“I fold, Lord” I toss my cards on the table and look up at God. “You got me again. For the life of me, I can’t tell if you’re bluffing or not.”
I tell you, its not easy playing poker with God. Face it, He’s the creator of the universe-- he knows everything. Sure, He says He won’t cheat and look at your cards, but is He really telling the truth? He’s got one hell of a poker face.
Why do I keep coming back, you ask? To be honest, you can’t beat the snacks. He’s always got some beef or lamb on the grill, and choice cuts too. Some skimp on their offerings to him, but God only serves us up the very best. I’m sure you also remember that water to wine trick his Son could pull too. Well, it’s a nice party trick. The entertainment ain’t too bad either.
You see, I’ve been coming over and playing poker with God every Saturday since the end of that first week you heard about. He had put in a lot of work creating the universe and everything and was looking to relax a bit. The Bible talks about most of what he created, though it is a bit humanocentric—it doesn’t go into all the other life he created on the other planets. Of course, he did. All on the same day he created the earth, he created other planets with other creatures as well, some of them sentient, some of them not.
Anyway, I digress. Today, I’m playing poker with God, and Zarthoot. We’ve been getting together like this since the dawn of time, every Saturday night. It’s just me, Zarthoot and God. In the beginning, Lucy joined us too. That was back before man was created. They got in a bit of an argument over one of our games though and things turned sour. She accused God of marking the cards with slobber, which of course wasn’t true—He’s a dog, He can’t help it.
‘God is a dog,’ you ask? Yep. Truth be told, God is a dog. He always likes to say that human perspective is all backwards…I think that’s why He called Himself God—an inside joke with Himself.
I need to focus. God has won the last three hands.
“I’m in.” I say, tossing my chips into the center of the table. Ace and Jack of Hearts…not a bad hand. I don’t want to push it though. God has a way of reading me.
Zarthoot tosses his chips in too, he used one of his back tentacles though, I think he’s got something good.
“Lord?”
“What the hell, it can’t hurt. I call.”
We play through the hand, and God won. Again. I swear he is cheating.
I shrug. “Don’t look at me like that Lord. You’ve won the last three hands.”
Zarthoot wriggled his tentacles—I guess he thought it funny too.
“A couple more hands like this, and we’ll have to end the night early.” I said.
“I could always lend you some more if you like.” said God.
“Oh, no. Last time I did that, I had to Go down into Egypt and kill the first born sons to pay you back. You aren’t going to get me owing you any favors again.” I said.
Zarthoot laughed again.
As god was dealing the next hand, an angel enter5ed the room and whispered something in God’s ear.
“You guys mind if we take a break for a minute or two?” He asked.
“Sure, what’s up?”
“Luci’s at it again.”
“Man, she’s always trying to interrupt our games. What is is this time?” I say, stubbing out my cigar in the ashtray.
“She’s off on Planet XJ-9, getting ready to lay into a town called Bottomsville.”
“What’s she got planned?”
“I don’t know. I want you to go down and check it out. We’ve got a person in place there in the town. I’d like you to meet up with him, and he can help you get information for me.” God said.
“Is there anything in particular you are looking for?”
“I think it’s just a general corruption attempt. She’s been in and out of that town a lot recently.”
“You sure this isn’t just an attempt to keep me from kicking your ass in poker?”
“Get going already, will you? If you hurry, you might be able to make it back before the end of the game.”
---
I head out away from God’s castle and get ready to travel to XJ-9. Most people think us angels have wings and can fly around wherever we want to go. That isn’t exactly the truth. The wings talked about in the Bible are more of a metaphorical. Angels come in a variety of types, all of which descend from dragons. All of us have varying degrees of draconic features. Some do have actual wings, but even those rarely work for transportation, especially to other planets.
I left God’s castle and headed out to the transport area, a cliff that overlooked a sea of gold. It is really a beautiful place, somewhere I like to hang out a lot. I always like returning to here from long voyages too. It makes me realize how much we have going for us here in Heaven.
I step into the transport circle and after saying where I want to go, I am pulled through space and time and a few moments later, I arrive on XJ-9. Now there is an interesting thing about all these different worlds that exist, somehow they are all tied together with a common history. Things vary between them, but there are many patterns that repeat from planet to planet. Given a few minutes to think about this since leaving the poker game, I’ve grown a bit concerned. The situation that’s come up today reminds me of something, but I can’t really put my finger on it.
I touch down on XJ-9, in a forest outside of Bottomsville. The city is a bit of a walk, but that’s normal. People probably wouldn’t react well to people popping up in the middle of a busy street.
I head through the trail in the forest until I come into a clearing. I hear a noise and look ahead of me. Luci is there, sitting on a horse, one of her demons with her.
“You aren’t going to get away with this.” I tell her
“I already have. This town is mine. I control practically everyone here. I’m surprised you accepted this mission again.” She laughed at me. She actually had the nerve to laugh at me.
It was at that point, that I put two and two together. I’m really pissed at God for sending me down here. This is an S&G run, and I don’t really want to be a part of it. Last time this happened, two of our kind got raped before the Big Dog stepped in and resolved things. It wasn’t looking pretty this time around either. I can’t believe he sent me in alone.
I didn’t have anything to attack Luci with. Her powers were always stronger than mine, and truth be told, God had given her dominion over the free-thinking planets. The best we could do is fight her propaganda and help those who stood against her.
“The least you could have done was hold off until after our poker game.”
“Don’t you have a believer to save? Clock’s ticking.”
She was right.
I head into town and follow the directions God gave me. I didn’t have time to get ready for this trip, or do much research. There isn’t much I can do about the frill on top of my head. Usually, when I head to Earth, I’ll put some gel in it and slick it back, so I don’t attract too much attention. Other plants are much more accepting of different features and don’t require a disguise. This is my first time visiting XJ-9 though, so I wasn’t quite sure what to expect.
As I walk through the streets, people are taking notice of me. Of course, I didn’t think to wear a cloak with a hood today. The crowds don’t seem to be repulsed, but rather intrigued by my presence. All I need, a fan club while trying to get my job done.
I make way to my contact’s place. By that time though, I have a large crowd following me. Some are just looking, but others are making propositions that make me rather uncomfortable. Fortunately though, the contact opens the door and is able to shoo them back enough to close the door behind me.
Even after he got the door closed, people were pounding and shouting, wanting to get a closer look at me—or worse.
“What’s your name?” I ask the informant
“Lot.”
Damn it, I knew it. I had to figure out a way to get out of town. If god is listening to me, he’s gonna owe me big once I make it back.
“God said you might have some info for me?”
“Not really info. I’ve been trying to convince him to spare this city. My uncle asked him if he’d spare the place if there were any good people here and he said yes.”
“Listen, Lot. We’ve got to get you and your family out of here. Get them together and get their stuff packed. We’ve got to head out of town. This isn’t going to end good.”
I’m pissed at God. This wasn’t a fact gathering mission, this was a rescue mission before the balloon goes up.
’s about to hit the fan and I’m on the wrong side of the room. I’ll be damned if I’m going to get raped though.
“Don’t just stand there, hurry up.” I tell him.
“What if I just give them my daughters? That’ll make them go away.”
“No it won’t. Oh, and once we successfully escape, don’t go drinking any wine your daughters give you either.”
I know I shouldn’t go interfering with things like that, but that part of this story has always disgusted me. I’m sure God can forgive that, and if it truly was his will, then it’ll happen anyway.
---
30 minutes later, Lot had his family packed and we were ready to head out.
“Listen, if anything happens and we get separated, just head for the hills. I can find my own way out. Is there a back door or window we can use? That crowd is still working at the front door.”
Lot led me through his house to a window on the side. We crawled out the window and headed down the street.
“Whatever you guys do, don’t look back at the city.” I told them.
I knew it was no use, but it was worth a try.
As we started to make our way through the streets, the crowd in front of the house saw us leaving and started chasing after us. F-ck. This isn’t what I wanted to have happen today.
The crowd caught up and grabbed hold of me, pulling me down. Last thing I saw, Lot was crossing the bridge over the river headed out of town with his family. That’s when the sky opened up.
Next thing I knew, I was standing back in front of God in heaven.
He was staring out at the sky. He handed me a pair of glasses and told me to have a look at the fireworks.
Zarthoot was laughing
