the new 3E! DM please just let me be!

I do not like the new 3E.
I don't like it! 2E's for me!

Say!
In the basement?
Here in the basement!
Would you,
could you,
in the basement?

I would not,
could not,
in the basement.

Would you,
could you,
in the kitchen?

I would not, could not,
in the in the kitchen.
Not in the basement.
Now quit yer bitchin'!

I will not play it here or there.
I will not play it anywhere!

Could you, would you,
with prestige classes?

I would not,
could not,
with prestige classes!

You do not like it.
So you say.
Try it! Try it!
And you may.

Try it and
you may,
I say.

DM,
If you will let me be,
I will try it.
You will see.

Say!
I like the new 3E!
I do! I like it! Gracious me!

And I would play it in the kitchen.
And you will not hear me bitchin'.

And I will play it in my home.
I'd rather play than go to Rome!

And I will play with prestige classes,
And whoop all your munchkin asses!

I love these spiffy character sheets!
And how could I have not liked feats?!

I really love the new 3E!
The rules are so balanced, you see!

And I will play to Epic Levels.
And I will fight demons and devils!

And I will pirate Master Tools,
Cause those who pay for it are fools!

And I'll playe 3E here and there.
Hell, I'll play 3E anywhere!

I do so like the new 3E!
Thank you, DM,
for teaching me!

 

[Snifferdoo]

The Toede who "borrowed" Yuletide

The Toede who "borrowed" Yuletide
By Sean Macdonald
original concept Dr. Suess


The Kender of Treeville liked Yuletide alot,
but Lord Toede, who lived just north of Treeville, Did Not!

Looking down from his cave with a hobgoblin frown,
Lord Toede hated kender who lived in that town.
"Look down there" he said to his faithful toad Max.
"All those kender are playing and stiring up tracks
in the snow 'round thier houses, and all of them grinning,
They're smiling, and laughing, and dancing, and singing!"

"Damn you all!" yelled Lord Toede. Then he said with a sneer,
"This is all because Yuletide is practically here!"
"What can I do?" asked the Toede to his toad,
and he thought to himself as looked at the road.
With a snap of his meaty fat fingers it came.
He would "borrow" their Yuletide, and they'd feel lame!

"I know just what to do!" Lord Toede said with a laugh,
and he entered his cave and he took a rare bath,
and Then with a look through an old pile of clothes
the hobgoblin took out the brightest of robes.
With a snip and a sew the hobgoblin mender
put on his new rags to look just like a kender.

From the top of his head to the souls of his feet
Lord Toede was dressed up as bright as a beet.
"Now I look like one of those pathetic fools,
I'll enter there town and I'll play by their rules.
I'll take all I can when no one is looking.
I'll wait till they sleep and then I'll start cooking.

So, Lord Toede started down the hill from his home
and he brought with him one magic bag and a comb.
He put on a wig that he tied in a knot,
then he fixed up the wig and he found a good spot.
Then the "kender" walked into town with a grin
as he thought about all of the things "found" within.

He approached the first house, and he leaned in the door
not a sound could be heard as he cross the clean floor.
"This is stop number one," whispered Toede with a grin
Then he grabbed the first object he found in a bin.
He cleaned out the cabinets, he cleaned off the shelves,
He took all the pictures and the wreaths and the bells.

Each item was placed in the magic bag quick.
As he rushed 'round the house it was making him sick.
"Look at this, look at that" he muttered so dark,
"Everything's merry and bright. What a lark!"
Then he heard something. His heart lept above,
A small cooing sound like the sound of a dove.

Lord Teode turned around and looked down on a face.
A small friendly face that lit up the whole place.
"What are you doing?" The friendly girl asked.
"Why are you taking all of our things so fast?
My hoopak is gone and my new toy sling
You even took grandma's new hearing aid thing."

But, you know that Lord Toede was so fast and so slick,
that he thought up a lie and he thought it up quick.
"Well you see now, my dear little kenderkin girl
I am a friend of your old "Uncle Tenfingers Curl".
This is just a small joke that we all like to play
we sneak in a house and we take things away."

The little one smiled as she thought of the fun
and she ask if he needed some help getting done.
"Well why not," said Lord Toede with an old evil smirk,
and he set the poor child straight off to work.
In no time at all the house was soon bare
and the girl went to bed with a pat on her hair.

Then the old Toede he went to each kender home
and he took any object not made by a gnome.
He tied off the bag to start back to his cave
and was thinking of making a kender his slave,
when a noise came to him and his ears started ringing.
He decided the nosie could only be singing.

He looked up above to his home on the hill
and he saw a queer sight that made him stand still.
"It can't be!" he exclaimed as the dawns early light
showed him an unbelieveble sight.
A kender parade on the snow like a wave
was travelling down the hill from HIS cave!

Lord Toede lost his breath and was feeling quite dizzy
as the first kender reached him all up in a tizzy.
"You should have seen it! You should have been there!
We took everthing! We left nothing to spare!"
All the kender were yelling and having some fun.
They all swarmed to tell him what had been done.

"Do you know that old Toede on the hill over here?
Well, we played a good trick on him this Yultide year!
We went to his home with a goatsucker bird.
It was roasted and dipped in a sweet three cheese curd.
But, the old Toede was out when we came a callin',
so we entered his cave in case he had ..uhhhh..fallen!"

Lord Toede new the rest, the idea was grand
they had entered his cave and had left it quite bland.
All of his lovely possesions were gone
all from the pointy eared, topknoted spawn!
He took a deep breath and put on a fake grin
safe in the knowledge that he would still win.

So the kender parade went on back into town
and Lord Toede, went on home to have one look around.
He sat down on a rock and he started to giggle.
The hobgoblin took out his bag with a wiggle.
A look in the bag and his good mood was fleeting,
The Kender Parade had switched bags in thier meeting.

The End
Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday's Everyone!

 

[Olgar Shiverstone]

The Orc & Pie

So there I was, diehard MERP player, hanging out on the EN Boards, when who should PM me but Morrus, the EN-World guy. He had this new adventure, D&D of all things, that he insisted I try:

The Orc and Pie


I am Morrus
I am Morrus
EN-World Guy.

That EN-World guy!
That EN-World guy!
I do not like
that EN-World guy!

Have you played
“The Orc and Pie”?

I do not like it,
EN-World guy.
I will not play “Orc and Pie”.

Would you play it
here or there?

I would not play it
here or there.
I would not play it
anywhere.
I will not play
Orc and Pie.
I do not like it,
EN-World guy.

Would you play it
At Piratecat’s house?
Would you play it
with Piratecat’s spouse?

I will not play it
At Piratecat’s house.
I will not play it
with Piratecat’s spouse.
I will not play it
here or there.
I will not play it
anywhere.
I do not like Orc and Pie.
I do not like it, EN-World Guy!

Would you play it
As a gnome?
Would you play it
As a rogue?

Not as a gnome.
Not as a rogue.
Not at Piratecat’s house.
Not with his spouse.
I would not play it here or there.
I would not play it anywhere.
I would not play Orc and Pie.
I do not like it, EN-World Guy.

Would you? Could you?
In D&D?
Play it! Play it!
The module’s free!

I would not,
could not,
in D&D.

You may like it.
You will see.
You may like it
in 3E!

I would not, could not in 3E.
Not in D&D! You let me be!

I will not play it as a gnome.
I will not play it as a rogue.
I will not play it at Piratecat’s house.
I will not play with PC’s spouse.
I will not play it here or there.
I will not play it anywhere.
I will not play Orc and Pie.
I will not play it, EN-World Guy!

A train! A train!
A train! A train!
Could you, would you,
on a train?

Not on a train! Not in 3E!
Not in D&D! Morrus! Let me be!

I would not, could not, as a gnome.
I could not, would not, as a rogue.
I will not play it with a mouse.
I will not play it at Piratecat’s house.
I will not play it here or there.
I will not play it anywhere.
I will not play Orc and Pie.
I do not like it, EN World Guy!

Say!
On the boards?
Here on the boards!
Would you, could you, on the boards?

I would not, could not,
On the boards.

Would you, could you,
When it rains?

I would not, could not, when it rains.
Not on the boards. Not on a train.
Not in D&D. Not with 3E.
I will not play it, Morrus, you see.
Not at PC’s house. Not as a gnome.
Not with PC’s spouse. Not as a rogue.
I will not play it here or there.
I do not play it anywhere!

You do not like
Orc and Pie?

I do not
like it,
EN-World Guy!

Could you, would you
Please DM?

I would not,
could not,
be DM!

Would you, could you,
With your friends?

I could not, would not, with my friends.
I will not, will not, be DM.
I will not play it when it rains.
I will not play it on a train.
Not on the boards! Not in 3E!
Not D&D! You let me be!
I will not play it as a gnome.
I will not play it as a rogue.
I will not play it at PC’s house.
I will not play it with PC’s spouse.
I will not play it here or there.
I will not play it ANYWHERE!

I do not like
Orc and Pie!

I do not like it,
EN-World guy!

You do not like it.
So you say.
Try it! Try it!
And you may.
Try it and you may, I say.

Morrus!
If you will let me be,
I will try it.
You will see.

Say!
I like Orc and Pie!
I do! I like it, EN-World guy!
And I would play it as DM.
And I would play it with my friends...

And I will play it when it rains.
And on the boards. And on a train.
As D&D. And in 3E.
It is so good, so good, you see!

So I will play it as a gnome.
And I will play it as a rogue.
And I will play at Piratecat’s house.
And I will play with Piratecat’s spouse.
And I will play it here and there.
Say! I will play it ANYWHERE!

I do so like
Orc and Pie!
Thank you!
Thank you,
EN-World Guy!



Note: Morrus was not harmed in the making of this rhyme.

 

[Hob Marshmallowfoot]

Ahh the convention

As I step into the lobby and take it all in
I can’t seem to suppress my growing grin
I thought about forgetting the convention this year
But looking around I know now why I’m here.

Surveying the crowd it’s easy to tell
Why the hotel staff thinks this is hell

A larper with a balloon hat first catches my eye
As a pack of c-c-g players walks by, wondering why…
Of course the wargamers are around here somewhere,
Sixteen bags for the bell-hop, they don’t seem to care.
Those guys in the armor are near, with their spears,
Didn’t I see that dude at the ren-fair last year?
In the crowd Vampire players are easy to spot
Whether it’s a game to them, I’m afraid I no not.
To the left starwars fans duke it out with light-sabers.
As hotel security reaches for their tazers…
Ahh the convention,
I hope it goes well
Say, what exactly do you think,
Is that unusual smell?

Now to check-in
Hey the clerk’s kinda cute
“Gamer?” she asks
“Business Trip… It’s the truth!”

Now I’m checked into the room
Time to go test my luck
As I try for a game
That actually does not suck.

Three hours pass and I’m greeted with spite
As I crowd around trying to get a sight
Of the game that I’m in, now let me see
Choice one, guess not, neither choice two nor three
Looks like I got into a game, oh good, what luck!
“Rory’s Mystical-Engine”? Hey, what the F**K!
Twelve hours later, drunk on soda pop,
I lost three PCs, and my headache won’t stop
Maybe it was the crowd that was making me cranky,
Perhaps it was that kid and his gnome “Mr. Hanky”

Whatever the case, now its time for sleep
In a room with five guys who haven’t showered for weeks!
The fire alarm goes off as I hit the hay
Apparently some larpers got carried away…
One comforting thought comes to me alone
At least in the morning, I’m going home.

In the morning I head down to the lobby
To continue to pursue this bizarre hobby
I’ll have to be careful when I open the door
Not to step on the gamers asleep on the floor

Now to the dealer room
To view all the wares
New Dice, Books, and Minis
Swords from Ren-fairs
I think I’ll peruse the latest sourcebook
“That 30 bucks” says the dealer, “You gunna buy, or just look!”
A little discouraged, I survey the scene
The clientele I suppose, is not all that clean
With a shrug, I head out the door
Realizing it’s all less, at my local game store

I feel a bit puckish, so I head for the snacks
After glimpsing the line, I almost turn back
But after twelve hours with nothing to eat
Except a Costco muffin I bought as a treat
Maybe a small wait won’t be bad
Then the limp pizza won’t look so sad.

One dry sandwich later, I’m ready to go
For at least another 12 hours or so

Now to sample the open game tables
And perhaps go home with a few fables
Two hours in the pace has definitely slowed
The bastard Dm turned me to a toad…
Reminiscing of games past, I head to my car
Time to drive away, really, really far…

A word of advice to all those who game
Conventions are fun as long as you’re tame
Treat the staff nice, they’re people too
Especially since they put up with you.
Personal hygiene needs a little work
Come on now, don’t be a jerk…
But above all I give this advice,
It truly pays if you choose to be nice:

Before you point, mock and laugh at your fellow gamer,
Exclaiming with glee, “ No one could be lamer!”
Consider how it would feel
If they did that to you
And moreover the fact
That you’re gaming there too!

 

[Geoffrey]

The Mods’ Happy Birthday


In black cyberland
Two Mods made a fun site
That really was grand.
Try, you’ll like it, you might!

“An E!” One shouted.
“That would be very nice.”
“An N!” One pouted.
“And give me back my dice!”

“What shall we call it?”
The mad Mods shook their heads.
They couldn’t commit
To a single masthead.

Then the two plotted
And came up with a plan
That no one else spotted
In the whole caravan!

They cried out in joy,
“ENWorld is its name!
“And every fanboy
Will be part of our game.”

They started the site,
The unsuspecting Mods,
Not wanting a fight,
But laughed the gaming gods!

From everywhere came
Odd gamers to the site.
It wasn’t the same
As flying a white kite.

“3E is awful!”
Rose up a great clatter.
“We are resentful.
Whatever’s the matter

With this brand new game?
It’s just not D&D!
It’s just not the same!
Down with WOTC!”

Some others rose up,
They wanted to top them.
They really flared-up
And chanted in tandem:

“You are big lizards,
Dinosaurs they call ‘em.
Thanks be to Wizards
For their great new system.”

They pulled out their knives
And got ready to fight.
Like bees in their hives
They were ready to bite!

“Oh dear!” said the Mods.
“Let’s all get along,
And don’t be such clods.
Stop coming off so strong!”

The fight just got done
When, wouldn’t you know it,
Up comes the next one
To blow into orbit.

‘Old Greyhawk is King,
Who needs this “Living” stuff?
Take the new and fling
It all over the bluff.’

“No, Greyhawk was dead.
It’s been given new life.
Get it through your head
Or we’ll whip out our knife!”

They bit and they fought
And they went round and round,
But they never thought
That the Mods were around!

“This thread is now closed!
We’ll open another.
The first thread is hosed
And thrown in the duster.”

No sooner than this
Was said by the two Mods,
Up bubbled the fizz
In this new lightning-rod!

Old Greyhawk and new
Took up all of their arms.
Their trumpets they blew
And rang all the alarms!

Now worst than the first
This thread came undone,
Both sides with a thirst
To murder someone!

“That’s it!” said the Mods.
“With Greyhawk we’re through.
No more throwing clods!
And, yes, that means you!”

“Now for a breather,”
Thought the silly Mods.
That’s but a teaser
From the sly gaming gods.

They fought about Drizz’t,
They fought about the Realms,
They fought about Who’s It,
They fought about helms!

The Mods gave warnings
They even issued bans.
“Maybe try screenings
Of all of these madmans?”

“Wait, everyone stop!”
The bedraggled Mods said.
“We will need a prop
Or we’ll fall out of bed.”

“We are so tired,
Please let’s give it a rest.
We have perspired,
This can be quite a test.

We deserve a break,
We have something to say.
Now make no mistake,
This is our third birthday!”

Then everything stopped:
The fussing and cussing,
The fighting and biting,
The slapping and wapping.

Then all the gamers
Of ENWorld thought true:
“Let’s not be lamers
And let’s get a clue.”

They rushed here and there
And made up a big cake.
They found silverware
For the thing that they baked.

Big candles they found
To stick in the cake.
It was big around.
It was big as a lake!

The candles they lit
And yelled, “Happy Birthday!”
You’d have quite a fit
At the cake put away!

So they all were glad,
Both Mods and the rest.
Nobody was sad,
This day was the best!

That’s how it ended,
With all getting along:
All good-spirited,
ENWorld going strong!

 

[BigFreekinGoblinoid]

A Chump for the Bump: A Suessian tribute to the ENWorld Messageboards

My message is posted, so now I must wait.
They will like my d20 project.
They will all think it’s great!

I’ve spent 300 hours on my new game,
So I’m eager for comments, both helpful and lame.

It’s gonna be swell, a top 10 hit!
If only Malhavoc will publish it.

It’s been 10 whole minutes without one reply!
A look, a view – won’t someone stop by?

Bump, bump, I’m witty you see!
I want you all to know how clever I can be.

Just one more bump, should do the trick.
Perhaps, while I’m waiting,
I’ll hit HONG with a stick!

Look! Here’s a new thread,
Guaranteed not to bore:
“How to Defend a Mountain Ice-Cream-Store”!

And here’s some fine news, which must be true:
4th edition’s due next week!
Scoop courtesy of BUGABOO.

Nightfall’s the sage, with two very full hands.
But Dark Portal’s been shafted,
In favor of Scarred Lands.

I’ve read Psion’s reviews,
and given Hivemind a whirl.
They are mostly well behaved,
Aside from hitting on Dragongirl!

He’s very amusing, this dude who likes clay.
Any new P-Kitty photo’s today?

And who could forget pious Joshua Dyal?
Did you ever pick up that Book which is Vile?

Congrats to Crothian, on his 4 Billionth post.
There are so many members I wish I could roast!

But it’s been much too long,
I can stand it no more.
( I’m a cert-i-fied attention whore! )

It’s been 20 whole minutes without one reply!
A look, a view – won’t someone stop by?

Bump, bump, I’m witty you see!
I want you all to know how clever I can be.

I’m a Chump for the Bump,
I must bump some more!

A bump for Eric’s Grandma,
A bump for the Troll,
And perhaps even one for that off topic poll!

Kudo’s to ENWorld, there’s no place I’d rather be.
Thanks for all the laughs, and fostering my creativity.

Do I spend too much time here?
Is healthy grass green?
I dream of an Ennie, and Airwolf’s signature queen.

50 posts a day, and many more read,
Should I venture outside, for some exercise instead?

I might be an addict, this is probably true.
But it’s better than cocaine, heroin, or sniffing glue!

Most topics aren’t fresh:
Roll VS. Role play, and Fluff vs. Crunch.
I might like them better - after some lunch!

My belly is full, thanks to Rice-A-Roni.
So it’s back to my project:
A d20 version of “My Little Pony”

 

[Ace]

Here is my contribution.




Eric Noah started this site three years ago

Which way the traffic would go

He did not know

Would it go up?

Would it go down?

Would it go into the ground?

It went up and up and up and up and up

It grew like a Great Dane from a tiny Pup

Now the site is big and bold

Even though its only 3 years old

How does it keep going, do you ask?

Well I'll tell you it’s quite a difficult task

The mods keep real busy

And if you mess up they will have a tizzy

You see Eric’s Grandma is always here

Though not once has she said, “tsk tsk” dear

And because Grandma helps keep the site clean

The good mods don't have to be mean

To keep the mods good and happy

Don’t talk about politics or use words like crappy

Oh did say that, so sorry mate

Did I mention the people here are really great.

And just like me they are on real late

You can talk D20 any time of day

And you don’t have to pay

Not a dime not a penny

Not a zloty for such a benny

Of course you should support the site

Because when Morrus gets the bills he’ll have and awful fright

If he gets your money he will have delight

Let me say gentle reader,

Whether you are Paul or Peter

You had better feed the meter

You see it cost cash to run this show

And with out money away it will go...

And we wouldn’t want that

Any more than we want a teleporting tentacled hatless cat

If you buy online order from the store

Heck on you next order, order some more

Order books, order shirts or dice

Real big orders are very nice

Then the cash will come rolling in

And friend Morrus and us will all win

If you can’t make a contribution

Than contribute to the forums as I do for your absolution

Anyway when you have extra cash

Make yourself a real mad dash

Right down to you post office box

Get there now you wily old fox

Put a letter in the mail

With check to make up for your sad tale

Then come and tell us a bit

About it

Start a thread

Make a post

Make a toast

Or just boast

Feel free to shout about it

Make it loud for did a cool thing

Make a bell go ring a ling a ling

After we’ve heard enough noise

And it known by all the girls and boys

Everyone at once will say

SHUT UP AND GO AWAY

But do come back

 

[kingpaul]

The Attack of the Lorax

In a deep and dark dungeon, in a solitary cell
In a place that some might call a corner of Hell
Resides the Once-ler, once maker of Thneeds
Which, he thought, everyone, everyone needs.

He lives in his cell, friendless and poor
Guest of the great lord Kelemvor
Here will he live, he pallor quite pale
How did he get here? Here is his tale

The Once-ler once live in his Lerkim, atop his store
Until a brave boy came up to his ramshackle door
And into the hands of the boy that was brave
The Once-ler a Truffula seed gave
In hopes to ease his conscience evermore

But for the Once-ler it was to late
For his crimes he was doomed by fate
To face the wrath of the Lorax
Due to Truffula tree attacks

On came the Lorax, proclaiming “I am priest of Mielikki!”
To which the Once-ler responded “Sir thou wert sneaky
To gain a patroness most powerful
That makes my stomach turn sour-ful”

“Once-ler” he cried, “I speak for the trees
And for this grove that you brought down to its knees,
And the for the Brown Bar-ba-loots
Who once played in their Bar-ba-loot suits
See them arrayed so armored and armed behind me
A Bar-ba-rian horde that hath come to claim thee

You smogged up the perfect air
Where the Swomee Swans did fare
And Gluppity-Glupp-ed the crystal clear pond
Where Humming-Fish resided, alongside the frond
The have returned, to bring you down hard
With their new-found powers, those of the Bard”

And so, equipped with magic weapon and mage armor
Surrounded by cacophonous sound and glamour
Did they march and do war
Tearing down wall and door
Causing destruction as seen never before

And thus cried the Once-ler “I disavow fate”
And did cast a spell, that infamous gate
Out from the opening for all to see
Was another horde, the Once-ler family

Blackguards, Assassins, evil fighters, Oh My
And accurate Archers, how those arrows did fly
And thus began the war of the Truffula Grove
And the spells heated the field, like a hot burning stove

Unfortunately, for the Once-ler clan that is,
The Thneed factory was permanently put out of the biz
The Once-ler family was driven far back
From the concerted attack
Of the Lorax’s spell, Great Nebulous Fiz

The Once-ler, the coward, was found under a chair
Hoping against hope that none would find him there
But, alas, he was wrong, and hauled up before
The Lorax, who told him what he had in store

“Once-ler, for your crimes against this Grove most heinous
Your punishment will make you wish you lived on Uranus”
Then he heisted the Once-ler and to take leave of the place
Through a gate on the side, nary leaving a trace.

But before they did leave, the Lorax did cast
Miracle, which caused quite an elemental blast
And the Grove was restored to glory pristine
Shining in the sun with quite a holy sheen

And then they were gone, the Once-ler and Lorax
To dimensions where people are forced upon tacks
And other forms of punishment dire
Surrounded by the element of fire.