Friday Nonsense: Funniest Gaming Fails

[Reynard]

We have all been there: the dice go bad, or someone makes a terrible choice and everyone ends up rolling on the floor with laughter. Let's share those stories today!

This happened a very long time ago, playing BECMI. My oldest brother was the DM, and my middle brother was playing along with a couple other kids. I was probably 11 or 12.

We were traveling through the wilds, returning from the dungeon laden with loot, when we left the edge of the forest onto a wide open plain. Out in the tall grass was a herd of wild cattle -- all cows inm fact. Soon enough, we saw the massive bull apparently made of iron watching over his harem. We decided we were going to skirt the herd and avoid trouble, just because we did not know what a giant iron bull might be capable of.

Well, almost all of us did. My middle brother decided, for a lark, to shoot an arrow at the bull when we were halfway clear. That bull, of course, was a BECMI Gorgon and it immediately charged our party.

Now, I was the youngest brother. So, naturally, I was given the worst horse, and was forced to carry the heaviest but least valuable loot (all those copper pieces). So it was no surprise that as everyone else escaped (including my brother who created this problem) I fell behind and was breathed on. Soon there was a permanent statue of my mounted cleric Clarion in that field...

But that was not the end of Clarion's indignation. Real time months later, the campaign was leading to The Isle of Dread. Along the way to catch a boat, my brother and friends decided to stop by that field and pick up my statue. I was playing anew character by then, but was excited that we had finally reached high enough level that Clarion could be restored! Alas, no. They put the statue on a cart, brought it to the docks, loaded it onto the ship and finally, in the middle of the sea, dropped it into sea to be forever lost.

Why? For the look on my face, apparently.

Ah, to be a youngest sibling.

 

[payn]

I got a doozy for y'all. Its Battletech but I dont care because the story is stone cold hilarious.

The set up;
Battletech is crunchy and then some. Memes galore demonstrate how many charts exist to adjudicate just about any situation. Most of the time a game runs pretty smoothly. Though, once in a while you enter a rabbit hole of domino effects that require even the most veteran players to break out the numerous texts and work through it like M.I.T math students working on a proof. Sometiems it leads to hilarious places.

So, we had a weekly meet up that was a random force build game. For reference, in BT you have "Battle Value" score that balances out a game. (Its like CR of 5E so not perfect by any means). Every player builds a force of equal BV which could be a few big units, or several smaller units. Occasionally, a whipper snapper comes along thinking they found the secret to min-max supremacy. This usually entails taking a light weight unit, but loaded with lots of guns, and dropping all the skills as low as possible. Think point buy min maxing and using certain multi-classing to optimize into a pun pun.

We are a very welcoming bunch and love getting new players into the game. Occasionally, we get a new player coming in hot thinking they are going to show the old timers how its done. This is the story of Randy and his attempt to do so.

Game night;
We all start to shuffle in and get out our gear, lay a game board down, and start to form teams. The new guy Randy is all smiles. He places his single light weight unit ont he table and declares he was able to make it work by reducing his shooting skill to 0 (meaning he is most likley always gfoing to hit) by increasing his piloting (meaning he is going to struggle to keep upright...forshadowing...). A few eye brows raise followed by "are you sure?" questions. Randy is positive and so we take our places and begin the game.

The map is a city. That means lots of cover, which Randy is very excited about. What Randy didnt anticipate was controlling his mech at top speeds on a paved surface. You see in Battletech you have two speeds for units. Cruising is akin to walking and very easy to accomplish. Then, there is flanking which is running and can require piloting checks particualrly on paced surfaces. Randy is about to get a crash course on the subject (pun intended).

Several players move their units and then its Randy's turn. He looks around the table and shouts, "watch this!". He proceeds to flank run speed 80% of his considerable movement and then tries to turn. "Ok, you need to make a skid check for this manuever Randy" Randy scoops his dice and looks at his sheet and says a 6 should be no problem on 2D6. Rolls a 3. This is where the books start to come out.

First, we determine how far Randy moved his mech, so that we know how far it is going to skid on the ground before stopping. In this case a considerable distance. So far, in fact, that his mech crashes into a city building. You might think it stops there but nope there are random charts for determining impact, whether the building has a basement (it did), how much falling damage the mech takes, how much damage the building takes before collapsing (enough to do so) etc..

Half way through claculating and reading the rules its pretty clear Randy's mech has been destroyed and the pilot killed 4x over but we kept going. Eventually, Randy has had enough and starts collecting his gear, frown on face, his ultimate plan foiled by a bad dice roll. I look at him and say, "where are you going? I'm STILL WATCHING THIS!" Randy stares at me for what felt like 10 seconds before yelling "eff you" and running out of the store.

We never saw Randy again after that. Though, to this day, we never under any circumstances begin our turn by saying, "watch this!"

 

[Kannik]

It was the final game. Of the final arc. Of the epic campaign. That we had played over many months. The things were in motion. Everything was in place. The final battle was on.

And it all hinged on firing a sort of arcane super cannon, carefully tuned specifically for pointed towards the big foe.

The DM began to explain all the intricacies to the player at the helm. But he stops mid sentence, and pauses before declaring, ".... Basically, just don't roll a 1."

Now, dear reader, by me telling this story you know exactly what happened next.

Which did include me bodily bolting from the room in total laughter of both disbelief as well as total belief that of course, with not only we but the very DM tempting fate with that declaration, that this was the way it would roll.

Cue a DM now clearly working out on the fly for how to proceed and how we might now overcome the challenge.

To which, in the end, we did! And we were victorious in the campaign. With the bonus of a die roll that shall forever live in our memories.

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

2Ed, original Dark Sun setting. I was part of a duo, playing a dwarf. His Con was maxed.

At one point, our team is taking on a moderate threat who drops an AoE poisonous gas spell. My Dwarf fearlessly charged the enemy, since he only got affected by hostile magic on a 1.

I roll a 1. So he’s affected by the spell. But he gets a save vs its poison effect on a 1.

I roll a 1. He’s alive, but he drops.

Later, the bad dude decides to hit my downed dwarf with a polymorph spell.

I roll 1s on both the magic save AND the spell itself. So he’s affected by the spell and turned into a frog in the cloud of poison gas.

The polymorph demands a System Shock roll to avoid instant death. I roll a 1.

Later in the battle, the bad guy drops a fireball that essentially maxed damage, and the dwarf’s body is in the AoE. The DM decides to have me roll to see if his body is incinerated. I roll a 1 when checking to see if the magic affected his corpse, another for the actual save*. So his body was reduced to ashes.

The DM- a math guy- looked at the sequence of my rolls, and calculated it to be about as improbable as winning the lottery.


* he was trying to be generous

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

Then there was The Battle of the Brutal Slaughter of the Harpies which happened early in a campaign:

We were attacked by Harpies, and the quick-thinking Druid hit them with an Entangle as they did a strafing run through some foliage- snagged them all!

That was when the dice went sour.

We only had a few PCs with ranged weaponry- a guy with a bow, a guy with a throwing hammer, one with a sling, and the Wiz had a dagger.

The guy with the Hammer is venturing into the area of the Entangle to retrieve his hammer and the Wiz' dagger.

Most of the to-hit rolls were low. When we did hit, no attack did more than 3HP damage. We finish off the first Harpy just as the Entangle is starting to expire...

So the Druid does Entangle #2...and our futility continues. The dice continue to stay as low as a soldier under fire.

The guy with the Hammer is, by now, having to venture into the area of the Entangle to retrieve arrows that have missed. The PC with the sling is now using rocks.

Harpy #2 is near death but still fighting and Harpy #3 is untouched when Entangle #2 is expiring, so the Druid pops Entangle #3.

My PC and the hammer-thrower are apologizing to the Harpies- in character- for the cruel deaths that we are inflicting upon them...especially after the hammer-thrower retrieved the Wizard's dagger out of the still-living Harpy#2 so the Wizard could throw it again. But he doesn't leave the Entangle area until after he stabs the dying Harpy with that dagger to finish it off.

By now, all of the arrows have been used, either striking the Harpies or being broken downrange. EVERYONE ELSE IS THROWING ROCKS.

The last Harpy dies just before Entangle #3 does.

All of this time, our DM has been flabbergasted- absolutely red faced and flustered- at the action. "F$%^&ing Entangle! That spell is broken!" rant*rant*rant

To which the Druid's player huffily responded "Well, it was either that or Create Food & Water! The Harpies could have had a meal and a bath!"

 

[Stormonu]

5E game, Tomb of Annihilation.
Our group, now about level 3, had taken to the jungle, and after being warned about undead made camp in the trees to avoid possible nighttime ambush. Standard solitary night watch, with an elf who only has to sleep for four hours before they can take the second watch. It's the dragonborn fighter's turn on watch at late night, and he perceives something moving about below about 80 feet below.

WITHOUT ALERTING THE REST OF THE PARTY, the Dragonborn unsheathes his two-handed sword and drops from the tree, attempting a Link-like downward thrust on whats below. He manages to hit his target at least, but takes himself to 0 hit points, and discovers he's dropped into the middle of a pack of ghouls. The ghouls took the free lunch, and didn't bother the rest of us.

In the next campaign, the same player, now running a barbarian, is with the group as they are descending a rope into an ancient dungeon. Two rooms prior, the group had discovered a batch of strange, green potions we determined were alchemical poison gas bombs. The barbarian had scooped them all up, intending to keep them to throw at enemies. Now, nearing the bottom of the rope, he decides he's close enough that he can rage and fall the 40 feet or so and survive the landing. So he does so.

DM reminds him as soon as he's let go that he's carrying somewhere in the neighborhood of 20 bombs designed to break open when thrown to the ground. Not only does he kill himself on impact, but the rising gas from the bombs makes it way back up the shaft, knocking out the wizard, but who is saved by the monk thanks to his slow fall ability and a nearby hall on one side of the shaft (though the monk survived with about 5 hit points). The cleric, luckily further up, was unaffected and able to shimmy down far enough to revive the wizard and help the monk. However, there was nothing but a crater left at the bottom of the shaft.

The barbarian player's response? "Oops".

 

[TaranTheWanderer]

We go to investigate Owlbears that are ONLY attacking caravans going North.

Bryan: “why are we investigating? Owlbears attack people”

Other players: “Yeah, but they are only attacking caravans going North”

Bryan: puzzled look

****

We find out an ice wizard is charming Owlbears. We fight him and he sends his snow trolls and charmed Owlbears at us.

DM: “they are running at you and will reach in 5 rounds”

Bryan: “I have an enchantment on my sword that, after I draw it, makes it magical for 5 rounds. I draw it and wait for the trolls to reach me.”

DM: “Don’t you want to use ranged weapons or charge or something?”

Bryan: “No, I wait.”

DM: “okay, 5 rounds pass and the trolls reach you. Your weapon is no longer magical.

****

We defeat the ice wizard and his hold over the Owlbears is broken

DM: “with the enchantment broken, the Owlbears, lumber off into the forest”

Bryan: “they’re escaping??”

DM: “well, no. They’re no longer charmed so they’re wandering back to their natural habitat “
Bryan: “I wrestle the Owlbear”

blank stares from the group

Bryan: “I wrestle the Owlbear!”

***

Bryan had to make a new character

 

[TaranTheWanderer]

Story 2

1e

“My cleric is only 12xp from levelling! I go to the public park and kill some swans.”

5 minutes later

“Oh, the horror! Run away!”

Lesson learned:
low level PCs should NOT mess with swans.