ENWorld-Appropriate Dating Question

[DonAdam]

Whatever happens, don't let her know your secret identity until at least 6 months in, or the next thing you know you'll be dangling over a tank full of bloodthirsty sharks.

 

[Torm]

SOmeone mention running a train.

dang.

I despise that stupid song. And yes, I know the phrase was around before, but it just got me how many people went around playing that song with NO CLUE. At least, until I would inform them, usually to their horror and moral outrage.

 

[Torm]

Not much to offer by way of advice, beyond reiterating what has been said already: Be polite but be yourself, and move it away from the table, for much the same reason they tell couples never to argue in bed - it becomes an arena, which affects other things.

 

[fusangite]

I am very appreciative of all the different types of advice that are coming in here and agree with much of it. But I'm getting the feeling that I should probably re-state my intial request a little more clearly.

I am mainly seeking advice about ways of interacting with this person that don't harm the game. Although I have a lot of trouble following it, I am already in receipt of masses of good advice about how to go about the dating/seduction process. The problem is that these types of advice are premised on the idea that if the dating/seduction project does not work out, that the potentially uncomfortable interpersonal dynamic that results can be abandoned temporarily or indefinitely.

I'm also reluctant, in case this person somehow finds this thread now or at a later point, to get you guys in on the minutia of what's going on. Some excellent suggestions, while good in principle, aren't really applicable because I've already carried them out or the specific situation does not permit them.

So, let me frame some more precise questions that serve my agenda here a little better:
1. A number of people have suggested including this woman in a group social activity in the near future; it is a direction I was thinking of going. But then it occurred to me: should this activity include (a) no other people from the game, (b) one or two other people from the game, (c) most/all of the gaming group?
2. A number of people have suggested just asking her out by telephone in the near future; it is also a direction I was thinking of going. But my follow-up question is: how should I deal with any potential social awkwardness if the next game falls between me asking her out and the time that we end up meeting?
3. How forthcoming should I be about this project with my other players? On the one hand, they could probably provide me more information based on their own observations about what is going on and whether this is worth pursuing. On the other, a critical mass of knowledge about this on the part of the other players might, if I fail, make the game dynamic uncomfortable irrespective of and in addition to any discomfort I or the player will likely be feeling anyway. Furthermore, there is the possibility/probability that there may be a conflict of interest on the part of some of the players.
4. I have to continue producing lots of background material for the player because her character's origin is different from that of the other PCs. Are there ways that I can avoid or limit this ongoing activity being recontextualized in light of me asking her out?

Anyway, thanks for the great responses guys. Especially Suzi's "really accommodating cardboard" -- I've been that guy in the past.

 

[Angcuru]

Anyway, thanks for the great responses guys. Especially Suzi's "really accommodating cardboard" -- I've been that guy in the past.

I hear that. Who wishes they could travel back in time and beat some sense into themselves with a big stick?

*raises hand*

 

[Thornir Alekeg]

Not if I beat you to it. The problem with us gamers is that a lot of us have ANGS: Acute Nice Guy Syndrome, where you focus on making others comfortable to the point that you become oblivious to stuff. At least that's how it is in my case.

What I found was that I was very perceptive about other people, but as soon as it related to me, I was unable to separate my own desires/hopes/fears etc. from the mix and so I constantly misinterpreted the information.

I don't miss that one bit.

 

[Crothian]

2. A number of people have suggested just asking her out by telephone in the near future; it is also a direction I was thinking of going. But my follow-up question is: how should I deal with any potential social awkwardness if the next game falls between me asking her out and the time that we end up meeting?

Don't be awkward. It is like making plans with one of the guys in the group, treat her the same as you did before.

 

[Angcuru]

Don't be awkward. It is like making plans with one of the guys in the group, treat her the same as you did before.

I.E. no candles and incense.

 

[frankthedm]

Yea, tread carefully here.
There was a girl that joined my game several years ago, and I deduced later that she pretty much only joined because she was attracted to me. Damn shame she was psychotic.

That sorta things happen when you give people a chance.

 

[xrpsuzi]

Ok, with the narrowing qualifications, here's a few observations.

(1) If you try to date her and things go badly (and there are degrees within "badly"), there is no way that is *not* going to affect what happens at the game table. That is part of the risk. Best case senario is that interaction is a little stilted for a while but finds a way to be comfortable in time. And that's best case.

(2) All your other questions (about calling and hanging out and whether or not to tell you friends) all boil down to piece of advice. Treat her like a girl you might be interested in that you *happen* to meet in a gaming environment. If you don't make the fact that she's in your gaming group a focal point for your decision making when interacting with her and just treat her like a girl you like, I think you'll get a better response.

So, to extrapolate that piece of advice into your 4 points of interest....

Are you planning a social event or planning on asking her to someone else's social event? If you are planning it, then you would probably ask your other friends (some which may be in your gaming group) too. If you are taking to a friend's party, then take people who you would typically take to such an event (regardless of the gaming group status).

If you call her and you guys are going to go out after your next gaming session, well, then you go out after your next gaming session. It's only going to be as akward as the two of you make it. If you don't bring any weirdness to the table, that's half the battle won.

Should you tell other people in your gaming group? Only if any of them are close enough to you that you would tell them in the first place (again, taking away the gaming group connection from how you interact with the girl and make decisions about how to approach the girl).

And as much as it stinks, you cannot change the way she is going to react/reinterpret past actions when she finds out that you like her. So, the best relationship advice I can ever give (and this is golden so all you singles listen up)... Never do anything you'll regret and never regret anything you do. That advice is only as valuable as you know yourself. In addition, you also shouldn't do anything to get the girl that you would not want others to know about. And if you can't be honest to her about it, that is probably a good indication not to do it either.

Best of luck and if it doesn't work out, I have a cute cousin whose just finished medical school, if you are into former Chinese beauty contestants that are too smart for their own good.

-Suzi