Fellow Player drives the group mad (Rant)

[Torm]

Based on my experience gaming with various groups, IMHO games work out best in one of two situations - either A. You're never going to see any of these people again (like a once in a lifetime GenCon sort of session) or B. It's a group of friends or at least friendly acquaintances who could just as easily ditch the game and go bowling or something and still have a good time. Since this is your regular gaming group, and you've already said this person is not a friend, cut 'em loose. I would advise against trying to "help" or "fix" this person, unless you're sure you know just how - a drowning man will only drag someone trying to save them down, unless things go just right.

I may sound unsympathetic, but in my experience, if someone is self-realized, they know better than to act like that, at least regularly - and if they aren't by the age you referred to, they're damaged goods and pretty much beyond repair. I just hope that, unlike a girl in another non-gaming group I'm in, when told to leave he won't reveal himself to be a complete nutjob and start threatening people.

Good luck.

 

[Mystery Man]

Ever absolutly rue the day you ever invited someone to play?

Just recently I found out the one player I kicked out of my game says I "ruined his life" when I kicked him out of our group, according to one of the other of two players I have who still talk to him. Nevermind that he complained and whined whenever (and I'm not at all exagerrating here) his character got attacked in combat. Or that he would try to ignore the rules, or lie about his die rolls. And that's just scratching the surface, I mean he made everyone uncomfortable. And the straw the broke the camels back after months of tolerating and trying to get him to get along and play well with others was when he emailed us all and called me a "dick" for not giving him enough roll playing XP. Bye Bye freak! The fact that he thinks I'm the one who has the problem and that I actually ruined his life makes me think I waited too long to boot him. But whatever, I'll take the responsibility as long as it means I'll never have to play DnD with him again.

However, I still have to play fantasy football with this freak-boy! :\ This other player of mine (the one who was told that I "ruined his life") who still talks to the freak-boy, and who runs our fantasy football league was told by this freak-boy that he was cheating by not approving the trades right away. All I could say was, now you know how I feel.

 

[Chimera]

I would advise against trying to "help" or "fix" this person, unless you're sure you know just how - a drowning man will only drag someone trying to save them down, unless things go just right.

Agreed. As I said above, you may or may not be the right person to do this. Don't try it unless you really want to wade hip deep into his misery.

I'd say that he's casting about, desperately looking for someone to do this, but that very few people are actually equipped to do so.

I may sound unsympathetic, but in my experience, if someone is self-realized, they know better than to act like that, at least regularly - and if they aren't by the age you referred to, they're damaged goods and pretty much beyond repair.

I intensely, strongly disagree with this sentiment. Very very few people are completely beyond repair. Treating everyone with a problem as "damaged goods and pretty much beyond repair" isn't exactly enlightened behavior, especially if your answer is to completely write them off as human beings.

 

[MarkAHart]

A "problem player" drains the energy of the entire group and brings down the game. If you ever have a couple games without the problem player, you will likely find everyone is more relaxed, having a better time, and is less tense. The longer the situation goes unresolved, the worse it is for everyone (including the person in question). Such things never just get better on their own, unfortunately.

Unfortunately, the only way to deal with this is to be direct and blunt. I myself dislike confrontation, but I learned the hard way that you have to deal with situations like this directly and honestly. The aforementioned player may be having social problems, suffer from depression, etc., but such is not the group's responsibility. Problems should be dealt with out of game among friends, so that the game can remain fun for all concerned. If a player is being disruptive, he/she should be asked to leave or change his/her behavior.

 

[Dougal DeKree]

Wow

Wow, never thought I'd get so much response - thank you all.

Takyris struck a personal level there with me - i feel just like he portraits.
I guess we are all that frustrated since we see that we are the ones hit and are too friendly to object. Usually i am a rather reasonalbe guy - knowing that people can very well be upset due to the mood i sometimes can't fully switch off after working for 12 hours before gaming - i tend to talk lots of nonsense the first 20 minutes (before gaming), then drink some beer and then start gaming (usually in a good enough mood). Maybe i shouldn't next time - maybe i should stay in my "business role" and talk straight without pulling back.

As i just came to know this time the email went to my gf, because her bard didn't want to get intimate with that paladin. She keeps laughing since she read that email (which made it a really funny evening - i say "Paladinbitch" and there goes the laughter), but i am now determined to stop that behaviour. I'll try to talk with the rest about a general course of action and we'll see what comes out. Maybe the player will even get it that it's not always "the others".

Dougal

 

[reveal]

I think this is a situation in which you need to tread very carefully.

On one hand, this person could be a "drama queen" who gets off crying at the drop of a hat because it gets them the attention they crave. That's the easy one.

"You need to stop."

"No."

"Goodbye."

And that's that...

But on the other hand, this person may have some serious emotional problems you may not be aware of. If that's the case, you definitely want to suggest counseling and be very careful if you ask the person to leave the group. I know it's just a game, but if this person sees being asked to leave as a personal attack, the end result will not be a good one.

 

[Torm]

I intensely, strongly disagree with this sentiment. Very very few people are completely beyond repair. Treating everyone with a problem as "damaged goods and pretty much beyond repair" isn't exactly enlightened behavior, especially if your answer is to completely write them off as human beings.

There is a difference between writing someone off as a human being, and writing them off as not being worth your time and/or effort. I didn't mean that if you have a friend that occasionally still gets weepy sad now and then about their pet that died when they were ten, that you should write them off. I meant that when people have reached a point where they not only have a problem but they are actually acting in accord with that problem to turn their lives and the lives of those around them into swirling masses of nothing but their problems - well, then its time to find something better to do than worry with them. Especially if you have other duties to consider - the well-being of your family, other friends, gaming group, what-have-you. And besides it being unfair to you, it would be unfair to them for you to try to fix it, if you're playing armchair psychologist.

And so you know, this isn't something I say lightly, or with any gladness in my heart - I had to take this approach with my own mother at one point. I love her even now, but after trying and trying to help her, I came to the realization that you can't help someone that won't be helped - and I was putting other people (my wife, kids, friends) at risk trying. I haven't spoken to her in over 6 years - the last time I went to one of the visitation days at the prison she is in for hiring someone to kill one of my friends for his insurance money (loooong story) - and I while I regret the reasons, I don't regret that decision at all.

 

[takyris]

Takyris struck a personal level there with me - i feel just like he portraits.

Bummer. S'not a pretty picture. But glad I could emote.

I guess we are all that frustrated since we see that we are the ones hit and are too friendly to object.

Yep. People who compromise and try to see both sides and understand that someone is just lashing out because they have issues and are scared and lonely end up taking a lot of grief from people willing to abuse that. This is an unfortunate fact of life. If you're willing to compromise and someone else isn't, then at best, you end up 75/25 in their direction. I wouldn't turn off my empathy if I could, but I do sometimes have to stand up for myself.

The way to stand up to these people and tell them to knock it off is, I think, kind of like the way I plan to spank my kid -- not until you're sure it's the only way to successfully resolve the situation, not as an instant reaction, and never in anger. Make sure you've thought about it. Make sure you've considered the options. And then do what you have to do to protect your own emotions without regret.

And yeah, it's very possible that this well send them into a spiraling fugue of self-destructive depression. But if getting called on being a jerk in your weekly roleplaying game sends you into a spiraling fugue of self-destructive depression, you were pretty much headed that way somehow regardless. Something was going to set you off -- waiting in line at the DMV, hold music, your cereal getting stale because you forgot to fold the plastic inside packaging down, something.

If you do it without malice toward him, hopefully it will serve not as a reinforcement for his "My life sucks, I only receive positive feedback when I tell everyone how much they have hurt me" behavior, but as a kick in the butt to move him in the right direction.

 

[Biohazard]

Buy a bag of socks. Then purchase several bars of soap............

That'll teach 'im...make him wash socks!!!

 

[Keeper of Secrets]

I sure don't want to trivilaize the situation but it is evident to me that the person needs help. Lots of help.

I can't think of any reason (well, actually very few) that would cause someone to get teased the slightest bit which would result in that person picking up their stuff and going home, only to send off a 10 page email.

Of course, that was before I saw that there are times when he simply gets up from his own game and walks away without a word.

Have an intervention. Call him a doctor. But above all, don't put up with it.