Funniest Thing That PCS Have Done/Said

[Lalalei2001]

My character was always trying to be cool. One time, he said a line that had us all in stitches.

"Stand back, everyone! I'm going to shoot him with my gun!"

We almost died laughing. That line has now become his trademark.

 

[Sound of Azure]

The PCs were on the way to the Moathouse in Return to the temple of Elemental Evil, and we had a random encounter with Dire Badgers.

Halfling Wizard: "Oh, we're in a dire situation now!".

 

[theemrys]

Way back when... we were playing Temple of Elemental Evil (Back when it first came out), and one of the players was a homosidal dwarf... after clearing out the moathouse, he mispoke and said he was going to "Masterbate the bodies" instead of mutilate... he never lived that one down...

 

[Gold Roger]

In our most recent session a group of spoiled nobles was adventuring in some ruins. Uppon encountering some dried out undead the question of what those things where arose.

So the gnome put two and two together and said: "Why, those are peasants of course." And he gave the most uneducated description of peasants the player coulöd think of (while the dried corpses approached-no timestop for talking)

 

[demiurge1138]

Dungeon crawl in a mine. The party's captured a minor demon in order to interrogate him, but learn too late that they share no languages with the thing. The primary interrogator is the party's lizardfolk fighter - he doesn't care what the demon knows, just if he's edible.

So, after an abortive attempt to communicate with it via "the universal language of mathematics", he resorts to talking loudly and slowly in the languages he does know, and is eventually just screaming at him "ARE. YOU. MADE. OF. POISON?"

Demiurge out.

 

[sydbar]

The party was given magic items from an ancient green dragon, one of the characters was given a magic bow, and asked "what does it do?", to which the dragon anwsered "it shoots arrows".

 

[Rolzup]

The game? Home-brewed system, in a setting not unlike Gamma World. The party was a bunch of former farm-boys, and their various mutant hanger's on...mutants, robots, and such.

We'd become separated into two groups, each in a cavern underground. A tunnel, entirely filled with very cold water, connected the two caves. Fortunately, we had Tadpole on our side. A 3' tall, bright orange, amphibious mutant who happened to be -- and this is important -- as dumb as a post.

And he was played, naturally, by one of the smartest guys in the group.

Dave, who fancied himself the party leader, had just heard from Tadpole that the others were "Just over there."

"Great, Tadpole. Listen, I want you to swim over to the others and...."

"Okay!" *splash*

Dave chuckles, wearily. Tadpole returns a moment later.

"Tadpole, listen to me. I want you to swim over to the others and...."

"Okay!" *splash*

The rest of us laugh this time. Dave grits his teeth. Tadpole's player has a very bland expression on his face as he describes swimming through the tunnel, waving to the others, and then returning to the waiting Dave.

"Tadpole, listen! Wait until I tell you, and then swim over to the others and...."

"Okay!" *splash*

Dave curses. The rest of us are watching this drama unfold with bated breath.

"I'm back!"

"Dammit, Tadpole! LISTEN! Do not go anywhere until I say...um...blue!"

Speaking in the most innocent tone imaginable, Tadpole's player replies, "Blue?"

And Dave loses it. "Yes, dammit! BLUE!"

"Okay!" * splash*

I have never laughed so hard in my entire life. I couldn't even breathe. The look on Dave's face was beyond price. And even he started laughing after a moment...it was just so perfectly played by Tadpole's player.

 

[Dragonbait]

The problem is, is that almost all quotes are a 'you had to be there' situation (note that none are my own quotes):

A player was playing a homebrew race that replaced gnomes. They were small, obsidian black in color, with no hair and no pupils. He was talking about some female that the group was going to meet when he spouted this out: "oh, I hope she's short, bald, and black!"

A player, in the heat of the moment, tried to think of a good battle cry. His brain combined some and came out with: "You'll fall like pie!" Of course, he didn't get why people paused and laughed at what he said.

When trying to show off how strong his character was, a player declared "I can crush apples."

A player tried to describe some of the skills of the elves. When it came to their skills with the horse, he said: "Elves are good for riding."

A GM: "You turn the corner and see a dead dude eating another dead dude. The guy goes 'rrr' and attacks." Best-description-evar! The same GM described two NPCs as "...a mage guy and a dude with a cloak."

A GM: what he wanted to say: "The planet's forest is thick and lush." What he ended up saying: "The planet has a plump, plush forest.."

Yup.. These are 'had to be there' situations.

 

[Banshee16]

We had a character in our Planescape campaign who was a male elf, who was killed while visiting Oerth, and the only way to get him back was the druid's reincarnate spell....and he came back as a dryad.

In any case, he was getting into character, and there was some discussion going on, the origins of which I no longer remember, but some of the players were teasing him (just having a few chuckles), and the player came out with something like "it doesn't matter, my character likes wood".......someone made the connection, and the whole situation devolved into laughter all around. I think a few of us were tearing up, we were laughing so hard. Given the player, it was just one of those situations where he said something, and didn't realize until after it left his mouth that it had a double meaning.

I'm sure it was juvenile....but we had a good laugh, nonetheless.

Banshee

 

[Kurashu]

3.5 Campaign "Gnome's Call": Most of the party managed to get out to a zombie infested island, however, the Psion got left behind (showed up late because he had to work).

Cap'n Lazy Eye (he was a half-orc with a lazy eye): You need to get out there?
Trent: Yes.
Cap'n Lay Eye: 100 gold.
Trent: You will take me for free.
Cap'n Lazy Eye: No. I need to make a living.
Trent [pulls dagger]: You also need to not die to make a living.
Cap'n Lazy Eye: You are a tough barginer, but I see your point.

Later, on the island, the party is investigating the "Den of Immorality" (read: whore house) in a treetop village. The human bard wandered around back and up a staircase. He stumbles into a room.

DM: You smell the stench of death and there are headless bodies hanging from meathooks all around the room. Make a spot check.
Bard: 15.
DM: You see a man sitting indian style near the back.
Bard: This isn't where I parked my car!
Cultist: What? Who's there?!
Bard: This isn't monday!
Cultist [opens hatch in ceiling]: Intruder!
Bard: I run away!

MEANWHILE IN THE SECOND FLOOR, the rest of us are checking around when the halfling sorcerer comes back from his "good time" and the bard comes screaming up the stairs.

Bard: EVIL CULT GUY!!!!
Me: What?
Sorc: Something about a cult.
Half-Dragon Dwarf: Move.
Us: Why?
HD Dwarf: Move.
Us: Ok.

Bard tears pass us as the cult guy comes into view. Breath Attack, full damage, Cult guy failed his reflex save (not that it would have helped since we were ECL 2, but the DM let the Half-Dragon and Half-Celestial templates in for two characters for story reasons).

HD Dwarf: That's why. Now, we have to burn down this place.
Me: We're in a village, made of wood, set in the treetops. Below us is zombie Mardis Gras. Am I the only who sees the problem?
Everyone Else: Yes.

Later still on the island, we had kidnapped a spy from the cult (or so we thought, we never found out) and after managing to destroy a good portion of the walkway around the house we were staying in and my rouge nearly being beaten to death to zombies (no thanks to the Halfing Sorcerer and the Half-Dragon), we caught him.

Trent: Hoist him up.
HD Dwarf: Why?
Trent: I want to take his clothing!
HD Dwarf: ...Okay? Is there something you have not shared with me.
Trent: Possibly. But I am going to take his clothes and impersonate him.
HD Dwarf: ...Alright. Sorry mister.

Dwarf preceeds to knock him out and we take his clothes and he gets tied back up.

Spy: I'm feeling kind of naked up here.
Trent: Down there.
Spy: Whatever. Can I just have something to cover up with?
Trent: No.
Spy: Why not?
Trent: Lower him down to the zombies.
HD Dwarf: Alright.
Spy: No, don't! Just don't. All I want is something to cover up with.
Trent: Fine. Bring him up here.
HD Dwarf: Make up your mind.
Trent's Player: I pull out my crossbow and say-
DM: What do you say?
HD Dwarf's Player: ...Do you value your life?

We laughed for a good while after that.

There was also the whole:
Bard: We aren't you happy?
Dokin: Don't answer that.
Viper: I'm sorry if being bound and gagged to be excuted for a crime none of us committed doesn't put a smile on my face.

As well as the sorcerer trying to comfort a woman who lost her lover in a town fire (Viper from above, which was the crime he was charged with) by continually mentioning him. It also didn't help when he tried to bed her. After that we let the dwarf and psion handle that sort of thing.

And the psion's first astral construct.

Bill [elf ranger]: I doubt you are half as mighty as you claim, Trent.
Trent: Oh really?
Bill: Yes. Yes I do.
Trent manifests Astral Construct.
DM: You see a small humanoid babylike figure appear and punch the fire and disappear.
Bill: Is that you got.
Trent:...Really, yeah. I'm going to go drink myself to sleep. [Behold the birth of the Drunk Manifester feat.]

Too bad we never got to break into the stronghold were the bard, Dokin (our employer) and Viper were sent to.

In the 2e campaign we did, the guy who played Trent played a gnome wizard who liked things that exploded as well as ale [behold the birth of the Drunken Caster NWP]. Well, after getting cocky on a lucky roll (he chucked a gernade into the mouth of a troll and killed it, twas a pretty sweet visual though), he threw another and missed, horribly. Like five feet in front of him on a natural 1 bad. It exploded and kills him. Then he goes: Wait, I have like ten more gernades, plus some ale!

DM [evil grin]: That's right.
Us: Well, it's been nice playing!

In his defense, he did kill most of the trolls and scared the rest off and most of us didn't die (just the cleric, ouch). That was the last night of that campaign too since the DM had college or some lame excuse to keep us from self-destructing characters.